View Full Version : "...dattebayo."


Crazy~Feet
12-15-07, 05:05 AM
WHAT DOES 'DATTEBAYO' MEAN?

In the Japanese versions, Naruto often ends his sentences with "dattebayo" or "(verb)-ttebayo" ; and as such Naruto has a unique style of speech. In the Japanese language, an ending can be added with no meaning to make the tone sound more tough, childish, girlish, or many other changes depending on the many existing endings. "-ttebayo", which is not a well-known ending, has no literal meaning and cannot be translated, but carries the connotations of the speaker being uncultured, brusque, and seeming tougher than they really are.


Derived from the various endings japanese people add to their sentences. "da", "-tte ba", and "yo". Dattebayo is just all that stuff combined together.

The following examples roughly translated are:

1. I am Uzumaki Naruto! (using "Da")
2. Ne,ne! Sasuke! (when "-tte ba" is added, it usually expresses exasperation in one's tone.)
3. I like ramen the best! (using "yo")
4. -same as above- (substituting with Dattebayo)
5. I got it already! (demostrating (verb)-ttebayo)
6. What are you doing?! (using "Da")
7. -same as above- (substituting with Dattebayo)

1."Ore wa Uzumaki Naruto da!"

2."Ne, ne! Sasuke-tte ba!"

3."Ore ramen ga daisuki da yo!"

4."Ore ramen ga daisuki dattebayo!"

5."Wakattebayo!" ;

6."Nani surun da!?"

7."Nani surun dattebayo?!"

Directly derived from an actual interview with the creator himself, Kishimoto Masashi:

(Quote)

- Is Naruto's favorite phrase, "dattebayo" modeled on anything?

KM: That isn't really modeled on anything either. When I thought of childlike
speech, "dattebayo" instantly came to mind. It's like it's become a part of
Naruto, and even now it brings out his "mischievousness".

(End Quote)

Crazy~Feet
12-15-07, 05:39 AM
Emergent Structures example Uzumaki Naruto


A parody by Crazy~Feet



I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of the topics brought up at ADDF, namely "speciation events" and "emergent structures". I realized that Our Hero Kishimoto Masashi has all the answers to this! It's already been done, in anime, so everybody can sit back and relax about this stuff. It's not hard at all.

All anybody needs to do to become part of the next speciation event is become a Jinchuuriki. Kishimoto Masashi clearly outlines all the steps necessary...easy stuff!


Take Naruto himself for example:






First, have the Kage of your village capture a dangerous and powerful Bijuu and seal it into your infant body.






Naturally, you will show signs of how special you are from the start (whisker marks) but otherwise you will appear to be like any other child.






Eventually, powerful emotions will begin to trigger a series of emergent structures. The Bijuu chakra will kick in. You're on your way now!




In the example, his whiskers grow in size and become more feral looking. His eyes also turn from blue to red. He is able to move more quickly, use more chakra draining jutsu, heal his body faster and strike with more force. His teeth and fingernails also grow longer and sharper. This shouldn't present too much of a problem.






Soon enough, the Bijuu grants Naruto even more power than before, causing the red chakra surrounding Naruto to boil and bubble and take on the shape of a fox with long ears and a tail. This chakra is not bound to Naruto's body, being able to move and extend in as striking limbs. Though Naruto remains conscious in this state, the chakra can seemingly react of its own will. In this state the chakra will also act as a defense against incoming attacks. Isn't that cool? It looks a little funny, but why should he care? This is a sign of a great speciation event! Besides, Sasuke survived anyway, so no reason to be guilty.







Of course, sometimes some people make him angrier than others do, but that shouldn't get in the way of a great speciation event! When entering the two-tail state, Naruto becomes even more beast-like in appearance. His eyes grow larger and become outlined in a rough black. His incisor teeth also grow even larger than before. He's not as aware of himself anymore and Kakashi has to use a seal to subdue him, but Deidara escapes anyway. No harm done yet right? Only the Bunshin who have protected him over and over suffer any pain, and who cares how they feel?






Naruto's three-tail form resembles that of two-tails. In this state Naruto is able to roar and extend chakra outwards to devastating result. This outwards destructive sphere of chakra is so intense so as to destroy surrounding matter and violently push back any incoming attack with but a simple roar. Now who wouldn't like that? Nobody can get close enough to apply a seal to him anymore and he's losing his awareness of himself more than before, but this isn't about remaining human anyway. It's about EVOLVING. What else matters?







In the four-tail form Naruto loses all sense of himself, becoming a pure destructive beast with no regard for even his closest friends. In the internal prison containing the Bijuu, Naruto crosses the protective barrier and falls into Bijuu's grasp. Externally the chakra begins to melt off Naruto's very skin. His body changes to resemble the bushy whiskers on his face when enraged, and his hands form sharp claws. Ears and four tails extend from his body and he roars with a sharp maw of teeth. This form proves insanely destructive, able to roar, swipe and attack with hugely destructive results. And should any foes dare touch his form, they'll be burned by the intense heat. Prolonged usage of the 4-tailed state is further weakening the seal the Hokage used to contain the bijuu. Awesome!! Naruto is on his way to becoming something entirely different from a human being, and isn't that the whole point of a speciation event? His friends ought to be honored to witness this amazing emergent structure, but maybe they ought to stand back and express their awe, since if they get closer, he'll attack them.





Of course this speciation event hasn't concluded yet. Hopefully he'll grow more and more tails, and continue to evolve. OK, maybe his skin will melt off a little more quickly, but he has that great ability to heal and regenerate. So what if cells have a finite lifespan and the body's heavy regeneration when critically injured is shortening his life and extended use from high levels of healing is killing Naruto? With any luck, Naruto will become lost in the that internal prison completely as his life slips away faster and faster. His friends will watch in horror, but it won't matter. He won't know anyway, and he'll have the honor of having died as the next great speciation event! They can carve that on his gravestone:



"Here lies Uzumaki Naruto, a fine example of what everybody ought to aspire to. He evolved beyond the rest of humanity. May his soul rest in peace."





Who wouldn't want that?

Crazy~Feet
12-15-07, 05:45 AM
All dogs are dogs. They aren't parakeets, and no matter how hard anybody tries to make them into parakeets,they remain dogs, no matter what breed they are or who owns them. Dogs do things in doggy ways, maybe not exactly the same as another dog might do it, but definitely doggish. If a dog sang, it would sing in a doggy kind of way, wouldn't it?



Not always, no. Every once in a while, some dogs don't sing in the doggish way. These dogs sing in Mandarin Chinese, and it's hard to deny that in doing so, they have clearly deviated from the doggy norm. These dogs gradually realise that not only is singing in Mandarin Chinese very different from singing in doggish, they also never knew how to sing in doggish to begin with, not that they can remember. Eventually it becomes clear that singing in Mandarin Chinese is not just unusual, it's actually becoming a sort of crutch. Instead of becoming more able to sing in the doggy kind of way, they keep learning more and more songs in Mandarin Chinese. That's the only way they know how to sing.



When a dog who sings in Mandarin Chinese concludes that singing in that fashion is something that is creating more problems than anything else, they begin to search for somebody that can maybe help them to break out of this pattern of singing in Mandarin Chinese, and teach them how they might sing in doggish ways. Some of these dogs never find anybody to help them, but others are lucky, and they do.



Now, there are certain dogs who have spent a lot of years in doggy-colleges becoming experts in the field. They had heard about these dogs who sang in Mandarin Chinese and thus became motivated to learn more about them. Sure, they knew how to help plenty of other dogs, and they also knew that it was very difficult to help these dogs who sang in Mandarin Chinese. It had been established by other doggy-experts that to help this rare type of dog always took a lot of time and effort, and even then, no matter how hard they might try, some of these dogs would not respond and continue to sing in Mandarin Chinese.



When the doggy-experts try to help the ones who sing in Mandarin Chinese, it isn't easy on either one of them. It can be very frightening to rewind all the years of singing in Mandarin Chinese and try to do sing in a way that they knew nothing about. Sure, they knew that most other dogs sang in doggish but that didn't always make it any easier to change. It can be very hard to be patient and to invest years in trying to help another dog. Both the expert and dog who sang in Mandarin Chinese had to be very dedicated and very brave. It's a very complicated process because while all of these dogs sang in Mandarin Chinese and were the same in that regard, none of them sang the same way. Similarly, maybe, but never, ever exactly the same. The one thing that the dogs who sang in Mandarin Chinese seemed to have in common was that they had all had a similar experience when they were puppies. They had all played chess with the Pope, and as everybody knows, playing chess with the Pope is a terrible thing for any puppy to have to endure. The media covers this quite a lot, because some puppies who have played chess with the Pope die from that experience.



There are certain other dogs who have also spent a lot of years in doggy-college to become experts. These dogs specialize in research, and know many, many ways in which they might be able to discover how and why things happen the way that they do. Lots of these dogs had discovered ways to change doggy-life for the better. The researchers became very interested in this different way of singing when they heard about it, because not all dogs who have played chess with the Pope as puppies sing in Mandarin Chinese! What might be the reason behind why they reacted to playing chess with the Pope in this unusal manner? What made these dogs different from the other dogs? Why just them, and not all puppies who played chess with the Pope? They devoted themselved to answering these questions. Some of the dogs who sang in Mandarin Chinese were braver than others, and when the doggy-experts who were teaching them about singing another way mentioned the doggy-experts who were doing the research, they became research subjects. To them, it seemed like a worthy cause in light of the fact that they didn't know why they were able to sing the way they sang, either. They also wanted to know what made them different from other dogs, especially the ones who had also played chess with the Pope when they were puppies, but were not able to sing in Mandarin Chinese, because these other dogs sometimes responded in ways that could never be helped at all. That was sad, and it was also a bit unnerving to admit that they didn't know how they had managed to react in the way that they had either.




The doggy-researchers had many theories. The dogs who sang in Mandarin Chinese were tested in all sorts of ways. They had lab work done, they were hooked to different machines and asked to sing a song, then change to another song. They were poked, prodded, and interviewed in different environments. The researchers came up with new models, and the subjects would be tested again in other ways. Everybody involved-the researchers, the ones helping and the dogs who sang Mandarin Chinese-wanted to know what mechanism it was that created this unusual ability to sing in Mandarin Chinese when puppies played chess with the Pope!



This process has been going on for decades, and continues to this day. New theories are presented and tested, and that's a good thing. They haven't given up hope that they might somehow find the answer and know exactly what mechanism creates the ability to sing in Mandarin Chinese in certain puppies when they play chess with the Pope...because so far? There hasn't been any conclusion. The researchers, the experts who try to help these dogs, and the dogs who sing in Mandarin Chinese have no answers. They just don't know.



Now imagine that you are one of these dogs. You had played chess with the Pope as a puppy, and it was a terrible thing to endure, so terrible that you are grateful to have survived it. You were able to sing in Mandarin Chinese, although to this day you have no idea how you managed that. Maybe you even struggle with guilt sometimes, because you were able to sing Mandarin Chinese, while others weren't so lucky and that makes your heart ache for them. Some dogs never try to rewind all those years and find a way to put singing in Mandarin Chinese behind them, but you did. That process was brutal, and took years, and cost you in many ways, but you stuck with it. Now you are able to sing in that doggy kind of way, the way you might have always been able to sing, if only you hadn't played chess with the Pope when you were a puppy. Other dogs around you don't know how hard it was to be a dog who first sang in Mandarin Chinese, then did what was necessary to sing in a doggy kind of way, but that's OK. You know, and you are very proud of it.





Still imagining that you are one of these dogs, how would you feel if somebody came along and said that the mechanism that created your reality was exactly the same as the one that causes some dogs to be afraid of the vacuum cleaner. They don't seem to be anything alike to you, and you feel pretty confident about that, because you have not only been one of the dogs who sang in Mandarin Chinese, you have also been afraid of the vacuum cleaner and gotten over that too. Seems like that would qualify you as more of an expert than the dogs who didn't sing in Mandarin Chinese and had never been afraid of the vacuum cleaner, doesn't it? You also know good and damn well that nobody knows the mechanism that creates dogs who become able to sing in MandarinChinese, because you'd still like to know why you were different. You make it a habit to check out the current research and see if the answer has been discovered yet.



Do you think you might be a little annoyed by that? Possibly even very angry, to see someone make what amounts to a mockery of what you have been through? Maybe you'd come to the conclusion that this person, for some reason unknown to you, is willing to pull things out of thin air. Maybe from where you are sitting that's just how it looks.

Crazy~Feet
12-15-07, 05:47 AM
Setting: Any room

Characters: Human beings

Scene: A possible conversation


"Cecil, what theory have you to present regarding your primal urges, expressed by a desire to relieve the pressure you believe exists in your bowels?"


"Well Professor, I propose that the possibility exists that I had a sausage roll earlier. This can be explained by the equation sausage roll + Cecil == digestion, where Cecil == exactly what Cecil is supposed to be and digestion == BM."


"Isn't there the possibility that a different equation might explain this set of unfortunate circumstances?"


"Well sure Doc, that may well be, but you'll forgive me if I point out that you seem to have a peculiar personality trait wherein your ego requires finding alternative equations and somehow it is offensive to you when others believe there are better things to do than attend your latest lecture."


"What could possibly be more important than my latest lecture? I believe I have found a new and exciting way of removing all restrooms from the face of the Earth! Why would anybody fail to see that this is paving the way for a new (and might I say, infinitely better) way of life?"


"I have a theory about that, too. I propose that the possibility exists that people possess an uncertain quantity that I call 'free will' and by virtue of that quantity known as 'free will' they decide that they'd really rather hang with others simply because they like them, and watch 'The Three Stooges'"


"I find that to be ludicrous. What does this so-called 'free will' and 'The Three Stooges' have to with anything, especially my oh-so-enlightening lectures?"



"I say it's because they possess 'free will' and this leads them to believe that what they choose to discuss is just as important as anything else might be, and in light of this, they then choose to share a common bond that makes them all feel connected, namely, watching 'The Three Stooges', in an atmosphere where they feel safe to do so without you leaping out from behind a potted plant to tell them how stupid and wrong they are."


"Cecil, have I ever told you that I was aware of this 'free will' thing and have found a way around that, too? I expect to see you at my next lecture and expect you to have a look at this equation of mine. It presents a solution to this 'free will' nonsense, and explains exactly what everybody really wants out of life and why it certainly cannot be watching 'The Three Stooges'!"



"Gee Doc, you know what? I'd do that, except that I find your lectures to be windy and boring. I question why you seem to believe that you know exactly what it is that everybody really wants, when clearly you are not, in fact, able to be everybody else."


"Have you got an equation to support that?"


"No, I don't and I don't have any more time to discuss this. It just so happens that I believe I like 'The Three Stooges' because they make me laugh, and what I really want right now is to go take a dump. "

Crazy~Feet
12-15-07, 05:51 AM
I see so often the fears about what may result if a person decides to take meds or medicate a child (or two, or four).


"Will I lose my creativity?" :eek:


"Will I turn my child into a zombie/robot/doll/etc. if I medicate them?" :eyebrow:


"Will I be like normal people?" :rolleyes:



Creativity, in my experience, remains. I may lose some of of my tendency to fall into hyperfocus, meaning that my output may be reduced. However, my increased ability to focus seems to make my work better, I pay more attention to details that I might have missed previously, catch my errors more easily...these are some of the differences due to medicated states that I have seen in what, in the end, is my own natural creativity. I own that part of my personality and no, it cannot be separated from me and will not vanish when medicated. I am what I am.



Zombies? Robots? DOLLS?? OK first off I think this type of thing is patently impossible, but maybe that's my ADHD brain splitting hairs due to the absurdity of the descriptions offered. IF you or your child have a reaction that is very unusual, that results in a resemblance to one of the options provided or a reasonable facsimile therof (I love that phrase, don't you?) there is something wrong. At this point you discontinue the medication, and call a doctor immediately. This type of reaction may occur, but its certainly not the norm, and probably means what so many of us discover: This medication is not the one for this particular person's body chemistry. That does not mean that this will occur with every ADHD medication that exists. Furthermore, ALL medications carry risks, every last one of them, including those nifty little orange St. Joseph's baby aspirins...remember those? I loved those, they tasted like oranges.



Geez, why do I have these images in my head of people morphing into plastic baby dolls, complete with pacifiers and little bonnets? Must be that quirky ADHD sense of humor, that never changes, on meds or off. I can be zany and random and cut up the same when I am medicated as I do when I am not. Some things you just never lose. I am what I am.



As for the last option...wow. I mean just WOW! "Normal"?? Who are you trying to kid here? I have PI ADHD...what is "normal" for me is too be easily distracted, to tend to space out, to say "HUH?" quite a lot...I have a neurodiversity. I am not abnormal and neither is anybody else with ADHD...




ATTENTION!
THIS MEANS YOU!




(I wish I had a picture of Uncle Sam from those Army posters right here, you know, the one where he points his finger right at you?)





I think what these people are wondering is whether or not, if they medicate themselves, some mysterious switch somewhere will flip from ADHD to NT. This will never, ever happen. Brains do not change (well, they may due to brain damage or disease or...there I go again, seeing all the angles, thinking outside the box) from neurodiverse into neurotypical ever. As in never. Forever and ever, amen.



Besides, that little switch really does not exist you know...except maybe in a another dimension, when the time/space continuum becomes distorted and a black hole suddenly appears somewhere off to the left of Jupiter and...there I go again. Oh well.




I am what I am.

Crazy~Feet
12-16-07, 02:13 AM
LAUNDRY THE ADHD WAY, IN A HOUSEHOLD WITH NO NT AVAILABLE.

Day 1-Ignore laundry entirely, to you it doesn't seem that bad yet.

Day 2-Realize that people are going without clean clothing, including yourself. Mumble and complain on the way to the laundry room. Sort laundry, become distracted, forget it entirely.

Day 3-Family complains about lack of clean clothing. Reply that you really mean to do it today. 12 AM remember laundry. Start load of colored wash, cramming as much as you can into washer to save time.

Hang out at ADDF until you remember laundry in washer. Go to laundry room, place in dryer, start load of delicates and forget about it. When the dryer buzzer has gone off several times, take colored wash out of the dryer and place it in basket. Do not fold. Ignore laundry in washer. Go to bed at 2 AM.

Day 4-Finally remember delicates in washer, after family complains that they have no clean socks because you didn't do the whites yet.

Go to laundry room, open washer and discover that the delicates smell a little off and are partially dry. Mentally debate whether it is bad enough to wash again, decide against it, place in dryer. Add extra dryer sheet and hope family will not notice.

Place whites in washer, wash on cold without bleach because you are distracted by family's complaints, which are growing more persistant. Call family foul names under your breath, and when they ask if you said something, claim you said nothing.

Ignore basket of unfolded colored wash, until the dryer has buzzed several times again. Finally fold colored wash, but leave it on the bed. When spouse complains, blame it on the kids.

This reminds you of delicates. Go to laundry room, remove delicates from dryer. Fold into laundry basket, put grey whites into dryer. Feel productive and reward yourself by posting at ADDF. Ignore buzzer. Go to bed at 2 AM.

Day 5-Family is irate about socks. Tell them to get them from the dryer themselves. Declare that laundry is the evil bane of your existance, make kids fold grey whites. Refuse to put away any remaining wash, instead hand out piles to individual family members. Feel like you are overworked. Spend remainder of evening in a cranky mood.

Lather, rinse, repeat until you can convince spouse to take the whole batch of newly dirty laundry to the laundromat. Laugh when he forgets, because he has ADHD too. Complain that you have no clean laundry...

Crazy~Feet
12-22-07, 09:17 PM
You Know You're Spending Too Much Time on Paint Shop Pro...



When you look at every greeting card as a possible tag.

When you buy a new coat, and tell others it's your new Raster Layer.

When you see a frown on someone's face & you tell them to put a bezier curve on.

When you sign papers and you are frantically looking for your tag to put on them.

When you tell people you put on your gem tubes instead of your earrings.

When you can tell what fonts are being used in TV commercials.

When other women complain of PMS you think of PSP.

When you look at pictures on people's walls and think "I could have put a better frame on them than that!"

When your idea of "marching ants" differs from the little columns of black insects roving through your kitchen.

When you go to the paint store and ask where the "custom" brushes are.

When you think it would be so much easier to flood fill your walls instead of painting them.

When the word "challenge" makes you instantly look for a picture at the end of the sentence.

When you are in the hot sun, you look around you for a drop shadow to sit under.

When your boss gives you a new assignment and you ask if there is a tutorial for it.

Crazy~Feet
12-22-07, 09:18 PM
What's this thing called PSP?
I pondered and I wondered...
I hit this key and that key..
Oh gosh how I blundered!

It scared me to death
The things what were in there,
The tools were all taunting...
Click on me if you dare!
I clicked on the browser
And things went a'flyin...
Scared me to death
And left me a'cryin!
I hit the wrong key
And the toolbar went 'Poof!'
I thought "Oh my goodness,
Did I ever goof!
It said 'open an image'
An image? What could that be?
This button, that button...
This thing's a'pickin on me!!
But the more I went in there
And the more things I tried,
I no longer feared it,
I no longer cried.
I learned it and learned it
And learned it some more,
Now the rest of my life
I just plain ignore!
So don't bother callin
I won't answer the phone...
I'm a PSP'er....
Just leave me alone!!!

Crazy~Feet
12-28-07, 06:51 PM
An oldie but a goody. I thought I had lost this, and when I found it I was pleasantly surprised and just had to save it here. :D Note to readers: I no longer take Concerta but I would recommend it.



05-27-06


Still bumping up the doses of Concerta here, but paying close attention to improvement and time affected by meds. The books all say "humor, humor, humor", and I am truly blessed cuz my family has it, in spades.

This is how I realised my meds were beginning to wear off yesterday, yet I still had some in my system.

9 PM (I am also posting this at 9PM, coincidence? I think not), and I finally get back to the laundry that I started earlier. Everyday life had interrupted me, I had not totally forgotten about the laundry and I was soo jazzed...I remove the dry laundry, place it in the basket, place basket where I will run into it (old habit ) and proceed to toss the wet laundry into the dryer. I cut the dryer on and begin to load the washer...and hear an enormous "slam!" and the sound of bits of metal in various sizes rolling and bouncing everywhere!

Whoops! Not only did the "scientifically gifted brain" here forget that the motion of a running dryer can make the objects on top of it begin to "walk", I had also laid a box of crib parts precariously on the edge of the dryer (means its definitely gonna "walk"). Did I handle that with no irritability or impulsivity? NOPE! I screamed at the top of my lungs...something very foul to the effect of "Somebody perform a non-traditional sexual act upon me using a tree limb" ...Hubby "Ya ok baby?"...kid "MOM! Ya alright? What happened?"...I run out and soothe my families nerves, explain that what I SAID was highly inappropriate and no, I did not intend to repeat it for their amusement (We really are a family that runs on humor, ok?), and said I had already cleaned up my mess when they offered to assist me. Then I turned right around and finished the load I was beginning to wash and I actually remembered that I had not put soap in.

There is no moral to this story. I just wanted to share the joy.

Crazy~Feet
12-28-07, 07:31 PM
THE PERILS OF USING A PUBLIC RESTROOM

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.



You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.