ok. On a little break from marriage counseling, to let the dust settle a bit. We're just about due to go back, since we agreed to go in January again, and it's fraying around the edges a bit.

What drives me nuts is the dependency thing. He acts on some things, both on small stuff like how to address a bill, and on major huge stuff like an ongoing health issue of his, like he has no ability to think or decide for himself. He just floats along. He tells me he's not happy with this doctor, has been telling me this for YEARS now, and I just mumble mmmhmm now because I know how this dance goes. He goes in for a visit, tests or whatever, asks the doc some questions, gets a non-answer pat on the head and "It's all good, come back in three months" and comes back and tells me "It's all good and I'm going back in three months". "I say "What did he say about ______" and when hubby tells me the response, it's some kind of nonanswer, or an answer to some OTHER question he didn't ask, and his question is just left there twitching on the ground. And the times I have said "You know, you've said for years you don't like this guy, why don't you get a second opinion", his answer is that he doesn't want to upset this doctor.

Oh. My. God. Hold me back. He sees how this is an ongoing problem for me. How it scares me that the father of my children has this ongoing issue that isn't being addressed to our satisfaction. THAT doesn't bother him at alll. Torment your life partner, mother of your children, with anxiety and concern for your health while you spend years not getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep, and of course being sensitive and grouchy from all that not sleeping - that's not any concern to him at all, not nearly as much as the fantasy that Daddy Figure Doctor might be mad at him. Excuse me, you're the adult patient, you are in the driver's seat, tell the man in a firm and polite way that you want to hear some other ideas on your case, and this board-certified urologist will be just fine with that.

(Insert long string of dirty words). It's CHILDISH. And I'm supposed to be supportive of this, and say enough - I'm a nurse and he expects some intelligent input from me - but not too much, because then I'm being controlling. (More dirty words... dirtier... filthy ones... yeah, that's what I'm thinking).

Okay. He's scared. I know that. I'm scared too. And so far handing all the control to this doctor who's running a mill and rushing us through with now real listening to our concerns is NOT making us feel any less scared. Hmm, maybe time for a new viewpoint? After this many years?

God. I'm trying to vent so I can speak to him in a constructive way and not shut him down with a storm of my own emotions. But (more dirty words) last night after a party he interpreted some look of invitation I gave him as I circulated the room - a look that meant "Wanna join me?" - to him that look meant I was trying to control him, to get him to come when I called him.

Did I say "hold me back?" Are you holding me back? As much as I've held myself back from stepping in and taking the wheel on this and other issues, as much as I've gritted my teeth and stepped back, he's got the nerve to say I'm trying to control him when I wanted to introduce him around at a party. I'm really ready to rip him a new orifice.

On his plus side, he's a good and faithful husband, hard working, in a healing profession, and cares for my mother as if she were his own. He has an intelligent mind that at our best, works in a nice point-counterpoint kind of way with mine, and we share our overal values, as in, not really into acquiring things, valuing education, some ways similar senses of humor... and damn it, my heart leaps in my chest when he looks at me just that way.

So, where shall I put the new orifice? Someplace that doesn't mess up his handsome mug.

Seriously, what is this paranoia aobut "control"? I mean, Lord, I have more to do with my brain already, I sure don't need to run a whole 'nother person on it.

Insert long string of dirty words). It's CHILDISH. And I'm supposed to be supportive of this, and say enough - I'm a nurse and he expects some intelligent input from me - but not too much, because then I'm being controlling. (More dirty words... dirtier... filthy ones... yeah, that's what I'm thinking).

Ahh the relative to a nurse double standard - that the nurse is never supposed to win - I do it like this - I tell them what I believe in my opinion to be the correct avenue - my advice is buffet they can take my advice or leave it - it is up to them. I will repeat it "x" # of times after that I tell them to access thier mintal tape recorder press re-wind and re-play my suggestions the past 500 or so times.


One adult can not control another adult - unless the other adult allows it to happen or is "extorted", "exploited" ect . .. I simply do not see you are the extortion, exploitation ect type.

God. I'm trying to vent so I can speak to him in a constructive way and not shut him down with a storm of my own emotions. But (more dirty words) last night after a party he interpreted some look of invitation I gave him as I circulated the room - a look that meant "Wanna join me?" - to him that look meant I was trying to control him, to get him to come when I called him.

Some times I have to really lay down the law with Gary when he gets a mind set - I have to insist upon him being responsible for his own emotions by refusing to accept the blame.


If my intention are in question than he can ask me - when he misinterpretations some thing I tell him the correct interpretation he can believe it or wallow in his own feelings quietly.




Oh. My. God. Hold me back. He sees how this is an ongoing problem for me. How it scares me that the father of my children has this ongoing issue that isn't being addressed to our satisfaction. THAT doesn't bother him at alll.

For some reason men have a hard time understanding how their health issues affect us . I think some times people tend to subconsciously believe as long as they don't deal with a health issue it isn't real. Once we begin to deal with problem directly we must first admit these problems are ours and we are responsible for how we react to them. Procrastinating can be a form of "soft" denial.

I hope this helps and I do hope all goes well when you do decide to discuss these issues

that was so interesting to read something from a non-add parthner.

it did make me chuckle (of course because i enjoy your writing style) but because i know for a fact i am guilty of these things too.

i have beaten myself up over the fact that i havent gotten my oil changed to the point where i have mysefl convinced i am doing damage to the vehicle... then with no logical explanation overlook a huge scratch in the paneling of the side door.

when one is nothing but a two mile drive, 20.00 dollar cost, and a 15 minute wait, and the other is a obvioulsy more expensive and troubling predicament.

why?

i have no clue. but i think it is in our processing where we are "responsible" for the oil change. we dont want to forget, fail, screw up and reap the consequences from either our worst critic (ourselves) or the people we love.

so, the scratch... it wasnt my fault. so not that as big of a deal. to someone without ADD, this would see highly backwards.

that said,

i wanted to add.

i dont know how severe your husbands condition is or what his diagnosis is, but, i have a severe cause of ADHD. Now i am not an expert on the differecnces between ADHD and ADD other than what i've read... but you cant truly know.

one thing i've noticed is that when i hyperfocus, i pay absolutley no attention to my body. i dont feel hungry,thirsty, hot, cold. I wont even pee. i dont feel tired. its like my brain takes over my communication to my body.

i am told this is common. when i get a cold, i dont even feel it. if i am sick i am only sick for a day when its at its worst.

i got my wisdom teeth out and went bowling and hour later. Sure you can say i have a high pain tollerance... but from what ive seen with my groups, it is not uncommon.

sometimes at work when i leave, i realize on the drive home i have to go to the bathroom to the point where i feel like i am gong to explode... or i realize that i am exhausted... i am a floral designer and while working ill see blood and realize it is coming from me and i didnt even feel it.

the point im trying to make is,

your husband may (MAY) not take his health care seriously because of this reason. us ADHDers are really bad at picking things up... interpreting others is difficult, but even ourselves is hard. as silly as it seems. i NEVER go to the doctor. my father, whom i know is ADHD although he doesnt, is even worse. he works too hard, plays too hard, doesnt sit still, and belive me... if you can get your hands on the book ADD and Romance i would read it cause i was my parents marraige to a T. i had to hear my mom complain of how he was inconsiderate, never "available", bad at communicating, everything in the book, you name it... so it may be useful to you.

also, in that book, it describes a cotex/cortal/blah blah lobe (im no doctor) that often is affected. it makes us ADDers not process information correctly. it describes that we often translate comments into negative ones.

they describe a girl with ADD and her boyfriend:

amy's car broke down and she asked brian to take her to work the next morning. given the circumstances brian had to be awake and out of the house at 4:30 AM. brian is not a morning person. so when he arrived to pick up amy, he said, "you know what this means? i must really love you if i got up this early to take you to work this early."

amy glares at him and says, "what is that suppose to mean!!!"

long story short... that is quite common... that, and a mix of a desire for stimulation is a bad combination. the book describes that an ADDer might unconsiously pick fights, say black when u say white, or be passive aggressive to create a reaction that will stimulate them.

i would recommend the book.

i feel it is pretty darn close.

my ex boyfriend (who i had read it) felt it was broad and generalized... that many people do these things. which, i agreee, but to someone who has ADD or ADHD it is how it affects the quality of life for long periods of time which is the key.

such as, my father who this book is a dead ringer, can fit in every chapter from the time they got married to their relationship now, or whats left of it.

now, my mother (whom i made read it) said:

"well yeah, this is your father, but am i just suppose to take the abuse?"

well, it is up to both of them, they both have to want to make it work and come together to make steps to identifying and then resolving the conflicts one at a time with hard work, communication, consistency, persistance, and date night once a week, flowers, and surprises.

if the last couple feel impossible, try a good marraige counseler.... and i mean a GOOD one.

but i enjoy reading this perspective... makes me see how it is on the receiving end...

: )

For some reason men have a hard time understanding how their health issues affect us . I think some times people tend to subconsciously believe as long as they don't deal with a health issue it isn't real. Once we begin to deal with problem directly we must first admit these problems are ours and we are responsible for how we react to them. Procrastinating can be a form of "soft" denial.

Here here! (Hear hear?) My hubby's the son of a surgeon and he won't go to a doctor unless bone is protruding from skin!

Plus, just the fact that you said the dreaded "U" word (urologist) suggests that it's something that he might be anxious about himself.... Could be contributing to the whole sense of you "controlling" him, perhaps? ("She makes me see the peedoc --- distinguished from the pdoc --- and I don't want to, and yet I go anyway and now she wants me to see yet another one????")

Well, for what it is worth, Piglet, I hear you. Been trying to get my hubby in for a regular old physical for YEARS. And he's had some, ehem, prostate issues, too. Very frustrating, particularly if you, like me, fear the possible C-word, right?

Can you bribe him with sexual favors? Hehehehehehe! Wipes eyes. No, I'm actually serious... They're just such simple creatures (w/apologies to the fellas on the board...) :D

Or you could apply for life insurance and the insurer would require a physical?

Just trying to get creative here...

Sandy.

I'm not the non-add partner. I'm the ADD partner.

I think my husband is some kind of obsessive. Small "o". Not so much it is a big life impairment, just enough to make living with him harder.

Thanks for your thoughts, all of you. I have actually made some headway overall; we're better together. Two steps forward, one step back.

your post nearly brought me to tears. For one thing, I'm in a parallel situation with my own DH (me ADD, he's only annoying.. lol). Only our issues differ from yours. He's quite content to ignore something that could potentially be dangerous (non health related, as of yet). If you ignore it, it's not really a problem. :rolleyes:

What really made me misty eyed was the other points in your post. The good stuff about your husband. In the midst of our battle of the minds, it's hard to remember why we married them in the first place.

Thank you for giving me a bit of oomph to help me remember.

It IS easy to forget that in the middle of a "gaaaah!!!" situation. I'm trying to make a point of doing more of that, because he is a wonderful guy. It's just a shame that dumb little things get in the way. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth to not say "Look, you're doing it again!!" but who wants to live with a person who does that? So I grit my teeth sometimes; sometimes I loosen my jaw and say what's on my mind. I'm trying to learn the right way to balance them.