I have no idea what the heck is wrong with me, but for some reason every time i start to get close to a guy, as soon as he tells me he loves me i run away. I honestly do want to get married and have children, but as soon as things start to get serious, i shut down, wont pick up my phone or anything. Especially if he says the dreaded L-word.. I want to stop, but no matter how hard i try to i cant and i am beating myself up for it. Does anyone else do this?

Actually, I don't think this is unusual and seems to be a sign of fear of commitment and maybe it is, but when the L-Bomb gets dropped that usually means much more... ie... living together, closer bond, getting to know each other more. Sometimes we just don't want others to know who we are and what our internal problems are and it forms a fear that if we commit to the love we will be hurt by a loss due to our ADD ADHD traits.

This is just part of it, but for a lot of us it's a big part. There is a great deal of risk involved. Many of us wait for that perfect vibe from another which gives us the feeling we can say and do anything and not be judged and even when we feel it, it's hard to trust.

For many years many girlfiends called me commitment phobic and there was much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth as they tried to make me settle down and play "Housie Housie" with them.

(Housie Housie....that universal kids game where they play at being adults.....playing this game stops during adolescence but reappears with a vengeance from age 19 to 28 unless the reality is experienced).

Looking back with hindsight every last one of them would have been a disaster to marry.....even being married to the only woman I've every really clicked with has been a major struggle at times owing to my ADDnesses.

Running from the L-Bomb........is A GOOD THING. It's you're subconcious telling you that things ain't quite as simple as they look.

OK so you may want marriage and kids but I believe an ADDer needs to find an extra special person to shack up with.....very tolerant, very patient, very strong, very calm and very very forgiving.

In addition both parties need to know that the cultural norms and expectations surrounding love and marriage should be completely ignored......it ain't going to be like that.....and the lust for love blinds both sides to that uncomfortable fact.

From my experiences none of my girlfriends or my wife understood that......and neither did I since I'd never looked at or understood why I'd never settled down.

There are two phrases that always struck a chill into my heart.

"I love you"

"Where is this relationship going"

If anyone says "I love you" within 6 months of meeting you....beware

If anyone says "Where is this relationship going" within 12 months.....beware

If anyone says "Will you marry me" before you're 30 say No

If anyone says "Shall we start a family" before the 5 year relationship anniversary...say No

Hearing these words from a lover would be the only time I would use the "disability" word in relation to ADD/ADHD, for in my experience it's in relationships and childrearing that ADD becomes a MAJOR issue.

It's not the love or marriage thats the reason your subconcious is saying "Run away Run away".... its because your subconcious knows that ...Love -> Ring -> Marriage -> Children -> Slippers by fire mug of cocoa in hand.... in an NT mind faster than a speeding bullet.

and while love can fade, rings can be returned, marriages dissolved, kids need you forever.

You're not running from the commitment to the silver tongued love speaker, your running from the commitment of having to look after their kids for the rest of your days...

That is why you run from the L-Bomb.....and rightly so.

kilt

Running from the L-Bomb........is A GOOD THING. It's you're subconcious telling you that things ain't quite as simple as they look.

If anyone says "I love you" within 6 months of meeting you....beware

If anyone says "Where is this relationship going" within 12 months.....beware

If anyone says "Will you marry me" before you're 30 say No

If anyone says "Shall we start a family" before the 5 year relationship anniversary...say No

That is why you run from the L-Bomb.....and rightly so.
kilt
Listen to this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He knows what he is saying!!!!!!!
I got married after 6 months and divorced after 5 years. NEVER AGAIN!

Thank you, Kilt. This helps alot! My therapist couldnt even explain this to me.

For many years many girlfiends called me commitment phobic and there was much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth as they tried to make me settle down and play "Housie Housie" with them.

(Housie Housie....that universal kids game where they play at being adults.....playing this game stops during adolescence but reappears with a vengeance from age 19 to 28 unless the reality is experienced).

Looking back with hindsight every last one of them would have been a disaster to marry.....even being married to the only woman I've every really clicked with has been a major struggle at times owing to my ADDnesses.

Running from the L-Bomb........is A GOOD THING. It's you're subconcious telling you that things ain't quite as simple as they look.

OK so you may want marriage and kids but I believe an ADDer needs to find an extra special person to shack up with.....very tolerant, very patient, very strong, very calm and very very forgiving.

In addition both parties need to know that the cultural norms and expectations surrounding love and marriage should be completely ignored......it ain't going to be like that.....and the lust for love blinds both sides to that uncomfortable fact.

From my experiences none of my girlfriends or my wife understood that......and neither did I since I'd never looked at or understood why I'd never settled down.

There are two phrases that always struck a chill into my heart.

"I love you"

"Where is this relationship going"

If anyone says "I love you" within 6 months of meeting you....beware

If anyone says "Where is this relationship going" within 12 months.....beware

If anyone says "Will you marry me" before you're 30 say No

If anyone says "Shall we start a family" before the 5 year relationship anniversary...say No

Hearing these words from a lover would be the only time I would use the "disability" word in relation to ADD/ADHD, for in my experience it's in relationships and childrearing that ADD becomes a MAJOR issue.

It's not the love or marriage thats the reason your subconcious is saying "Run away Run away".... its because your subconcious knows that ...Love -> Ring -> Marriage -> Children -> Slippers by fire mug of cocoa in hand.... in an NT mind faster than a speeding bullet.

and while love can fade, rings can be returned, marriages dissolved, kids need you forever.

You're not running from the commitment to the silver tongued love speaker, your running from the commitment of having to look after their kids for the rest of your days...

That is why you run from the L-Bomb.....and rightly so.

kilt

SexyLilWench....oh my!! this handle is KILLING ME!! I'm laughing hard! I hope its true though!(about your name, being Sexy, etc)...

I won't tell you I love you! I want to get married to! but, I'm really scared of the L word as well!

Two ADDERS SITTING IN THE TREE---K-I-S-S-I-N-G....:)

Kilted Scotsman(another name I like--but in different ways..:)) okay, I agree with you on many points, but some are a little flawed. Have you been married yourself?

You said:

"Will you marry me" before you're 30 say No...

There are plenty of successful marriages that start in their 20s, while I don't necessarily agree with getting married in your 20s, people of course do it and have have success. Age is an issue(maturity), but for some people(generally the "NT's") age isn't an issue. I think when you are 28 or 29 its okay to be engaged, getting ready to get married--whatever.

anyone says "Shall we start a family" before the 5 year relationship anniversary...say No

what!? so I guess I'm screw#d then! I'm late 30s and never married. I DO want to get married, but for a lot of your reasons that you stated--I'm not. But, if I meet someone, after a year or more, I plan to get married, and hopefully START A FAMILY. I'm not going to wait 5 years. This comment might be good for "younger" couples, but not "older" people like myself. Somewhat of a long shot at this point(having a family), but you never know. I just don't agree with this statement.

Yup I'm married...and the words I wrote come from bitter and painful experience.

This forum is packed with pain regarding careers, financial management, relationship difficulties, impulsivity, intoxicant abuse, infidelity, difficulties with kids....

For an NT - NT relationship with kids just ONE of those issues can cause serious relationship problems....ADDers are often on this forum with SEVERAL.

I had ADD behaviours....significant ones but they were not signficantly impacting my life and though i had bouts of depression and drank alot I suspect this was because I did not understand why I was "different" and could not relate to others easily.

Becoming a father turned my ADD from something I was subconciously coping with to something monstrous that has had catastrophic effects on my wife, my kids and myself the ramifications of which may well extend into the next generation....(My father had the same experience at a younger age).

If I had felt or acted the way I have after becoming a father it is certain that I would never of been given the chance to become one...i'd have run away and/or my wife would have dropped me like a red hot coal and rightly so.....but once kids were there we were locked together even if we separated.

Therefore I would say that an ADDer should enter parenthood with a significant amount of self-awareness and a spouse fully understanding of ADD and its potential effects on their relationship.

Marriage itself isn't a big deal...thats easily annulled.....but what scares me is the assumption that marriage is but a springboard for a rapid and joyful dive into the deep pool of familial bliss....

it's too late then to find out neither of you can swim well when two beautiful children climb onto your backs......

and those big heavy ADD boots might have slowed you up a bit on land....but in the deep water they're a whole new nightmare.

Yeah....aren't you glad you decided not to jump in unless you found an Olympic swimming champ as a partner....and told 'em all about your big heavy boots.

kilt

I can completely relate to everything that's been said. Story of my 20's. But I met someone who totally completes me. She is my balance. While she knows i'm add she accepts me and allows me freedom to be but reminds me of what I'm supposed to be doing. We were married a year to the day we met.

Since we've been married I started taking meds and it's prevented a near divorce. You can do it if you really want to. If you don't then that's every person's perogative.

Fear to commitment!!! Welcome to my hell :)
It applies for almost every aspect of my life, not only relationships.

Kilt, I wish that you were around 10 years ago when I needed that advice :-)

Another phrase that follows the L Bomb is the "You don't even care"