I met my friend a few weeks ago at a local bar, we hit it off right away and come to find out he was looking for a place to stay. I am buying a house and was looking for a roomate. After finding this out, i asked him if he wanted to move in. I thought it would be a good idea, because i dont get along with other girls very well. Anyways, I told him whenever he wanted to move in he was welcome to. So, he calls me yesterday and asks if he can move in. I told him to come on over, about a half hour after his call i get this message on myspace... it is his ex girlfriend and i honestly dont know what to think of it. She also went in his account and deleted some messages from me that he had not opened, and is in general starting a bunch of drama saying all kinds of stuff about him and I at the bar we hang out at.



Hey Jenn, my name is (Edited!!) and I am (Edited!!'s) ex girlfriend. I don't mean to cause you any confussion or trouble but I am just going to let you know that I am aware he is possibly moving in with you. I would suggest to you that would NOT be a good idea. About an hour ago, I packed his things from my house and moved him out. I don't know what he has told you but most likely they are all lies. He and I had sex last night. I hope you get this before you jump in the sack with him. If you want to talk some more and want to know what I know about him then you might want to call me. He is not trustworthy at all. I am only doing this because I don't want him to cause you any pain like he has me. I will forward an email to you from him a few minutes ago that he has sent me if you want proof that he has lived with me for 6 months plus. He may have 100 dollars on him and nothing more. Don't let him sucker you into his lies. They are very hurtful and because of all the lies I have found out yesterday and today, I am not sure what he is capable of. I will let you make that choice. Honey, I just wanted to let you know this is a friendly letter to you and not an email out of jelousy. Please be careful. You are too young to let a man like him hurt you. I hope you don't read this if he is around but I am going to assume you have let him stay with you tonight because, you have already offered him a roof over his head. To let you know ahead of time, he has not paid me rent in two months. I hope to hear from you soon. I do not have access to the internet often, ecspecially now that he is gone. Call me at anytime. I don't even mind you calling me tonight. XXX-XXX-XXXX...I hope to hear from you soon.

I took out their names on the off chance that anyone knows them.... but anyways, i am soo confused by this whole thing. One part of me wants to blow it of as she is crazy because he dumped her, and the other part of me wants to tell him to get the heck out of my house. :( I just got seriously hurt by my (ex)best friend, and this is making me seriously doupt my choices. I asked him about her last night and told me she has been starting drama ever since she found out he was moving in with another girl....

I haven't even finished reading but this is the first thing that popped in my head: " don't know what he has told you but most likely they are all lies. He and I had sex last night."

If he's such a deadbeat... why's she still screwing him?

*ok, back to reading*

Now, you've only known him a few weeks and you already offered to let him move in? That doesn't sound very brilliant, but that's MY opinion. In which case, unless you've done background checking on him, gotten references, etc., then if he stiffs you rent, I honestly have to say, tough noogies.

As for the girl, sounds jealous. If they did indeed have sex like she said, she's still got feelings, he knows this and is using it for free sex, and she sees you as a threat.

Sounds like you stepped into a right big pile of poo.:(

Sounds like a bunch of drama to me. I would assume one of them is crazy and either way it's going to be a mess. I would get out, if I was you.

I know several of his friends, and they all say she is crazy, and he is a good guy... but those *Are* his friends..... And i really need the extra money to pay my morgage.... darnit this is so confusing!

Her: Borderline Personality Disorder

Him: Antisocial Personality Disorder

IMHO

A lot of what she says is most likely true but she plays a role in it herself.

I don't get the intention from your post that you have any desire for anything but a roommate so her advice about having a relationship with him is the only good thing about this. I guarantee you that she will not leave you alone.

Sounds like a bunch of drama to me. I would assume one of them is crazy and either way it's going to be a mess. I would get out, if I was you.

I 2nd this, big time!

Run far, far, away. As fast as you can.

Gosh I miss hanging out in bars. :)

Gosh I miss hanging out in bars. :)

Those were the days

I agree with mspen, that if things were so horrible, why did they just have a roll in the barn? I cannot not roll that one around in my brain in any such way to make a bit of sense no matter what the true or false of it is. Run, run, run, stop ruminating about what's up and run dear! :-)

In my opinion they both have a lot of drama to deal with; I personally hate drama...of any kind. I avoid it at all costs. I wouldn't want her over at my house, yelling in my yard, disturbing my neighbors...and you never know what he's capable of. Now, if you were to do a background check and credit check it might ease your doubts. Do you even know if he has a job to pay rent with?

My main issue would be because I work in insurance(Homeowners and Auto) and opening your home to someone you don't know/haven't done a background check on can come with a huge liability. You can be responsible for any person he brings on your property, with or without your permission. Those liabilites are the reason we have insurance, but you may want to avoid opening yourself up the unnecessary.

**As far as them sleeping together....big deal - I left my ex because he was a huge butthole, but it didn't stop me from having sex with him. *shrugs* Depends on the person and what you want, I guess.**

I met my friend a few weeks ago at a local bar, we hit it off right away and come to find out he was looking for a place to stay. I am buying a house and was looking for a roomate. After finding this out, i asked him if he wanted to move in. ...

OK that's enough information right there. DON'T move in with someone of the opposite sex who you just met!!!!

Guys like that used to hook up with my ex, and some of them stole her jewelry and stuff... Like others said, run run run!

I've noticed that several members have suggested that you "run, run, run."

Granted, that did work OK for Forest Gump, and I will not argue with you on that for a second.

However, I would tend to worry about someone you appear to have developed feelings for (and maybe vice versa) that perhaps might want to follow you if you were to "run,run,run."

Anyhoot, what you decide to do will be ultimately up to you, so I thought I might provide you a couple of more options (not yet mentioned) that I have always found to be very effective methods of causing people to almost instantly want to avoid me at every turn. Both of these do take some acting ability, but if you can pull it off you will be very pleased with the results.;)

Option A) Find a local church in your area,belonging to the most annoying religious group you can think of and reluctantly drag yourself in there to get some of their free literature handouts. Anyhoot, after getting your hands on the literature, I would then suggest that you run,run,run back to your car. Seriously though, once getting your hands on some of their literature always make it a point to pull it out when he's around, and try and convince him of why he needs to become a member of this particular sect . Ask him (frequently) if he's has thought about his need to convert to this religion , or ask him (frequently) if he's had a chance to finish the book yet (anything religious and boring looking should do with this guy). If you do this with sincerity, and with consistency, then you should be able cause him to take all steps necessary in avoiding you.


Option B) Get yourself some Amway catologs, and everytime you see the poor soul in question pull out the latest catolog and point out how the new tooth paste they are selling also doubles as a driveway sealer, or a miracle plant fertilizer, or whatever. The bottom line is that no matter what might come up in conversation with the guy, always direct it back to some kind of Amway product that is exactly what he has been needing his whole life. Also mention how much you want to see him get as much out of Amway as you have, and that if he's willing to work hard, that the two of you can retire as millionaires in less than 15 years. If you are sincere, and also consistent, he will leave tracks in your new driveway (which you can then cover up with that amazing toothpaste I described). :)

Lol!!!

I've noticed that several members have suggested that you "run, run, run."

Granted, that did work OK for Forest Gump, and I will not argue with you on that for a second.

However, I would tend to worry about someone you appear to have developed feelings for (and maybe vice versa) that perhaps might want to follow you if you were to "run,run,run."

Anyhoot, what you decide to do will be ultimately up to you, so I thought I might provide you a couple of more options (not yet mentioned) that I have always found to be very effective methods of causing people to almost instantly want to avoid me at every turn. Both of these do take some acting ability, but if you can pull it off you will be very pleased with the results.;)

Option A) Option A) Find a local church in your area,belonging to the most annoying religious group you can think of and reluctantly drag yourself in there to get some of their free literature handouts. Anyhoot, after getting your hands on the literature, I would then suggest that you run,run,run back to your car. Seriously though, once getting your hands on some of their literature always make it a point to pull it out when he's around, and try and convince him of why he needs to become a member of this particular sect . Ask him (frequently) if he's has thought about his need to convert to this religion , or ask him (frequently) if he's had a chance to finish the book yet (anything religious and boring looking should do with this guy). If you do this with sincerity, and with consistency, then you should be able cause him to take all steps necessary in avoiding you.


Option B) Get yourself some Amway catologs, and everytime you see the poor soul in question pull out the latest catolog and point out how the new tooth paste they are selling also doubles as a driveway sealer, or a miracle plant fertilizer, or whatever. The bottom line is that no matter what might come up in conversation with the guy, always direct it back to some kind of Amway product that is exactly what he has been needing his whole life. Also mention how much you want to see him get as much out of Amway as you have, and that if he's willing to work hard, that the two of you can retire as millionaires in less than 15 years. If you are sincere, and also consistent, he will leave tracks in your new driveway (which you can then cover up with that amazing toothpaste I described). :)


He works on a tug boat, and is home for fifteen days, then out for 30. I thought this would make a perfect roomie, because i wouldnt have to see him 2/3 of the year! :rolleyes: One of our friends works with him, so i know it is a legit job... They are on a break for the holidays and he leaves again mid January. As far as the liability, i have to get a roomate no matter if it is him or not, so the liability thing would follow me.... Its just the drama she is causing that is ticking me off... Someone at the bar gave her my phone number, and she has been blowing my phone up all evening. I hate when someone goes "Sweetie, i hate for someone as young as you are to get hurt!" It makes me feel like im two and talking to my "mommy" :eek:

In my opinion they both have a lot of drama to deal with; I personally hate drama...of any kind. I avoid it at all costs. I wouldn't want her over at my house, yelling in my yard, disturbing my neighbors...and you never know what he's capable of. Now, if you were to do a background check and credit check it might ease your doubts. Do you even know if he has a job to pay rent with?

My main issue would be because I work in insurance(Homeowners and Auto) and opening your home to someone you don't know/haven't done a background check on can come with a huge liability. You can be responsible for any person he brings on your property, with or without your permission. Those liabilites are the reason we have insurance, but you may want to avoid opening yourself up the unnecessary.

From my personal experience, roommates suck in general. The quiet, unsuspecting ones at the beginning never stay that way, and this dude's situation seems dysfunctional already. It will only get worse.

Having ADD already, do you really want to make things more complicated and prone to disaster?

And there is nothing worse than some ex-girlfriend who has already proven to be a major pain in the ***.

Avoid drama! I am still learning this myself.

Yet another "ruuunnn... fast and far - at least from the roommate arrangement" agreement post.

Most alarmingly, your house? It is hard to get rid of roommates.. I understand the financial straits, but this guy doesn't sound like King Reliable anyway - how long before he stops paying rent "til I get back on my feet"? The house is in your name.. mortgage, credit history, default, oh my. All this stuff will be on your head, not his, not hers. Please be careful, especially if you've had experiences with friends screwing you over financially.

Relationship advice is easy to give, impossible to take. I hope this guy ends up being a good friend to you. (And that girl stops calling you, sheesh.) But regardless of how it works out personally, the financial stuff? This is not a sentimental/ nuanced decision. Please look out for yourself.

pretending to sale Amway or possess desire to convert him into a paticular religion are rather interesting approaches to this dilemma but I think what you need to do is truly consider is what are you really seeking from this arrangement. Life is full of enough liars, lying to ones self should not be the source of increased confusion - if you know your own intentions then the approach needed becomes crystal clear {IMHO}



If you are merely seeking a room mate get a decent deposit to cover any possible losses and the rent upfront - a legally binding lease agreement should also be considered so he will be appropriately aware of any and all expectations. Keep it pay as he goes and do not allow him to become in debt to you - meaning he pays each month in advanced period.


The girlfriend needs to be told that you are not interested in their personal business - as a room leaser his sex life and personal business that transpires outside of your home is of no consequence to you and is not some thing she needs to continue sharing. As far as I am concerned it is not a Land owners duty to keep tabs on her tenants romantic liaisons and any and all altercations between the two of them needs to be kept at the girl friends house.


I would tell her under no uncertain terms this is a business transaction nothing more nothing less and if she feels the need to be a pain please ask her to share it with his other business contacts such a bank teller, credit card lean holders, car loan officer ect otherwise you will be left with no choice but to consider you are being harassed due to your gender which is discrimination . . . . the issue should not be up for discussion.

The girl friend is assuming your are romantically interested in him and if you are then by all mean follow the advice given above and run run straight to a counselors office do not pass go do not collect $200.00 Any one considering becoming personally involved with a man who has this much baggage from the get go needs to address some personal issues - Should you only be interested on a business level then by all means clue in the girl friend so she will quit fretting. I would choose the emotionally detached direct business like approach leaving no room for post conversation discussion.

pretending to sale Amway or possess desire to convert him into a paticular religion are rather interesting approaches to this dilemma but I think what you need to do is truly consider is what are you really seeking from this arrangement. Life is full of enough liars

Life is full of enough liars. Why let them waste your time? I suggest that instead you waste their time. Quite a difference IMHO.

Moving in with someone you just met suggests to me that you have some BOUNDARY ISSUES to examine.

The fact that you have been warned this guy is bad news (some evidence it is true), is a liar and deceiver and cheater, and YET you are still considering him to move into your Residence?

This concerns me even MORE about your Boundaries.

Psychopaths (who share some overlap with the Anti-Social Personality guys that MSPEN mentions) often tell a good story and will charm your socks off.

I'd ALSO really be wary of having a relp with a guy who is so transient in his housing.

He's got nothing to lose, right?

Presumably you have everything to lose, if you can't make your mortgage payments. God, why are you betting on this problematic man helping YOU out?!

If you still have to have this guy in your life: Have the cops check him out. (I would.)

I had somewhat the opposite happen to me. I moved in with a friend (a guy) and he had just broken up with his crazy girlfriend. I knew she was out of it because i had known her for a few years. He was an alright guy, but after that relationship he was never the same. After about a month i had to move out, he was SOOOO creepy.

I agree with most of the posts, don't get into drama. Know that once you let him in door he will be hard to get out. Last thing any of us ADDers need is added stress.

Moving in with someone you just met suggests to me that you have some BOUNDARY ISSUES to examine.


Good point . . . ..

Sounds to me like she is trying to screw him over. If he moves in, give him a couple of months and see what happens. DON'T get invloved with him. Keep it friendly. Work out rent arrangements before he moves in so everything is clear. The ex could be right, but she is also a woman scorned and god only knows what they are capable of.

My thoughts:

1. Break-up sex can be great. If they had it, it's their business. That's not a huge issue for you, unless he was headed to your house with a wedding band for you.

2. Or she may have used sex as a ploy to keep him around, and it didn't work.

3. They may NOT have had sex, but she said they did to get your attention. Probably hoped to really **** you off, if you have feelings for him.

4. She's probably telling the truth about his cash flow. It won't be hard to determine either. Just ask for the rent up front...right away. If he starts pulling excuses that become continual, you have a loser on your hands. I'm not saying being broke equates to loser -- don't get me wrong. I'm saying that if he has money to go drinking at the bar, buy himself 'other stuff', then he should DEFINATELY have rent money.

Considering the reason you want him there is 'help' with the mortgage, then it IS important that he has a job with some cash flow.

5. If she's loony and still in love with him, then you haven't heard the last of her. Be careful and be prepared for major drama.

Good luck to you with this. I feel for you.

who's right? who's wrong? WHO CARES!

Your home, especially your new home, is supposed to be your personal sanctuary. Do a background check on any prospective roommate and pull their credit. You do not need Norman Bates and his girlfriend bringing their boloney into your house.

There is nothing wrong with taking your time. Bringing another person into your personal living space is a big decision. The best roommates are the ones that do not own very much and are never around...

All the Best-

I agree with Non Sequitor right there. You do already have ADD which is a roller coaster ride in intself. It may be a better idea to be with somebody who balances you out and not somebody who will make it more challenging for you. I myself once wanted to be with a fellow ADD-er but it turned into total chaos and friends of ours advised agaisnt it saying that we could end up killing each other one day! So think about it really hard. Goodluck! :)

If you must let this charming young man move in with you, find a store that sells legal forms (like rental agreements) get a phat-so-I-don't-screw-myself-if-he-bails deposit and lock up your valuables.

This is coming from a one wide-eyed trusting girl who learned the hard way by getting evicted because I got screwed over by "reliable" roommates.

Having had many flatmates and lived cheek by jowl with many interesting, varied, smelly, unpleasant, rude, lying, inspiring, cheating, dishonest, loving, beautiful, promiscuous, venal, ............... people.

I can speak with a bit of authority that the best flatmates

a) are the same sex as you

b) come recommended by a couple of friends as being of sound mind

c) have and interesting selection of vices and virtues, all in moderation

d) start as personable strangers and leave somewhere on the border of acquaintance and friend.

e) have an obvious and verifiable source of a similar amounts of cash as he rest of the house inhabitants.

f) have good taste in lovers and do not scream or use food during sex.

g) respect the fridge

kilt

Moving in with someone you just met suggests to me that you have some BOUNDARY ISSUES to examine.


Isn't that somewhat normal-ish though? I mean, that's why there are so many "roommate wanted" adds & stuff. It can be hard to find a roommate that you know very well sometimes. *shrug*


But in general, I also think that no matter who the crazy one is, you will very likely have to deal with this craziness eventually. In your home.
I would at lest keep looking for other, possibly better roommate prospects. Maybe a nice, only slightly eccentric older lady w/ a few cats (as long as you're not allergic :-) ).....? :)

Hmmm.

First things first. Send a final message off your existing phone. Say that you appreciate her concern, but your personal life with friends is private. Then don't reply to anything. Change your number and don't under any circumstances give it out. Try to make sure she doesn't get your address. If she does, you can get police action. As a last resort get a restraining order.

Make it clear to your flatmate that you do *not* want her on your property. He can make 'outcalls' if he wants the sex that bad.

As for checking his validity as a flatmate, get some non-friends to write a reference for him, ie. his boss, previous flatmates in the past etc.
I don't know if you have them here, but in Oz we have cohabitation agreements. You should get him to sign one if that's the case there. Stipulating that the girl is not to come on your property or that there are no relationship dramas.

Crack down hard on her because otherwise this won't stop.

It is a good option him being out to sea if it is a legitimate job.

The main question is, are you attracted to him as anything other than a friend? Because if so, don't get him to move in. Full stop!