... when he gets the impulse to act on a thought or a sexual trigger
(usually involving calling an ex-lover to "catch up", several of whom are still friends with him and have been "friends with benefits" over the years) and then feels the need to cover it with me (lies about it or omits it) because he "didn't think it was important..." or he "forgot about it"... ??

He tends to be a Now or Not Now type of person. I call it Steve Talk and Steve Time. :) If he says in the Now, "I'll be home soon", and he thinks fifteen minutes, it means he will be along in about two hours. If he says he is NOT going to do something (Not Now), THAT WILL BE THE THING he does do (when it becomes Now) OR... he will do a different thing entirely and declare it is fine to change his mind (Not Now after all).

He does not prescribe to accountability. He just wants to have fun! :D I am a planner with a fixation on reliability. Go figure, hahahaha!!!

I knew when we got together two years ago that he was a player/swinging bachelor who was searching for a LTR, and I was looking for security in a LTR. We fell into lust and it grew into love. Sex plays a HUGE part of our relationship, for both of us. I just want it to be open and honest. I am a mature woman and I can handle reality if I know the truth. He seems to need to choose a fib over a simple truth when it involves his impulsivity. Then that ****es me off (I can always tell when he's fibbing as he has certain mannerisms he cannot control) so I confront him and then he admits he felt he had to fib.

(He has always been impulsive in sexual relationships and pretends to be true to one gal all the while.) I know this because he let me read his journals.

His need for stimulation is VERY HIGH. Porn is extreme. We practice non-vanilla sex to keep it interesting.

So... am I hoping for too much to want him to be up front with me? I realize he is wired the way he is wired, and he is not going to change. Why is it hard to be honest with someone who is 'for you and not agin you'? I am open to fashioning our relationship in whatever way we BOTH benefit from.
I don't live inside The Box, either, same as him... I want unique and exciting, too...

But I want it to encompass both of us.

Is the fibbing thing a trait of ADHD? I mean no offense, this is a sincere question.

I have almost the opposite focus... be honest with me because a fib is a personal affront to me. I certainly will be honest with you. I am ADD, by the way. He is ADHD.

Anyway, just felt like rambling a bit. I know this lacks a lot of info... and I sort of went all over the place.

I am mostly really happy with my partner. I just wish he could cut the fibbing out.

:)

So... am I hoping for too much to want him to be up front with me? I realize he is wired the way he is wired, and he is not going to change.

I think you just answered your own question.


Is the fibbing thing a trait of ADHD?


I don't think it's a trait per se vs the NT'ers I've known.

There's one guy I can think off the top of my head who I used to know who would talk about certain things happening, string someone along for awhile, then say he was joking.

What was funny was that it got to the point where some people stopped believing what he said. :)

What was even funnier was he actually complained about that.:D

Maybe, thinking he's going to get away with the lie provides an extra sense of excitement and doing something wrong. So, therefore taking away his need to lie takes away the excitement factor of it?
So... am I hoping for too much to want him to be up front with me? I realize he is wired the way he is wired, and he is not going to change. Why is it hard to be honest with someone who is 'for you and not agin you'? I am open to fashioning our relationship in whatever way we BOTH benefit from.
I don't live inside The Box, either, same as him... I want unique and exciting, too...


:)

Maybe, thinking he's going to get away with the lie provides an extra sense of excitement and doing something wrong. So, therefore taking away his need to lie takes away the excitement factor of it?

Good point.

I think it adds to his need of stimulation, along the lines of the sex/porn comment Greeneyes made.

His need for stimulation is VERY HIGH. Porn is extreme. We practice non-vanilla sex to keep it interesting.



Then the lying needs to stop as complete honesty is a must if this relationship is to survive.{IMHO}

No it is NOT an ADD quality but it does seem to be a quality some do possess - the presence of ADD not with standing.






I have almost the opposite focus... be honest with me because a fib is a personal affront to me. I certainly will be honest with you. I am ADD, by the way. He is ADHD.


IN the same boat there and I had to give my ADHDer a slight whack between the eyes with a mirror - just so he knew two kan play . . . if ya know what I mean. I never crossed the line but I did let him know the ability was there should I decide to use it - words can mean so little to the ADD mind however a slight demonstration of possibilities does seem to make the necessary impression to engage the hearing and memory Gary heard the message loud and clear and to the best of my knowledge the issue has remain resolved sense - that knocked back to Jr High feeling does it every time unfortunately that is what it took for me to communicate the requirement for honesty.

Thanks all of you for your comments and input. I appreciate it!

We have a good, very loving relationship. I am never bored with this man! He has some great qualities that shine over his ADHD behaviors that drive me buggy.

(And I don't think I am a picnic to live with all the time, either, with some of my focuses. But overall, I am accepting of myself and can enjoy life with him, and I can enjoy it without him.)

I am a stickler about being truthful because I have been in relationships where dual lives were practiced. I was single and 'the girlfriend' to a married man at one time. When I met him, he lied to me and said he was divorced with one son who lived with his mother in NY. After six months dating this doctor who swept me off my feet and pursued me with vigor and literally showed me the world (and passed himself off as single), he confesses (while we are in the tub together) that he in fact was married to a pediatrician living in our city and they had three kids. I was in love with this jerk and it was not easy to just let go. I eventually did let go and move on.

But back then, and even now, I knew of several people who were having affairs with co-workers, escorts, best friends-- you name it. And it made me sad that they could not SAY what they need, work it out with their partners, whatever it took. It was easier to have the affair than actually focus on the work required to heal the relationship.

We are the sums of many equations in our backgrounds and lives. We have experiences that shape our personalities. We have been "wired" certain ways in our brains, and while we can learn to handle our lives through awareness and with medication and techniques to assist our successes and quality of life, we still must accept that we have a 'condition' which is challenging. That is Life. It happens in Life.

Sorry, I go all over the place. It is hard to jump in and try to fill in bits and pieces for you-- this is cyberspace, after all, and it takes TIME to build a relationship, LOL!!
:D

Bottom line for me is: I really love Steve. He loves me well. He also loves stimulation and it is a huge part of his life. I like it in smaller doses but on a regular basis, LOL! I choose to live outside the box, so to speak. He has opened up his life to me and shared parts of himself he kept private for many years. He has so many qualities that I admire that I am willing to accept his fibbing issues-- but not without being heard by him. In other words, if he fibs, I will confront. That is just who I am. I want him to eventually understand that I do better with the plain truth. I also want him to understand that I am open to explore whatever he is interested in, or at least know about it. We are both mature adults and it's good for us to learn new things! That strengthens us-- exploring together.

But as 'blueyeyore' pointed out, fibbing may be adding a bit more excitement. And he is an excitement junkie! Loves the endorphins!

Okay, I will close. Thanks again for your insights. I know I offered a sketch rather than a complete picture in my first post. I am just getting my toes wet, thanks for your patience. LOL!

Have a great weekend!

GreenEyesDancin