My wife is a very quiet and loving person. She tends to keep to herself and bottles things up instead of confronting them.

I haven't been medicated for the majority of our marraige and my ADD got out of control. I derailed in a big way. I hyperfocused on video gaming when I was at home and spent all of my energy focusing on work when I was at work. I zoned out at home, leaving her feeling neglected and unloved. I didn't work on my relationship with my stepson and she began to resent that.

She left me on November 4th and claims that she doesn't love me anymore, that the feeling is gone and she doesn't want to try anymore. There were never any fights, or anything close. She just gave up on me because she thought that I did not love her and that I wasn't listening.

She is the most important thing in the world to me. So much so that I'm back on medication (which isn't a "magic pill" I know, but it allows me to focus on the problems we had and fix them,) I've begun seriously researching my ADD and finding ways to address the complications of it, including me coming here.

I think that she believes me when I tell her that I want to change, but she doesn't have the trust that she once did. She doesn't want to try, but she is hurting that I am so devastated about losing her. She was truly shocked and taken aback by how hard I have taken this. To be honest, I'm shocked at how hard I've taken this. I had panic attacks at first, choking sobs for weeks. I still cry everyday. I miss her so badly that sometimes I think about doing something stupid to myself, but I know that's no answer and therefore not a risk. (So don't go thinking I'm going to kill myself, I just sometimes wouldn't mind dying to make the pain stop.) I love her so much that I will do anything to be given a chance to fix it. She's emotionally exhausted and claims that she doesn't have it in her to try anymore.

What's almost worse is that she doesn't like that I am trying to build a better relationship with my stepson now that I'm medicated and am in a better place to try to do so. She doesnt' understand why I didn't seem to want to try in the five years we were married and now all of a sudden I do. She thinks that it's a ploy or something to get her back, when in reality, it's something I feel I need to do whether she's with me or not. His real father abandoned him, and I'll be damned if I am going to do the same.

I love my wife, I miss her terribly. I don't know what to do to try to get her to understand that my ADD was out of control. That, while it is my fault that I was that way, it wasn't an intentional thing and that I can take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. How can I possibly prove to her that I can be the person I want to be for her and that there's hope for us?

Has anyone ever gone through this? Did your relationship survive?

Any help would be appreciated... I'm really hurting and I just want to save my family.

-Wil

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I am a newlywed (married just over seven months now) and I am very grateful to be on medication and working through my ADD now--I am certain that if I wasn't receiving help this relationship would not last. I know how ADD can negatively affect a relationship--mine has destroyed several--and how helpless you can feel when it's happening. I also know how difficult it is to try and get a non-ADD partner to understand the limited amount of control you have over things. My husband will probably never completely buy the whole "it's not me, it's my ADD" explanation.

I think it is awesome that you are seeking help and trying to build a relationship with your stepson, but you don't want him to eventually feel caught in the middle of this conflict. Is there any way your wife might be willing to try some counseling? Maybe the two of you could sit down with someone who understands ADD so that she can see that there may be more truth behind your claims than she realizes.

No matter what happens between you and your family, the fact that you are looking forward and working on improving yourself is great--you come first! Concentrate on the future and continue to grow as a person and I am sure good things will come your way. I do believe that is just how the world works.

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I am a newlywed (married just over seven months now) and I am very grateful to be on medication and working through my ADD now--I am certain that if I wasn't receiving help this relationship would not last. I know how ADD can negatively affect a relationship--mine has destroyed several--and how helpless you can feel when it's happening. I also know how difficult it is to try and get a non-ADD partner to understand the limited amount of control you have over things. My husband will probably never completely buy the whole "it's not me, it's my ADD" explanation.

I think it is awesome that you are seeking help and trying to build a relationship with your stepson, but you don't want him to eventually feel caught in the middle of this conflict. Is there any way your wife might be willing to try some counseling? Maybe the two of you could sit down with someone who understands ADD so that she can see that there may be more truth behind your claims than she realizes.

No matter what happens between you and your family, the fact that you are looking forward and working on improving yourself is great--you come first! Concentrate on the future and continue to grow as a person and I am sure good things will come your way. I do believe that is just how the world works.


I am trying my best to get her to try counseling or talk to my doctor or anything else that I can think of. She just doesn't want to hear it, I don't think. I'm not sure.

I've been very careful not to drag my stepson into any of this. I don't push her too hard to see him, even though it's killing me to be away from him. I'm doing my best with it. I've made very sure that he's been told that none of what's happening between me and his mother is his fault.

As for me, it's sink or swim, you know? I have to do something about me, because otherwise, it's time to play in traffic. I've never felt so desolate. I have to improve myself. I've got no choice.

When you were on medications in your marriage earlier, was there a positive difference and did she notice it? If so, then maybe you can use that, as well as the research you're doing as an example of how you learned from your mistakes. It might take some time, though.

I've been through something similar with someone I knew for 30 years (he was ADHD and non-medicated). I ended up cutting him off and don't plan on ever having contact with him again, because - much like your wife - I got burned out from dealing with his bs.

Regarding your stepson, I can see where her suspicions are coming from, but is there a way where you can meet him for an afternoon or two?

I had the same thing happening to me. "you never listen" "you only pretend like your listening" "you always interupt me" etc

I cant blame her though, and medication suck... Im on ritalin now (back then I was unmedicated). It only works for 2 hours and makes me a ****ed of and angry person. There is no sollution, only meds that make me inhuman.

I had the same thing happening to me. "you never listen" "you only pretend like your listening" "you always interupt me" etc

I cant blame her though, and medication suck... Im on ritalin now (back then I was unmedicated). It only works for 2 hours and makes me a ****ed of and angry person. There is no sollution, only meds that make me inhuman.

I feel that way as well about blame. I don't blame my wife. I just wish she had talked to me. If she had talked to me just once, I mean sat me down and said "hey, we aren't doing well" or anything before she left, it would be different. She would have knocked me right out of my haze. She's everything to me. And she's gone. It's killing me, honestly, I feel like I'm being eaten alive.

Christmas Day, I woke up alone for the first time in 8 years. There was no little boy running around excited. No wife to give a xmas stocking to. Nothing. Just me and the two cats. And I cried all morning.

I love her so much, I just wish I could get her to feel differently. I know I can't. I just want a chance. She won't give it to me. She is just done with me. (At least right now she is, my counselor claims that she's in "protective phase" and might not feel this way in a few months.)

I hurt every single day without her. All the time.

And right now, I hate being ADD more than I have ever hated anything. My unintentional neglect of my condition has cost me the most wonderful thing I have ever known. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. It kills me to know how much I hurt her and did not know it. :(

As for medication, I'm taking Dexedrine at the moment, but I'll probably switch to Adderall again if my tolerance goes up like it did last time.

Just an update of sorts....

She and I have sorted out some of the visitation issues... I'm able to see my stepson now. Which is awesome, even if it's a little awkward as we sort out the new dynamic of the relationship a little bit.

I still miss my wife terribly and am trying desperately to get her to give me another chance. She finally, I think, believes that the ADD was the source of my problems along with our communication issues (which rests mostly on her.) Now we are in a place where she just doesn't believe that her feelings can change and that she can only be my "friend" according to her.

I'm hoping that with time she'll come around more than that. I don't know how to go about it. It's so freakin' weird for me. I can hardly talk to her without crying, i certainly can't be in the same room with her without tearing up. It's been three months as of monday. She can officially divorce me in this state after three more months. I want more than anything to save this marriage. <sigh>