OK I know my friends who are very dear to me with think I am nuts for writing this, but I shall explain my reasoning, but I do not hate my exboyfriend.

Although he accused me all the time in ways of decieving him, like cheating and being tossed around from one man to the other. He even heard voices in his head by his dead dog as his source of information. He accused me more of trying to sabotage his precious car's engine, the car means more to him than anything, even more than me since he thinks constantly that I betrayed him.

Things got even worse when not only there was emotional and mental abuse, but now there was physical abuse, because he felt he could not control me, although thru it all I was completely devoted to him.

Am I nuts?, You ask. Maybe I was ,but he is schizophrenic. He had a mental disorder that he could not control. His paranoid mind was playing tricks on him.

Having PTSD, ADHD, & bipolar, I can not control the things that go on in my mind any more than he can. How can I judge the Man for an illness he can not control, when I would not someone to judge me on my disabilties.

Oh don't get me wrong, I can never forgive the (pardon my french) Hell he put me through. That the only word I can use to describe it. I shall never go back to him or trust him. I am not that nuts!

As I said I can not forgive the action, but I can forgive the man, who could not control the demons in his mind..maybe that is why I stayed with him until it feel apart, no matter how it hurt, I loved him enough to look past the disablity like I would hope anyman would do for me.

I am sure there are schizophrenics that are not violent, dunno I have only met one, but I know their thinking and judgment is irrational sometimes and they can not help it. Even with Medication.

The moral of this story, if I want to live my life without judgement for my mind, I believe all should deserve the same consideration,
treat others as you would have wanted to be treated and at least try to forgive the others once you understand their minds. You can either forgive and forget, or live with the pain. Forgiving and forgetting leaves a sence of peace of mind so that you may move on with your life into the future, but to live with the pain you will always remain in the past until it consumes you.

For this reason, I can not hate the Man!

Mel,
You are really moving ahead. I don't know what else to say. I would hope I would be able to do the same thing, but I know it would be hard for me.
Jim

I know it is hard for most, Jim! But I am trying to think of ways to make myself whole again. The Only thing I can think of now is to try to move on and make peace with myself...for I am the one that I should be thinking of right now and my family...but I need ot fix me first before I can help with my family:(

Mel,
I think you are getting closer and closer. i agree with your approach. Fixing yourself is and should be your first priority. I beleive no matter how far anyone is in the world their is always some fixing to be done.

Me agree with ya thanks, Jim!

Melly, my son is schizophrenic. He is only 16 right now.
But.. he hasn't ever been violent to anyone, other than himself. He was suicidal.
He is taking Seroquel and is doing wonderfully.... which I realize can change at any given moment.
Love ya & you know.... I wish you only the best.

Good luck to your son, sweetie, I know all are not violent, and I hope he stays the way he is! honestley

Me too Melly, ty

Yw hugsssssssssssssss :D I keep finger and legs crossed for ya!

Bravo Melly! *stands to give ovation*

You are really starting to move on and better your quality of life. And I'm glad you have the started to see my motto in life. "When I'm done I'm done, now it's time to pick myself up and brush myself off, forgive those who have trespassed against me and move on."

I'm so proud of you Hon..my little sister :D

Huggz from big sis! :X

Hugs sis thanks! Hope yall don't think I am nuts for not hating him

Mel
We have talked at great length about this subject..... I know how you feel, and where you have been. I can honestly say that I think you are on the way to healing yourself. I believe the most important part of moving ahead is forgiveness. If one holds hatred in their heart, the heart cannot heal or move past that. I'm sorry for all that you have been through, but I do KNOW that it has made you the strong and self confident woman that you are today!!! You are an inspiration and a success story.
Love ya
Aqua
OXOX

Hehe Success story! I hope this means I am at the last stages of healing...dunno how much more hurting I can take.

Melly.
I hope there was a time when you couldn't stand him and where you were angry at him for hurting you....then moving to forgiveness is an awesome thing. Please be always vigilant to guard your heart. Ilove ya kid,,,,claudia

There was a time..I think it was yesturday! :D But I can't keep on going like this...the hate just consumes me and makes me more angry..I am tired of being angry...I want to be happy ..that is what I am shooting for.

Melanie,

I cannot understand why you thought I would be ****ed at this thread; I'm so proud of your progress right now I couldn't be happier if it was one of my own kid's taking the giant leaps into self discovery and self acceptance as you are. Do you honestly think I still hate the people who have hurt me in my lifetime.

I truly feel you are getting to the end of the healing process Mel I know you miss Kevin but he wasn't going to change or even work on changing it has been easier to lay blame on you; please, when you are feeling lonely come here or call one of us.

Respect for thyself first and foremost, Forgiveness is grand but do not lose the lesson learned. Hope, Faith, Love and friend's will get you thru Mel

Much love
Cherity
(and stop telling me to not cry,,,I have known you a year and you have grown in leaps and bounds and I am so proud I can cry if I wanna)

LOL then cry away my friend cause I do not plan to go a step back that is a promise:D

ps...I love your new avatar....odie. That is tooo cute..but I know I shall always stick to my draco...my protector!

Watching people grow can be more fun than our own growth. i am pleased and proud to be allowed to watch your change and growth as you unfold yourself, melly thanks

Thanks Crissy< I can only pray this helps other who have been like the situation like me, I honestly do. Love ya!

all i can say is "wow" . and no i dont think you are crazy. i know right where you are coming from.

I knew you would Funkster that why I made sure I showed it to ya!;)

Melly,

I can see no reason to be mad sweety. I have watched you grow the last year. By huge leaps and bounds. It's been great getting to know you and hopefully some day we'll be able to meet.

Thanks for sharing!

Gawd I hope someday we can meet Mary....that would be awesome...

BUT I can say that I can not hate him......I can not help be angry and a part of me still does hate him as new discoveries about of relationship began to unfold,....part of me hates him now more than ever....BACK TO SQUARE ONE AGAIN