Hi. I just joined this group recently. I was diagnosed about a month ago with adult ADD (inattentive, disorganized, and depressive type). Here is some info about me. I'm 36 years old and have never been married. I am funny, well-educated, creative and have been told by many women over the years as being quite handsome. I think my undiagnosed ADD has ruined many of my past dating relationships. I have had little success in maintaining long-term relationships with other women. :( I would like advice about how to be successful with dating relationships as an ADD adult. How soon do you tell the person you're dating that you have ADD? How do you explain to them how ADD affects you without scaring them off? Any other tidbits you could share would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and Happy New Year!

What kind of problems do you attribute to your ADD with regards to past relationships?

I have those same concerns. For me, my diagnoses is something I would keep to myself while "dating". I would only worry about it, IF it happens to become serious enough to think about moving in together and stuff along those lines.Hi. I just joined this group recently. I was diagnosed about a month ago with adult ADD (inattentive, disorganized, and depressive type). Here is some info about me. I'm 36 years old and have never been married. I am funny, well-educated, creative and have been told by many women over the years as being quite handsome. I think my undiagnosed ADD has ruined many of my past dating relationships. I have had little success in maintaining long-term relationships with other women. :( I would like advice about how to be successful with dating relationships as an ADD adult. How soon do you tell the person you're dating that you have ADD? How do you explain to them how ADD affects you without scaring them off? Any other tidbits you could share would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and Happy New Year!

Brakna,

unfortunantley, I'm in your shoes. So my advice might not be that great. I have never been married, and I'm just a little older than you. I have had 4-6 "serious" relationships over the years. I have found that I usually find quite a few things "wrong' with woman I date seriously. Sometimes, I'm just not overally attracted to them, they are nice, caring woman, but I just don't feel the attraction for a long term relationship or marriage. Other times its the opposite..I'm really attrated to them, but they are; mean, stubborn, manipulative woman! I can't find a balance! I'm sure a lot of it is due to my ADD/LD issues. I'm a little different than most guys. My last girlfriend(which I broke up with 3 days before XMAS) I told her I was ADD. She didn't seem to care all that much. So, my advice is to just tell the woman, and if she doesn't like it, then to bad! she isn't the right person anyway. Relationships are tough, and even tougher when you have a disability like ADD. This I KNOW. I used to worry about marrying and having kids, I don't anymore. I usually would rather be alone, than be in a relationship anyway. THe older you get the more set in your ways you become. I find with most women we don't ever have much in common anyway. I like sports(most women don't) and I play golf all the time(most women don't). This is what I do in my free time. I don't like to compromise to "spend quality time" with a woman. At least none that I have ever met in the past. Politcs and religion are also big area's for me. Most women are defianlty on a different page in these area's as well. Good luck. Any other advice, etc...let me know.

one more thing...like blueyeore said, don't announce your ADD till you are "serious". At LEAST 3 months or more of dating. I told my last girlfriend around 3 or 4 months of dating. She sensed something was up(due to my constant complaining about work, negativitiy, temper).

Hey Cameron,
Thanks for sharing. I think we have some similar past dating experiences. My last girlfriend broke up with me right before Thanksgiving. She complained about how some of my behaviors (undiagnosed ADD) were ruining the relationship and how I wasn't as "mature" as she was. Miss holier than thou is 38 years old and has dated ALOT and has never been married. I'm sure her overly perfectionistic tendencies are why she has and probably never will get married. I'm sick and tired of women whom I've dated say, "you have all these great qualities but......" ENOUGH!! I guess I would rather be alone than feeling I'm less than adequate in the eyes of these women I've dated over the past five years.

Yeah, its tough sometimes. I'm 38. When I was in my early 30s, I had a hard time dealing with not being married, or even close to being married. It gets tougher when the people you know, are starting to get married as well. Hobbies are important for single people. Luckily, I have a few. I used to try to "get out" and meet woman, etc...now, forget it. To much of a hassel. My last girlfriend had a 7 year old child(she was 36), and diviorced. She REALLY wanted a serious relatioship, it was to much. I don't think I will ever get involved with a woman with children again, not a good idea.. what do some of these woman say are some of your "bad qualities"? I know what mine are. I tend to get upset and frustrated VERY easily and as most people know this doesn't work in life. A HUGE problem for me. I have been fired from several jobs from my temper.

I guess some of my negative qualities in a dating relationship, due to ADD are:


mood swings and irritability
being distracted (i.e. during sex :()
messiness/clutter, being disorganized
bad habits like chronic nail biting
getting bored fairly easily (after a couple months being together)
dealing with low self-esteem issues (probably because people have criticized me for a variety of things my whole life)

My experience has been never finding a woman who will keep my attention more than a few months. After that "been there done that" sets in. Does this happen to anyone else?

Hey Brakna-

I'm in Valparaiso, Indiana!

Hoosier country! :) I know bloomington, but still..

I'm not sure if I lose my attention after a few months, maybe a few times. I think this is because you haven't met the right person. If I met someone who I was attracted to, and had the other qualities I was looking for, I'm sure getting bored after a few months wouldn't be an issue. My big problem is a woman's physical apperance(way to much focus for me). I'm always looking for that beautiful woman, who is ALSO a nice person. VERY hard to find. Being athletic and good looking, I can be choosey. But my age is starting to catch up with me. Oh yeah, another issue is my employment history. A bit of a problem! :)

I was married for 16 years but got married definately for the wrong reasons. I'm 47 and through hard work still in very good shape. I have no problem attracting women but right now I'm happy single and the thought of going throught the dating rig a ma role tires me out.

Brakna -

About the distacted during sex...been there done that didn;t even get a t-shirt.

I don't understand the distration with sex thing. I just have never had that problem. I have heard of a lot of ADDers with this problem though.

Aurelian, at your age, where do you find woman to date(if you do date)? I don't go to bars/clubs anymore and I find it difficult meeting women in other public environments(grocery stores, etc). BTW, I will NOT do the internet dating BS. I have met a few at the golf range close to my house, but each one(I have got three phone numbers there) has been MARRIED! they still give me there number--to play golf! yeah right! I wouldn't like it a bit if my wife gave out her number to a guy wanting to "play golf" with her. It gets tougher meeting women as the years go by. I still do, but nothing like my 20s and early 30s.

Ok so I'm married and don't date (but I did (alot)). I probably couldn't stop impulsively telling people I have ADD even if i tried. There's no hard and fast rule....if you tell people they'll tell other people.

so

if you only tell your nearest and dearest then you tell a potential partner when things look life they're getting serious......if you've told lots of people.....then they'll find out pretty quick anyway....so tell them early.....

The VITAL thing is that they UNDERSTAND what it means.....and that is very difficult to get across...early or late.

When you read this site you realise that it can be VERY difficult to be in a relationship with an ADDer.

No one knows if their relationship is going to be successful........it's "till death do us part" remember.....and hopefully thats WAAAAAAAy in the future for all of us.

Yup.....you don't even "know" if it was a success even at the end....maybe she just went through the motions and has been deeply in love with Mr Simmons from accounts for years and that gentle smile as she holds your hand as you pass away is because you're very well insured and no one suspects foul play.

In a way you actually WANT to try to "scare them off" early enough so they don't get in the way of you finding THE ONE who is not scared off and loves you regardless of your label.

Yes ADDers often have a history of "broken" relationships......because it's easy to sleepwalk into spending too long with the wrong person and a hell of a lot tougher for us to find the right one.

A list of shorter relationships is actually a good thing....it shows that you're able to date effectively and know when to call it a day.

Trust me.....you may find that having ADD when in the dating game is a walk in the park compared to having ADD as a parent.

and once you're a parent you can't not be one

kilt

Cameron

I never go to bars/clubs etc. I have never had a problem attracting women, but part of my condition is I cannot keep focus which is pretty common to anyone with this. That is why I do better in very dynamic place where the environment is seeming chaos. I am still trying to find the med that is right for me.

Aurelian & Kilted Scotsman,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject. I appreciate the fact knowing I'm not the only one who has struggled with dating relationship issues. I agree that having ADD does seem to make it that much tougher to deal with. After reading other posts as well on ADD & Marriage/Relationship issues, I'm not sure if I ever want to get married knowing that I might drive the other person completely nuts with some of my ADD traits.

Cameron,
You asked about ways to meet new people without Internet dating, etc. I do recommend Meetup.com as a great way to meet other people around common interests. It is not an internet dating site, but a social activity/networking site. For instance, since you love golf there is probably a Golf meetup group in Sacramento or the Bay area. One of my best friends lives in Sacramento and he joined Meetup last year after his divorce and is participating in the various Outdoor Meetup groups. I hope this helps.

p.s. I'm part of Meetup groups in Chicago which are based on my own interests and hobbies.

Interesting discussion. I am not ADD but my partner is. He didn't tell me he was ADD, because he didn't know he was - I told him. Both being well past the flush of youth has probably helped in that I am more tolerant and wanting to understand how he works than I probably would have been in earlier decades, and we both value the goodness in each other and celebrate the great gift of a loving relationship - whereas in earlier years perhaps we both would have been more inclined to get bogged down in things we didn't find easy in each other. I firmly believe that if a person wants a loving relationship and is ready for one, eventually it will come - though maybe not in the form they imagined. The natural flexibility of an ADD person is an advantage then as they have it in them to be able to let go of preconceived notions of what their potential partner should be like, and welcome him/her whoever they are. So don't give up, younger people! Relationships actually can get better and easier as you get older! Though if you want children obviously time is a factor....

Brakna,

thanks a lot for the info! I will check it out. I'm always looking to do more social things. I don't have many friends, and currently not dating anyone. Can get lonely sometimes. Is your friends someone who enjoys outdoor activities? what is his age, if you don't mind me asking?

I think the most important thing is to take care of yourself. It sounds corny and cliched, but how can you be a good partner when you don't know how to manage your ADHD?

It's kind of hard to give specific advice without knowing about your ADHD but I'll just throw out some generalized things just to give you an idea.

How do you manage your ADHD? Are you aware of the things that stress you out? Are you able to de-stress yourself and then get back into the game? :) What about your past with ADHD? Are there any unresolved issues that could get in the way of your relationship? If there are, than really I would focus on that before I start dating. There is no point in you trying to date when there are problems that only you can resolve. Not everything will be 'resolved' mind you. But at least there should be some distance emotionally so that they won't impact your life right now.

For me, I can get pretty upset when people make jokes about my intelligence. It's something I'm working on, but your partner should be supportive enough to stay away from hot button topics.

What about communication? Are you able to tell her when you don't understand something, and are you comfortable with that?

And chose carefully the people you date. Are you dealing with someone who is supportive, understanding, and empathic about your ADHD? Will this person support you when you are having bad days/moments?

Good luck to you

Michiko74,

Thanks for your comments. I found out recently (about a month ago) that I do indeed have ADD when I went to a mental health counselor. So I'm still trying to wrap my arms around how ADD has impacted my past dating relationships. My girlfriend broke up with me right before Thanksgiving holiday. She complained about how my behaviors (ADD traits) were ruining the relationship and I needed to get my 'act together'. Even if she did find out that I had ADD she probably wouldn't have cared or been sympathetic to my plight. Overall I'm just very frustrated that I can't maintain a long-term relationship with other women. I guess I'm going through a self-discovery phase right now with this particular issue.

The reason you haven't maintained a long term relationship is that you haven't met the right woman.....so be glad you haven't managed to sustain a long term relationship.

When you do meet the right woman you find yourself in a long term relationship without even thinking about it............. We've been together HOW long??????

If I could go back and rerun my dating life with my ADD diagnosis.....I'd have a ball....all those relationships that should have been killed off sooooooo much earlier.....
"No I'm not a commitment phobe.....I'm just phobic about committing my life to fulfilling your dreams of motherhood and apple pie....Goodbye"..........

"Neeext.....!"

"My doctor says I have slight neurochemical imbalance and must have continual excitement and stimulation..you up for it??"

:-)


OK so they weren't throwing themselves out of trees.....but now I'm older and wiser I see that that's because I had

"Desperately seeking long term relationship" stamped across my forehead...

when "Find Fun Here" would have been more attractive to the opposite sex.

I think it's no accident that 13 years ago I thought the woman who is lying in bed beside me now was just a cracking weekend fling....and we've survived more emotional trauma than anyone should in their lives.


kilt

I firmly believe that if a person wants a loving relationship and is ready for one, eventually it will come - though maybe not in the form they imagined. The natural flexibility of an ADD person is an advantage then as they have it in them to be able to let go of preconceived notions of what their potential partner should be like, and welcome him/her whoever they are. So don't give up, younger people! Relationships actually can get better and easier as you get older!

I like the way this was written . . . . acceptence is a huge factor ADD not with standing.

Thanks meadd :-)

Taking it a little further....isn't it so that when we know what we want, and are ready for it, we need to set out our intentions and requirements clearly, and then hand them over to the Universe and allow that greater energy to play around with them and actually bring us what we need rather than want? And then we have to be ok about letting go of being fixed on what love has to look like when it walks thru our door.

I think alot of my struggle too is having the E/INFP temperament. Anyone who is an Idealist like me (NF) tends to idealize romantic relationships and have unrealistic expectations. It's difficult being both ADD and an Idealist (NF) and having relationships with others that are well-grounded and practical. Anyone else out there who knows their Myer-Briggs temperament and struggle with relationships because they are an NF? (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP_rel.html (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP_rel.html))

Brakna,

what is E/INFP and Idealist(NF)? interesting. I guess the link you provided would have explained it, but I'm to lazy to check it! :)

Just out of interest, what exactly does being distracted from sex involve? I can't imagine you just stop halfway through and go and do something else (although the thought of doing that makes me chuckle). Is it your mind wandering? Or that you get bored and can't be bothered any more?

I can certainly relate to mind wandering, but I've never found it distracting enough to effect my performance (at least not significantly).

As for relationships and social skills, see:

http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc

http://www.addresources.org/article_social_skills_brown.php

Happy hunting!