FIRST THE QUESTION
I'm splitting the question and background posts in case you lose interest easy. The situation is not only complicated but I'm on my meds so I'll be writing in a lot more detail. If you can stomach the length of the background then I'd REALLY appreciate any suggestions on a starting point for getting her help.


Hey all. After addressing my ADHD it gave me time to think rationally about my relationship...and I need out now! I've decided to break up with my girlfriend. Believe me, I love her with all my heart and it kills me to finally call it quits. I've tried to leave several times but it just hurt so much that I had to go back. But I feel like I no longer have my own identity anymore and my self-esteem is all but chipped away at this point. Need to start living again.

Basicaly my problem is that I need to move out when we break up. I can't move in with my parents. I need a job to pay for a new apartment. However, I'm all but finished with my Physics Degree. I only have to finish a few papers which would take me less than a month BUT after I finish I have to wait 3 months for the paperwork for my degree to go through. Apartments are expensive and would have to work full time at min wage thus delaying finishing the papers and the last class for my minor (not required but it's just one class no reason not to). I graduate and I can start looking for 20-30k salary work. But I need to get out now (it really pains me emotionaly whenever I write that). I'm not going to use her and keep up this farce just for an apartment. You see my problem? It's something of a catch-22. Any ideas of what I can do?

NOW THE BACKGROUND [A.K.A. THE LONG HALF]
Don't have to read this part for the question. But may be helpful if you were planning on saying something like "Have you tried talking to her yet?"

Thank goodness I read some of the stickies above, because it really seems like that PART of the problem is that she is a verbal abuser. That and she is chronically addicted to marijuana (smoked several times daily since she was 13, she is in her mid-20's now yet refuses to admit a dependancy), and honest to god at the very least one personality disorder. Don't ask me what it is, I'm not a psych. But me and all the other 3 roomates (in the past 2 years, they can't make it very long), and every boyfriend before me (each of which lasted only a few months until they inexplicitly suddenly just stop showing up or start sleeping on the living room couch until they got their own place) have noticed something wrong with her. Nothing overt but obviously something not quite right. I've tried to ask her to seek help but that topic seemed to be a severe "no-no" with her since she dosn't think anything is wrong. The worst part is that the ONLY time she is manageable is when she gets high which is every day.

I can write a book on the messed up/questionable things she's done in the 2 years I've been with her but I'll cut it down to 4 examples. I really want to help her so maybe these examples may make a light go on in one of your heads.

1) She is prone to blackouts when she gets drunk. She seems to ONLY have male friends, roughly 10-15 of them, and 2 chick friends which she dosn't even really hang out with. She assures me that I don't have to worry and that she grew up a tom boy blah blah...fine I've dealt with that fact. As much as I hate it I have to trust her or leave her. However, one night with a new guy friend she went drinking with. Came home very late with him. She came into the bedroom and was stumbling all over the place trying to comb her hair. I got out of bed and tried to see if she was fine and she just ignored me and kept avoiding me. Whatever...she was drunk...so I laid back down. She went to him in the living room...got quiet...I go to see whats up and she is sitting in his lap with her face in his neck and arms around each other. I asked what the hell was going on...he left. Next morning I was furious...she was crying said she dosn't remember, that she blacked out. Promised to never see him again and never drink without me. Week goes by and I leave work early to drive and pick her up form her work as a suprise. She wasn't at work, she left early to go to a bar with him...at a bar 2 blocks from where I work. Later, an email left open on her computer she sent to him talked about how she is getting sick of me but can't leave because she knows I'll never cheat on her...Issue was never resolved.

2) She dosn't even know it but she says stuff to people thats kinda...belittling? Instead of saying to a guest that just asked for a band-aid "I'm sorry, I don't think we have any." it's "My boyfriend used up all the band-aids and never bought anymore. Normally I keep a box in the bathroom because, you know, if someone comes over with kids and they get hurt..." and it will go on for a few more sentences. Long-windedness is fine in itself but it happens ALL the time. Takes her forever to get a single idea out AND interjects how It's my fault whenever possible. Its so subtle that I feel like an *** correcting her (e.x. I did buy new band-aids but she wasn't looking in the right place), like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And it seems like every 3rd thing out of her mouth is a negative directed at me. I either have to "stop" or "quit it", "shut up" ,"be quiet", "quit pouting"....sigh.

3) This new years when us 4 were going home at 2 am, the only guy with a car had a 2 seater sports car. The guy with the car was going to drive home and the 3 of us were going to split a cab. But she asked if she can get a ride home and pick us up fast food while me and my friend took the bus...fine. Really crappy way to end new years but didn't want to argue. Well they left, the buses had stoped running and me and my friend had to walk 5 miles home. In the 2 hours we were walking she NEVER texted or called to see if I was okay. When we finally got home she didn't even act like anything was wrong and was laughing and chit-chatting with our new roomate. The kicker was that she didn't even get my friends fast food order. Honestly the worst part is that she didn't even seem to care that I was seriously hurt when I had to walk 2 hours in the cold and she wasn't concerned about me to ask if I was doing okay when I failed to get home at 3 am on new years. Still no apology, in her mind I shouldn't be so sensitive...sigh.

Finally

4) She has zero libido. When we first started dating sex was great. After a few months it stoped. Only time she has initiated sex since was on my birthday. She never puts any effort into it and just lays there now. Lame. Granted when we first started dating she tried to quit smoking pot. Made it a few months, then started again. So I'm thinking #4 has alot to do with her addiction. Just sucks when the dry spells last about 6 weeks untill she finaly agrees to just lay there for me even tho she is "tired" or "has a lot to do in the morning" or "lets do it tomarow morning/night" but just pushing it back again when the time comes. Making me feel guilty for wanting it.

Grrr...sick of typing now. If you made it this far what do you think is up?

Man.. the jig is what's up.

Such lovely writing style you have, btw. But I'm so sorry to affirm it, the relationship doesn't sound like it's doing anything worth salvaging for you.

I think I understand your financial situation, and I'm not trying to say it's not a problem. But I know you can't afford to lose your sanity - it sounds like you've still got it, so don't doubt your instincts here.. I think you know full well nothing about your 1)-4) sounds right (would you ever treat someone that way??), and I'm really sorry your relationship has to end. It is really tough to end one, even a bad one. I wish you the best.

i agree with leah....

how willing are you to sarfice your happiness for her, and for how long?
I think you must be pretty resilant to have stayed as long as you have to try and make it work.

It sounds like she has issues that she needs to deal with before she can be in a productive relationship and the longer you stick this out the longer it'll be before she realises she needs help. (from the examples it sounds like she needs moer help than you can give her, she needs professionals involed)

As far as the apartment I know how it feels. Except i stayed...it was the dumbest thing i could have done. Do they have 'student housing' where you are (here its called that cause rent is subsized if you are in school or working to go to school) Would that be an option. What about crashing at a friends for a month? and then work to get an apartment untill you paperwork comes through? Sometimes school consellors will have resorces for people in your situation. Even in college. I don't know how open you are to talking to a school consellor but they will probly know your area and whats available for you better than I do

Hope it works out for you....and try to remeber that even though it hurts to leave her you need to take care of you and maybe then she can realise that se needs to take care of herself.

two words! student loan!

i had similarly catch 22ish situation to you, only it was involving exams (crashed my car, would have to work crazily hard to pay for the repairs which would mess up my study time) so i went and got a student loan. you have a year to pay it off and its complely interest free!

all of this only applies if you go to monash uni in australia though. I'm sure yours will have a similar prohgram, especially if you manage to convince them that your study will suffer without it!

good luck!

The relationship isn't worth a crap = I would emotionally seperate myself from her never depend upon her emotionally {or for a cab split} and leave when I was ready - why would I punish myself because she is a jerk.

gotta go with the general consensus here. You sound like one of those really nice guys that girls with poop for brains looks for to keep them company when the party is boring. If something exciting pops up, girl with poo for brains just shoves nice boyfriend in cupboard until needed.

women worth having are usually available when aforementioned nice guy is still busy with poo for brains girl. You can't save her. Doesn't sound like she wants to be saved, and frankly, your first point that you made should alleviate any angst you have over leaving her.

Do you have any friends that would let you crash temporarily? Can you finagle a not so fabulous job, *temp agency?* to add the needed funds to finance an apartment?

I definitely think you need to cut your losses with this chick. She's going in a completely different direction than you are and I'm sad at how your heart feels for her.

Good luck.

Thanks for the support everyone. Hearing from you folks I know that the situation probably isn't as grim as it feels.

Leah: Thanks for the comment on my writing. Honestly I've been playing with the idea of trying to get a story published. Never had the attention span to finnish a story but after I got perscribed some meds for my ADHD I feel that I probably can finnish. Hearing that has made me a little more enthusiastic about the idea and I just may give it a shot.

ninjanicole: Haha, the student loans...Yeah i've been going to school 8 years now...full time. I belive I'm roughly in the neighborhood of $50,000 in debt with student loans and thats just with me. My parents also has a huge debt when they signed for the student loans when I first started. Sorry I didn't say anything since it's kinda pertinent to my situation. At this point lenders just won't give me any more money which makes this difficult when I want to go to graduate school.

DeloresMelon: Funny you should comment that I sound like one of those "really nice guys". Everyone tells her this and even her sister has got onto her to get her **** straight because she she dosn't want to lose me. Before things got bad and events started to get to me I couldn't care less about other peoples opinions about her or me, only what she thinks about me and she was happy. But it's still is/was very nice thing to hear that people thought I was doing a decent job.

Sorry everyone else: Thanks for your advice. Again, things seem a little better after hearing your suggestions.

Hey great!! Why not give it a shot? Also best of luck with finishing your degree! Physics, jeez.

Hope you keep us in the loop.