tactilejones
02-20-04, 05:24 PM
Hi. I apologize in advance for a long post, but here goes...
I am a 32 year old male who was diagnosed with ADHD almost a year ago. My adult life has seemed like a consistent slide downhill.
A little background: As a child, I always had difficulty finishing my shcoolwork. Homework assignments would drag through the evening sometimes until late at night. I could never finish tests on time; however, my teachers (at a Montessori school) would often let me skip the next period to finish, because when I did, I would usually have a near perfect score. I read and reread the questions, and was terrified of mising an answer because I hadn't read the question right. I got good grades, but on report cards my teachers always commented that I was a "space cadet", or that I "marched to the tune of a different drummer". I felt a bit like an outsider at first, but then acheived popularity for my sense of humor. I also landed in the chair outside the principle's office many times. When I did get sent to the principle, my teachers would speak to me in this knowing tone, as if to say "you're so smart--why do you have to clown around". I always struggled to pay attention/keep up when we did worksheets or workbooks in class together, and later I could never take legible or thourough notes. In little league, my coach stuck me in right field, because I was often caught daydreaming or observing passing geese when the ball came my way. When I caught a game-ending fly ball, sealing our win, the star player on the team joked "he was just putting his glove up to block the sun from his eyes!" Once, I hit what should have been a double, but "overran" my teammate on 2nd base (how could I run and pay attention to who was where at the same time?) In soccer, I once drove the ball all the way down the field, only to score a goal for the other team. The first sport I ever excelled at was raquetball; I only had to pay attention to one thing. In middle and highschool, my grades were marked by periods of acheivement, slides downhill, and quantum efforts to get back ahead. These years were also punctuated by many disciplinary run-ins; though I got many "demerits", I was never considered a really bad kid, because most of my crimes were lateness to school/class, not paying attention, or joking around with others in class. Again, paying attention/taking notes was a struggle; I usually got by, and well, by photocopying others' notes and cramming for tests. Cliff's notes were my best friend. In college, in one class without an attendance policy, I attended four times: to take the quarter, mid-term, and final exams, again borrowing the notes of a classmate. I got a high B.
In my early adult life, I can remember feeling like I had all of this energy, but could never figure out what to pour it into. I have held dozens of jobs. Video production, driving a forklift, data entry, waiting tables, temping at various companies and agencies--Morgan Stanley, Citibank, Motown and Polygram Records, St. Louis Department of Health, the Social Security Administration offices, Liz Claiborne Foundation, and many, many more. I have volunteered as a reading mentor, worked in retail, delivered pizzas, substitute taught in three different school districts, telemarketed vinyl siding, done landscaping and apartment demolition/rehab, and worked as an instructor at the locol Zoo's day camp educational program. These jobs took place in four different cities (NY, Boston, Cinncinnatti, St. Louis). In New York, I learned to excercise daily, and went on a 12-mile rollerblade with a large group every Wednesday evening. For the first time in my life, I started to feel slightly competent and lived for Wednesday nights. During this time, I applied, and got into, law school in Boston. Within two months of starting school, I couldn't get out of bed. I remember feeling like my "brain didn't work the way it needed to" to get into the law. Judgements on cases were too black-and-white, and seemed arbitrary, and not in keeping with the creative, relative way that I had come to see the world.
I returned to my home town and sought treatment for clinical depression (1996). Since then, I have continued to "job hop"; after several years of temping, subbing, and working as a camp counselor, I finally got my first full-time job with healthcare: Outdoor Education Coordinator (running residential camp for sixth graders). Eight months of the year, I worked in a small office, set my own agenda and schedule for recruiting staff, designing program activities, getting school contracts, designing our website, and running as many errands out of the office as I could. Four months of the year, I was running around from the time I awoke until I hit the sheets; the program stuck to a strict schedule that was broken into segments of no longer than 45 minutes. It was in this environment that I felt most alive, most able to function as a "normal" person, and contribute something of my talents. Two years ago, a four and a half year relationship ended very painfully. A couple of my quirks that annoyed her the most: 1) I never took the most direct route while driving, but always took the scenic route, never seeming to be concerned with time, and 2) Although I am a good cook, I could never "sit down and enjoy" a meal. As a bachelor, I eat mostly standing up and while on the go, and 3) How can I bounce so many checks, mostly due to not making deposits in a timely fashion?
I was laid off a year and a half ago do to budget constraints. Since, I have worked two 3/4-time jobs (not at the same time) and have not had health insurance. As of last week, I am once again unemployed. I have never quit a job, and never been fired. I certainly have taken a lot of implicitly temporary positions. About a year ago, after 6-7 years of experimenting with different antidepressants, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. I have been on Strattera for about 7-8 months, as well as Wellbutrin.
As I read through these posts, I am amazed how much of myself I see in everyone here. I have been a chronic car and housekey loser; my college roommates put a hook on the wall and a sign with an arrow reading "(Myname)'s Keys". At the camp, I never received my own set of keys, even though I was the only full-time staff member present during my programs. I had to borrow the summer camp director's keys because, they told me, "we know how you are about losing keys".
A year ago Christmas Eve, I totaled my car (not paying enough attention during a snowstorm). A year prior, I had totaled my previous car. I have replaced numerous exhaust systems and one cracked oil pan for hitting potholes or speedbumps. I average one or two speeding tickets per year, but last summer I had four. Three years ago, I declared Bankruptcy, partly to discharge law school debt. I have continued to be slightly overextended financially ever since. I don't drink at all (although I self-medicated a bit in college), I don't use drugs. (Although I do do coffee and cigarettes, both of which I think are terrible habits, especially the latter). I don't buy many things, or spend much at all on entertainment (the occasional movie). For several years I have felt unable to travel outside of the state, because I feel I've lacked the financial resources. I try really hard to balance my budget--I have written a Microsoft Access application for doing so; still, it's hard to sit down and wrap my mind around any kind of working use of the figures. Little by little, I've scaled down, simplified, and limited my life so that it would become manageable. I live in a tiny apartment, drive a (slightly worn) economy car. I have gone to a support group for people with some substance abuse in the family (as is likely in many genetically-ADD-prone families). I have been in psychoanalysis (when I am late my therapist thinks I am subconsciously trying to "punish" myself). Maybe I have beat myself up in the past about failed jobs or relationships, or felt guily for agonizing boredom, when I should be valuing stability. But now I am just frustrated and angry. Faced with another job search, I feel fed up. WHY can't I acheive any sort of stability in my life. WHY can't I do the things other people seem to do. HOW can anyone get it "together" enough to have an intimate relationship (how can one stop moving long enough)? HOW can people ever raise children (when it is such a struggle to take care of onesself?). HOW can one mount an organized job search, when all I've ever been able to do is put a word in with temp services, school districts, and anyone I know until I've "stumbled" into something. I'm afraid that as I get older I won't even be able to get these jobs on my charm and wit anymore.
Specifically, can anyone help me with the following: Do you think ADHD is a significant part of my problem? What kind of therapy should I be getting if so? Do you think a stimulant medication might be more effective for me? Any idea on how I can get myself insured again, so that I might be able to try one? Any feedback or "constructive criticism" would be appreciated. Also, if there are any professionals on the topic out there, your feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks.
I am a 32 year old male who was diagnosed with ADHD almost a year ago. My adult life has seemed like a consistent slide downhill.
A little background: As a child, I always had difficulty finishing my shcoolwork. Homework assignments would drag through the evening sometimes until late at night. I could never finish tests on time; however, my teachers (at a Montessori school) would often let me skip the next period to finish, because when I did, I would usually have a near perfect score. I read and reread the questions, and was terrified of mising an answer because I hadn't read the question right. I got good grades, but on report cards my teachers always commented that I was a "space cadet", or that I "marched to the tune of a different drummer". I felt a bit like an outsider at first, but then acheived popularity for my sense of humor. I also landed in the chair outside the principle's office many times. When I did get sent to the principle, my teachers would speak to me in this knowing tone, as if to say "you're so smart--why do you have to clown around". I always struggled to pay attention/keep up when we did worksheets or workbooks in class together, and later I could never take legible or thourough notes. In little league, my coach stuck me in right field, because I was often caught daydreaming or observing passing geese when the ball came my way. When I caught a game-ending fly ball, sealing our win, the star player on the team joked "he was just putting his glove up to block the sun from his eyes!" Once, I hit what should have been a double, but "overran" my teammate on 2nd base (how could I run and pay attention to who was where at the same time?) In soccer, I once drove the ball all the way down the field, only to score a goal for the other team. The first sport I ever excelled at was raquetball; I only had to pay attention to one thing. In middle and highschool, my grades were marked by periods of acheivement, slides downhill, and quantum efforts to get back ahead. These years were also punctuated by many disciplinary run-ins; though I got many "demerits", I was never considered a really bad kid, because most of my crimes were lateness to school/class, not paying attention, or joking around with others in class. Again, paying attention/taking notes was a struggle; I usually got by, and well, by photocopying others' notes and cramming for tests. Cliff's notes were my best friend. In college, in one class without an attendance policy, I attended four times: to take the quarter, mid-term, and final exams, again borrowing the notes of a classmate. I got a high B.
In my early adult life, I can remember feeling like I had all of this energy, but could never figure out what to pour it into. I have held dozens of jobs. Video production, driving a forklift, data entry, waiting tables, temping at various companies and agencies--Morgan Stanley, Citibank, Motown and Polygram Records, St. Louis Department of Health, the Social Security Administration offices, Liz Claiborne Foundation, and many, many more. I have volunteered as a reading mentor, worked in retail, delivered pizzas, substitute taught in three different school districts, telemarketed vinyl siding, done landscaping and apartment demolition/rehab, and worked as an instructor at the locol Zoo's day camp educational program. These jobs took place in four different cities (NY, Boston, Cinncinnatti, St. Louis). In New York, I learned to excercise daily, and went on a 12-mile rollerblade with a large group every Wednesday evening. For the first time in my life, I started to feel slightly competent and lived for Wednesday nights. During this time, I applied, and got into, law school in Boston. Within two months of starting school, I couldn't get out of bed. I remember feeling like my "brain didn't work the way it needed to" to get into the law. Judgements on cases were too black-and-white, and seemed arbitrary, and not in keeping with the creative, relative way that I had come to see the world.
I returned to my home town and sought treatment for clinical depression (1996). Since then, I have continued to "job hop"; after several years of temping, subbing, and working as a camp counselor, I finally got my first full-time job with healthcare: Outdoor Education Coordinator (running residential camp for sixth graders). Eight months of the year, I worked in a small office, set my own agenda and schedule for recruiting staff, designing program activities, getting school contracts, designing our website, and running as many errands out of the office as I could. Four months of the year, I was running around from the time I awoke until I hit the sheets; the program stuck to a strict schedule that was broken into segments of no longer than 45 minutes. It was in this environment that I felt most alive, most able to function as a "normal" person, and contribute something of my talents. Two years ago, a four and a half year relationship ended very painfully. A couple of my quirks that annoyed her the most: 1) I never took the most direct route while driving, but always took the scenic route, never seeming to be concerned with time, and 2) Although I am a good cook, I could never "sit down and enjoy" a meal. As a bachelor, I eat mostly standing up and while on the go, and 3) How can I bounce so many checks, mostly due to not making deposits in a timely fashion?
I was laid off a year and a half ago do to budget constraints. Since, I have worked two 3/4-time jobs (not at the same time) and have not had health insurance. As of last week, I am once again unemployed. I have never quit a job, and never been fired. I certainly have taken a lot of implicitly temporary positions. About a year ago, after 6-7 years of experimenting with different antidepressants, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. I have been on Strattera for about 7-8 months, as well as Wellbutrin.
As I read through these posts, I am amazed how much of myself I see in everyone here. I have been a chronic car and housekey loser; my college roommates put a hook on the wall and a sign with an arrow reading "(Myname)'s Keys". At the camp, I never received my own set of keys, even though I was the only full-time staff member present during my programs. I had to borrow the summer camp director's keys because, they told me, "we know how you are about losing keys".
A year ago Christmas Eve, I totaled my car (not paying enough attention during a snowstorm). A year prior, I had totaled my previous car. I have replaced numerous exhaust systems and one cracked oil pan for hitting potholes or speedbumps. I average one or two speeding tickets per year, but last summer I had four. Three years ago, I declared Bankruptcy, partly to discharge law school debt. I have continued to be slightly overextended financially ever since. I don't drink at all (although I self-medicated a bit in college), I don't use drugs. (Although I do do coffee and cigarettes, both of which I think are terrible habits, especially the latter). I don't buy many things, or spend much at all on entertainment (the occasional movie). For several years I have felt unable to travel outside of the state, because I feel I've lacked the financial resources. I try really hard to balance my budget--I have written a Microsoft Access application for doing so; still, it's hard to sit down and wrap my mind around any kind of working use of the figures. Little by little, I've scaled down, simplified, and limited my life so that it would become manageable. I live in a tiny apartment, drive a (slightly worn) economy car. I have gone to a support group for people with some substance abuse in the family (as is likely in many genetically-ADD-prone families). I have been in psychoanalysis (when I am late my therapist thinks I am subconsciously trying to "punish" myself). Maybe I have beat myself up in the past about failed jobs or relationships, or felt guily for agonizing boredom, when I should be valuing stability. But now I am just frustrated and angry. Faced with another job search, I feel fed up. WHY can't I acheive any sort of stability in my life. WHY can't I do the things other people seem to do. HOW can anyone get it "together" enough to have an intimate relationship (how can one stop moving long enough)? HOW can people ever raise children (when it is such a struggle to take care of onesself?). HOW can one mount an organized job search, when all I've ever been able to do is put a word in with temp services, school districts, and anyone I know until I've "stumbled" into something. I'm afraid that as I get older I won't even be able to get these jobs on my charm and wit anymore.
Specifically, can anyone help me with the following: Do you think ADHD is a significant part of my problem? What kind of therapy should I be getting if so? Do you think a stimulant medication might be more effective for me? Any idea on how I can get myself insured again, so that I might be able to try one? Any feedback or "constructive criticism" would be appreciated. Also, if there are any professionals on the topic out there, your feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks.