have a problem with deciding on what you want in a woman, especially for a long-term relationship or marriage? I've been thinking about this a bit recently. Here's how it goes for me.....

Usually, I either meet someone I'm really attractive to...but, they are usually: exteremley selfish, b#tchy, and very materialistic...on the other hand....I get along better with the average looking woman, they have good personalities, a few can carry on a conversation, we go out a while(girlfriend), but I'm just never really attracted to them phyicially! its frustrating stuff! its always been one thing or another. I can't find a balance-- at all! I feel bad to, because a few of my girlfriends have been great people, I just couldn't see myself marrying them(which a few wanted).. most of the time I didn't even want to see them naked, before sex! :rolleyes: Not good!

I have always been very nitpicky... the way they walk, butt being to flat, etc(yeah, I'm a little weird:))...as I have got older mid/late 30s, I feel like I'm a lot more relaxed on these nitpicky physical traits. Now, I'm trying to focus more on what a woman values is in important in life. More specifically, her spirtual(or lack of) beliefs, political leanings, nice/caring person, etc...but, I STILL need to find a woman who I'm attracted to. I know most good looking(or beautiful) woman don't have the personality or values that I'm looking for, and the ones that do have the values, are usually average to ugly woman. It seems like a no win situation! I realize not everyone is perfect(I'm FAR from it, and I defianlty have my issues, ADD and all!), but I just can't settle, when I have done this with ex-girlfirneds(especially my last one), they can sense it. Brakna, you seem to have some similar woman/dating frustrations like I do, comments? Anyone?

Maybe I should have put this in the men's section of the forum:confused: but, I figured women could chime in as well.

Hell yeah, I'm starting to get frustrated. Only seems younger than me females are into me, because I'm "cute" and "adorable" and other such tripe. These are always "really ridiculously good looking people" lol and I've found AS A GENERAL RULE NOT ALWAYS the better looking someone is, the more of a dunce they are.

Seriously, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, I think I'm ugly, I'm dysmorphic, and I've had eating disorders in the past. Just stating what has happened to me, no ugly person has every approached me, hell I've never even approached anyone cause I think I'm ugly, only these really cute good looking girls that chase me ever get to know me.

Of course as Im getting older this is unacceptable. I'm 21 and freakin 15 year olds are hitting on me. Even 13 year olds! Yikes! Jail-bait...

I've found the ones that are the most interesting to talk to I'm not attracted to physically... but I'm not picky! Seriously, I find people beautiful that my friends think are butt ugly, but that attraction has to be there.

So, I'm waiting... patiently... very freakin patiently...for someone MY OWN AGE or older (I love pumas and cougars, women in their 30s are the most sexually alluring to me), smart, and that spark me.

The best relationship I ever had was with a girl that also had ADHD, that was freakin awesome. She was very street smart, very practical smart, blew my *** out of the water, but she was completely ignorant about the grand scheme of things, and she was a manipulator and liked to in her own words "ruin people's lives" ugh...

ADHD moment: Sorry never really cared or noticed that it was for late 20s or older...

Mincan, no problem that your a "youngster"! :) your message was a good read, I was laughing. Hey, don't worry about woman now! YOUR 21 YEARS OLD! when I was this age, I was going to bars and living life up...ENJOY the young years--they go by quick! it doesn't seem like long ago, I was 21 and in college and having lots of sex! :) opps, back to my current reality!

late 30s, no job, and no social life! oh well, life moves on! :) I will suvive, I always come through the bad times--OKAY.

Maybe I should have put this in the men's section of the forum but, I figured women could chime in as well.

Sounds like a very good idea to me - {Poof} done . . . .

Females with ADD don't let this being a male section stop them from responding, never has before. Heck you will probably get more females to respond in here than in relationships. I have had men respond to threads about menstrual cycles in the womens section - we have ADD like we know what section we are in - some of us are lucky to know what gender we are.

Oh the topic . . . . . .
Maybe you do not really want to get married - there is no law saying you must.

I have always been very nitpicky... the way they walk, butt being to flat, etc(yeah, I'm a little weird:))...as I have got older mid/late 30s, I feel like I'm a lot more relaxed on these nitpicky physical traits. Now, I'm trying to focus more on what a woman values is in important in life. More specifically, her spirtual(or lack of) beliefs, political leanings, nice/caring person, etc...which reads to a female that you are NOT really relaxed about it..or you wouldn't mention it..

It's like me saying..when I was young, I used to only date men who were "well endowed" and could "go" all night long..but now..I'm really trying to focus on their personality..and if they are nice or not....

yeah..sure :-)

yeah, I'm probabaly not. I guess I should say...I want the stuff I 'used' to want, BUT now I want the other stuff more. I'm bascially just saying that its hard to meet the right person for me. As you can proabably tell, I'm frustrated.

Cameron,

I think part of our struggle too seems to be with commitment issues. Based on some of your postings and my own thoughts/experiences it seems we both might be struggling with commitment phobia. I think for me I have an idealized version of how a gal should be: certain personality, similar interests, looks to a certain degree. And if a real gal comes knocking at my door, I may reject her because of her 'less than perfect' human foibles (which we all have). I would like to know if other ADD men on here have struggled with commitment issues in their lives. Can it be attributed partly or not to ADD? I would like to know.

It's like me saying..when I was young, I used to only date men who were "well endowed" and could "go" all night long..but now..I'm really trying to focus on their personality..and if they are nice or not....




Ahhh yes - the human tripod. ;)

As to women - I've always seen older women to be more attractive. I'm guessing it's because of the experience that comes with 'em I'm guessing.

-s

I am 27 and the closest thing I have to a girlfriend is my 18 year old neighbor but to me it is a purely physical/sexual relationship, I find her annoying personally.

haha, I know what you mean, I'm just sticking with them to satisfy primal urges, they do nothing for the excellence that is in us...

I would like to know if other ADD men on here have struggled with commitment issues in their lives. Can it be attributed partly or not to ADD? I would like to know.

yeah I cant commit to anything thats out of my control. I get bored easily and need to get away, so I've never had a girlfriend or joined any clubs etc.

Brakna, I'm just a mess--plain and simple! I'm not sure if its a committment issue, maybe it is, I really don't know. I went to a relationship counselor once, and the guy tells me"your a good looking guy, what's the problem?" WTF!! the problem is idiot, I can't keep a relationship with a woman, CAN YOU HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHY!?!! that was the last time I saw him! amazing....

anyway, back to your post Branka...I bet I do have(committment) issues. In my 20s, I used to "settle" and was NOT committment phobia, but I did at least have a girlfriend for almost three years(till she broke up with me due to my constant job issues). I don't want to make a coommittment now(or even meet a woman) because of my instability.I'm thinking "outloud", and trying to get other opinons on this topic. . ADD problems tend to tie together..for instance, if you have trouble with impulsitivity, that can effect; jobs, relationshiops, money matters, etc. I don't know, like the rest of you, I'm not a relationship thearapist.

Coming from someone who's been married twice, I can say "Just go for it, you can't go wrong!"

oh yeah, don't listen to me.


A word of advice... sometimes it's better to think with your head. The greatest mate you'll find may be the one that doesn't immediately mesmerize you. Those that immediately mesmerize you can be trouble. Date a bunch of people, and go for the one you like the least. If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

Coming from someone who's been married twice, I can say "Just go for it, you can't go wrong!"

oh yeah, don't listen to me.


A word of advice... sometimes it's better to think with your head. The greatest mate you'll find may be the one that doesn't immediately mesmerize you. Those that immediately mesmerize you can be trouble. Date a bunch of people, and go for the one you like the least. If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.
gee..so I guess I won't be going out with you now if you invite me :D:D

Oh brother - After this stuff I am thinking of switching my sexual preferences - not that I had any real strict preferences to begin with but I do tend to partner up with men Some of you in this discussion have almost talked your selves into being "anti-woman" by exerting imaginary pressure that isn't even there . . .

why are you putting such pressure on your selves any way?

Do you really think the choice of a future life partner is really solely up to you.


If you remain single for the rest of your life does that mean your life is any less significant, meaningful or rewarding.

Despite perceived social expectations there really is No law saying you HAVE to marry - remain single if that makes you happy . . . a word of warning marrying will not make you any happier than you are living alone. Happiness doesn't come from without but from within. No one can make YOU happy only YOU can make YOU happy.


I read well I think women want it all, they want a stable man and they want this and that and the other - as a woman I don't think some of you have CLUE ONE - but the irony is you are bashing women because you are dissatisfied with your own issues - you want to be stable, financially secure, dependable, and all that good jive but you are not so you do not feel worthy of having a loving wife - there is nothing wrong with your feeling and desires what seems to be wrong in my female opinion is the reason you are telling your self you want them. What in the Sam Hill is wrong with wanting be to stable financially for You. Are you not worthy of all those things?


What is soo bad about deciding to become more dependable because that is who YOU want to be - ain't no woman on this planet got the power to make a man any thing he doesn't want to be - any more than you have the power to make a woman some thing she doesn't want to be.

You want to be a hobo fine be a hobo, you want to be a millionaire fine give it a shot but please do NOT go under some misguided guise of needing this to obtain the perfect woman and by all mean do not blame all women great and small for your disappointments in your selves - accept responsibility for what you want in your self - you will never get any where by blaming my gender.

Despite the male myth of mystery what most women want isn’t really that hard

Most women myself included want to share their lives with men they feel comfortable being around, women want a man they can talk to we want one who gives a damn . . . probably much the same sort of stuff you want for your self no great mystery going on there - you do realize females are still members of the HUMAN race.

Now for past exchanges about female expectations

At one time most women depended upon a man to support her and their children However what has been forgotten is that social scenario was as much of male doing as female doing - men wanted women to stay at home and keep house men believed women didn't belong in business - so lets get a grip on the entire enchilada if we are going to use that model.

Now in all honesty some 40+ women and perhaps women who are from a different culture than I am may still expect these things but most ”westernize” women my age and younger {40ish} can support themselves just fine - I am capable of supporting myself I do not need some man to support me.


Disclaimer here You are absolutely correct that very few women are going to be interested in draggin an unemployed guy who won't stop playing video games long enough to pick up his own crap or look for a job so yes you do have to bring some thing to the table.

Again this is NOT a one way street think about it Do you want to drag some unkept smelly wart hog who does nothing but eat chocolates and watch soap operas all day through your life?

Very few women who are actually mature enough to marry expect to marry a millionaire rock star who is hung like a mule - any more than you really have to marry a supermodel with nymphomaniac issues –

Want female companionship simple correction

Quit looking for a mate to marry look for a friend - if it develops into more then fine if not fine but at least you will have some freaking clue as to the many assortments of female temperaments and expectations instead of spending your lives swimming in your own inaccurate delusions . . .

I haven't a clue if this is going to sound harsh it isn't my intention{it has been edited several times to soften the tone} - my intention is to be direct enough to snap some reality into these warped perceptions of female perspectives.

I have been reading this stuff for two days now - I simply can not continue to let some of you people keep going on and on with out at least trying to open your eyes to the obvious answers that are right in front of you. . . this post is that attempt.

There is no great female conspiracy to keep males confused. The reality is we are as confused and baffled as you are. I will never know if you read or even acknowledge this post so what motive would I have to lie? Thank about it – consider this point of view that is all I ask – then do with it as you see fit.

never make a pretty woman your wife so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

pedal is obviously writting this from work. . . . .or he is doing one of those high risk ADD behavior things I read about.

Oh brother - After this stuff I am thinking of switching my sexual preferences - not that I had any real strict preferences to begin with but I do tend to partner up with men Some of you in this discussion have almost talked your selves into being "anti-woman" by exerting imaginary pressure that isn't even there . . .

why are you putting such pressure on your selves any way?

Do you really think the choice of a future life partner is really solely up to you.


If you remain single for the rest of your life does that mean your life is any less significant, meaningful or rewarding.

Despite perceived social expectations there really is No law saying you HAVE to marry - remain single if that makes you happy . . . a word of warning marrying will not make you any happier than you are living alone. Happiness doesn't come from without but from within. No one can make YOU happy only YOU can make YOU happy.


I read well I think women want it all, they want a stable man and they want this and that and the other - as a woman I don't think some of you have CLUE ONE - but the irony is you are bashing women because you are dissatisfied with your own issues - you want to be stable, financially secure, dependable, and all that good jive but you are not so you do not feel worthy of having a loving wife - there is nothing wrong with your feeling and desires what seems to be wrong in my female opinion is the reason you are telling your self you want them. What in the Sam Hill is wrong with wanting be to stable financially for You. Are you not worthy of all those things?


What is soo bad about deciding to become more dependable because that is who YOU want to be - ain't no woman on this planet got the power to make a man any thing he doesn't want to be - any more than you have the power to make a woman some thing she doesn't want to be.

You want to be a hobo fine be a hobo, you want to be a millionaire fine give it a shot but please do NOT go under some misguided guise of needing this to obtain the perfect woman and by all mean do not blame all women great and small for your disappointments in your selves - accept responsibility for what you want in your self - you will never get any where by blaming my gender.

Despite the male myth of mystery what most women want isn’t really that hard

Most women myself included want to share their lives with men they feel comfortable being around, women want a man they can talk to we want one who gives a damn . . . probably much the same sort of stuff you want for your self no great mystery going on there - you do realize females are still members of the HUMAN race.

Now for past exchanges about female expectations

At one time most women depended upon a man to support her and their children However what has been forgotten is that social scenario was as much of male doing as female doing - men wanted women to stay at home and keep house men believed women didn't belong in business - so lets get a grip on the entire enchilada if we are going to use that model.

Now in all honesty some 40+ women and perhaps women who are from a different culture than I am may still expect these things but most ”westernize” women my age and younger {40ish} can support themselves just fine - I am capable of supporting myself I do not need some man to support me.


Disclaimer here You are absolutely correct that very few women are going to be interested in draggin an unemployed guy who won't stop playing video games long enough to pick up his own crap or look for a job so yes you do have to bring some thing to the table.

Again this is NOT a one way street think about it Do you want to drag some unkept smelly wart hog who does nothing but eat chocolates and watch soap operas all day through your life?

Very few women who are actually mature enough to marry expect to marry a millionaire rock star who is hung like a mule - any more than you really have to marry a supermodel with nymphomaniac issues –

Want female companionship simple correction

Quit looking for a mate to marry look for a friend - if it develops into more then fine if not fine but at least you will have some freaking clue as to the many assortments of female temperaments and expectations instead of spending your lives swimming in your own inaccurate delusions . . .

I haven't a clue if this is going to sound harsh it isn't my intention{it has been edited several times to soften the tone} - my intention is to be direct enough to snap some reality into these warped perceptions of female perspectives.

I have been reading this stuff for two days now - I simply can not continue to let some of you people keep going on and on with out at least trying to open your eyes to the obvious answers that are right in front of you. . . this post is that attempt.

There is no great female conspiracy to keep males confused. The reality is we are as confused and baffled as you are. I will never know if you read or even acknowledge this post so what motive would I have to lie? Thank about it – consider this point of view that is all I ask – then do with it as you see fit.
thats what I was going to say..

thats what I was going to say..

you just did . . .. thanks

Not that I'm an expert in these matters but I would guess, the folks seeking companionship will most likely find it when they're not really looking. I think women seem to have the "spidy-sense" that starts tingling when they see a guy on the prowl. heh

Meadd, I have a feeling you have some issues with the thread? First of all, who is talking about being "anti-woman"? I'm frustrated and stating my frustraton... a key point here..I have relaationshp problems! I have stated this SEVERAL TIMES. sorry, if this rubbed you the wrong way. Becoming more dependable!? not sure I understand this statment. Wanting or having to marry someone???did I mention in my post about having to marry, or did someone else? your insinuating a lot of things in your message, which I don't really quite undestand. Who here has bashed women? Bascially, my original post and subsequent posts are about frustration. That's all! I don't hate women, and I'm not bashing them......Meadd... I have no job, hardly any money, and no friends...I come here to do a little venting(like most of us do)...okay? and I'm not blaming women either(it might seem like it, but really I am not). I have made some wrong choices, and this is frustrating for me. Just like other issues in my life that are troublesome. I don't feel like getting into debates about philosophies of; being happy in life, doing things for youself, being single and enjoying life without a partner, not being so critical of women, etc... I'm 38 years old, close to your age range, I have seen it all! BTW, did you read about me going to a relationship expert? I REALIZE I HAVE ISSUES! I feel like you overally critisizing me, and this is unfair.

PS--PedalPounder...I'm not sure your advice on marrying a "ugly" women is all that good or helpful. Were you joking, I'm assuming you were? by the looks of your picture you look to be mid/late 20s, correct? two marriages? I will leave it at that!

I'm actually somewhat proud of myself(had to do quite a bit of deleating though), because with my temper issues, in the past I would have probably got banned after responding to some of the other people's messages(more specially Meadd''s, and Peadal Pounder)... Wow, my anger managment class might be doing some good! I don't even feel "angry". YES

i guess what i understood from the original post is that you are having trouble deciding what you want?

that's probably a good place to start. make a list of things you want from yourself. then, make a list of things you want from a mate...do you even really want a stable long term partner right now? are you willing to make the sacrifices and compromises that a relationship like that takes?

you say you are picky...well, everyone is. BUT, we are all human. are you willing (and able) to accept another human being with all their good traits, and their weaknesses? at this point in your life, perhaps the ideal partner may not be a good match for you...while she may be everything you want, are you (right now) able to offer everything that she would want in a partner? we cannot expect from others what we are unable to offer in return.

there are beautiful women that are witty, intelligent, stable, loyal, fun, spontaneous, and interesting. it may sound a little vain, but i am one of them. and while i am picky, i am also willing and mentally able to accept a person as they are, warts and all. when i am 60 and no longer 'beautiful' in the physical sense, i want my partner to still love me, for me. this skin is just that...skin. a vessel that carries my heart and my brain. and i will do the same for my partner...the body may fail, but the person within goes on.

it sounds like you have a hard time combining beauty and brains (lust and love). i don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing...american culture does it's best to convince the general population that the two are seperate entities and cannot possibly co-exist within one person. and certainly men, being the visual creatures they are, gravitate towards beauty...sometimes even ignoring or actively not acknowledging the brains within.

you may be drawn to a certain type of beauty that feeds your pre-concieved notions of what a beautiful woman should be like. because mentally you may be unable to see the two combined, you seek out (perhaps subconsciously) women that fulfill the stereotypes you have in your head. self-sabatoge. you won't find what you say you are looking for, because mentally, you just can't conceive of it.

black and white thinking is definitely an ADHD trait.

I am 27 and the closest thing I have to a girlfriend is my 18 year old neighbor but to me it is a purely physical/sexual relationship, I find her annoying personally.LOL..geez you crack me up....I'd say that if I was a bloke :D

you just did . . .. thanks
I just read the rest of that post..simply put..it was brill...brill...:p absolutely :p

Supamook,

Thanks for sharing your insights into an issue that many single ADD men like me struggle with. I appreciate your thoughts on this.

Supamook, yeah, beautiful response! thanks for NOT attacking me like someone else did, I really appreciate that. You do sound like a very intelligent woman(now the good looking part I will have to judge for myself! :))

Currently, like I have stated before, I'm not looking to meet anyone. Again, just stating my frustrations "out loud". The certain kind of beauty I'm drawn to? well, that's easy. Tall, athletic, type women(do a search for Anna Rawson, she is a LPGA golfer, this will give you some idea). If you know of any that have a brain as well, shoot me a PM! :) Now, the question is, are you single, and if so, please send me a picture! :)

Wow, Cameron you do have high standards with beauty (Anna Rawson) :) I guess I'm more interested in personality & interests than a certain look. I'm usually attracted to quirky, intelligent women who have spent some time overseas. There was a time (about ten years ago) where I preferred dating brunettes over blondes. I soon realized that was pretty superficial on my part. I guess I'm also looking for a woman who is comfortable in her own skin and is not trying to make/mold me into her new 'project'. Looking at what I wrote, I do seem picky. LOL.

p.s. If she can accept me for who I am with my ADD, that is a huge plus.

Also one other thing Cameron, I tend to move too quickly in the early stages of a relationship (thanks in part to the gal). Like in my last relationship she wanted to spend all her time with me, on the phone and on the weekends. After a while it was becoming exhausting and I couldn't get things done at home (chores). I should have spoke up about how this was smothering me. She was hard to resist though, she was both beautiful and intelligent. Then when she found out about my ADD/depression, she suddenly pushed me away and said I was too immature and I wasn't ready for a 'real' relationship. How thoughtful of her to say this to me.

Meadd, I have a feeling you have some issues with the thread?

if I do then what??? Is it not my responsibility to deal with said issues?



First of all, who is talking about being "anti-woman"?

Re-read some of the responses above yours. . . . some of them are pretty anti-woman to me.


By the way this is how I directly address some thing some one has said. Notice my post #15 doesn't include any direct quotes

Wanting or having to marry someone???did I mention in my post about having to marry, or did someone else? your insinuating a lot of things in your message, which I don't really quite undestand.

after . . . .

I feel bad to, because a few of my girlfriends have been great people, I just couldn't see myself marrying them(which a few wanted).

okay if there is another way to interpret the above I am more than willing to be corrected -




I have relaationshp problems! I have stated this SEVERAL TIMES

I am not really sure what your relationship issues have to do with some thing I posted.


I presented my point of view in the discussion - what that has to do with you I haven't a clue really.

Like every other member here what I post is a reflection of who I am and what I am feeling about things being presented in this thread.




Bascially, my original post and subsequent posts are about frustration. That's all! I don't hate women, and I'm not bashing them......Meadd... I have no job, hardly any money, and no friends...I come here to do a little venting(like most of us do)...okay? and I'm not blaming women either(it might seem like it, but really I am not).

I am sorry you are at a low period in your life right now.

I did say you cameron hated women - Not every thing I wrote in my post had to do with you per say - what I am addressing is a general attitude some males have - what your personal attitude is about women I haven't a clue -from what I read here - you can't find a woman that you are physically and mentally attracted to - therefore you have been unable to have a relationship with one you could see your self spending the rest of your life with - that is about all I know about you as a person really.

I think you are putting to much pressure on your self because you feel at your age you should have already found a suitable mate and settled down - this is due to the social idea of what is "proper" at your age and stage in life. Some time perfectly good men find themselves single not necessarily out of being a bad person but some time life seems to make decisions for us.

What ever changes you do make in your life should be made to fit your personal life style which may or may not include a life long mate. Even if you never find a suitable woman doesn't make you life any less meaningful - you alone are worthy of any and all positive changes made - you should improve your life for you - not for some woman.

That is my response to your portion of this discussion I re-worded because I didn't see where saying it the same way I did the first time was going to increase understanding - repeating some thing some one else find offense in the same manner it as presented the first time usually just serves to re-anger same individual.



There were a few comments I saw as anti-woman but I looked back and I didn't see one made by you.




Meadd... I...I come here to do a little venting(like most of us do)...okay? .



Is this a suggestion that I have no rights to feel aggravated or frustrated about issues being discussed in this thread?

I would really be interested in understanding why you feel I do not have the same right to vent as "most of us do"

Am I not part of "us".






I have made some wrong choices, and this is frustrating for me.

Now THIS I can relate to - I have made bad choices myself. I have even married the wrong man for the wrong reason - which doesn't make my ex-husband a bad man he was just the wrong man. It sucked badly I wouldn't recommend it - well not for 12 years any way.






I'm 38 years old, close to your age range,

ummm kind of close - less than ten years.





I feel like you overally critisizing me, and this is unfair.


My personal feelings are just that my personal feelings - which have little if any thing to do with you or any one else.

It took more than one single member and one single post for me to post the above response - it took me hours of wording and editing to do so.

Actually I do not believe I singled out any one at all.


I did my best to communicate the fact that my post was addressing more than one single member and most of my address was aimed at attitudes and perspectives about women in general. I really have no clue who fits the bill and who does not. I did not narrow down my presentation to a single person only several ideas about women and relationships over all presented by multiple members over the two or three days previous to my posting.




I'm actually somewhat proud of myself(had to do quite a bit of deleating though), because with my temper issues, in the past I would have probably got banned after responding to some of the other people's messages(more specially Meadd''s, and Peadal Pounder)... Wow, my anger managment class might be doing some good! I don't even feel "angry". YES


This is good news - I am still not sure of why you would be angry - but I am glad you are able to over come a problem that has been causing you some problems.





PS--PedalPounder...I'm not sure your advice on marrying a "ugly" women is all that good or helpful. Were you joking, I'm assuming you were? by the looks of your picture you look to be mid/late 20s, correct? two marriages? I will leave it at that!


Strange I saw him as joking about the ugly woman statement - Traci_H joked back. . . . as did I. There is a movie where one older man tells a younger man to marry an ugly woman because marrying a pretty one will make you old before your time - I related his comment to the movie.

I saw him as trying to lighten the mood of this thread while saying basically the same thing you thanked Supamook for saying. He directed most of his post on his own experiences and did not venture into the possible reasons why you were having problems finding a woman you were both physically and mentally attracted to like Supramook did.

If I annoy you then fine I can deal with that but please do not feel you have to direct your anger at every other member of staff who happens to participate in the same thread.

Members of staff are individuals with our own seperate ideas, feeling and beliefs just like every one else here.

I said worse things then Tammy....but all we did was give the response we saw fit..
no biggie..

have a problem with deciding on what you want in a woman, especially for a long-term relationship or marriage? I've been thinking about this a bit recently. Here's how it goes for me.....

Usually, I either meet someone I'm really attractive to...but, they are usually: exteremley selfish, b#tchy, and very materialistic...on the other hand....I get along better with the average looking woman, they have good personalities, a few can carry on a conversation, we go out a while(girlfriend), but I'm just never really attracted to them phyicially! its frustrating stuff! its always been one thing or another. I can't find a balance-- at all! I feel bad to, because a few of my girlfriends have been great people, I just couldn't see myself marrying them(which a few wanted).. most of the time I didn't even want to see them naked, before sex! :rolleyes: Not good!

I have always been very nitpicky... the way they walk, butt being to flat, etc(yeah, I'm a little weird:))...as I have got older mid/late 30s, I feel like I'm a lot more relaxed on these nitpicky physical traits. Now, I'm trying to focus more on what a woman values is in important in life. More specifically, her spirtual(or lack of) beliefs, political leanings, nice/caring person, etc...but, I STILL need to find a woman who I'm attracted to. I know most good looking(or beautiful) woman don't have the personality or values that I'm looking for, and the ones that do have the values, are usually average to ugly woman. It seems like a no win situation! I realize not everyone is perfect(I'm FAR from it, and I defianlty have my issues, ADD and all!), but I just can't settle, when I have done this with ex-girlfirneds(especially my last one), they can sense it. Brakna, you seem to have some similar woman/dating frustrations like I do, comments? Anyone?

Maybe I should have put this in the men's section of the forum:confused: but, I figured women could chime in as well.

I haven't read every single post in this thread, but here's my two cents worth and I'll try and keep it brief. I am 35 and married (didn't get married until I was 31) and before my wife I had only dated one other person (for about 2 1/2 years). Before that I spent my time hooking up. Throughout all of that I dated/hooked-up with/went out with the full spectrum. Model quality hot (NFL cheerleader), biker chick, and everything in between. During all of that I spent a lot of time learning exactly what I did NOT want in a woman (which was very helpful once I realized it). A few of my friends are married and we all talk about this on occasion. The fact is none of us married what would be considered model quality women. But if you ask any one of us who the most sexy person on the planet is, we would say our wives. Because to us they truly are. When you actually do meet someone who pushes your buttons in all the right ways, regardless of what she looks like to everyone else, to you she will be a perfect 10. Now I'm not trying to get all Pollyana on you or anything, but that's how it has been with me and my buds who have found "the one." Take that for what it's worth with a grain of salt and so on.

Well said, Meadd.

I've been divorced and while I was married (after the first six months) I felt trapped, backed into a corner, etc. I have quirks (as do most of us in this forum) that makes me hard to deal with or live with which makes relationships much harder.

That being said, dating folks, in my opinion is a tricky situation. I almost immediately get the feeling (good looking or not) that the woman is trying to change me. I'm thinking, "Self, she knew who I was when she started dating me so she should leave me the hell alone!" But, in looking back I don't think they really knew who I was or how quirky I really am even after 6 months or so.

I'm very picky with looks (sorry ladies - either the attraction is there or it isn't and it all starts with physical attraction), but 'putting up' with someone is a different story.

Long story short, I hear what you guys are saying, but I can tell you that my deal is I get bored with one person and it makes no difference whatsoever what they look like. I do not like one person enough to spend all of my time and energy on them; therefore, I don't see myself staying with anyone over a year or so. I don't like this as it kind of kills the 'american dream' of a house, 2.5 kids, and a good marriage - but I've come to face the fact that I don't think it will ever happen. As soon as I realized that I was much, much happier.

If the 'american dream' does happen then all the better, but I'm not expecting it, nor am I going to generally lump intellect in with looks (thats rediculous).

On a final note, it sounds to me like (and this is a shot in the dark at undertones) you guys like girls (in the mental fashion you speak of) with low self esteems which is even worse for a person with ADD because they will expect you to be THEIR hobby and/or they take your lack of attention personally. That is very hard to deal with and give them what they need (emotionally) - sometimes impossible.

Just my two pennies . . . Could be wrong - probably am!

-Jibber

Women! *&&$)# (decides not to quote Nietszche) Hahahaha... (robust evil demon laugh) this thread is kind of funny...

The way I see it, there is just no such thing as a soul mate, never has been, never will be, that idea is just another lie, so just pick one person and try to work it out, that way you save time and aggravation shopping around (not to mention issues of personal hygeine). When it comes down to it, after a few years, everyone changes and becomes an ******e, so you might as well just try to get along and be good roomies. Look at old married people. So many hate each other's bleeping guts, but they still stay together. That's what I'd call strength of character! However, I don't want to advocate marriage either, it's just a financial scam. I had to endure one just to learn that, so hard headed was I. The best advice is, stop obsessing and GET A HOBBY PEOPLE!@!!

oops, technically I shouldn't have answered because I'm not really single!! hahahahaha...

As much as I hate to say it, I feel just about the same way. Point being, people will change and strength of character as well as patience (a department in which I am severely lacking) is about the only thing that will endure. Marriage is a freakin' crock. I hate that I see it that way, but I do . . . I could never see myself finding 'that one person' that there won't come a day where I add up all of the little things that drive me freakin' batty about them.

As a matter of fact, I think dyinginside said the same thing I did only he didn't write a freakin' novel about it!

The answer seems obvious. Poke out your eyes, they only seem to be getting in the way. And guide dogs need work.

I apologize if some people were offended by my commentary, it may have been a bit insensitive. I know it doesn't look that way to some, but I didn't post it with the intention of insulting anyone. I was actually expressing some frustration over the whole relationship struggle. Sometimes when I think I'm being expressive, it really comes off as just obnoxious.

As much as I hate to say it, I feel just about the same way. Point being, people will change and strength of character as well as patience (a department in which I am severely lacking) is about the only thing that will endure. Marriage is a freakin' crock. I hate that I see it that way, but I do . . . I could never see myself finding 'that one person' that there won't come a day where I add up all of the little things that drive me freakin' batty about them.

As a matter of fact, I think dyinginside said the same thing I did only he didn't write a freakin' novel about it!

Here's a little secret. Now I could be wrong here but I don't think there is a married couple on the face of the planet that isn't driven freakin' batty by one or more of their partners idiosyncrasies. It happens. No one person is perfect, and no two people can possibly be perfect together. Marriage is hard work and anyone who tells you differently is selling something. But if you find the right person, then all of that hard work is worth it.

During all of that I spent a lot of time learning exactly what I did NOT want in a woman (which was very helpful once I realized it).

This is the perfect sentence. This is what dating is about when you are young, because really, at least IMO marriage at 21 probably isn't the best idea. Heck marriage at 25 or 30 might not be a good idea for some. I have found that MOST men put unreasonable expectations on women. NOT ALL MEN. On the same hand women can put superhuman ridicuolous expecations on men. Choose your battles so to speak. I wish I'd spent my earlier 20's doing more casual dating instead of being in relationships. I'm pretty sure if I had I'd be more prepared to deal with the "real" ones later on.

I hope this is on topic.

OH and my personal experience with dating ADHD guys... not good. They get too bored with "relationships" and when the first glimpse of things not being sunshiney they bail because they are looking for that new relationship/hookup high that will satisfy the boredom..... at least for a while.

OH and my personal experience with dating ADHD guys... not good. They get too bored with "relationships" and when the first glimpse of things not being sunshiney they bail because they are looking for that new relationship/hookup high that will satisfy the boredom..... at least for a while.[/quote]


So there is no hope then in your opinion for ADD men?? I'm in my mid-thirties and I've found dating relationships to be the one of the most difficult aspects in having ADD. I've found that because of 'boredom', I've left past relationships that were not rosy all the time. I had never attributed it to ADD until a couple years ago when I suspected I might have this (after reading the book, "Driven to Distraction".)

So there is no hope then in your opinion for ADD men?? I'm in my mid-thirties and I've found dating relationships to be the one of the most difficult aspects in having ADD. I've found that because of 'boredom', I've left past relationships that were not rosy all the time. I had never attributed it to ADD until a couple years ago when I suspected I might have this (after reading the book, "Driven to Distraction".)


There is hope. Me, being a female with ADD understand why it happens, but it doesn't make it any easier when relationships are already hard. I'm only saying that in my experience it hasn't been good so I have a jaded view. Anything is possible if you WANT it to be and you WORK at it. Sometimes ADD gets the best of us and we just walk away because we are bored, why bother to work on it. I could be way off on this one. Anyone?

Dory, I agree with your assessment. Your insight cuts me like a knife though (your description fits me well). I'm just frustrated on how to deal with this in my life. I've read in several articles that ADDers have to work twice as hard as non-ADDers in their relationships. Climbing Mount Everest seems easier to me than working really hard at a relationship especially with my inattentive ADD.

Coming from someone who's been married twice, I can say "Just go for it, you can't go wrong!"

oh yeah, don't listen to me.


A word of advice... sometimes it's better to think with your head. The greatest mate you'll find may be the one that doesn't immediately mesmerize you. Those that immediately mesmerize you can be trouble. Date a bunch of people, and go for the one you like the least. If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

Sheesh buddy. Married twice or not, I reckon that's effing horrible advice!

Sure, I can accept that the person I spend the rest of my life with may not be somebody I am absolutely mesmerized by (but at 19 I'm still young enough to hope that it is), but actively telling somebody to seek out somebody you're not attracted to? Not cool, dude.

Sheesh buddy. Married twice or not, I reckon that's effing horrible advice!

Sure, I can accept that the person I spend the rest of my life with may not be somebody I am absolutely mesmerized by (but at 19 I'm still young enough to hope that it is), but actively telling somebody to seek out somebody you're not attracted to? Not cool, dude.

Dont be so concerned with what's on the outside, and rather what is on the inside. It always amazes me when people are so concerned with physical appearance that if someone doesn't immediately meet their expectation of physical beauty or attractiveness they are immediatly disregarded as a potential date. I speak from experience in saying that I've met beautiful people who only get uglier the more you get to know whats inside.

Marry a good cook and she'll take you to heaven every day of the week.

kilt

Fuse, I agree with what you said about PeadalPounder's statement.... Wacky and not well thought out! makes me REALLY greatfull that I have never been married! PedalPounder, not to sound "insensitive", but you have had 2 marriages and your only 27!? can I ask--what you were thinking? your not an actor, are you!? kidding man...its all good!

Brakna,

I'm a bit older than you, and the last year or two, I have come to enjoy my life so much more(I used to be depressed, constantly worried about not being married, having no kids, etc) without a woman in it. . I have hobbies that I like to do(sport stuff, which most woman don't care for), and I'm not good at compromises. I'm just tired thinking about woman. To many bad dates, and bad experiences for me, Its worn me down(I have lived with 2 women and have had 3 other "serious" girlfriends, and plenty of flings! at this point, I prefer flings :)). I already have a hard enough time keeping jobs, I can't possibly function worrying about woman as well. I have FINALLY come to realize this in the last year or two.

I was diagnosed in the the early 80s(third grade) with Learning Disabilities. Then finding out about ADD in the mid 90s...its been a FAST, INTERESTING ride. For you youngster's on this message board(I mean people in their teens and 20s), don't let life "fly" by. Its flown by me, and other than having a great family, and my health, I don't have many accomplishments-- especially socially and career stability. I have made TONS of mistakes. I haven't taken accountablity for many things and this is something that eats at me. My advice is to have GOALS and go for them. I'm not giving up, but I'm no longer a "young" person anymore. A difficult reality to face sometimes :(

Hopefully, I communicated this fairly effectively. My LD sometimes gets in the way with my written and verbal communication.

I apologize if some people were offended by my commentary, it may have been a bit insensitive. I know it doesn't look that way to some, but I didn't post it with the intention of insulting anyone. I was actually expressing some frustration over the whole relationship struggle. Sometimes when I think I'm being expressive, it really comes off as just obnoxious.

You know what, quite often I have the same problem. thank you for the aplologie, takes a big person to do that and for that you have my respect.

OH and my personal experience with dating ADHD guys... not good. They get too bored with "relationships" and when the first glimpse of things not being sunshiney they bail because they are looking for that new relationship/hookup high that will satisfy the boredom..... at least for a while.

Wow, I'm exactly the opposite of what you described.

Well I´m gay but yes its a nightmare to find someone. 23 years old and never been in a relationship.

Wow, I'm exactly the opposite of what you described.


I know everyone is different. I think a lot of it also depends on their maturity level.

I know everyone is different. I think a lot of it also depends on their maturity level.

I don't think it has very much to do with maturity. Some of us just can't take intimate relationships as lightly as others. It seems to me from casual observation that the pattern you described is closer to the norm (OK this could be college-town bias) but it is not in my opinion an ADD thing. If it were, then nearly all men have ADD. I also know that there are plenty of men in their 40's, 50's, even 60's and later who remain unfaithful to their partners and still seek stimulation from other women on the side (because they are married they can't just up and take off, so they cheat). I'm still not sure if loyalty (or the converse) is cultural or innate (biologically determined- like the prairie voles).

Don't know if this helps anyone, but when I was first diagnosed with ADD (later in life) one of the questions the docs asked was about relationship stability. Apparently, most people with ADD just don't make it in long term relationships. I asked them about that, and they said that basically, a long term relationship with someone who has ADD is really difficult.

Having just entered a relationship at that time, I took that to heart and really started to ponder it. Here's what I *think* happens to me, and maybe some others, hope it helps.

Before I was diagnosed with ADD, I used to catch flack from my friends about dating girls that were "naggy." It was always good natured joking, because when it came down to it, all my friends knew that I was in dire need of someone to keep track of things for me. Eventually, I realized it too, and told people that asked that my ideal mate would be someone who was naggy enough to get me motivated, but laid back enough to deal with the fact that she needed to do so.

I got lucky, because I started looking for those traits in girls, probably why the relationship that I started a few months before my diagnosis is still going strong. Before I started that, things were nightmarish.

I dated constantly, from sixteen to twenty-one I wasn't single for longer then a month, most of those only lasting a few months. Once I exited highschool and "real life" started to show up, that's when the real trouble started.

Truth is, I would get annoyed with girlfriends, and they would get annoyed with me. Soon after the "crap or get off the pot" stage, things would often break down. Girls would start expecting me to be a normal, responsible guy. I wanted (desperately) to be a normal, responsible guy. Unfortunately, I just wasn't. I could be Prince Charming, and the answer to your prayers, for a few months. That's all I could promise. Eventually my old ways would return (or be noticed), and they'd get frustrated at my laziness, poor performance in classes, all the classic symptoms.

I can't blame them. Here are these poor girls, all trying to figure out if the great guy they just met is husband material. They had decided that in the first three months or so that I hadn't done anything to make them think I wasn't. If they were to name any objections they had at that point, they probably would have all had identical lists.

Laziness. Irresponsibility. Slacks off in school work. Would rather read for hours or play video games for hours then study. Can't get him to study. Can't get him to do homework. Pick any ADD symptom that affects school work.

That's a problem. If a guy won't do the work for college classes, he probably won't do the work for, well, work.

Now, in my experience, females can be very tolerant of certain behaviors in a man that they think might be husband-material, and here's why: They believe, honestly, that they can fix those behaviors.

And a lot of times, they can. Fact of life. No use arguing it. They've found the man they want, he just needs to have a little work done on him. It's like finding a great car, at an unbelievable price, and you just need to do some minor repairs. A home in a nice neighborhood that just needs a little work. A sweet computer, just have to go out and buy a hard drive for it.

That's how women see us. I'm convinced. As emotional as they are about somethings, men included, they can really get stone-cold logical on your butt real quick. We do the same things with objects, so it's not that bizarre. It's not even a bad thing. They love the car we represent, but we just need a paint job. They fall for the car, just want leather seats instead of cloth. No problem, they can fix that. Still the same make and model, just now with the extras she needs.

Now, what happens when you get a car that you think is gonna be a piece of cake to fix up, but no matter what you do, the same problem keeps coming up. I'm talking NO MATTER WHAT you do. Same exact problem.

You'd get reallly, really frustrated. You want that car to work, because it's a great car, or could be a great car, if it just ran reliably.

So, switching back to real life, girls would get frustrated. My ADD symptoms (though I didn't know they were at the time) didn't go away. They'd get annoyed. They'd get mad. I'd get annoyed back, I'd get mad back. Finally, one of us would get gone.

Strangely enough, excluding the part about getting gone, that's exactly what my parents and I did to each other for YEARS. We'd argue, annoy each other, and they'd nag me to death just to get the smallest piece of homework turned in. They cared about me, and wanted me to do well. We didn't know what ADD was, or thought it was made up, and didn't know what to do with me. I can remember, very clearly, a night in freshman year of highschool when my mom was sitting at the table, emotionally drained from another round of battle with me over schoolwork. She said something that future girlfriends would have found rather familiar, "I just don't know how to help you sometimes, and what to do with you. You know you need to do these things but you won't, saying that you know just isn't going to be good enough for you. You'll never get anywhere like this."

Yeah, girls I've dated would have definitely empathized with that. They probably all said it (well, all the serious ones) in one form or another shortly before we ended things.

Because I didn't want to be someone who constantly nagged me (ie: constantly pointed out the things that I KNEW I should be doing), and they didn't want to have to nag constantly to no purpose. Just like my parents, except my parents couldn't just dump me.

And that's the bit that I think is so important, since I've read quite a few "anti-women" posts on here.

People only have been upset at my ADD when they really cared for how my life was going, and how it was going to affect theirs. Your buddies won't care if you ditch out on schoolwork to have some fun, they just know you're always up for a good time. Someone else at work won't care that you don't perform well, they'll just get rid of you, never promote you, or realize that you're not competition for them. They'll care if their performance begins to be determined by yours, being on the same project/team, but that's not the same thing.

When women start to care about us, they want to see us do the best that we can do. The better we do, they better they do, the better the both of us together do. Most people really don't want to have to carry another person in a relationship. Even as maternal as women are, they're still looking for a man to have some kids with, not a man that IS a kid.

So, in summation, my girlfriends cared about me, tried to help me, and couldn't. They'd get annoyed and nag, that still didn't work, and one of us would end things to end the frustration.

That whole process brings up another reason why I think ADD relationships are tough.

In the same visit that I was asked about relationship stability, I've heard from the docs that people with ADD often have very low self-esteem. I definitely do, even though I know that there is no reason for it. I know, or think I know, why though.

When dealing with teachers, the standard line I always got from them started with "You have so much potential, but..." Basically, to my young ears, it came out meaning that if I wasn't so lazy I could do a lot better. So you try to get better, try real hard, and still nothing happens. You just keep thinking that you're super lazy, you keep being told that you're going to hell for being lazy, and eventually you just decide that you're broken. You don't work right. I know that's what I did. I used to fantasize that there was a disease, or mental disorder, for my laziness, and that doctors could fix it. I'm serious, I daydreamed about it. Funny, eh? It got to be so bad that I fantasized that I was broken, because that implied hope of recovery, rather then me just being inherently worthless.

It turned out I was sort of right. I hate to use the word "broken" because that's not how I feel ADD should be viewed, but "not behaving in accordance with normal specifications" didn't really occur to me at that age.

Eventually teachers always seemed to learn that I was a little different then the other kids, and the more my parents learned the more they were able to help the teachers, but it was an uphill battle. Every year you met a new teacher who you had to reconvince that you weren't some problem-child waste of talent.

That problem was compounded by my parents feeling the same way as the teachers did. They believed in my ability, just thought I didn't have drive. They tried everything to give me motivation, but nothing seemed to work. The only two things that ever had a periodic effect was a bribe or constant discipline.

A new videogame would, sometimes, get me to do well in school for a little while. If I had to do all my homework for a week, that would be a struggle but I might manage. If I had to do it all for a semester, impossible. You could have promised me every video game ever made and I wouldn't have been able to do it.

By constant discipline I really mean constant oversight. Ever heard (or experienced) how people in psych wards are monitored regularly to ensure that they aren't harming themselves? My parents did that sometimes (if they had the emotional energy), but checking to make sure I was doing homework. Every five to ten minutes. From after dinner at 6:00 o'clock until whatever time I fell asleep. Literally. They would give up when I'd fall asleep over a math workbook.

Turns out, girls did the same things. They bribed me, and that would work for a little while. They didn't conciously bribe me, of course, but I knew that if I was able to maintain a semblancy of normalcy for long enough I would be able to date them. Eventually, I just couldn't keep that up anymore. It isn't that I stopped liking the girl, not at all, I just couldn't hide my ADD anymore.

Constant oversight worked for a little bit for girls, more so if they got angry if something didn't happen that should have happened. Like filling out all the stuff needed to determine eligibility for financial aid. Eventually though, they would get tired of having to worry about whether or not I was doing what I was supposed to.

And I would get tired of them asking. I didn't want them to have to do the things they did. I didn't want to be lazy, irresponsible, and failing out of college. Who would? But I still did it, and I didn't understand why. I was so frustrated with it that I couldn't handle anyone else pointing out things I already knew. I couldn't deal with their confusion and demands for answers when I was trying to find my own answers. I was convinced that I was worthless, I didn't want them reminding me. Recipe for disaster. When you have low self-esteem, you don't want to be around people that make you feel lower.

Luckily, someone finally diagnosed me with ADD. I went in, had the evaluation, and they told me what was up. I heard all the symptoms, and thought "Wow, that's my personality. In a book. Of mental disorders."

That changed everything. Whether or not I like to think of ADD as a "disorder" or not, it is DEFINITELY outside the normal way of thinking and behaving. It DEFINITELY is frustrating for people that don't have it and don't understand it. And that's the key thing I finally understood.

Other people don't understand. They really don't. They want to, but they don't get it. They have to see it, learn it, and hear it. You've got to teach them. And guess what? Once they finally do get it, you're still the one that's frustrating. That doesn't change.

So I had to change the way I react to people. Frustration was no longer met with frustration, but with explanation and ways to help prevent future frustration. Nagging was no longer annoying, but understandable. I can't be surprised if someone expects me to act like I have ADD if I have ADD, that would be stupid.

Now, I'm currently taking Vyvanse 50mg. Works beautifully when I need it to, with none of the diminishing effectiveness some people report. It works great when I need it to, for twelve hours. The other half of the day, ADD is still there in full force. I still need a girl who can handle that. Just as importantly, I still need to understand how it impacts other people, instead of expecting them to understand me.

Phew, that was long winded.

Maybe that helps, but rereading it, I think it was just more of me figuring out what finally worked for me, and why.

Other people don't understand. They really don't. They want to, but they don't get it. They have to see it, learn it, and hear it. You've got to teach them. And guess what? Once they finally do get it, you're still the one that's frustrating. That doesn't change.

(colors mine)
That is right on.


So I had to change the way I react to people. Frustration was no longer met with frustration, but with explanation and ways to help prevent future frustration. Nagging was no longer annoying, but understandable. I can't be surprised if someone expects me to act like I have ADD if I have ADD, that would be stupid.


Trouble is, folks aren't going to go through life making accomodations for us. The expect us to change, even when we are clearly unable. I guess time will tell whether I can work things out or whether I'll become a hermit.

I didn't check to see if this has been posted before on this thread but:

Read Chapter 40 of Hallowell & Ratey's book "Delivered from Distraction." The title of Chapter 40 is "What Kind of Mate Is Best If You Have ADD?"

Chpater 41 is for the non-ADD mate.

God, i've just given up. I don't think its possible for me to love anyone, and even if i did, why would they ever love me? I'm a mess. I'm going to end up like one of those crazy old ladies that collect stray cats and scream at people for no reason.

God, i've just given up. I don't think its possible for me to love anyone, and even if i did, why would they ever love me? I'm a mess. I'm going to end up like one of those crazy old ladies that collect stray cats and scream at people for no reason.

You're preaching to the choir on this issue.

Trouble is, folks aren't going to go through life making accomodations for us. The expect us to change, even when we are clearly unable. I guess time will tell whether I can work things out or whether I'll become a hermit.

Of course no one is going to make accomodations, why should they? ADD doesn't jump out at people and scream "CRAZINESS!" at people. We're far to subtle in the way we're different from others, and people are far too ignorant of how that works.

I just mentioned that people simply do not understand ADD, and you agreed with that. By agreeing that they do not understand it, you have to also agree that they don't understand that you can't change.

That is part of the frustration with people. You need to take it upon yourself to educate others who are going to be relying on you. "This is how this affects me, these are things I do. It's not going to change. This, right now, is the best that this particular issue is going to be, and will eventually get worse."

Yes, you will find ways that the two of you can deal with things, but no, it will never go away. That single fact must be made explicitly clear to someone from the very beginning, and perhaps repeatedly throughout. I often hear kilted scotsman use the phrase "rose-tinted glasses" and it is especially applicable here.

If you believe that people don't understand ADD, then also believe that they don't understand both the SYMPTOMS and the PERMANENCY. Telling a girl at the beginning of a relationship, while Kilted's glasses are on, might have little effect. Telling her later, when you're down to the nuts and bolts, might sink in a bit more and she'll really need to decide if she can handle you.

In my experience, people assume that once you know your symptoms, you can just choose not to experience them. That'd be nice sometimes, but obviously not how it works. If you let your partner enter into the relationship without making sure they know what they're getting into, it's the same as hiding anything else from them that they would need to know about you. Would you not tell someone about a terminal illness? AIDS? Diabetes? Debts? That you're a vegetarian?

If someone is signing up for a relationship with you, they're signing up for all of you, and it's up to you to make sure they know what all of you entails. Otherwise, it's going to end badly. The more serious a relationship gets, how long do you think you could hide the fact that you don't eat meat from someone? Especially if they pride themselves on cooking steak dinners.

Everyone with ADD needs to practice educating people that they are in regular, close contact with on personal level about ADD. You're just going to frustrate people otherwise. They just won't know what to do with you. If you explain to them that it's a permanent thing, and this is how you are, it might relieve them of the illusion that you're going to "get better."

You shouldn't say it to everyone, and by no means blame EVERY flaw you have on ADD, but make sure people understand the whole picture. Even if you aren't dating them.

Which brings me to...


God, i've just given up. I don't think its possible for me to love anyone, and even if i did, why would they ever love me? I'm a mess. I'm going to end up like one of those crazy old ladies that collect stray cats and scream at people for no reason.

I think that everyone feels like that at some point in their life, but its more sincere and long-lasting amongst people with ADD. Many times we're emotionally withdrawn, and in our formative years we were constantly made aware of the fact that we weren't going to hack it out in the real world with our behavior. That'll do some damage to a kid, especially when they can't do anything to fix the problem.

I used to believe that no one would ever be able to fall in love with me either, or stay in love with me once they REALLY got to know me. Despite much evidence to the contrary, that thought still pops up from time to time.

Two thoughts on that.

First one. When I was single, and convinced I would always remain so, I would periodically picture a teacher I had that really honestly believed in me, saw good in me, and didn't just come down on me for the way I was. That helped, strangely enough. If a teacher, someone who's just doing their job, was able to see into me enough to see what needed to be done, and was patient enough, then I was darn sure someone else out there would be. It just takes someone special.

But then again, you shouldn't be falling in love with anyone BUT someone special.

Secondly, being single your whole life IS NOT A BAD THING. I know that seems to be just a standard line, said by people who aren't single to people who always will be. Like Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar: "That's just what ugly people say."

But it really is true, being single is not a bad thing. I know many different people. Some happy, some miserable. In my experience, marriage has little to do with it.

Thought it seems to be socially necessary, and you're defective if you don't engage in it, marriage is really just one of those many lifestyle choices people face.

You need to determine honestly if that's what you want, or if you just want it because you think that's what you're supposed to want. It's very difficult to tell the difference. Try to think of married vs. single like you would any other choice. Coke vs. Pepsi, Country vs. Rock and Roll, truck vs. sports car. You decide, it's your life. Not everyone wants to drive a truck.

I don't think its a good idea to tell about your ADD or mental disorders when your relationship just began, because its so easy to judge and not invest when you just met someone. But waiting too long is also bad, I think the best time is after 1-6 months of dating.

Personally I would get angry if I had invested in a serious relationship and they tell me about a disorder after couple of years, but I would completely understand if they waited until its getting serious. You shouldn't keep your disorders a secret or be ashamed, but you shouldn't walk around with it stamped on your forehead either.

I look at it the same way as telling people about my sexuality. I don't say "Hi I'm Geiri and I´m gay" but I wouldn't deny it or try to keep it a secret.

Hey everyone,

I've seen a few girls post on here so hope you don't mind if I share my opinion.

I seem to have a 1-2 month stage, you know where you have that nice, fun rush of being with someone? Sometimes it goes up to about 5 months but that's the longest I've been in a relationship.

I guess I just feel that when I'm with someone I'm worth more than what a lot of the guys in my home town can offer. There seems to be a never ending supply of young girls keen to hook up casually. I worry about jumping in too early sexually, cos I can almost hyperfocus on sex (I love it, see it's not just guys!) and once I get started I just want it all the time! Probably scares them off!

I guess I've become all about the intellectual intercouse because if a guy can't engage me with his mind, what's left when the physical wears away?

I'm sure he's out there and I'm just trying to be patient. But it's hard when you're living in accomodation full of uni students and they're 'bonking like bunnies' haha. Oh well. Time will tell.

I generally will tell a guy a few weeks in, but just on a basic level. From then in it's on a need to know basis. Living together, of course would be a different kettle of fish. I need someone easy going. I guess too the fear is getting too used to working as a team, and then splitting up and having to do it all myself again.

As life has gone on though, I have found it is better to experience it and learn from it- good or bad- than not try at all and be left wondering.

Hope this makes sense guys!

lad I am sixty and I am afraid you have just given a description of 97% of the female species, learn to live with it or use professional relief its cheaper in the long run, by the way if you know a nice add lady that doesnt mind me going off for a year or so at a time on adventures do let me know

I don't think its a good idea to tell about your ADD or mental disorders when your relationship just began, because its so easy to judge and not invest when you just met someone. But waiting too long is also bad, I think the best time is after 1-6 months of dating.

I look at it the same way as telling people about my sexuality. I don't say "Hi I'm Geiri and I´m gay" but I wouldn't deny it or try to keep it a secret.

Funny, I told my current partner (of 8 years) about my bipolar on our first date... I just figured, let's get that out of the way straightaway, so if it's a sticking point we won't waste any time... I think she was more upset about me being a Republican... (W has since cured me of that problem) of course I was in the middle of a divorce and I didn't exactly have a stop valve installed on the old brain... unfortunately I didn't know about ADD until a few years after that... and ADD has become a much more serious issue than bipolar for me...

I think she was more upset about me being a Republican...

Il think that it is funny that more of our arguments in my marrage have been aout my wife being republican and me demacrat than any of my add issues ever have

Good grief, another hot button question for me.

I am married, with a very sweet wife, who is attractive but not a fashion model. We got together well before I was diagnosed, in fact, it was moving to our first condo and quitting triathon that brought it out.

I think it is my ADD fantasies and the depression I have that bring it out, but I am always looking around at other women and fantasizing. We are in couples counseling right now trying to deal with it all.

I think it is possible to marry almost anyone and work out a decent relationship. Its just that both partners have to be flexable. Bodies change, the relationship has to change, the needs and interests change.

As ADD people, we need to figure out what normal people want, and deal with all the side effects of having undiagnosed ADD which can be a big job. Its great to have a supportive partner, and a pain to have an unsupportive or hurt partner.

It seems to me what my rasta buddy used to say to me "Its all good" is what ADD people are really good at. We enjoy so many things, so many people in different ways it makes partnering very easy, all we have to do is find some one with some compassion for what we need to learn, and have some compassion for them and their struggle.

I know it was really easy for me to over process on choosing a partner, and think it might be the same for you. Secondly our lousy marriage skills and friendship skills are exacerbated in marriage. It is a mess, but it does get better, and is worthwhile.

Rob

which reads to a female that you are NOT really relaxed about it..or you wouldn't mention it..

It's like me saying..when I was young, I used to only date men who were "well endowed" and could "go" all night long..but now..I'm really trying to focus on their personality..and if they are nice or not....

yeah..sure :-)

:D Well where do I sign up? I meet the qualifications... I think 21 years worth of repression will keep me on "go" for many sleepless nights! :)

when I was this age, I was going to bars and living life up...ENJOY the young years--they go by quick! it doesn't seem like long ago, I was 21 and in college and having lots of sex!

Not everyone wants to **** about in bars and shag women all day -_- I have more fun sitting in my room by myself than going to bars.

you sound like my roommate! :)

I agree, i married my 5th grade teacher and for 10years she tried to change me ,on the last year i found out that i had add but it was too late. we had three kids. i married some one that i could berily stand being with. she was manipulative, and bossy. I ended up giving her everything she ever wanted but that was not enough in the end,. ,my advise is marry your friend. Some one you can have long conversations with, enjoy being with and doing things with. dont base everything on looks,and age. sex is not everything. it is just a small thing. in the end she had sucked my creativity down so low that i am still trying to bring it back.

There are certain girls who are very careful when choosing a male partner. They don't enter into a relationship unless they feel it will be beneficial and last a long time.

I think they are best.

Actually there have been studies showing that married people are happier and healthier. Marrieds have less incidence of depression. I don't take such a negative attitude on marriage. If you are in a good solid marriage why wouldn't you be a happier person?

Reading through most of this thread I thought of some advice my Mom once gave me she said to be the kind of person you want to attract. it doesnt mean to become some egotistical jerk. But find the qualities you like and try to be like that.
say for instance IF you want someone generous or giving why would she want to be with someone who is selfish?
This may or may not help so just take it for what it's worth.

Cameron, I like the way you say "I'm in my middle to late thirties." In real life that means ALMOST 40!! Think about that one. Hell, I'm 51 and am not telling people I am in my very late 40's. I think your reality has to catch up with your physical age. And no I so not think ADD has anything to do with it, period. Unless you are very desperate for another excuse, for being dateless. I am sure ALL the girls were both greatful and thankful that you are less nit-picky than you used to be. Goeed luck to ya. Maurice