Hello All,

I haven't been around much to post (just signed up last month). I had a question.

With ADD, can you sometimes have incredibly indecisive feelings and get bored with relationships even if you know you love the person and actually even cherish your time with that person? I find that I have that problem. I go through cycles where I think the woman I'm with is just wrong for me and I'm bored and blah blah blah, but when I think logically about it, I've found a darn good woman and I'm usually really happy and we seem like a good match.

I'd like to know what other problems folks have had with ADD in relationships, especially along the lines of what I mentioned above. Maybe I'm just a relationship idiot and don't appreciate what I have, but I just hate how indecisive I always am and how mundane I feel when the relationship settles into the comfortable part of the relationship. I'd like to enjoy that part instead of getting bored out of my mind. I have moments of that comfort, but they disappear. It's extremely annoying and it doesn't seem to be because we're a bad match, because we are a good match.

I'm still working on going into get tested for ADD, but there are lots of other symptoms, so I'm beginning to think I may have this problem. It isn't ALWAYS there, but sometimes I have really strong symptoms. Online screening tests show a strong probability of me having Inattentive ADD. It would make sense and be a relief if it's possible that ADD could contribute to my fairly poor attention span in relationships as well. I do feel like I'm always needing stimulation in most anything I do in order to do it.

Thanks for any information in advance! I really appreciate it, you have no idea!
Thanks,
Rob

Welcome Rob... I have had feelings very similar to yours.

The problem, as I see it, is that the ADD brain thrives on thrills and new discoveries. And in the first stages of a new relationship, you experience a severe "high" based on these feelings. As the relationship progresses, you feel less thrill, and less discovery, as the person moves from new-and-exciting to been-there-done-them.

This is incredibly frustrating when you DO still love the person and realize that they are a great match for you, but you aren't feeling that high that you are craving! Ending the relationship and starting a new one will solve the problem... for a while. Then the same problem will come back, except you will feel twice as bad the second time you go through it.

As for a solution to this... I have a couple of notions.

Firstly, if you can find a woman who enjoys many of the same thrills you do in life. You into extreme skateboarding? Ten hour marathon video game sessions? Olympic Thumb Wrestling? Whatever your passion is, if you can find a partner who shares it, that will go a long way to preserving your ability to feel "thrilled" with her.

The second notion is a little more subtle, powerful, and difficult at the same time. I have read theories that say healthy relationships go through different stages of loving... that the initial "infatuation" thrill is SUPPOSED to wear off, and if the person is right for you, will be replaced by an evolving, more mature (but less thrilling) different kind of love. If you want to be successful at that kind of relationship, you either have to accept that you will never feel the thrill again, or you have to find non-relationship ways to get the same thrill...

Dunno if this is accurate for you or not, just how I see it... hopefully something in there can give you perspective or help...

As Red Green says, remember, I'm pullin for ya--we're all in this together...

Paul

Thanks for the reply (and the Red Green reference!;)). I am talking about that more mature type love. I feel it under the surface, but it never stays with me all the time and it drives me crazy. I know I want that and I feel that at times with my current g/f, but it always seems to slip away in a sea of "over-thinking" (more like unclear thinking) and wondering if it's really it. Ugh. I wish I was a clear analytical thinker when it came to relationships.

Thanks again,
Rob

I need a intellectually stimulating person or I get bored. And what is stimulating to me is often not to another.
Do you think perhaps this happens to you.
You can really love someone who doesn't tickle your brain enough.
J9

I agree with Janine but for me it has to be someone who makes me laugh. I like my funny bone tickled not my brain. lol But, honestly I think a relationship has it's ups and downs anyway's. You just have to find new way's to keep it fresh. Good luck!!!!
Cherity

Well, I do like to laugh too and my current g/f has a great sense of humor and is very sharp. Most of all, she appreciates my sense of humor too (which is rare sometimes) I like making her laugh!

I just have days where I love her to death and other days where I'm not sure if I love her at all. It's like I'll think of some aspect of her that isn't dead on for me and then it invalidates all other feelings for her. That's sort of immature and stupid. It drives me crazy! This also happened to me before. I don't express all these ups and downs to her. I've told her I have that problem, but I don't want to drive her nuts wondering what I think about her until I figure this out. The reason why is that I know she could be the one for me and I don't want to hurt her a lot. She deserves better than that.

Talking about it helps a lot though! :)

Well I'm glad you talk it out here (I'm horribly nosy). But, I would like to help in any way I can. First off hon what your describing is ANY relationship. It is not all that uncommon to feel one day madly and uncontrollably in love and the next feel blah blah (I have been married for 9 years and with my husband for 11) We too go thru these phases (stress on the word phase). Just be careful in what you do, your Lady sound's like a very kind understanding person I would hate to see you lose that for a High.

Hugs
Cherity

:) Thank goodness for nosy people! See, I think I expect too much outta myself then if what I'm experiencing is normal for relationships. I get those "blah" feelings and it lasts a lot longer than it probably has to because I get freaked out that I feel that way. I'm kinda goofy. :(

Thanks very much for your kind advice. I'll try to keep my goofiness in check better.

Welcome Rejohn!
I think all relationships go through what you are going through. I have been married almost 7 years and you can read all about my relationship on this forum. I know somedays I love my wife and other days I do not feel anything for her. This is normal. I think ADD does make these symptoms worse. It sounds like you have a great girl. Remember pastures are not always greener on the other side. Feel free to vent anytime. I have found a lot of good advice about relationships on this forum. Welcome again and keep posting.

SEE!!!!! I just knew I had a purpose,,,too bad it's for butting into everyone else's life lol. Really don't give up and do thing's together that interest you. Try new thing's i.e. I tried hunting with my husband one of his all time favorite thing's and while I have yet to actually shoot something I find it a big thrill that he actually let's me hold the big gun woohoo. Don't give up, analyze but don't over analyze lol just read that; man, talk about funky advice i sure hope you know were I was going with this cause I don't. But hugs and prayers and good thought's to ya

Cherity (p.s. it's ok to be a dork,,,I'd much rather be laughing at you then myself lol)

Oh my goodness, I'm learning so much! I can't believe it. I feel so happy right now because of that. Thanks Biking and nucking_futs (ha ha)!!!

I think I get suckered in by the movies or people who say they're always certain about those feelings of love all the time. I think it is different for everyone. I also do believe in sharing with someone else what they're passionate about once and a while just to help connect with that person.

Woohoo! Thanks again. And, I do have a great girl. I really mean that! She's the sweetest--I always know that even if I don't always feel it.

*jumps up and down and does the happy dance* woo I"m getting too old for that one anymore.

Movies and ppl who say they alway's know or have known are full of "very unpleansant stuff". Don't let anyone sucker ya in to their little fantasy land.

Hugs and give her a hug for me

Heh. I'm still flying high on my new-found knowledge! You bet I'll give her a big hug! Thanks!