Hi group,
My husband is adult add/adhd. Our marriage counselor suggested this past week that he also has Asperger's. We are both in individual and in couples marriage counseling. She told me to learn everything I could about Asperger's. My husband is also on Concerta, which is helping him focus on things he needs to focus on like work, etc, but him focusing on "us" is still something I feel he's neglecting.

For my husband to feel comfortable in our relationship, and in restoring our marriage, I have to act as if I have absolutely NO EMOTIONS. I have to approach him; at an ok time for him, during certain hours of the day, while is medication is working, never when "I" need to talk, showing NO emotion and letting no emotions come out in my voice.
He shows frustration and anger at times with HIS emotions and voice but SWEARS that he is NOT doing this. I want to pull my hair out.

Anyway, here's my question:

Am I looking at an emotionless relationship here for the rest of my life? It seems SO unfair that I can't show what I am feeling without paying the price of him withdrawing or shutting down, or him accusing me of being angry. It is so frustrating. I can't life an EMOTIONLESS life, and live in a lonely, quiet despair mode. Any suggestions? I am also going to ask this of the counselor, but since we only get an hour every other week, I get weary between sessions.
Thanks,
Dede

hey Dede!!

Honestly, if he doesn't have emotion by now, I'm not sure of the chance that he'll change it (unless he really wants to). Also, since he doesn't like it when you have emotions - that doesn't seem likely to change either (again, unless he wants to change it).

I wish I could tell you differently, but it's nothing you can change - but things he has to change. Do you think he's willing?

PM me if you're up for it :)

Does he drink? It seems most of us fellows show much more emotion when we're a bit sauced...

Hi group,
My husband is adult add/adhd. Our marriage counselor suggested this past week that he also has Asperger's. We are both in individual and in couples marriage counseling. She told me to learn everything I could about Asperger's. My husband is also on Concerta, which is helping him focus on things he needs to focus on like work, etc, but him focusing on "us" is still something I feel he's neglecting.

For my husband to feel comfortable in our relationship, and in restoring our marriage, I have to act as if I have absolutely NO EMOTIONS. I have to approach him; at an ok time for him, during certain hours of the day, while is medication is working, never when "I" need to talk, showing NO emotion and letting no emotions come out in my voice.
He shows frustration and anger at times with HIS emotions and voice but SWEARS that he is NOT doing this. I want to pull my hair out.

Anyway, here's my question:

Am I looking at an emotionless relationship here for the rest of my life? It seems SO unfair that I can't show what I am feeling without paying the price of him withdrawing or shutting down, or him accusing me of being angry. It is so frustrating. I can't life an EMOTIONLESS life, and live in a lonely, quiet despair mode. Any suggestions? I am also going to ask this of the counselor, but since we only get an hour every other week, I get weary between sessions.
Thanks,
Dedewhat was he like before you married??? If he's always been like this why wasn't it an issue before the wedding?

Please excuse my lack of traditional approaches ever thing I suggest may be counter to what a consoler would recommend -luckily I am no consoler

He shows frustration and anger at times with HIS emotions and voice but SWEARS that he is NOT doing this. I want to pull my hair out.


Two words here -

video camera - preferably out of his direct sight while recording.


Gary never knew how he came across to me until I recorded him -




It seems SO unfair that I can't show what I am feeling without paying the price of him withdrawing or shutting down, or him accusing me of being angry. It is so frustrating.

Okay so he can rant when ever he want but you can't have any emotions - sorry sounds like a load of crap to me.

If Gary slaps an expectation on me like that he has to live by those same rules. . or I ain't playing.


When he shuts down is it a perminate I ask because some time when Gary goes off the deep end I shut down emotionally so I do not react to him with my own anger and make things worse but I do not stay shut down.

I with draw some time when I am dealing with issue it isn't always issue with him either - when I get depressed I with draw - and when I get overwhelmed - but again in time I come out of it. Some ties it is minutes hours and every once in a while it can be days - especially if I am hormonal.


him focusing on "us" is still something I feel he's neglecting.


Some people do not know how to connect other are unable to connect in way we can comprehend- if he is AS then the latter may be true - it may be necessary to learn how he connects - but mariage modifications in my unprofessional opinion should be such that they address BOTH of your needs not just his.

If you live having to repress your emotions, you will likely become sick.

Research has shown this again and again. (e.g. Dr. Gabor Mate, etc.)

He gets to rant, but you don't get to have a feeling, eh?

His ranting sounds too angry for my liking.

You are not an anger dumping ground or whipping boy, okay?

Sounds a little bit like my own family. Men get away with everything, while if ONE thing goes wrong, it's ALWAYS the Woman's fault.



All I can do is 'save myself' and get away. :)


Have you got your own Counsellor for support?