My marriage is reaching the breaking point, and my husband doesn't even notice. He's literally a textbook case of ADD (and I've read the textbooks, being a psychology major). We've been married 5 years and knew each other since middle school. For the last year or so it feels as if I've settled into a role that's less like a wife and more like a mother.

His attention span seems to have actually decreased over time, and while I juggle finances, bills, housework, and my college classes and 2 part time jobs, he (until recently, see below) would work full time, come home, and play computer games with the TV blaring in the background for 4-7 hours a day, or impulsively spend money on computer equipment or new games, or hang out with his friends (often forgetting to pick me up from work). We hardly even talk, except for when he wants me to do something for him, like, "Make me dinner, I'm hungry." At least we still had sex regularly, I guess, although it's really mostly for him, and he often complained about how I didn't really seem into it (would YOU feel sexy after being ignored for Counter-Strike for an entire day?). Lately the only time he ever talks about me is when he has a complaint, generally about the way I look, talk, and act. "That porn star is hot. Why can't you be hot like that?", or, "I don't know why you don't like doing the same things I do. You're my wife, after all." A few of our friends have mentioned to him that he's been a bit inattentive, but so far it hasn't registered. I've mentioned ADD to him, but he won't listen or even talk to a therapist. He says that if anything, the problem is with me, and that all these claims I make are delusions.

I think I'm falling into the pattern of an enabler - he just does whatever he wants with no thought of consequences, and I just fix up any messes he leaves along the way. A couple of months ago he moved out of state to live with his folks and finish college (saying that I kept him from finishing in the first place) and after supporting him financially for a month while he sort of looked for a job (he won't be paying me back, either, since I'm his wife), our new long-distance relationship has fallen back into the same pattern. I won't hear from him or be able to contact him for a while, then when he wants to he'll call, or message me online. Usually he only really contacts me if he wants something. Often our conversations are one-way, with him talking about himself, or about things he wants from me, and me saying, "yeah" over and over. I am expected to pay for airfare to fly up and visit him every month, and when I do visit, I need to dress and act in a way that meets his ideals, even doing things I don't like.

Since he left, I have started a relationship with a coworker and close friend. We didn't intend for it to turn into an affair, but... well, it has. He's very much like my husband, the good parts, anyway, and sans the ADD. He loves and accepts me for who I am, and is just so... attentive in every way. We love each other but both agree it's unfair not to give my husband a second chance, but I don't know how I can get him to even admit he might have ADD, much less seek treatment or do anything for our relationship. What should I do???

Seek professional counselling for you.

We can change only ourselves, not others. I, for one, am not qualified to suggest another way to find your way through this briar patch. If you don't learn from the choices you have made --and are making-- you may repeat this behavior again and again with the same results.

Good luck.

Welcome to the forums Angst. Is your hubby on medication? Maybe you guys can seek a marriage counselor, but the question is the do you want it to workout? Follow your heart and do what you feel is right. Communication is an important part...you guys may need to talk it out..if you guys can not communcate now How can you two be happy.

Take care and I am glad you joined the forums..I pray things work out for the best, which in the end they always do;)..stick to your guns hun.

Welcome to the forums Angst.
I relate to your story so very much.
You can not change others Angst. They have to want it for themselves.
Best of luck to you.

Welcome Ansgst,
Sound like you have a real delima sp?. I amm ADD with a non ADD spuse. Have you talked to your husband about the issues you have with him? It does not sound like he cares to much about you. You can read all about my relationship problems on this forum. My wife is non ADD. I have done a number of things to try and change. I would be careful about your affair. You obviously had the same sort of feeling for your husband at some point. I know at this point I would be temmpted to have an affair myself, but that would ruin everything I have worked so hard to fix. The affair is going to really throw a monkey wrench into giving your husband a 2nd chance. I have done some things wrong in my relationship and they are used against me. Your husband may do the same thing to you. Did not mean to lecture you. Good luck and feel free to vent anytime to us. It is a great group

Hi, he is apparently unwilling to look at your side, and takes you for granted it sounds. I would give an ultimatum so that maybe he can see this is it, either he gives a **** or not.
I have a chip on my shoulder about people who aren't willing to pull their weight or respect those that help them when they can't pull the part of the load.
Remember be carefull having this affair could mislead you as you are in the midst of an unhappy marriage.
janine

I am in your corner when it comes to most of what you said. In my home I am the official "Swifter Mop" for all the mishaps both ADD and non ADD related. In general I am emotionally worn, and very, very lonely. We hear alot about giving our ADD partners praise for the changes placed forth and the same ole "I am trying and nothing seems to be good enough". This is a two way street, in my view. When you are expecting another to work with you as partners, then the praise needs to come from both sides. The way I see it in my case is that I have to understand and live with the ADD on the part of my husband, the constant swiftering of messes and constant verbal tantrums that are not only inexcusable, but unacceptable. I understand what ADD is and I understand that we try at counseling, but if the one with the ADD does not aid in promoting that the relationship is ultimately worth it then what it is the point. If you do not feel loved, then how can you give love? In my marriage as I have said in another thread, I do not feel loved. I feel not only secondary, I feel non existent. Even those with ADD can show love. A simple dinner together or a movie on the sofa when the children are sleeping. Put that ADD book down, or forget about the forums that are frequented for a bit or that phone call to your buddy. In order to keep what you have you have to take care of what you have.

If you are feeling that bad then you need to end the relationship. An affair is not the answer. In my case, I am seriously considering ending it. I cannot lose myself.

Catherine M.

First off I definatly agree with Ace seek counseling for YOU...You have definatly fallen into a pattern that is not healthy for any person ADD or NOT. You need to find out who you are again.

p.s. coming from an ADD'er your hubby is NOT displaying ADD behaviour he is displaying SELFISH, UNCARING behaviours and perhaps he needs to be kicked to the curb. I'm sorry ADD is NOT an excuse to ridicule anyone or to be just plain thoughtless. But, it is only my opinion.

And relationship's take TWO ppl working on themselves not just ONE.

I wish you the best and Good LUck!!!!
Cherity