This is a difficult disorder. You can live recovered and well for a long time. Then a situation happens that brings it all back. Sometimes for a short time, but this time it is rolling over me like a train. This is the first time in my life I have do not have strength to fight. I am ill and not getting better. It is that and the sense of helplessness that is most triggering, but that is not the only issue.

I am learning to ask for help--I have always been strong--but now I cannot fight alone. It is hard to ask and hard to fell this weak. I comparison, I would take my ADD with joy everyday. Just needed to vent. Thanks

I totally understand, I was triggered recently by someone who claimed to be my friend and knew they were triggering me, but kept at it anyhow. I am in quite a funk over that and I have since sworn this person off.

IMHO, if cold hearted selfish people get their kicks out of letting others suffer and giving them flashbacks, and know they are doing it, I have no interest in wasting my time with them.

hugs VI
and you too Matt
xxx

Well VI, in my case I have had dreams for the past couple of nights and I have numbed out again. The emotion that I am the champion of numbing out is guilt and that can be good and bad. It feels like my conscience has gone away again like my internal restraints are non existence.

My mental cycles seems to be a "god-like omnipotence" in relationship to my behavior and the feeling that I simply do not exist to the rest of the world.

And I absolutely hate the person who triggered this as well and it was a friend. I will be as fake as possible to this person (Academy Award material) and they will not know that I hate them because being fake goes along well with the rest of this PTSD state.

I feel hopeless about it but the worst part of this in my opinion is that I don't seem to care and have no emotion over this, like it has happened so much in my life and my defense mechanism has always been a war against society in retribution for the miserable life I had in my childhood.

It is good that I am getting an education, my goal with that will allow this state if it is back for good to be put to good use.

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

Anything we can do?

Want to hear something funny----losing control over my life is a huge trigger; as is public humiliation/correction/disrespect. Guess where the triggers started this time? In the hospital, for depression care. I got chewed out for having a vertigo attack and interrupting group----next time I will schedule it in my planner. Just having nothing that was mine was hard. The supervisor was wonderful and since crayola markers were available in the day room, I was allowed to have my own set to keep with my journal---my refuge and only thing I could do without needing permission or follow a schedule. It was like a security blanket and the only constant in my life that I had any control over.

A nurse even refused to let me talk to a chaplain, they took days to put my allergy red band on and I didn't discover till I was discharged that I had been labeled a fall risk---got yelled at for do doctor recommended balance exercises.

Just a note, this was just a few people. on the whole everyone else was wonderful and treated us as equal human beings. But the whole scenario of a lockdown unit was very triggering---especially for a non-attempt, just lots of disappointment/anger at the lack of diagnosis of my ear/balance problems, high frustration and extreme anxiety attacks from the ENG that led to ideation and the voluntary admission. It was my first time and this was not what I expected at all. I did learn a lot about mindful meditation, guided imagery, relaxation, and started exploring my art again---it really spoke to the art therapist, she was amazed and encouraging. Met lots of really wonderful people going through a rough spot. Learned how much strength it takes to do what I did---I used to think it was desperation or weakness, but realize it is strength.

I just got a neurologist appointment for Feb 8 with a top specialist at Barnes-Jewish, the 7th US news ranked hospital for neurology in the US. It is only about 70 miles from my home. Their ENT is ranked 6th I believe and i have an appointment Feb 21 with them. But dealing with docs is causing me a lot of anxiety after fighting this for 2.4 years. At least my psychiatrist confirmed this is real and not in my head---that made me laugh----really.

Hopefully some answers will come soon because the areas of the brain that control cognition and emotions are also highly involved in balance---hence the high rate and levels of anxiety and depression. Add that to a history of depression--that was in remission till my balance went whack and this is where I am today.

I understand how you feel VI, I was triggered pretty hard myself and I am here if you want to talk because I understand and maybe we can help each other a little bit.

Hang in there.

It sucks being locked up, especially when you are voluntary, and then getting treated badly for having symptoms...It really makes you wonder. Sometimes the only thing I can do is be glad that I don't treat people that way, and that having been through a lot of bad stuff helps me to have some compassion.
It still majorly sucks though.

re: #6, sentence #1

Can you see how both those "triggers" [loss of control; shame/humiliation] totally make sense?

Wow, you can (a) identify and (b) verbalize them.

Some folks [probably involuntary pts!] just become non-verbally agitated and even combative.

lol qeII

I have always been a very verbal person---so much so uninformed care providers think my fast talking--hey, I grew up near Chicago, we talk fast from there--part is geographic/cultural, I am an aural processor, when I have a panic attack or extreme anxiety my talk rate goes up a notch or ten, plus, I freakin have ADD.

I do think journaling and counseling have given me skills in effectively communicating my symptoms etc....just that many caregivers don't think a patient should know or understand their disorder. Like I am too dumb to grasp what is going on. GRRRRRRRRR. I am a reader and a researcher at heart and was reading and writing about the history of mental health treatment and genetic diseases while in high school. Plus I have extensive coursework in human development across the lifespan--can talk theory with my phd therapist and understand/apply it to my life and therapy. And professional development in special education and working with at-risk youth. Most doctors appreciate an informed patient too.

Thanks....VI

When you get into anxiety and panic and start talking fast or having racing thoughts, try to *conciously* slow things down (your words) into a "slow-mo' speed.


Pretend you are slowing down a movie and it's speech soundtracks to "slow mo" is what I mean.

It can help break the panic/anxiety spiral.