HawkeyeFun
02-03-08, 12:17 PM
Hello all! I was just hoping some opinions and/or direction to resources on some issues I've been trying to work on lately. But, let me set up the situation first....it's kind of lengthy... but, it's a unique story I think so I'll try to keep you interested and be brief.
In December of 2005, my mom had her first psychotic episode. The police picked her up in the middle of the night crawling through the snow, searching for her keys. She heard voices and talked to them and she spent 10 days as an inpatient in the psych ward. Subsequently she has been diagnosed as bipolar. Oh, I was 25 at the time.
About 3 months later, in March, I remember someone asked me what day it was. I started to say December...but the calendar said March. I was stunned. I could remember things that happened during those months. but it was as if my brain had just refused to acknowledge months passing.
My parents finances started falling apart as my mom always paid the bills and during the episode she hadn't. I tried to hold it all together for them...I worked for a financial institution and knew what they should do. But, I live an hour and a half away so it was super stressful.
By July of 2006, I was so depressed I could barely eat and so I sought counseling. That is how my own diagnosis of ADD came to pass...I was then 26... holding two 4 year degrees, in biology and spanish... and unable to figure out why I couldn't put my laundry in the hamper like normal people do. (As a side note, I celebrate that diagnosis... it was probably one of the most life changing, positive things that ever happened to me. Who cares if I occasionally throw my clothes on the ground by the hamper? There are worse things... lol.)
Anyway...on top of all of the family issues, a month later, my boyfriend of 14 months broke up with me and moved out of state.
Now, I've never been an instant sleeper and I've always considered myself to be a little jumpy. But, by November of 2006, I was only able to sleep about 4 hours a night. I would chose to go lay in my car and try to sleep on breaks and lunch instead of eating. I had elected to take adderall without hesitation but my doctor had to work to get me to try Lunesta. Well, I finally did and it was as much of a miracle as the adderall.
I began a journey of healing and learning that was so intense I had a hard time making time to socialize. The depression slowly lifted, but still, there's something off. Even with the adderall, I sometimes just can't get myself to do silly things like check my bank balance or mail a letter...the thought of it sends a tickle of panic through me....it's hard to describe. I also still have repetitive, obsessive thoughts about stupid things or about people (crushes, friends I'm a little P-O'd at). To the point where I'm just miserable for all the hours I'm at home. I finally realized that this may be anxiety and asked my med manager to prescribe something. My therapist thinks it's more of an issue of me regaining my self confidence and not so much anxiety as a side effect of the untreated ADHD. I just started on buspar about 5 days ago with the goal of stopping it after about six months of therapy and work.
However, lately I've started to wonder if it could actually be anxiety related to witnessing my mother's illness...something more like PTSD. I brought it up to my therapist and she did not say yes or no, she kind of went around it... I feel silly self-diagnosing so I didn't press it.
But, I'm a smart girl and I just want to fully understand why in the heck I suddenly feel like I'm stuck in a slow-mo crash and burn every evening after work. Could it be PTSD? Could it just be underlying anxiety that was being covered by uncontrolled ADHD? Or is it just part of me learning about life after my ADHD diagnosis?
I know most of you aren't doctors but any insights would be greatly appreciated :-) Also, any books or links you have personally found helpful would be awesome. :-) Learning is my favorite. Thanks everyone!
(Oh... and here is were my meds are at now... Adderall 20mg X 2, Lunesta 3 mg at bedtime, Buspar 7.5 mg X 2, scheduled to be Buspar 15 mg X 2 by mid-next week.)
In December of 2005, my mom had her first psychotic episode. The police picked her up in the middle of the night crawling through the snow, searching for her keys. She heard voices and talked to them and she spent 10 days as an inpatient in the psych ward. Subsequently she has been diagnosed as bipolar. Oh, I was 25 at the time.
About 3 months later, in March, I remember someone asked me what day it was. I started to say December...but the calendar said March. I was stunned. I could remember things that happened during those months. but it was as if my brain had just refused to acknowledge months passing.
My parents finances started falling apart as my mom always paid the bills and during the episode she hadn't. I tried to hold it all together for them...I worked for a financial institution and knew what they should do. But, I live an hour and a half away so it was super stressful.
By July of 2006, I was so depressed I could barely eat and so I sought counseling. That is how my own diagnosis of ADD came to pass...I was then 26... holding two 4 year degrees, in biology and spanish... and unable to figure out why I couldn't put my laundry in the hamper like normal people do. (As a side note, I celebrate that diagnosis... it was probably one of the most life changing, positive things that ever happened to me. Who cares if I occasionally throw my clothes on the ground by the hamper? There are worse things... lol.)
Anyway...on top of all of the family issues, a month later, my boyfriend of 14 months broke up with me and moved out of state.
Now, I've never been an instant sleeper and I've always considered myself to be a little jumpy. But, by November of 2006, I was only able to sleep about 4 hours a night. I would chose to go lay in my car and try to sleep on breaks and lunch instead of eating. I had elected to take adderall without hesitation but my doctor had to work to get me to try Lunesta. Well, I finally did and it was as much of a miracle as the adderall.
I began a journey of healing and learning that was so intense I had a hard time making time to socialize. The depression slowly lifted, but still, there's something off. Even with the adderall, I sometimes just can't get myself to do silly things like check my bank balance or mail a letter...the thought of it sends a tickle of panic through me....it's hard to describe. I also still have repetitive, obsessive thoughts about stupid things or about people (crushes, friends I'm a little P-O'd at). To the point where I'm just miserable for all the hours I'm at home. I finally realized that this may be anxiety and asked my med manager to prescribe something. My therapist thinks it's more of an issue of me regaining my self confidence and not so much anxiety as a side effect of the untreated ADHD. I just started on buspar about 5 days ago with the goal of stopping it after about six months of therapy and work.
However, lately I've started to wonder if it could actually be anxiety related to witnessing my mother's illness...something more like PTSD. I brought it up to my therapist and she did not say yes or no, she kind of went around it... I feel silly self-diagnosing so I didn't press it.
But, I'm a smart girl and I just want to fully understand why in the heck I suddenly feel like I'm stuck in a slow-mo crash and burn every evening after work. Could it be PTSD? Could it just be underlying anxiety that was being covered by uncontrolled ADHD? Or is it just part of me learning about life after my ADHD diagnosis?
I know most of you aren't doctors but any insights would be greatly appreciated :-) Also, any books or links you have personally found helpful would be awesome. :-) Learning is my favorite. Thanks everyone!
(Oh... and here is were my meds are at now... Adderall 20mg X 2, Lunesta 3 mg at bedtime, Buspar 7.5 mg X 2, scheduled to be Buspar 15 mg X 2 by mid-next week.)