02-04-08, 06:58 PM
I am in a long term relationship with a beautiful women who is constantly concerned about her weight and body image. For the time we have been dating I keep telling her how beautiful, hot, and sexy I think she is; and I won't let her argue with me about it, but it just isn't sticking. I still don't think she believes me when I tell her these things. I just don't know how to help her and would like some advice on what I can do for her. It breaks my heart when she says things like she is too fat or that she thinks I'm not attracted to her. And on top of it all she always feels like she is less pretty than me; which is not the case at all. I just don't know what to do anymore and I need some advice. Thanks.
10-04-08, 11:59 AM
It sounds like no matter what you say nothing will change her mind. She has a distorted perception of herself and this will not change with out counseling. I have a low self-esteem as well and no matter how attractive people say I am I can't believe it.
10-04-08, 03:42 PM
I was overweight most of my adult life (250-60LBS). I reduced my weight to about 190 when I was 42 have maintained the lost weight for 10 years; a constant battle.
I STILL picture myself as fat -- a hard thing to overcome and I never quite believe it when people say I don't look fat.
I find I feel better now that I've been medicated; the anxiety about feeling fat/low self esteem seems to have been reduced.
Outside the Box
10-04-08, 10:20 PM
I was overweight all of my life until about 2 years ago. I lost about 45 pounds before I was diagnosed (I got a breast reduction and looked pregnant) and 15 after with combined ADHD as an adult. I have never ever weight 120 pounds! I go up to 130 and back down again when stressed or overcome from a skittle addiction.
And still believing your fat doesn't go away. No matter if what size anyone is when your pants are too tight you feel fat. I am about a size 2/4 but when clothes don't fit, you feel horrible.
After so many years of me being teased as a kid or in fights with boyfriends who call you fat. It is hard to forget. I am more self-conscious now than I was before. What if it comes back etc? I still don't understand how my boyfriend of 5.5 years now dated me for half that when I was big. The fat thoughts must take time to go away. Self-esteem is hard to rebuild when you are your own worst enemy.
I know there are too many of us that knows how she feels.
10-05-08, 03:01 PM
Outside the box ... nicely explained ... it never stops ... I fluctuate between a size 4 and 8 (was much bigger in high school)... the plots and plans and thoughts about how to get back down to a 4 consume most of my time ... AND you are so right, it only gets worse the smaller I am ... I look back now and wonder why I wasn't just happy at that size, probably because I was desperately trying to maintain ... Thank you for putting into words that it really has nothing to do with 'weight' ... I have felt like a huge fat pig and weighed 125 ... and, in a rare instance, have felt strong and healthy weighing 150 ... go figure ... it a work in progress for sure
I put on the pounds around early middle school, and reached a peak just before college at a little under 300 (being 6'4"). Was miserable when it came to relationships with girls and fitting in in high school, had few friends, but seemed "normal" to everyone.
Senior year rolls around, and i'm rolling in a 2xl and even that's getting kind of tight. 44" pants, and fat fat FAT!
Get into college, and for some reason sign up with a personal trainer (like 400 dollars for 32 session block, NOT cheap). The dollars motivated me to go train, and I started slowly with not even able to do a pushup. Long story short, and 3 years later i'm now fitting into XL and some L shirts, 36-38" pants, weighing in at 250 solid. I utilize my anxiety by going to the gym and getting "buff" :D. I would say i'm a pretty big guy muscle/strength wise now. I get the "oh you're hot" or all that other stuff and frankly I shrug it off, still thinking about before. Still the low self esteem, but i'm trying to get better about it. Having more friends and feeling more confident helps in raising self esteem. I'm becoming more social and confident with "the ladies" as a result of my change of mindset :p.
I think your girlfriend sees herself as undesireable, and is probably a result of having low self esteem. I feel the same way still, but am getting better about it. She has to want to change the way she feels about her image, not you. If she doesn't want to or doesn't want to try to change her self esteem, then it will never happen...
10-08-08, 12:00 PM
I feel the way she does now. I gained weight after having kids and I just hate what it did to my body. I was like this before I had kids too and I was thin then. I looked good then I just didn't know it. I feel like if I at least get my weight back I will feel more confident than I do now and before.
Does she actually have weight issues or is she at a heathly weight? If she has weigh problems tell her there is a great site that can help her. It's free! It's called sparkpeople.com I am a member. She can add me too if she wants! My name on there is BRIANNE7924. Even if she is at a healthy weight it can help her. They have differnt groups you can join. I am in one call love your body. They help you feel more confident about your self. Not everyone there is overweight. Some people are there to help, stay motivated, be or stay healthy, motivate, give advise, etc.
I will always be like this a bit. Even though I say I feel ugly to my husband it really does help to know he thinks I am hott. So even though she may not respond the way you would like her to.........tell her those things everyday! Tell her in new ways as much as you can. Be creative with it. The more you energy you put into it....the more she will know you truly believe that she is hott. Only problem is if you ever slack off she will probably revert back to old feelings. Once that happens it's hard to get back up again. Anytime you can get someone who doesn't know her that well to give her a compliment that would help too. You know..... if there is someone you know well that maybe she doesn't........you could ask them to give her a compliment (without her knowing or she will just think they did because you asked them too). Sometimes we need to hear it from people we don't know to truly believe it. Silly I know! But when someone you care about says it...... you can't help but think they are only saying it because they love you not necessarily because it's true. Women are goofy! lol We think about things too deeply sometimes. That's our biggest problem.
If she decides to join let me know so I can find her!