Hi All,

I was reading a post and someone mentioned a best friend and it hit me to ask this. Do your friends know about your ADD? I have chosen not to tell mine about me or my daughter. I just want them to see me as normal.

My best friend went through hell with me growing up. She saw everything I went through and also put up with my depressions and negative outlook on life. I wonder if she ever suspected that something was actually behind all that. She sees me now as much changed and much more positive and we can enjoy each others company without any negative attitude or emotional problems coming into it. Of course I have my low times and she's there to listen, but I try to keep a lot of it to myself and not bring her down. I have also learned to be a better listener when she has her own troubles and needs to share.

I have another close friend who's son is autistic but just can't bring myself to tell her. I do think she suspects though. I think she may even have it herself. She is really bad with speaking impulsively. I have learned to let things go because I know she means no harm. Even so, I still choose not to tell her about me or my daughter. Does that make me a dishonest friend?

I just want everyone to see me for who I am now and not label me or look down at me or have different expectations of me then the next person. I have had enough of being looked down at in my life. I have grown and am different now.

I'll always have ADD but knowledge and experience can teach you so much about yourself and others too. I now have a lot of friends and a decent life(most of the time :)) and I just don't feel the need to share that most private thing about myself. I've worked so hard to be a better person and I feel disclosing that would destroy everything I've worked so hard for. Only my own parents and my sisters know. I do not wish EVER for my in-laws to know. I just want people to respect me and look at me eye to eye.

Maybe I'll feel different years down the line but right now I'd be happy if no one ever knew except those who absolutely have to. That's why I'm so glad for the forum and all of you who know where I am coming from and I don't have to feel different or not equal. Does anyone else here feel like I do about telling their friends outside of this forum, just curious. Heading out now to see "The Passion of the Christ". I'll let you all know what I thought of it. Thanks for reading my as usual lengthy post. Dee

My opinion is that keeping secrets is not a good idea. But medical information is very private and I can understand not wanting to share it for privacy reasons. I'd be concerned only because it sounds like you're keeping the fact you're ADD a secret like it was a "skeleton in the closet" and something you're ashamed of - why else would telling close friends "destroy everything I've worked so hard for" Would they really feel different about you? Are they going to judge you because genetics makes your brain work a little differently than others? Secrets and feelings of shame are not good for self-esteem. I kept a secret from childhood for years before I finally told anyone. I had no idea how much it actually bothered me until I tried to tell someone and all the emotions came bubbling up to the surface - but I feel much better about it now that it's no longer a deep dark secret.
Of course it's your right to keep whatever secrets you want, and for whatever reasons.
Just my 2 cents worth!
Regards,
Greg

ADDfor2..my non ADD friends No about my ADHD and Bipolar and PTSD..I figure if they are my true friends it will not matter to them. I am not look at ADD like it is such a bad thing, yes it can be annoying sometimes, but I have come to realize from being here at the forums and the Yahoo ADD room, that ADD does have perks that makes us stand out, like our artistic sides and our imagination, possibly some have some type of esp. I learned to look at ADD as something I will always have so I plan to make the best of it. Just check out signature down below. Never ever try to hide who you are...think of the good things that make you you. Would your friends really care that you have ADD if they were true friends? Just something to think about:D. Take care.

Dear Ones,

Namaste,

Even my worst friends know it all by now..courtsy my loud month..and yes they look me with a compassion, understanding, and a slow rising smile on their face.

I feel stupid when I am with them..I hate explaining add/myself to others parts very tiring because I feel it robes away the dignity of my being. there are million things wrong in society, people, and with our friends as well but since they are not labelled with any tag..they get away with it..

Nachi

You do as you feel right, Dee. Remember, once that particular bell (your ADD) has been rung, it can't be UN-rung. I also want to say that this is not a matter of "keeping secrets" so much as it is a right to privacy. You don't disclose everything to everybody. You can be mature and self-contained, because there is no "public right to know" in this case.

I have told five friends, not all of whom live in my community. I may tell more later, but I have a right to present to the public the face I choose.

I don't think anybody else can tell you what is appropriate for you.

I opened up to my friends. I don't care. I feel liberated, I guess. My closest friends right now are my class mates in grad school (PT school--we go through every class together) and unofficially I have an inclination that half of my class of 8 is "part of the group".

Opening up to one friend helped me because she confided that she was diagnosed as a child. Another class member has not been diagnosed, but he show classic signs and "admits" to having ADD.

Now I don't feel alone. It is great to see the 3 of us all fidgeting in class and staring off into space (as we were today) and knowing that I am not the only one.

I've told me friends so they would know I am normal and ok....lol...
I'd worry they'd wonder what was my problem ...lol...

Like forgetting to meet them at a planned lunch date..

forgetting something that was important to them....

Telling them the same story for the past 3 times I spoke to them on the phone...done this Alot....lol..

Calling them all upset about MY LIFE and not thinking to ask them how they were first or at all...

Why I never ask them over to my house (because it's a mess and I don't want them to see it).....

Why I seem to never have money in my pocket... Because I either lost my last $5.00 in the store I was just in or I forgot I didn't have any cash and forgot to stop at the ATM or I messed up my check book AGAIN so bad I can't touch my money.....

I sound like a bad friend who doesn't care about them or some kind of weird scatterbrain...well, the friend part it's right , the scatterbrain is still open.....lol...

With my friends knowing I have trouble with this stuff and knowing I want them to be up front with me and they are...lol..If a friend thought I was making excuses for my actions or thought ADD was #@&#....or thought I wasn't some how normal ? They don't really know me or like me soooo good bye don't need that kinda vibes in my life "friend"......

But really that's me !!! Please don't think I'm thinking you should have the same feelings....Everyone has their own way and that's fine with me.... :D

OH MY GOSH! I had to laugh when I saw that I'm not the only one who doesn't have anyone over my house because it's always a mess. My H calls it HCDD(House Cleaning Deficit Disorder LOL). I have also repeated stories and forgotten dates. The date thing I'm getting better at. I write EVERYTHING down, and I mean EVERYTHING. My husband says my calendar looks like a kindergarteners scribble, but hey, it works for me. I leave notes at work too if anything occurs that deviates from the regular routine. I have found many ways to help myself over the years and have become pretty good at hiding the fact that my brain works just a little different from other people.

It seems here that the main consenses is that most of you are comfortable letting people know. I didn't want to come across as being ashamed of having ADD. Sorry if that is how it sounded. What I am embarrassed about is the rough time I had when I was younger. Grade school was a horror socially and academically. I started out well but went downhill after 3rd grade. The old "underachiever" thing. Had more been known about ADD I think my life would have been so different in both areas. I wasn't too great at sports either. At least now I'll give volleyball a shot, or shoot some hoops. I don't feel the terror and embarrassment I felt as a kid so much anymore.

I guess the major reason why I don't want anyone to know is because now, FINALLY, everyone sees me as an equal and not some weirdo or loser. It took a lot of work and time to get to this point and the thought of someone looking down at me or just as "different" hurts.

There are still people I am uncomfortable and can not relate well with that I have to deal with. I think some people can just see that there is something "different" about me and I feel a lot of stress in their presence. There are always those people that judge others and look for weaknesses and they are the ones I am most uncomfortable with.

I'm sure my friends would still be my friends if I told them but I just want to be seen as their equal and an equal in society. I guess the past has quite a lot to do with this. I was hurt so badly emotionally, psychologically and mentally as a young person that the memories still hurt today 30 plus years later. I still feel anxiety inside when I see some of the people in my community that tortured me as a kid. I am working on forgiving those people and letting that hurt heal. Maybe that needs to happen before I will be comfortable telling anyone about my ADD, maybe I'll never tell. I guess I just have to take one day at a time and one step at a time.

Thanks so much for your input. I really appreciate everything you all have to say. Dee

One of my friends told me I was lucky to find out and she wishes she could "have" something to explain why she is the way she is. She struggles with her own issues and is constantly reading self-help books. She's definitley not ADHD but maybe suffers from OCD and Anxiety but I'm not going to tell her that. I think each journey is unique. I'm actually glad I didn't find out until my 30's. In my 20's, I discovered so many things I hated about myself that I started to work on things one at a time:

I hated that I constantly interrupted people. I noticed when I did it but somehow couldn't help it. I just started forcing myself to not talk and that it was alright if every thought in my head didn't have to be spoken outloud.

I hated that I lost my temper all the time. A boyfriend at the time told me he hated it when I yelled or slammed doors. His (divorced) parents yelled all the time growing up and it frightened him. I made myself stop. I RARELY lose it and when I do, it's usually when I'm by myself.

I hated being negative about myself and telling people "Oh, I could never do that, I'm too stupid". I was sabotaging myself with negative talk. I got sick of never trying anything that seemed hard. I decided to stop being afraid of failure.

I hated pretending that I knew what a word meant when I didn't because I didn't want to look stupid. Now I just ask, "What does obfuscate mean?

I hated taking "easy" jobs because I didn't think I could handle anything else.

Basically, I overcame all of these things before I even realized that I had ADHD. It makes me proud to think that I have completely changed as a person in the last 10 years and I did it all by myself. Finding out about ADHD was just the icing on the cake. It gave me that last boost of self-esteem, knowing that I was an intelligent person with a brain that works a little differently than others. Now I don't compare myself to other people anymore which was one of the next things I wanted to work on!!!

So, Dee, I know what you mean when you say you have become a better person already without anyone knowing you had ADHD. But I look at it this way: I've had SO much more to overcome having ADHD that it's even more of an amazing feat that I got to where I am. I cannot even relate to the person I was 10 years ago. My friends have been very supportive and also amazed at my transformation (especially the ones that have known me for over 20 years).

There are still some people I won't tell because I know they will judge and there is also no point in telling them. Sometimes I want to tell my boss I have it but I'm still unsure about that. I've also told my mom but not my dad. I just know that if someone ever found out I wouldn't care or be ashamed. I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. It's also really easy telling new people I meet. I can set their expectations from the get-go (forgetting birthdays, not calling them back, not remembering any story they told me from the week before, my hyperactive bouts and my underactive/anti-social bouts). I never want to pretend that I'm someone I'm not.

I also feel that there is no "formula" or rulebook to being someone who is ADHD. Just because we are all ADHD doesn't mean we are the same people. We have similarities but our personalities and life experiences make us each individuals. You need to live your life in a way that makes you feel happy, secure and productive. And just because you don't want to tell people right now, doesn't mean you won't change your mind next week or next year. You just do it when it feels right. Or maybe never at all.

Right now, I can only see the positives to being me. I don't care if I'm not a CEO of some company or that I didn't remodel my own house. I'm the girl that says really off-the-wall stuff and makes people laugh. People ask for my advice because they know I have the ability to see a situation from 57 different angles. I'm so happy to finally be appreciated for who I am, and for me, that means not hiding the fact that I have ADHD.

Sorry this is so long.

Peace Out,
Andrea

Wonderful message, Andrea, so clearly stated and so honest and full of hope. I wish I lived next door to you! Thanks.

You said it all Andrea. Wow.

Hi Andrea,

I'm so glad you posted. A lot of things you said remind me of me. I too worked hard on a lot of areas I was weak in over the years and am so different then I used to be. It wasn't easy though. It took many years just to get to the point where I am now. For me finally putting a name to what was different about me was also the icing on the cake. I think it's great you've come so far, bravo! :) I think you are a little farther along in this though then me as I still am not comfortable telling people. I still don't have quite the confidence yet to seek out a leadership type job and I still loose my temper and react impulsively more often then I'd like. I'm working hard though on those things and other bugs in my wiring. I am much better then I used to be. Even so, I'm still afraid in some situations and in front of some people to reveal completely who I am because I had gotten so used to hating who I am. I really hated who I was for the longest time. Hated myself so much that I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, to change my name. I don't feel that way anymore. I actually feel pretty good about myself most of the time. I still have my bouts of self-doubt, feeling sorry for myself and disappointment in myself when I don't accomplish something I think I should have but for the most part I think I can finally say I'm OK. I couldn't say that for a very long time and now it feels good, darn good to say I AM OK(most of the time anyway :)). Thanks so much for all of your posts everyone.
Your Friend, Dee

Add42, I can understand your misgivings about "coming clean" - you've put a lot of effort in conforming to expectations of "normality" .... and now you're "there", you don't want simply to throw it all up.
That said, the wise folk of this forum make some wonderfully heartening points about friends gaining a greater understanding of the "negative" ADD behaviours - which must surely strengthen the bonds.
But OTOH, you want to experience people as they really are - rather than when they're in "sympathy/extra-allowance" mode, but I'm not sure this detracts from the experience of them.
But it's respect you want and if you choose not to tell anyone, then that's something you know you have free reign to earn from them.
I had much the same issue with being brought up in a children's home - of which I was profoundly ashamed until my mid-thirties.
I was already "outside" enough and was desperate not to be seen as any more different than I already was.
I figured that others might feel the same way as I did about my coming from an institutional background, or that they may see me as someone fundamentally less worth bothering with because I've have to much emotional baggage/dysfunctionality ... so I kept it quiet.
One of the painful things about my childhood/youth was my desperation and yearning to fit in, to feel a sense of acceptedness and belonging - I LONGED to be Jo Average .... 'cos Jo Average has no idea how lucky s/he is.
Nowadays, while I very rarely feel comfortable telling anyone about where I was raised - I'm more than content to mitigate any gaffes I may make in advance, by mentioning ADD.
Well, I'll be a bit more honest ..... trying to explain why I drive a taxi when I have a good education - it gets asked a lot.
Regards
Addled

For me, pretty much anyone I have ever met knows I have ADHD. They either make a comment about my hyperactivity or something else and I usually tell them to deal with it, that I am ADHD and happen to really like the way I am. I don't have friends that do not know and understand my ADHD. Quite frankly, I don't want any. This is who I am and this is me. I like the way I am and am not ashamed of it.

Now, I understand people have different experiences than I do, but don't be ashamed to be your self. Someone in this forum said it best (sorry I can't remember exactly who): I do not have ADD. I am ADD!.

Don't be afraid to be you and let you friends know who that is. If they don't like it or can't handle it, that is their problem and not yours. Let them deal with it.


MM

Dee,

We definitely have a lot in common. It has taken me a lot of hard work to get to where I am. When I mean "where I am" I don't mean being successful in a career or anything. I mean that I don't hate myself anymore. I used to think everyone was better or more deserving than me. I believed that I wasn't smart or worthy of anything. I constantly compared myself to everyone and wished I could switch places with them. I used to daydream a lot about what it would be like to be "normal". Someone who always did what they said they were going to do. Keep their house spotless. Be in a good relationship. I constantly looked at what I wasn't instead of what I was.

I'm 34 and still single. I've never really had a sucessfull relationship with someone. I was either in love with them and they weren't in love with me or vice-versa. Then, when I found out they were in love with me, I thought something was wrong with them because how could they love a loser like me when they had their choice of so many other women? I always hated the way I looked, I hated my body. I always felt inferior to EVERYONE. When I look back, now, I have no idea how I even changed my opinion of myself. You're right when you said it takes a long DARN time to change (10 years). Be prepared for baby steps. Most of the time it doesn't seem like you're making progress but I always think about what I was doing the year before and then I see what changes I've made. I think the ADHD helped me a lot because I'm so adaptable. I can't think about things for too long because I get really bored. I tend to move on quickly after a set-back. I'm constantly learning and reading and changing my opinions about everything. I still don't think I'm pretty. I still see the unattractive face in the mirror but now I really don't care about it. I don't focus on it. Plus, I was always comparing myself to the beautiful people around me. Now, I just look at all the other unattractive people around me and I'm glad I'm me and not them. I just switched my focus to the positive aspects of myself instead of dwelling on all the negative aspects about myself. Plus, why worry about stuff you'll never be able to change?

I also started reading some cool books like The Celestine Prophecy and Many Lives Many Masters. It helped me put things into perspective. It made me feel peaceful. I started reading those kinds of books maybe 4 years ago and that really gave me a positive outlook on life. It made me appreciate the uniqueness about people and things. Now I want to be as different as possible. I don't want to be like everyone else.

I'm a secretary. I'm not in a leadership role (too much responsibility). I think you can be anything you want as long as you feel worthy and like you deserve everything that other people do. I have to say, that I've made so many friends in the last couple of years, probably because I wasn't scaring people away with the self-depricating insults I used to say about myself. I think it makes people uncomfortable when you don't like yourself. It's also very self-centered. I got tired of always thinking about me me me me. I got on my own nerves.

I'm talking about all this positive stuff but I still have issues. At this moment, my house is a pig-sty. I mean, I've been a slob all my life but right now I'm kinda down on myself because I feel so ashamed at how I live. I really like living alone but it's also bad because NO ONE sees the mess. When I had roomates, I at least tried to tidy up so they wouldn't think I was a slob. I never actually knew my full slob-potential until I got my own place. I feel like moving and starting over. I keep blaming my house. I keep thinking if I buy a new couch or paint the walls then that will make me want to keep it clean. The dirtier it gets the less time I spend there. I always find a reason not to go home. If someone has to drop something off, I always make sure I meet them outside before they get to the door.

I also feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'll never get married or have kids. That really bums me out but I just try not to think about it because, again, why dwell on something that you have no control over??

I know my posts are super-long and not very ADD-friendly but it's like writing in a journal or something. It's very cathartic. Thank you for listening/reading.
I have to say that these are the best message boards I've ever read. Most of the time (on other boards) people are just being mean and immature to each other but you guys are so non-judgemental and really supportive. It's what message boards are meant to be used for. Sometimes it's hard to find people who know EXACTLY what you are going through. Too bad we all can't live next door to each other!!

Andrea

Hey Andrea,

I really appreciated your post. So many things you said remind me of myself. The self-depreciating remarks and many more things on the list. I went throught the same thing about getting sick of being negative and the always me me me thing. I also got bored with my own junk. I now try to listen to others more and I really do find what they have to say much more interesting then my own stuff. I also know how you feel about the messy house. I'm married with a daughter and my house gets pretty messy, especially when I'm working 2 or 3 jobs at a time. Currently I just have one and it's given me some time to catch up with my house. It looks semi-decent right now but how long that will last I don't know. I want to get a permanent routine. I'm really trying hard with this part of my life. I think doing the work in pieces with breaks in between helps. Try just doing a little at a time and not looking at the whole project at once. It can get so overwhelming you want to run. I know how you feel, believe me. My H gets frustrated when it gets really bad and that kind of gets me moving too.

Speaking of getting married, don't think it's not possible for you. I never thought I'd find the right person and somehow I did. It can happen for you too. It sounds like you're really going in the right direction and one day you may be pleasantly surprised who Mr. right turns out to be. For me it was someone I've known my whole life, went to school with and everything but nothing happened until 8 years out of high school when we ran into each other. So you never know. Don't give up, just be yourself and the good person you are. That's what I'm trying to do in this situation I'm in at work right now. I work with some really negative, hard people.

I think I've come pretty far from where I was but sometimes being around critical harsh people sets me back alittle. I especially don't want them to know anything private about me at all, let alone the ADD. I'm just still not ready to tell people about it.

I think I may need some counseling to get past the pain of some things that happened in my past. I think until I do that I won't feel like a whole person completely. I can't afford professional counseling but a very kind and understanding Parish Priest I know has offered to counsel me. I keep saying I'm going to go and just haven't yet. I know I have to or I'll spend the rest of my life hiding in some way or other.

Thank goodness for this board and all the wonderful people here. Thanks for your post Andrea. Glad to know I have another friend on the board. Hope your having a good week. Mine has been rather strange. Can't wait until the weekend! Keep posting and take care. Dee:)