I hate to even admit this, less think about it, but when I experience suicidal thoughts (like: I wish I didn't have to live. Death would be a relief. I wish I could just sleep forever, no one would notice if I was gone anyway) I experience them as being very foreign to myself. I even tell myself, this is my illness talking.

It's me, but it's NOT me. It does not feel like ME, and I don't have the urge to actually harm myself. It's more like an intrusive sort of thing, it's my brain thinking it but I don't experience it as part of myself and although the thought of being dead sounds good (just -- the cessation of the trial of being alive) I am also horrified by it. Also, when I experience this, I am not so depressed that I can't function, I'm still sleeping, eating, etc. So I think -- am I even depressed enough to be having these thoughts? Why am I?

I don't know if anyone else experiences it like this, but is this *just* part of the illness?

Yes Amie, it's normal.

I remember feeling that way in my teenage years, I have felt that way as an adult and come close to actually doing it many times.

Sometimes it's apart of the dark depression of Bipolar. Sometimes it's because of the mess my life is in because of years of being untreated, or because of some of the hurt I have caused others because of it. Sometimes because it just sucks that I have to live this way, and I get tired of being me, hurting , hurting others, failing, and not being able to hide away enough from the world to stop it.

It's always been very surreal to me when I was like this. It is not always the part of depressioin, meaning it's a part of a rapid cycle from no where for no reason? I could wake up in a normal mood, and by the end of the day, for no reason that I am aware of I end up looking at a bottle of pills and thinking I just want to sleep forever.

It was always embarrassing for me to talk about it too, until I came here, until I was forced to see the same thing in my son. Who ended up hospitalized for it. Then it was real, and the danger of where I had been before, and where he could end up was brought home to me. Just as embarrassing as talking about the financial mess I caused myself as a direct part of my disease. It's hard, but made easier by realizing you are not alone or unique.

I don't think we can pin all of it on BP some of it goes with our past too. Often steeped full of baggage we have loaded up on , along the way. Depending on your age, your onset of the disease or severity, the mistakes we have made and the disasters, and tragedies we have faced , makes it much more of a problem than others. Being able to get past it and lessen the likely hood of reoccurence of those feelings of even the very real possibility of an attempt of success of a suicide attempt depends on , getting treatment, and finding a support system. You are in the right place.


I can say for me, my children have been my literal saving grace.
I shared, just today wiht another member who was discussing this same thing, that I can't tell you how many times I have found myself sitting in my room alone, with a bottle of pills who's combo would pretty much guarentee my demise, and looking down the hall and realizing that I would leave them behind thinking I didn't love them enough to stay. Then when they pounce on me and smother me with hugs and kisses, I know I made the right decision, the pills goes on the shelf. And the no matter how much the world outside my room or in my own mind sucks, I know I can't leave. So I fight another day to stay for them, and myself.

I have some of that when I get into my mixed states, I mean I believe I get depressed but I think that the emotional part of depression in my case of BP is prominent during the mixed state.

I just lay around for a couple of weeks when I am personally depressed. When I am mixed, I get so bad that after awhile I will start getting paranoid and will experience auditory hallucinations of people following me around and telling me to end my life.

I know that isn't part of my personality at all.