Salsa
02-27-04, 06:05 PM
I saw my doctor today and talked about the depression I've been having.
SOME RECENT CLIPS FROM MY POSTS ON A BIPOLAR BOARD I VISIT:
....I've been really low this past week. A lot of it is situational. (Looking for work and running into problems with transportation is a real biggee but there's more. I'm having more problems with confusion and that scares me.....
Just yesterday, I was helping my pastor clean her house. (She paid me). I've done this before many times. She said, "You know the routine," but I couldn't remember. I asked her to specify what she wanted me to do. She gave me a room and even then, I asked her to be more specific. It was unreal. I had to ask her how to clean her bathroom. It's not that I don't know how, but I just drew a blank and it's like I needed to be told what to do. (I started crying). Stuff like this just happens too much and too often.
I've been crying a lot this past week. So easily too. Over little things.....Today, I spent a good amount of the day sleeping-- because I simply didn't want to do anything. Things that I normally enjoy doing, I have no interest in.
I was feeling odd today too. Not a seizure. More like my mind was half with it, half somewhere else, and I couldn't think clearly for a short period/about 20 minutes. (Almost like "depersonalization"). It's like I had to talk to myself outloud (and hear my voice) to be able to think-- to be able to absorb my thoughts. I was telling myself things like, "You're not thinking clearly right now." I think I did that to remind myself that I soon would be thinking OK-- that it was temporary. I also was confused and so hearing my voice helped me to think more clearly......
.....I'm still having simple-partials (which may very well be what's been adding to the depression-- "post-ictal [after-seizure] depression" after I have a cluster of them)
......Getting out and talking to people can help too, but when I get really low (and that's where I have been), I don't even want to do that because I feel like I'm just bothering them-- like they want to cheer me up and the more they do, the more it just frustrates me because I'm not "cheer-uppable" at that point. (I just want to know that people understand. I don't want others to try and fix things because they can't and it only makes me feel like I have to fake it after they've supposedly cheered me up). That's when I'd rather get in my cocoon and sleep away my mood swing......
...The last time I saw my Therapist was earlier this week-- just Wednesday. He asked how things were going. I said, "fine."
Now I'm supposed to call and say that I'm as depressed as all get out. Either my moods are swinging fast or I'm not good at catching them and expressing them in sessions. I'd say it's probably both but it's mostly the fast swings. Just the same, it makes me hard-to-believe when I make a phone call like that after having a session just a few days ago where I said, "things are just fine."
I feel like I'm going to become "the boy who cried wolf" if I call the doctor everytime I'm feeling down. I called my therapist about 3 weeks ago. I was feeling pretty down then too. Really low. Not to the point of suicide, but to the point where death didn't sound like such a bad thing if it were to happen. (Somewhat morbid thoughts, but none that I would have acted on). It lasted about a week. The next time I saw him, he asked how I was and I told him I was feeling "fine." I was feeling about that low again the other day. Again, somewhat morbid thoughts, but none that I would act on.....and they don't last very long. On those days when I'm really low, death starts creeping into my thoughts (though just for a fleeting moment here and there) as a possible answer to my problems. I've never had serious considerations, but I just get pretty low sometimes.
I told him that I think it's related to the simple-partial seizures clusters that I've been having since taking Ritalin. I graph my seizures and moods and I am sure that there is a cause-effect relationship between the 2. Before I was taking Ritalin, I had some simple-partials, but only a few here and there. (Not in clusters). I also wasn't running into major problems with depression. I would have mood swings, but pretty much just the highs (hypomania); not the lows. (And my hyperactivity/ADHD could account for much of the highs, for that matter).
He asked me about trying Zyprexa, which is used for Bipolar Disorder, but Zyprexa will make you FAT and I've lost 20 pounds in this past year. Besides, I think it's largely the simple-partials that are bringing on "postictal depression" (after seizure depression) which can be brought to a halt by taking me off of Ritalin because that is what is increasing my seizures. He agreed.
MORE ABOUT POSTICTAL DEPRESSION: http://www.epilepsy.com/epilepsy/research_suicidal_ideation.html
http://www.aesnet.org/edu_pub/abstracts/dsp_Abstract.cfm?id=3960
We are trying STRATERRA instead, since it is not a stimulant. (Stimulants lower the seizure threshold). We've thought about Straterra in the past, but it is more expensive and there have been recent concerns about me losing medicaid. Cross your fingers.
~Sandy
SOME RECENT CLIPS FROM MY POSTS ON A BIPOLAR BOARD I VISIT:
....I've been really low this past week. A lot of it is situational. (Looking for work and running into problems with transportation is a real biggee but there's more. I'm having more problems with confusion and that scares me.....
Just yesterday, I was helping my pastor clean her house. (She paid me). I've done this before many times. She said, "You know the routine," but I couldn't remember. I asked her to specify what she wanted me to do. She gave me a room and even then, I asked her to be more specific. It was unreal. I had to ask her how to clean her bathroom. It's not that I don't know how, but I just drew a blank and it's like I needed to be told what to do. (I started crying). Stuff like this just happens too much and too often.
I've been crying a lot this past week. So easily too. Over little things.....Today, I spent a good amount of the day sleeping-- because I simply didn't want to do anything. Things that I normally enjoy doing, I have no interest in.
I was feeling odd today too. Not a seizure. More like my mind was half with it, half somewhere else, and I couldn't think clearly for a short period/about 20 minutes. (Almost like "depersonalization"). It's like I had to talk to myself outloud (and hear my voice) to be able to think-- to be able to absorb my thoughts. I was telling myself things like, "You're not thinking clearly right now." I think I did that to remind myself that I soon would be thinking OK-- that it was temporary. I also was confused and so hearing my voice helped me to think more clearly......
.....I'm still having simple-partials (which may very well be what's been adding to the depression-- "post-ictal [after-seizure] depression" after I have a cluster of them)
......Getting out and talking to people can help too, but when I get really low (and that's where I have been), I don't even want to do that because I feel like I'm just bothering them-- like they want to cheer me up and the more they do, the more it just frustrates me because I'm not "cheer-uppable" at that point. (I just want to know that people understand. I don't want others to try and fix things because they can't and it only makes me feel like I have to fake it after they've supposedly cheered me up). That's when I'd rather get in my cocoon and sleep away my mood swing......
...The last time I saw my Therapist was earlier this week-- just Wednesday. He asked how things were going. I said, "fine."
Now I'm supposed to call and say that I'm as depressed as all get out. Either my moods are swinging fast or I'm not good at catching them and expressing them in sessions. I'd say it's probably both but it's mostly the fast swings. Just the same, it makes me hard-to-believe when I make a phone call like that after having a session just a few days ago where I said, "things are just fine."
I feel like I'm going to become "the boy who cried wolf" if I call the doctor everytime I'm feeling down. I called my therapist about 3 weeks ago. I was feeling pretty down then too. Really low. Not to the point of suicide, but to the point where death didn't sound like such a bad thing if it were to happen. (Somewhat morbid thoughts, but none that I would have acted on). It lasted about a week. The next time I saw him, he asked how I was and I told him I was feeling "fine." I was feeling about that low again the other day. Again, somewhat morbid thoughts, but none that I would act on.....and they don't last very long. On those days when I'm really low, death starts creeping into my thoughts (though just for a fleeting moment here and there) as a possible answer to my problems. I've never had serious considerations, but I just get pretty low sometimes.
I told him that I think it's related to the simple-partial seizures clusters that I've been having since taking Ritalin. I graph my seizures and moods and I am sure that there is a cause-effect relationship between the 2. Before I was taking Ritalin, I had some simple-partials, but only a few here and there. (Not in clusters). I also wasn't running into major problems with depression. I would have mood swings, but pretty much just the highs (hypomania); not the lows. (And my hyperactivity/ADHD could account for much of the highs, for that matter).
He asked me about trying Zyprexa, which is used for Bipolar Disorder, but Zyprexa will make you FAT and I've lost 20 pounds in this past year. Besides, I think it's largely the simple-partials that are bringing on "postictal depression" (after seizure depression) which can be brought to a halt by taking me off of Ritalin because that is what is increasing my seizures. He agreed.
MORE ABOUT POSTICTAL DEPRESSION: http://www.epilepsy.com/epilepsy/research_suicidal_ideation.html
http://www.aesnet.org/edu_pub/abstracts/dsp_Abstract.cfm?id=3960
We are trying STRATERRA instead, since it is not a stimulant. (Stimulants lower the seizure threshold). We've thought about Straterra in the past, but it is more expensive and there have been recent concerns about me losing medicaid. Cross your fingers.
~Sandy