View Full Version : Distorted Perception of Reality


Matt S.
02-20-08, 10:19 PM
So I never got to taking the meds at all even though they were refilled.

I did sleep for two hours felt refreshed and ready to go this morning.

My reality perception is a bit off, and I am also convinced that I am not manic and just in high spirits and that people are jealous and trying to ruin it for me. I am back to believing that I don't have ADHD or Bipolar and I am getting in this mental battle with myself. I didn't want to even post because I am all paranoid about my status as a member because of something that had nothing to do with this site. I am also thinking that nobody wants to hear it.

I am convinced that the pharmacy gave me placebos and that my doctor and the FBI are in on an operation with each other to try and have me put in jail for the rest of my life, I don't know for what, I obey the law but who knows.

I think my neighbors are spying on me because I can hear them putting their ear up to the wall. I just keep saying things to myself to ground myself but I called the police on them earlier and they lied and the cops.

My online class was weird today and I emailed my professor and told him I was not going to class tomorrow, I still have 3 sick days and he will email my assignment. The instructor was tapping into my computer and she knows I come here I think because I will open another tab and come here when it is boring. I have been clearing cookies and deleting everything.

I am supposed to see my doctor Tuesday and I am scared to go because I think there are going to be people spying on me there too.

This seems to happen because of the jealousy everyone has that I am happy.

I don't know right now.

Opinions??? Please because I do not know right now, Honestly and it is freaking me out, does all of this seem delusional? I am not hearing voices or anything, like I was a couple of weeks ago, I admit I was psychotic and manic then.

I don't know I am confused I don't feel like I am remotely thinking straight at all and I cant stop thinking about certain things that are causing me issues, right now.

If I get nutty I can go to the hospital and not fail out of school, here, this school rules.

I don't know, I am lost.

despirit
02-20-08, 10:42 PM
I don't know if this relates to your situation or not but I had an psychotic episode a couple years ago. I was working at a sub shop and everyone there smoked pot. We'd always go into the cooler after we closed to smoke. Well, one day, I was on my way to work and I had to stop at a red light. A cop was behind me, and I my anxiety started to rise because my tags were out on my car. Not only this, but I had a gram of mdma powder and some non-prescribed adderall pills in my pocket that I was delivering to a friend at work. I had just smoked a few bong hits before getting on the road, also, so I was freaking out that the cop was going to pull me over. So the light turns green and I start going and I change into the other lane - the cop changes with me and turns his lights on. *****! I pull into the gas station immediately ahead of me, but the cop doesn't turn in! There was a stalled car ahead of us that he was attending to. I was relieved, but I was still shaking. I was high-strung the whole night at work, and I had been taking a lot of Adderall and we smoked a lot of pot that night. After we got out, I went and sat in my car listening to music, just trying to chill out. Well, this is where it started to get weird. I started having delusions. Every car that would drive by the parking lot was an undercover cop. I could even see people holding there hands up to little ear pieces as if there were talking via radio about me. So, I thought, I couldn't try to drive home because as soon as I pulled out they could pull me over because my tags were out. I got out of the car and started walking around the shopping center that our store was located in, and everyone I saw I thought was a cop. There was this guy just getting off work from a mexican restaurant and I was acting really sketchy to him, asking him if he had a cigarette, why he was wearing those kind of clothes. Really weird questions, and I'm sure I looked insane. I ended up calling my girlfriend and yelling at her to come pick me up because I was being followed. I was really a mess that night. The thing is, it took me a long time to get rid of those thoughts. I still believed all of the things I saw that night were real for a couple weeks after that, even though rationally I knew it couldn't be. Paranoia's a b*tch.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 01:51 AM
Yeah that is kind of where I am at, except drugs arent involved and I dumped the dexedrine down the toilet a few weeks ago when I started getting manic so it is unrelated to that too and I am not hallucinating like I was a couple of weeks ago (just kind of delusional ideas I think). I don't know, I am just in this weird thing with the ideas and it is freakish, I have been lacking sleep and I guess I will do something about it.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder for years and a 'theme' of a couple of my past episodes have been "not having bipolar disorder" but I still end up in the hospital so it doesn't have merit.

~boots~
02-21-08, 02:22 AM
Matt....as your friend, I don't think you are quite your *usual* self...

It's like you are *slightly* off kilter IYKWIM

I do think you are doing a lot better than a few weeks ago though..

If I was there, I'd tie you up and take you to the doctors :)

Then we could go to Karaoke :)

Matt S.
02-21-08, 02:33 AM
Well, I don't know what it is really... twisted.

I feel paranoid but it isn't psychotic and it isn't "dont be paranoid" so I dont know

~boots~
02-21-08, 02:45 AM
Well, I don't know what it is really... twisted.

I feel paranoid but it isn't psychotic and it isn't "dont be paranoid" so I dont know
:(
ok...I have no idea what you are going through, sorry..I wish I could help

Matt S.
02-21-08, 02:51 AM
I'm just wacked, I accept it. I might have to do a week or two in the hospital, who knows?


I hope not but if I am afraid to take the meds and not making sense and can't go to school because it has gotten that bad then maybe.

~boots~
02-21-08, 02:53 AM
I'm just wacked, I accept it. I might have to do a week or two in the hospital, who knows?


I hope not but if I am afraid to take the meds and not making sense and can't go to school because it has gotten that bad then maybe.
Matt..if you have to take a few weeks to get better, please please do it :(:(

please:o

Matt S.
02-21-08, 02:57 AM
Matt..if you have to take a few weeks to get better, please please do it :(:(

please:o

I will look into most likely if it gets worse. None of my meds look right though. The shapes are slightly off.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 02:58 AM
I hope I don't get banned because of this thread. I only asked for opinions because I don't know I didn't ask for medical advice or tried to bait Admin or any of the staff and I didn't flame anyone or anything, did I ? I don't know I cant delete the post myself or I would.

~boots~
02-21-08, 03:02 AM
I hope I don't get banned because of this thread.
:p no chance Chuckie..that's what we are here for....

2scattered
02-21-08, 03:05 AM
Going on what I know about you from your posts and what you've shared w/ us here on the forums, you don't sound like yourself at all. (Your new signature even seems a bit dark compared to what you usually use) Fearing that the government or others are conspiring against you seems to be a recurrent theme for you during a psychotic episode. (I know I don't know you personally, so I hope I'm not offending you)

I'm glad that you're able to question the rationality of your thoughts and to reach out for support, but I think you need to call your doctor or go to the hospital before you're completely buried by the delusions. It also sounds like you're not sleeping much and you're maybe off med's? I hope you're okay and you have someone near you for support.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 03:10 AM
I will eventually but it feels like mind control to me right now, and I think the government is behind that too.

~boots~
02-21-08, 03:15 AM
Going on what I know about you from your posts and what you've shared w/ us here on the forums, you don't sound like yourself at all. (Your new signature even seems a bit dark compared to what you usually use) Fearing that the government or others are conspiring against you seems to be a recurrent theme for you during a psychotic episode.
ditto

reesah
02-21-08, 04:20 AM
it sounds like a tough time, and more manic and afraid than really happy if you know what I mean.

my outside perspective is all.

reesah
02-21-08, 04:25 AM
meds may be mind control but it's mind control YOU choose, so that you can get through "regular life", not something the gov't forces on you. right now you can take them and be the one in control of your mind. theres nothing wrong with being in control of your own mind!

just wanted to tell you what I thought. hope things get easier soon.

SuperChan
02-21-08, 04:22 PM
Just a question Matt. Are you diagnosed "Bipolar" or as having "psychotic Bipolar Disorder"? I was reading an article (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2003/04/030401072212.htm) and it made me wonder based on your statements you've been posting.

Which ever it is, I hope that for you, the "twisted" part gets over soon. It sounds very exhausting.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 04:52 PM
My recent hospital stay was for Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Manic, with psychotic features.

That is the DSM version of what is wrong apparently. I am still off and will come up with a plan at some point.

Sleep Deprivation is what makes me psychotic, I don't start the episodes out like that.

justhope
02-21-08, 07:20 PM
Matt, sorry you are going through this. I agree that there is something a little off kilter, but not as noticable as before. I am glad they are not as severe as before. I think you have just been through a lot and that is making worse. It doesn't help to hyperfocus on it all, and not sleep. I have never had a psychotic episode, but I have had some really weird experiences not having sleep for days. Perhaps all that together is causing a "minor" episode?

Are you not taking the Seroquel anymore either? I understand the Dexedrine thing, although I don't throw my Adderall away, I do refrain from using them when I feel the up cycle coming. I guess if you try to not focus on everything going on recently, and don't feed it, and perhaps trying to take something to sleep, and don't feel better, I would call the doctor.

I hate to see you struggle all the time, it has to be horrible to be aware of it and not know what is real, what is not and want to stop but not be able to.
Well heck that is kind of having Bipolar period isn't it? But adding that paranoia kind of thing must be just awful. I don't know how you do it Matt, you are very strong.

If you don't mind me asking, since you brought up struggling with med compliance, what is the longest you have been on meds at one time?

Hang in there. And keep talking through it.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 07:46 PM
If you don't mind me asking, since you brought up struggling with med compliance, what is the longest you have been on meds at one time?

2 years.

The_Colossus
02-21-08, 08:01 PM
I like that new Avator. I do however miss that kid getting owned by the cat. His face was so great, everytime I saw your posts I'd end up watching it atleast a couple of times. Made it hard to make replies if your post was last as my attention would turn to it constantly.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 08:18 PM
Thank you, the thing about the animated gifs were that they started to annoy me so I trashed them and now it will rotate with various things.

justhope
02-21-08, 08:50 PM
Thanks Matt...did you still have these episodes when you were med compliant, or was that when you were younger and BP hadn't progressed?

I know it's hard to be med compliant, I understand it only because I had read it in regards to males especially because the mania is so euphoric and it's easy to believe the lie that you are well. Unlike the majority of us girls whose mania's suck as much as the depressions. At least for me, perhaps it's more fun for the BPI females, but for me it's about the same. I am horrified about not taking my meds, and I mean if it's close to the time I am running out and I don't have the money or forget to call and make an appointment to get refills etc. My life was so unbearably uncomfortable with the mood swings and anger. I never knew how bad it was until I didn't feel that way everyday of my life. And I never realized how many people I hurt especially my husband and children until I was at my worst, done the most damage, and after I leveled out and saw the fallout. So I am just trying to understand.

Is it that you have never found meds that work well for you without causing side effects or shutting you down since you started to struggled wiht the psychotic episodes so you don't like taking them? Or is it that the mania's convince you that you are well? I hear some of that from you. I am just trying to figure out why you won't be med compliant when this really sucks for you? I am not blaming or pointing fingers, or being sarcastic, I am really trying to understand it and wish I could help.

Matt S.
02-21-08, 08:56 PM
The grandiosity and delusion convinces me that I am above it all, sometimes they don't hold up and most of the time it is a matter of feeling better and not needing them or telling myself that.

My psychoses which started within the past couple of years have led me to believe that I am not mentally ill a couple of times.

justhope
02-21-08, 09:10 PM
Oh okay. Gotcha...man that is a toughy. I wish I could help more. At least you are talking about it, and asking if what we think since we know you and can kind of see if things are headed in a different direction. Not sure what to do once that starts, cause I know even for me , in mania it's often not going to go well if someone points it out? Like HOPE log out...you are manic and driving us nuts...etc. So it's good to see you trying to avoid a meltdown, or ask for input, or see that you are struggling with perceptions and realities? That has to stand for something going right? Right?

Matt S.
02-21-08, 09:12 PM
I am sort of in Limbo on the mania, not nuts but still there slightly with the delusional ideas.

justhope
02-21-08, 09:26 PM
Well your attitude is good, for someone going through that mess. I guess it could be worse. I am headed home now. Please go to your appointment Matt. I know you don't want to but please do! You do deserve some peace in your life.

Again, hang in there.
I will see you soon.

Good night

Hope

Matt S.
02-21-08, 09:35 PM
I'm uppity and grandiose again, the paranoia seems to come in waves, I will be posting till 3 a.m. so if you can't sleep Hope (or anyone) post on because I will be wound still. I guess I have to admit that I am manic since that's all I have been hearing. My schoolwork is done which is good.

justhope
02-21-08, 09:41 PM
Well at least you are honest? If I am having issues sleeping, (which I don't often anymore, cause my little green pills work wonders, hint hint :p) I will keep you company. Well if you are going to be in mania, at least you are doing something worth while, most of the time when I am, I get nothing done I need to, like house work or bills etc. I do mindless , fun things....for hours and hours like an obsessive nut....so again, at least you got something productive done. :D

Ok..well 8 minutes until I am able to leave the "Hotel California" as I call it here.....:rolleyes:

I just noticed something "new" about you ....wow it never ceases to amaze me how much I miss the obvious things..but catch the minor details...LOL ..
you know what I am talking about right? Not just the avatar that is different.
I think that might help! Good decision, btw. ;)

Night :)

~boots~
02-21-08, 09:44 PM
:)
It only just changed Hope...like 2 minutes ago...so you are very quick :)

Matt S...hugs
xx

Matt S.
02-21-08, 09:45 PM
The name change...:D, I have gotten so many PM's asking what mspen1018 meant and I guess with my state it was intolerable you know the irritability... plus it will help Hope you are right :D

Matt S.
02-21-08, 09:47 PM
10 to 1, I end up signing in with the old one a million times, it is a routine...

~boots~
02-21-08, 09:49 PM
10 to 1, I end up signing in with the old one a million times, it is a routine...
it took me ages to get used to my new name..I save my username but not the password on my login :D

Matt S.
02-21-08, 09:51 PM
Yeah I will have to do that, good idea

Matt S.
02-21-08, 10:20 PM
Well at least you are honest? If I am having issues sleeping, (which I don't often anymore, cause my little green pills work wonders, hint hint :p) I will keep you company. Well if you are going to be in mania, at least you are doing something worth while, most of the time when I am, I get nothing done I need to, like house work or bills etc. I do mindless , fun things....for hours and hours like an obsessive nut....so again, at least you got something productive done. :D

Ok..well 8 minutes until I am able to leave the "Hotel California" as I call it here.....:rolleyes:

I just noticed something "new" about you ....wow it never ceases to amaze me how much I miss the obvious things..but catch the minor details...LOL ..
you know what I am talking about right? Not just the avatar that is different.
I think that might help! Good decision, btw. ;)

Night :)

It's good to have my Cycling Sister on board to keep me company if she can't sleep.

You are such a sweetheart Hope :D:):D

justhope
02-22-08, 02:21 PM
Well sorry I didn't make it in. While I often miss my manic friend, that kept me up until all hours doing fun things .....I love sleep, and not being grumpy more! I was fast asleep before midnight. So I am happy to see you made it through the evening. And thank goodness Tracy is on another time zone and here when most of us are sleeping! I am sure I will be online this weekend, I get some peace and quiet tomorrow while the boys are off wrestling at another tournament! aaaah.


Thanks Matt....:)

Matt S.
02-22-08, 02:25 PM
Yeah I was on and off last night, cleaning and youtubing it (that is how I can stay manic and sit at a computer, it is snowing here so I stay in and hide). Joking about pink pumps with Tracy.

added like 8 people to my friends list too, Manic seems to attract friends, I guess. I am glad that it is staying positive now. I had a few hours of sleep, got up and OCD'd it and then, well, feeling like a wild animal in a cage because of the weather, kind of want to be out and about.

Oh well.

justhope
02-22-08, 03:40 PM
Well you made it! Glad Tracy was around to help you out, she is a good egg!
And I can be manic and sit in front of the computer too. In fact I do very little moving when I am manic, I do the hyperfocus thing...for hours. So on a normal night doing pictures, or maintanience on the computer, it would be about 2 hours, manic 12 ...yikes. I wish I could muster energy to clean my house for 12 hours...!

Yes when mania is in it's "good" place, I find more people want to hang out, you know the wild stories, great jokes, quick witted comebacks...it's got a piped piper , charasmatic hook to it.

It's snowing here too Matt. 4 inches since about 12midnight. And still going.
This time every year, I understood why my mom didn't want to move back up north from Texas. I am antsy, and ready for spring, like most of us who live with the snow!

Matt S.
02-22-08, 04:14 PM
I am antsy, and ready for spring, like most of us who live with the snow!<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

I am too, cannot wait. The downfall is no matter what, meds or not, I am generally hypomanic until like November and I always hate to see that go. I lost a bunch of weight this past winter (45 pounds) and I am going to look like stick in the summer, but hey at least I lost it, was getting pretty fat.

I know off topic, still up so.

Oh yeah, took Seroquel 200 mg this am, didn't touch me.

justhope
02-22-08, 05:21 PM
I have a tendency to lose weight in the winter, when I am depressed more, have some mild seasonal depression, and gain it in the spring when I am "happier" ....I flutuate about 10-15 lbs....go figure.

Well I am proud you took it, they are at least appearing to be the Seroquel and no looking like something suspious you shouldn't take? That is good right?
How far up can you go on them? I know 200 knocked Keenan flat out, but he hadn't progressed that far yet.

Matt S.
02-22-08, 05:31 PM
I have a tendency to lose weight in the winter, when I am depressed more, have some mild seasonal depression, and gain it in the spring when I am "happier" ....I flutuate about 10-15 lbs....go figure.

Well I am proud you took it, they are at least appearing to be the Seroquel and no looking like something suspious you shouldn't take? That is good right?
How far up can you go on them? I know 200 knocked Keenan flat out, but he hadn't progressed that far yet.

They were old 100 mg ones I had from 6 months ago, and I knew they worked so I took 2, called the doc and told him too. :D

Matt S.
02-22-08, 06:09 PM
Another note to that Hope since I can't edit... I went on the diet from doom to get rid of this weight, it is the sitting around versus the out and about all summer that will make me thinner, I will be able to eat more but unless I induce it or go off of medicine, I don't get too manic in the winter, it did warm up briefly :D

Hi guys how are ya??? I noticed you two were here while I posted.

reesah
02-22-08, 06:55 PM
where I live I swear everyone is manic all summer ... its no joke to live through the grey wintertime we have and the first sunny day everyone is runnin around outside making big summer plans!

you sound a lot better.

amiegrace
02-22-08, 07:12 PM
Matt, you are mspen, okay! I thought the 10-18 was cool because my daughter's birthday is Oct. 18th --

Just a few days ago I was getting paranoid and thought how strange it was to "know" logically that something is wrong, because, really, why would other people have this overwhelming interest in me that they would be talking about me, when we all know how self-absorbed people are?! But the problem is that it seems as real as the nose on your face.

I experienced a mania with full blown psychosis, like I've said before, I'll avoid the details because they are hugely embarrassing, but I was on the run and had the responsibility for making sure the second coming came off right (I bought a king-size chocolate bar because Jesus is the King and I thought he'd be hungry when he got here, and a fig newton because they ate figs in the New Testament) and I was just totally convinced that it was going to happen, and glad because life sucked at the time. When I got to the hospital I was refusing medication because "they" were trying to poison me. Some reason crept through, though, and I took the meds.

Matt, it probably won't help for me to tell you that stuff is not real, because right now, it is real to you. I can only say, if you take some meds you might change your mind. Your logic is telling you your reality is skewed, and I say for right now you go with your logic. And I promise I am just a BP special education teacher with ADD and the mom of a toddler, not an agent of the govt' :) :)

Matt S.
02-22-08, 07:36 PM
Thanks guys I am not paranoid anymore but I am still up and chipper.

Yeah this is the member formerly known as mspen1018, October 18 is my birthday too.

I have had numerous PM's asking me what mspen1018 meant and I needed a change because of other things so it helped.

SuperChan
02-22-08, 08:15 PM
Matt, it is good to hear a chipper you.

Since you are feeling better, do you have any plans to have a good time this weekend (and still get some sleep;))?

Matt S.
02-22-08, 08:24 PM
Matt, it is good to hear a chipper you.

Since you are feeling better, do you have any plans to have a good time this weekend (and still get some sleep;))?

I am pretty fueled up on the old manic brain chemicals right now, and I acknowledge it too which is good but the Seroquel calmed me a little bit this morning, not much just the delusional part of things.

The plans for the weekend thing is subjective, solely based on the weather.

justhope
02-23-08, 02:17 PM
Glad you are feeling better. Kudos on telling the doc about the Seroquel, and for taking it. Sounds like it has helped some.

I missed your post, I never got back in. Home and sleep early. Think the depression was trying to sneak in. But it helped to keep me on my normal sleep schedule, to bed earlier and up earlier. Which helps keep the mania at bay.

It is beautiful today. Wish the temp was as warm as it looks outside. The sun is beeming for the first time in about a week or so. There are piles of snow on the ground and I think it's probably about 30 or so, but I managed to open all the blinds and was not disappointed to see no sun coming through. The boys are off at another meet, so I thought I would catch up no what is going on here. I really need to make it a point to get outside today to suck up some of the sunshine, no guarentee it will be here tomorrow. I am ready for Spring.

Matt S.
02-23-08, 02:33 PM
It is beautiful today. Wish the temp was as warm as it looks outside. The sun is beeming for the first time in about a week or so. There are piles of snow on the ground and I think it's probably about 30 or so, but I managed to open all the blinds and was not disappointed to see no sun coming through. The boys are off at another meet, so I thought I would catch up no what is going on here. I really need to make it a point to get outside today to suck up some of the sunshine, no guarentee it will be here tomorrow. I am ready for Spring.

It is about the same here and I got some sleep too, I am still up but, you know. I am glad to hear that you are doing so well Hope. You are a really nice person and I admire your character. I always appreciate and enjoy your posts, you are both supportive and honest. I benefit to hear what I do not like to hear sometimes and I am glad that your feedback is usually put in that perspective.

justhope
02-23-08, 04:14 PM
Sleep always helps, even if it's a small amount.


I really do want to be helpful here, including saying things that people might not want to hear. I do it more direct and blunt with people I do care about or talk to often. I find I need to be that way with Bipolar's in general, just have to watch what mood swing they are in, and which one I am in, or it can turn out badly.

Thanks for the nice compliment.


But rest assured, I am far from perfect or always doing well. I just don't come here when I am really steeped in it. Not because I don't think I will find the support or because I think I am better than others. Just that I often need face to face support when I am that bad, or I don't want to bring others down with negativity or go off if I am manic and hurt someone's feelings.
I don't often come here and share, or read and leave with a bad feeling. I always find a post or a thread or a PM that let's me know people care , have been there, understand, and have made it through. So I always try to be supportive, even if I don't necessarily feel like it or sometimes when I need it myself. Helping and offering support, more often than not leaves me feeling better myself.

Almost time for the boys to get home, and I am going to go outside for awhile, I think. If I don't move soon, I will be glued to the chair..LOL

Matt S.
02-23-08, 04:29 PM
I don't often come here and share, or read and leave with a bad feeling. I always find a post or a thread or a PM that let's me know people care , have been there, understand, and have made it through. So I always try to be supportive, even if I don't necessarily feel like it or sometimes when I need it myself. Helping and offering support, more often than not leaves me feeling better myself.


I agree, that helps me a lot too. I am glad that you are here actually, you have been supportive to me since I have come here and I appreciate that. You are real and being blunt and direct and honest is why I respect you because you don't come here and act better than others. You do however, show members that you can live with and manage a terrible illness after going through hell and back and still come up on top and IMHO you are coming out on top with this.

Matt S.
02-24-08, 01:25 PM
Just that I often need face to face support when I am that bad, or I don't want to bring others down with negativity or go off if I am manic and hurt someone's feelings.

I am the opposite, I feel like if I tell people (even the "friends" that I party with when I am manic) that I have bipolar disorder, that it subjects me to unnecessary judgement and also the possibility to be preyed on. I see it as a weakness of mine, to be unable to control my moods and when I was open about bipolar disorder, I found myself being taken advantage of a lot (when I was young and naive) during my altered mood states and people are easily able to get away with taking advantage of me when they are aware of it so they can avoid legal action by saying that I am "crazy". These people are probably one's I should've elaborated on in my sadistic PD thread but I just choose not to be open about it because I have been traumatized repeatedly due to that and people were able to get away with serious crimes, those events I believe led to me being as 'dysfunctional' personality wise as I was. I honestly don't really care that any of that has happened though, I guess I must've deserved it, you know karma, I was a rotten kid and as long as I don't have to see these people and be reminded of it, then all power to them. I mean they got away with it and I don't feel guilty about it happening to me (I am so glad I am not getting specific, it is kind of disturbing), so whatever, I guess.

But I wanted to let you know a little bit about as to why I don't have a lot of "support" as far as that goes, I told someone I thought I could trust on some level that I was bipolar and this person took my psychotic behavior personal, which is their problem. I have a doctor and therapist, that works well enough for me.

blueyeyore
02-24-08, 01:31 PM
I have a doctor and therapist, that works well enough for me.

I'm with you on this one, Matt.

justhope
02-25-08, 05:03 PM
I understand what you are saying, and that is what I mean as well. I mean that is I am really bad in a depression that might be severe of produce sucidal thoughts or mania that can lead me into trouble. I talk to those I trust in my support circle, but I find the need to often call, have them come over or go to them.

I don't annouce anything and don't discuss with those who wouldn't understand, or judge me. I can see from your perspective being young at the time of your diagnoses, and at that time it was really in the darkages. It was months before I told my boss. I have worked for him for 9years and I never had an issue discussing my ADD, when I started my meds again. I told him so he would understand some of my mood changes. I had a hard time with my diagnoses of BPII , even though I came from a family and friends with it and a family who worked with the Mentally Ill. So there are not many people who know at all. Strangers who find out , ususally find out because I over hear them talking about a family member dx, their own dx or childs and I want to help if I hear them struggling. And I am prone to drop it on people who run thier mouth in a negative fashion about people , like they are nuts , should be locked up, not have kids , or it's bogus. There have been some at work that have known me for years , and I drop it on them so I can educate them in thier ignorance quickly. They never knew, I appeared normal most of the time. Other than that, it's a select few that are a safe haven for me.

Matt S.
02-25-08, 05:23 PM
It is hard to tell with me too, when I am manic I have friends that are partiers and often when I get psychotic they assume it is drugs and because that goes along with mania in my situation, it is often kindling (especially when it is cocaine and/or alcohol). My appearance changes with mood, as it has recently and it is a good indicator to people too.

People for the most part perceive me as an individual because I am definitely a weirdo (luckily in the appealing sense). The mixed state is when I start making calls, I feel so miserable like that and I am one of a kind. I have posted on other forums in my mixed states and if I could post links, everyone would understand why it is a good idea that I do not come here. If anyone wants to see it just google mspen1018. I am not nice at all, or "sick" at that time either.

I like the internet as far as support goes (here, specifically) because I am able to connect with a few people who understand and that I can trust and it feels better than the embarrassment of having to feel like a 'sick person' with people who either don't know or don't understand.

amiegrace
02-25-08, 07:17 PM
Most people don't understand, and their lack of understanding makes a lonely place much lonelier.

I don't share much with people. Most people gossip too much anyway. I have a few beloved trustworthy friends/family that I can go to. LOL, most of them have mood disorders and "get" me, at least in some way.

adhdogwalker
02-26-08, 12:53 AM
Hi Matt! I'm chiming in sort of late on this thread-- I haven't been posting much as I've been having my own horrible battles with moods & meds not working.

As for the distorted perception of reality-- that happens to me. Last episode was just a few weeks ago. I kept getting more and more and more agitated until I felt like I was climbing out of my skin. I had a huge flip out and was convinced that the psychiatrists were plotting against me and if I went to the ER (fiance called the psychiatrist, said I should increase Seroquel and go to ER because they could give me something to calm down there), that they would strap me down and give me shots of Zyprexa. I started screaming that there was no way in hell I was going and that if they gave me Zyprexa, I would be trapped inside my body and I would be paralyzed and fat. I can't even remember what else I was going on about, all I do remember was that it was really delusional and paranoid and involved some sort of psychiatric conspiracy against me. And there was a whole big part about rice pilaf as well.

The Seroquel definitely helps with the delusions, but if I don't take enough, they gradually creep back in. I've given up on taking more Seroquel for the moment, because I don't see the point. I feel like I'm always taking more and more and more drugs and I'm still f**d up and miserable. I'm not too agitated anymore, but I'm horribly depressed. Some days I can pretend to be ok if I have to talk to people on the phone or see them in the street, others I can't speak to a single person. I try to hide and avoid people as much as possible when I feel like this. When I muster the strength to call people back, I tell them I have a migraine and speak in a soft voice so I don't have to talk to them for long.

A few people know that I'm bipolar, but not too many. I have never said anything to my family about it. They all think I'm crazy, but not revealing to them that I'm "officially" crazy makes me feel better. I worry that my clients think that something is not quite right with me and I try to hide it as much as possible. I try to text message them instead of speaking with them and they're generally at work when I walk their dog, so I don't have to see them too often. I have 1 client who is a psychiatrist, 1 who is a psychoanalyst, and another who is a therapist. I get a little nervous every time I'm around them and am always fearing that they can tell that something's wrong with me. Perhaps this is just a bit of self-consciousness on my part. Somehow, I can manage to show up and walk the dog, so I suppose they figure that since I'm always very reliable that they can overlook the mentally ill side of me.

Matt S.
02-26-08, 01:12 AM
Thanks adhdogwalker for replying to my thread, you saved me from flaming someone in one of those anti-drug threads, I did tell him to get off of the site because he's just a mouthy attention seeking troll, but yeah, I need the distraction.

My mood leveled down a couple of days ago for now. I am taking the meds, you know how that is.

I am sorry to hear that you were having a rough time too, I hope all is better or good enough at least, I have to learn to settle for good enough, that is my problem. If you are on and having a rough time feel free to PM me, I will always reply okay. :D

adhdogwalker
02-26-08, 12:33 PM
Thank you, Matt. You're response means a lot to me. I'm glad you're taking meds & they're calming down. Paranoia and delusion sucks. At least for me, the worst part is, when the Seroquel gets rid of it and I finally gain some insight into my most recent episode, I just feel like a total idiot and completely embarrassed. I try to laugh at myself for it, but there's another part of me that is saddened by the fact that my mind plays tricks on me. Even when I think I have a firm grasp on reality, I end up questioning it later.

The_Colossus
02-29-08, 12:26 AM
Its not necessary for you to post links as we all know what happens when in mixed or extreme manic and paranoid states. Plus its sad seeing someone in a very bad condition, especially a nice guy like you.

An added bonus of telling people on the web is if they don't get it or give you a hard time you can just leave the forum and never talk/see them again. That is a luxury that you don't have live.

Matt S.
02-29-08, 07:33 AM
Its not necessary for you to post links as we all know what happens when in mixed or extreme manic and paranoid states. Plus its sad seeing someone in a very bad condition, especially a nice guy like you.

An added bonus of telling people on the web is if they don't get it or give you a hard time you can just leave the forum and never talk/see them again. That is a luxury that you don't have live.

No I was making reference to how I post on other forums when I am in that state, plus some of my ideas.