Disclaimer: I am, absolutely not, encouraging or even mildly condoning any form of self-harm. I'm hoping to share an adult's perspective on a very emotional, and often incomprehensible act.Not many can explain, or talk about their reasons - most are (with the best intentions in the world) chased into keeping their actions in the dark, like a dirty little secret, because they are made to believe that its weird. Disturbed. Scr*wed up. Sick.If sharing brings one person to a better understanding... I'd have accomplished a marvelous thing.I wrote this letter to my husband - who still doesn't understand.



[Some background...

I'm in my 30s. I have a brilliant job, get regular promotions, earn enough money to buy a active, fun lifestyle. I run a successful photography business in the hours that I don't work elsewhere. I'm happily (?) married. I had a pretty normal upbringing. I don't suffer from depression, personality disorders or any other mental illness.

Pretty averagely normal, on most levels, however:

I have ADHD and I believe its made me who I am. I laugh more than normal people. I despair more than normal people. I live more than normal people.

And I cut myself.]


********
Darling T,


So, I "self-harm".
f*ck's sake.

Trust the establishment, to come up with a term so banal and grotesque, it instantly makes you want to throw up your arms, run around in circles panicked and screaming.

For this reason, I never discuss it with you, or anyone. Not that I mind, in the least, to be shocking, or controversial - but this is not about rebelliousness.

Its just that its tedious.

I'm tired of trying to break through your (and every other human beings) almost primal HORROR at the sight of self-inflicted wounds.

Impossible to have an intelligent discussion with someone, whilst every fibre of their being, every concept they've ever learnt, is shrieking at them: "Nutter! Crazy nutter person!" (or any other kind pseudonyms "disturbed"; "mentally ill". Whatever, take your pick.)



Taking a razor blade, or a scalpel and cutting into my skin, is so much more than "self harm".

Its an act of empowerment. Its an act of penance. Its an act of retribution. Its the ultimate expression of mourning.


At times, its a release, on a level that transcends any remedy, therapy or common sense:

Heartache and anguish, are such abstract notions... You cant touch it, wipe it... or heal it.

Like a thought... or a dream... and, like thoughts and dreams, we can almost imagine that they are not there... that our hurt and anger are merely figments of our imagination..

But, seeing my own blood raise to the surface, swirling in the water... soaking into cloth, is as if I'm giving an abodiment, to my pain.

The bleeding, raised welts on my body, are real.

The burning agony is tangible, visible.

The shock I feel, as cold metal clefts skin - the way my breath catches in my throat and my heart starts pounding - is comprehendable.

The instinctive FEAR that rises in my throat as I repeat each cut - is surmountable.


The very act, of seeking out an area of skin, the decision over how deep, how far apart each cut is made, is a cerebral, considered process - that soothes the screaming, confusing rage and hurt within.



And the decision over when to stop... or whether to continue, is the ultimate regaining of control.

*****



There are times, when I am so dumbfounded by the intensity of the emotional horror I am feeling that there IS no other release, than slashing into my skin.


How do you cry when you had to wrench your mother's dying body from a car wreck, her life snuffed out in a blink of an eye?

How do you mourn such an unspeakable tragedy? How do you move on from the emptiness?


I could, to a fashion, sever the crippling sorrow, by feeling its burning sting - seeing blood seeping out of the cuts... watching the wounds slowly heal, painfully... and finally, the scabs falling off, leaving pale scars, forever on my hand...

******

When my world around me, falls apart... when your words singe and burn me and the agony of being with you, makes me want to run away and hide like a scorched animal.... then the pain of broken skin is a relief.

The wounds become a shelter - physical pain is so much easier to bear than crippling emotional bleeding that never heals.

*********

I don't want to make excuses any more, for the intensity with which I FEEL and the intensity, with which I express those feelings.

My life is a wild, raucious and exciting ride of joy, fulfilment and love.

But, you must allow me the darkness and pain too.


For otherwise, I will just be numb, poisoned by the heartache, until I can't feel anything.




M.

I am unsure how to respond and I feel I am not alone in this - I also understand you are trying to educate others about this particular behavior - from what I little I have learned it is not as uncommon in ADDers as many of us would like to believe - according to my ADD doctor it is often an response to built up anxiety - the physical pain releases the internal anxiety some how It made better sense when he explain it to me than it is with me trying to repeat the explanation.

I noticed you posted this in the relationship area so I am guessing you are discussing this in how it would effect relationships. . . You would be correct it does. I have a daughter who has a history of self injury - self injury is not only difficult for others to understand quiet frankly it is scary - it can be very scary for a loved one because some of the cuts can be so deep.

There is the scares ,the explanation of scares, cuts, hiding and umm avoiding the truth, which causes anxiety which begins the not so merry go round round - so we are talking vicious cycle.

Here is some information for those readers who are interested in more information I like the way these were presented.

Understanding self-harm (http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm)

Self-injury (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html)

From a loved one perspective it is difficult to understand and accept this because people who love you hurt when they see you hurting Then to find out you do this to your self on purpose it can feel like you are hurting the ones you love on purpose - I know this is not the case but only because I researched it and asked questions. I felt like when my daughter hurt herself she hurt me too so she would try to hide it because she didn't want to hurt me but she had a hard time trying to explain this behavior or her horrified mother. . . . not a good place for either of us.

The sites I hyperlinked can be places for those who injure them selves to go and find out more information them selves. I purposefully avoided sites that automatically pathologies the behavior because I do not see that as being useful to you and the more objective site are equally educational for those reading who wish to understand . . . . .

i know where you are coming from because i used to do this for many years. i know for me it was a release. The cutting made me feel better. i found out it's because pain causes a release of some chemical in the brain that makes you feel better.

i, too, used to hide it. Not because i was ashamed, but because it was a private thing and i didn't a) want to have to explain, and b) didn't want people thinking i was suicidal. It was never about a want to die. i simply had a total inability to self-soothe and when the frustration and emotion became too overwhelming, i had to have an immediate way to calm myself. Actually, i came accross it completely by accident as a teenager.

As of now, i have not cut myself in about 4 years. i have a husband who found out about it and simply...helped me find other ways to cope. And i am very grateful.

Thanks for the links meadd - I engage in all kinds of "self harm" that stop short of drawing blood. Didn't know if that counted, because usually self-harm is associated with cutting. Still - the reasons for doing it are the same. I assumed it was just self-hatred, but I am beginning to see it is much more than that. Somehow it provides a temporary relief or distraction from feelings that I cannot cope with.

I don't cut myself, it has never appealed to me at all personally, but I think that I can understand why people do. It would be nice to push all of the emotional pain to a physical surface, where you can see it and more directly deal with it. Does it kind of validate the emotions in a way?

I do things like bang my head on the desk when I'm really frustrated, and occasionally scratch at my skin with my nails (not enough to draw blood though), but I don't know if that counts as self-harm.

This is very interesting and something that I recently discussed with a friend.. I have not personally ever been a "cutter" or done any real self harm, but I will admit to being a compulsive nail biter, "picker" (I am constantly feeling my face and hair for something that shouldn't be there such as pimples or split ends)... I have chewed my fingernails at times to the point where I can't even wash dishes because my nail beds hurt..

I will also admit to at times when I am extremely stressed or anxious that I have visions or "fantasies" if you will, of taking an Xacto knife to my throat or wrist.. Please believe me when I say that I have never EVER had a desire to actually do so, but for a quick second when I am totally overwhelmed its somewhat of a brief distraction and interrupt of the current chaos..

So, is that a form of self harm? I think maybe but I also think all of it really boils down to the same thing...

After hearing about the cutting trend I started to question my own weird thoughts and wondered if they were related.. Now keep in mind that while I would never do such a thing, I can sort of in a way totally understand why some people would find it cathartic..

I also am sad for those who have gotten to the point of putting "the blade to the flesh" for real because I can only think that their state of mind has reached even a more critical point than only "thinking" about it..

Just my thoughts... And again, I am not advocating self harm of any kind as an acceptable release NOR do I have any intentions of it myself.. I just (in a weird way) don't see it as shockingly foreign or as that uncommon to justify anyone who is to feel ashamed enough to seek help..

I would hope that someday soon it would be as easily an accepted symptom of a psychological problem as "crying" and not put in the same category as papering your walls with aluminum foil because the aliens are trying to activate your chip..

Now before anyone jumps on me, I will also say that anyone who is not willing to have their chip activated should not be denied the same compassion as anyone else.. I just think thats probably further down the road when it comes to global acceptance ;)

Listen to this song, it is called "cut" by a beautiful woman who goes by "Plumb." I still cry when I hear it.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4ZcGprPP5I&feature=related

I didn't find that graphic at all, quite the opposite.. I may have overlooked the emotional intensity of it because the photography was absolutely stunning and I found myself unable to focus on anything else but the great visuals...

I am curious to know whether or not this was professionally shot and produced, or if it was the work of an amateur.. Because if it was, they are in my book "no amatuer"..

Very nice, thanks so much for posting the link... Enjoyed it very much as odd as that sounds..

Listen to this song, it is called "cut" by a beautiful woman who goes by "Plumb." I still cry when I hear it.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4ZcGprPP5I&feature=related

People usually think 'cutters' are crazy because one of our major basic instincts is to stay alive and not let ourselves come to harm.

I've never felt like I needed to cut myself and can't really imagine what that would be like. Not trying to judge anyone, it's just kinda hard for me to understand.

People usually think 'cutters' are crazy because one of our major basic instincts is to stay alive and not let ourselves come to harm.

I've never felt like I needed to cut myself and can't really imagine what that would be like. Not trying to judge anyone, it's just kinda hard for me to understand.

That actually was totally my point.. For me (and I am not a cutter either) its hard to understand why certain behaviors are considered crazy and others are not.. Setting aside the whole separate discussion as to exactly what "crazy" does or should mean..

I think I have learned, or at least tried to learn, that all pain is relative.. After thinking about this topic, I can probably say that I am grateful that I can't imagine what it would be like to be in the state of mind that would cause me to become a cutter.. However, I do feel that after learning about others and myself that just because I am not a cutter that whatever pain I may have is not as severe..

Just as I would not suggest to someone who in my mind is WAY better off than me because they have not experienced the same level of trauma that whatever trauma they do have does not hurt just the same to them..

I guess a good analogy might be that there is a person who has lost a beloved pet and its the worst thing that they have ever gone through.. Then there is a mother who has just lost a child, it is truly the worst thing that has ever happened in her life..

But the pain for both actually is the same, for both people it is absolutely the worst experience of their life.. Maybe the person who has lost their pet will go on to have another loss in life and that will put the loss of their pet in a different perspective.. And maybe the mother who lost her child will go on and either experience or witness an ever greater pain in life..

It doesn't matter, if someone is in pain, they are in pain.. If its the worst pain they have ever experienced, even if it is nothing compared to someone else's, its still the worst that THEY have had to go through..

Sorry, kind of got off on a tangent there but I was basically agreeing with your post, that is can be very hard for most people to understand things that they cannot relate to...

So much of my deal is the feeling that I want/need to be punished. I am ashamed of what I am and what I do (in general) - - there is no escape from all of this shame and disgust I feel because it is hidden, secret. By digging my nails into my arm, for example, I feel satisfaction, a moment of relief - by being punished, I am released momentarily from the shame. I press harder and harder, and sigh and smile. As though it makes things right - even if it's only for a very few minutes - as long as the marks remain.

Now, I'm not saying that this is healthy thinking or behavior, because it is not. But I am in therapy to tackle these things and try to change my skewed view of myself and the world. Just wanted to try and describe something of what it's like.

Thanks for those posts hermit and Attain. Kinda gives me an idea on what it must be like.

I think one of the problems is the stigma and views the general public have on this kind of thing. Sounds like it needs to be out in the open a little more so people can at least try and understand a little bit. It's not nearly as weird/crazy as I thought before I read the two previous posts...I can even see how it makes sense in some way.
(sorry if someones already mentioned the above points, can't remember if I came up with it on my own or I read it above :P)

I've never felt like I needed to cut myself and can't really imagine what that would be like. Not trying to judge anyone, it's just kinda hard for me to understand

I respect the heck out of your honesty, and I share this feeling with you.

I think many people find this difficult to understand

I can sort of relate to the feeling being angry with myself almost to the point of hate, thus feeling the need to punish myself.

My daughter says this sort of the same but it is different. . . .

I love my daughter but I must admit I do not fully understand her. I have learned that loving some one doesn't require understanding every thing about them. I have learned there are portions of my daughter I have to accept as being part of her.

She has a history of this behavior to the best of my knowledge she is no longer self harming. I do know enough to realize that this behavior is some thing many if not most hide from their loved ones because our lack of understanding is so obvious. I think my daughter would hide this from me not out of a desire to deceive me but because she knows it scares me and makes me sad inside. My fear and sadness only increases her guilt and shame thus increasing the anxiety - geez what a freaking catch 22. . . it is awkward no matter what end of this you are on.

I also understand most people want to be accepted by the people who are important to them and do not want to be seen as "crazy" thus rejected - so even the revelation is difficult , especially when it comes to telling fiancée /spouses/life partner

I am my daughters mother pretty safe bet I will love her any way I always will but we just don't have these same guarantees when it comes to spouses/life partners ect . . . I never appreciated until this moment how difficult this must be. . . .

I feel like bringing this into open forum was difficult for the member to do which is why I felt the need to respond honestly to the initial post with some thing helpful and appropriate. I have done some research into this because of my daughters history but researching is a far cry from actual experience

Like person quoted above I don't fully understand I do not pretend to. I am willing to listen and accept my obvious limitations - I am willing to accept others feelings and expressions without the need to measure their life experience against my own.

Everyone,

I've read everyone's responses - and I'm glad I posted.

Apart from obviously reaching out to others who do simliar things - I was most interested in talking to those who DON'T or, DON'T understand...

And your honest and heartfelt responses, [meadd823 in particular...pls see bottom of post]had highlighted a few things.

[On the happier side, everyone, it may sound like I'm a veritable chopping board - my experience comes from at most seven incidents in the past 10 years.]




I would hope that someday soon it would be as easily an accepted symptom of a psychological problem as "crying" and not put in the same category as papering your walls with aluminum foil because the aliens are trying to activate your chip..
;)

Attainthon,

Apart from making me laugh my head off - you have, with a short quib, hit the nail on the head better than anyone:

Self injury meets with such a POWERFULLY NEGATIVE response from others, that it chases injurers into hiding.

Suddenly, something you did in private, quietly trying to cope with your emotions, banishes you into a dirty, secret world of hiding your "shame".

Someone with ADHD who takes street amphetamines is "self medicating". Why is this not considered with such revulsion / shock / incomprehension? Surely, in the long run, the SELF INJURY caused by contaminated drugs, is far, far worse, than cuts in your skin, which heal?


Ditto smashing your fists in a wall till the knuckles crack (some ADHD men I know).


Ditto blunting the pain with alcohol. No need to elaborate on the damage done here.


Ditto binge eating chocolate. The damage done to yourself by being overweight, is far more catastrophic long term, than cuts on your skin.

Most people grow out of it. But I hazard a guess, its because they find other "more acceptible" ways (pick any of the above) to self-medicate (injure).

Not because it brings better relief - but simply because it doesn't shove them into the darkness of 'unacceptible behaviour'.


Meadd823
....to find out you do this to your self on purpose it can feel like you are hurting the ones you love on purpose ...


Meadd823,

Here, is where I have to bite the bullet, and be brutally honest with myself (and with you):

There are times, when self-injury is (IN ADDITION TO A RELEASE FOR YOUR OWN PAIN) a way of EXHIBITING it, in a very graphical sense, to others who would not otherwise understand the DEPTH and INTENSITY of your despair.

I'm an adult now, so I can see what a cruel, selfish, MANIPULATIVE thing this is... especially when the person you're "showing", is a parent.

In my original post, I mentioned that when being with my husband becomes too unbearably painful, I've cut myself.

I'd be dishonest, if I say that his shock and horror upon discovering (weeks later) what I had done, didn't somehow feel good... I WANTED him to see how much he hurt me... and since he can't see inside...

I have cut myself before once, mine was to commit suicide and I can still feel the scars. I have sleeve tattoos to cover the appearance and it was two clean straight cuts so you can't see them anymore (thank goodness)

I went straight down from elbow to wrist on each arm and I remember waking up and feeling so angry when I was in stiches (it hurt too because I hit tendons, veins and arteries, I could barely move). I was in a mixed state for a good month or two and it would not die and I just wanted the hell to end and being saved from having all of my pain end was miserable.

I can't relate to the habit of doing that but a friend of mine from high school was an avid cutter and she seemed to have things very controlled, she wasn't dramatic or emotional or anything and she was a good friend of mine, she said it kept her in control.

So I can sort of understand and even though my personal situation involving self harm may be different, I still have scars, I can feel them and go right back there. I imagine that scars on a cutter feel the same way.

There are times, when self-injury is (IN ADDITION TO A RELEASE FOR YOUR OWN PAIN) a way of EXHIBITING it, in a very graphical sense, to others who would not otherwise understand the DEPTH and INTENSITY of your despair.

I'm an adult now, so I can see what a cruel, selfish, MANIPULATIVE thing this is... especially when the person you're "showing", is a parent.

In my original post, I mentioned that when being with my husband becomes too unbearably painful, I've cut myself.

I'd be dishonest, if I say that his shock and horror upon discovering (weeks later) what I had done, didn't somehow feel good... I WANTED him to see how much he hurt me... and since he can't see inside...

Thank you for stating this so well and so honestly. I have done this also, many years ago - it was one of the few times that I did make real cuts because at that time I wanted it to be visible - for the person to see - hoping they would understand how bad the pain inside really was. They didn't.

But I hazard a guess, its because they find other "more acceptible" ways (pick any of the above) to self-medicate (injure).

Not because it brings better relief - but simply because it doesn't shove them into the darkness of 'unacceptible behaviour'.Absolutely. It is possible to keep ones-self under a state of constant punishment, to the complete unawares of everyone around you. I refuse to take care of myself physically (ie. healthy eating, sleeping, exercising or hygiene habits) or do things for my own spiritual or mental well-being - - and all the while I'm under an endless internal barrage of negative thinking, self-criticism and "verbal" abuse.

It's very interesting to think this through. I don't think I realized until now that all of this self-punishment could be in fact self-medicating. Wow. Going to have to ruminate over that.

http://i214.photobucket.com/albums/cc312/busyhermit/scratchchin.gif

I so feel you on this...reading through your words I could feel the blade on my our arms I used to do this and did it not for attention but for the release of pain and anguish it gave me...my heart pounded reading and remembering the feelings....good song frazzle dazzle so so beautiful!!!!!!! I cannot agree with cutters for there is a better way through god he has opened my heart and mind and shown me to right path in dealing with things......be good to your self and look for another way i urge you life is precious and only given once never again can you have a second go at life....

So my motto is live every day as it was your last!!!!

I used to cut and scarred myself for life, but then i just stopped, not really sure why. A lot of people self-harm, if you think about it. Same hurts, but we're judged differently depending on how we deal (or don't deal) with it. Should be the opposite way around. I'm not really sure how to respond to this post, all i can say is that i hope you heal from what you went through with your accident and your Mum dying the way she did. I can't imagine what that would be like so its useless to try and say anything about it.
Much love.
:)

Disclaimer: I am, absolutely not, encouraging or even mildly condoning any form of self-harm. I'm hoping to share an adult's perspective on a very emotional act that is not readliy understood. I hope telling my story will help someone else, know they are not the only person out there who self harms in some way.

I am no longer self harming, i found help for my self, I did it, I found the docotr ( by accident) on a self harm site I was doing research on, but I did it!

"YOU CAN DO IT , Chris" Dr B last words to me while in a meeting with my parents before discharging me... So all of you know, I am 49 now, this happened when I was approx. 38 ... it is never to late to stop!
I give you my doctors word, " YOU CAN DO IT"


I understand SELF Harm... There are many people out there who still perform the act of hurting themselves or who performed the act at one time in their life.

****** How do I know ?
****** I use to self harm, about ten yrs ago. I had friends leave me. No one seemed understand the concept of hurting ones self. I dont think I understood it my self. I dont even think I knew what I was doing at the time. ( and there are other ways a person can self harm, not only cutting)

People who dont self harm, dont understand. I went through a program in Illinois called Now Change in a Psych Hospital specifically designed for individuals who self harm, use alachol, and other issues.

Since I live in Ohio, and it seemed every one was against me, I did research on self harm, ( for all of you who have put up links, most people who SH, already know the links, we have done t he research or joined groups to talk to others who self harm, because no one else understand. ) We need a sounding board, to talk to someone who has been there or is there. To get on with this ... I showed my parent one night the handouts from the library of this hospital. They agreed to take me. I wanted to stop, but didnt know how by myself.

To learn to stop, one must change their thinking, when you change your thinking, your actions change. This was the best thing I ever did for myself. My pyschologist check the hosp. out and told me if it wasn not accredidated he would not have let me go. Goood Ole Mike.... Thanks

There I learned the Dialectial Behavioural Therepy way of life. I had a team , of doctors and counslor and a dietician who taught me the techniques of this therapy, things changed slowly, my eating changed which has a lot to do with how you think, my biggest challenged was my realationshiop with my parents and learning to like who I am.

Now I am working on the inner child if you want to call it that, I need to get rid of some of those old thinking from childhood, i was also beaten up and ridecule at school so oI have a double whammy to deal with not just sh.

One thing I learned in a therapy seesion was most people who self harm also are abused in some way during their lifetime...

Therapy, support systems, and lowest dose of medication can help while getting over the tough parts of working through itl.

Lets not referr to the person behaviour by calling them a cutter, they are a person first and foremost. It is the behaviour you are referring to not the person.

We teach people how to treat us , thing how you might like it if you were called a cutter, then everyone else would refer to you as one... I hate that word, I am not a cutter, I am auntchris, I use to hurt my self through cutting , but no longer... Think before you speak please.

Lets not referr to the person behaviour by calling them a cutter, they are a person first and foremost. It is the behaviour you are referring to not the person.

We teach people how to treat us , thing how you might like it if you were called a cutter, then everyone else would refer to you as one... I hate that word, I am not a cutter, I am auntchris, I use to hurt my self through cutting , but no longer... Think before you speak please.

I am sorry to have offended you Chris (in:re my post and use of the term "cutter"). I should think more wisely in my words. I can empathize, I feel from the inside of my elbow down to the bottom of my wrist almost daily and it brings back the pain I felt that day, plus the rage I felt when I was saved. I can say that although I have two scars, that is on my psych history and I am often referred to as someone who is a 'cutter' because of that.

I hate labels myself, so I should practice what I preach, especially because in a way I am a hypocrite given my choice of methods to use to take myself out.

On a more productive note, I found that tattoos allowed me to be able to wear T-shirts, sleeve tattoos may be a little extreme but hiding scars because I felt weak and embarrassed about it wasn't pleasant either.

I am sorry to have offended you Chris (in:re my post and use of the term "cutter"). I should think more wisely in my words. I can empathize, I feel from the inside of my elbow down to the bottom of my wrist almost daily and it brings back the pain I felt that day, plus the rage I felt when I was saved. I can say that although I have two scars, that is on my psych history and I am often referred to as someone who is a 'cutter' because of that.

I hate labels myself, so I should practice what I preach, especially because in a way I am a hypocrite given my choice of methods to use to take myself out.

On a more productive note, I found that tattoos allowed me to be able to wear T-shirts, sleeve tattoos may be a little extreme but hiding scars because I felt weak and embarrassed about it wasn't pleasant either.


Matt, I didnt mean you in specifically, I was talking to the community to be considerate of others feelings.

I remember once I was call " whitey" and yes I am white, I was crying at the bus stop and a African American teen made that remark... I turned around and said to her, " would you like it if I called you blackie" Meaning in a different connotaion... She said NO ... and apologized... Wow...that was the first time that ever happened in my life time... some one apol. for calling me a name....

Matt, i know people who cut also refer to them selves as cutter but the majority hate that name... Thanks for the post.

I know this is off-topic, but I had wrist surgery on both wrists when I was in my twenties. Even after the scars had faded, someone would still ask me what happened to my wrists. Sigh.

I know this is off-topic, but I had wrist surgery on both wrists when I was in my twenties. Even after the scars had faded, someone would still ask me what happened to my wrists. Sigh.

Most likely , they thought you self harmed since in todays society it is a way of life for some people. Including me ten years ago... People dont want to come out and ask if you SH>... they try to be polite some times and ask a general question... I am glad you had the surgery... I might have to myself, had are tingling when I wake from sleep, or just during the day for no reason... I think it run up to my shoulder on my right side,,, Ouch... I am glad you are better.

If you have had surgery or self harmed at one time or have scars for whatever reason, Mederma is a great solution. It comes in a cream form now. It is a salve to put on scars once they have no scabs. It will lighten the scars and in some cases if used regularly get rid of them. I does cost, so check out the cheapest stores like Marcs where I live.

Cutting releases endorphins in your brain which act as a painkiller, thus giving you a high. Vicodin would be a much safer way to achieve similar effects, without the blood. Though that may be trading one addiction for another.

There is a good book by VJ Turner called Secret Scars: Undercovering the Understanding the Addiction of Self-injury. I'm not sure if self injury is best characterized as an addictive behavior or a compulsive one (perhaps similar to folks with OCD who have self harm obsessions but don't act on them -- ADDers are a lot more impulsive and more likely to act on obsessive thoughts). Either way, I think Turner's suggestion of using the 12-steps to escape the the self injury trap is a really good one. I know some folks were able to end not only the behavior but the obsessive thoughts leading to it.

She also does a pretty good job of explaining the why of it.

I WANTED him to see how much he hurt me... and since he can't see inside...

Then why hide them for weeks - if in reality you wanted him to see how much he hurt you? Fresh cuts would have made more of an impression then ones that were weeks old. As morbid as that may sound it is factual truth.

I do not really understand the reasoning at all - I am sure there is one which is why I am asking. I do not ask to be mean I am trying to understand this from your point of view -sens I have nothing to compare your experience in my own life to then my only recourse is to ask straight out

My daughter tried to cover hers up, then she tried to lie about it. Maybe you do it for different reason than she does. Is this possible?


It is the behaviour you are referring to not the person.

Yes but more than this one person experiences this behavior.

Is there a politically correct or specific medical terminology we should be using when we refer those who self harm by cutting as a group ?

I have ADD I do not have a problem being called an ADDer nor does it bother me when the label dyslexic is used to discuss specific LD dealing with reading problems - both are labels used to categorize specific traits - they help ensure all are discussing the same set of traits.



I too have been labeled for the purposed of being insulted or stigmatize but I do not see that happening here - all I see are people trying to understand -



I understand this is a sensitive issue but I was under the impression that this was a chance to have an exchange with some one who could help us better understand those who cut them selves for reasons other than suicide. Getting mad and defensive and comparing what we are doing with racial slurs makes it very hard for those of us trying to learn to continue wanting to.

Please do consider some of us are dyslexic as well as ADD. English writing in order and communicating in a way that resembles a complete thought is hard enough as it is without having to walk around on "wording" eggshells.

Post disclaimer :
~The above post was written by the ADHD humanoid described in the signature title below, she alone is responsible. This post in no way represents the thoughts,opinions or feelings of said title~

Then why hide them for weeks - if in reality you wanted him to see how much he hurt you? Fresh cuts would have made more of an impression then ones that were weeks old. As morbid as that may sound it is factual truth.

I do not really understand the reasoning at all - I am sure there is one which is why I am asking. I do not ask to be mean I am trying to understand this from your point of view -sens I have nothing to compare your experience in my own life to then my only recourse is to ask straight out

My daughter tried to cover hers up, then she tried to lie about it. Maybe you do it for different reason than she does. Is this possible?

Hey Meadd823..

I see your straight questions as a sign of respect more than anything. I would feel insulted if I had taken the step of speaking openly, and it is not reciprocated.

So please be as straight/brutal as you have to be..



Firstly - ofcourse there are many different reasons for doing it....but in response to your question, I will focus on when its aimed at a specific person. (in my case, my husband)

I too hide the cuts. I too lie when asked about the cuts.

I don't FLAUNT the cuts at him, because (quite contrived) I don't want to appear to be so utterly manipulative. (Or admit to myself?).

However, if I really, really, really didn't want anyone to know what I had done, EVER, I would cut myself somewhere completely inconspicious. For example.. my feet..


THINK OF THIS EXAMPLE: you write a diary with your private thoughts.. and then 'accidentally' leave it to be found by someone. You probably actually persuade yourself that it was accidental.. but if you're really, really, really honest - you planned it.


(Can I just stay, that EXPECTING this level of honesty/self knowledge is too much to ask of most people.. even more so teenagers... I would NEVER have admitted these things, even to MYSELF, when I was younger.
In fact - I don't expect most people even understand WHY they do it... )

ANOTHER REASON FOR HIDING IT (when you really want someone to see it) is that it was a good idea, in the heat of the moment. However, once the release is there, calm and reason sets in.. and then you DO feel embarassed about it...

I hope your daughter knows how much you are trying to understand. She will one day.

I would say that just giving her space, NOT getting emotional/angry/freaked about it (sorry, i know its cutting your heart out), and letting her know that you don't UNDERSTAND, but you are ACCEPTING that she has to figure it out for herself is the best you can do for her.

She knows what she's doing is 'wrong'. She probably beats herself up about it more than you can imagine. (viscious circle) She probably can't figure out herself why she does it. (or don't want to think about it).

As long as she knows you are there when she needs you - she will come to you.

Lets not referr to the person behaviour by calling them a cutter, they are a person first and foremost. It is the behaviour you are referring to not the person.

We teach people how to treat us , thing how you might like it if you were called a cutter, then everyone else would refer to you as one... I hate that word, I am not a cutter, I am auntchris, I use to hurt my self through cutting , but no longer... Think before you speak please.

As for labels - I initially felt uncomfortable with 'self-harm' and then wondered about 'cutter'.

However - lets be sensible about it. We are all intelligent human beings, here to learn/share and progress.

If we get precious about labels - we can get ourselves into such a twist, that we won't be able to SPEAK FRANKLY any more...

I can't think of ANY words that sit comfortably... self-injurer sounds patronisinig.. self-harm sounds like psycho speak...


We are all grown-up enough, to distinguish between a "label" used as an insult... and a label used, for lack of a anything better!

over the past 7 years, i became quite a masochistic little freak (at the peak of my self-harming). i used to literally dig holes into my skin because i hated myself and how i could never get things right. like i would dig CRATERS. ha ha (ha, it's really not that funny). :eek:

now that i've learned to deal with this energy a bit better, i can see that i was physically attacking myself to release the negative energy caused by others, instead of responding to their selfishness by "attacking" them emotionally to send the feeling back where it belonged. :mad:

i now make every attempt to deal with problems like this *long* before they start. i can quickly spot the types of people that i know will create such feelings within me, so i disconnect from them as quickly as i can. the problem exists primarily with females that i associate with, that attempt to control me and use my resources by leading me on or baiting me in obvious ways. :rolleyes:

back in the day, before i really knew what was causing it, i would let these people use me and abuse me physically and emotionally without getting anything satisfying in return from them. hence, i was letting them create a void that *should* have been filled by the "give" in "give and take" ... but they definitely focused on the "take" and that was about it.

so, i decided to take it out on myself for the sake of making things worse. because of the way i was mistakenly needing these people in my life, things weren't adding up, and i had to balance the equation somehow ... without hurting them (because i *mistakenly* thought i needed to keep them in my life). :confused:

i've grown out of that phase, but only because i have consciously made the choice to *stop* letting new people in, unless they can prove their legitimacy beforehand. i'm now set on the idea that if someone really cares to have a bidirectionally free-flowing positive relationship with me, they will be able to completely convince me of that, long before they try to get *anything* out of me. so far, so good. no cuts, no craters, no blood. :cool:

~laz

oh and fyi --

i used my *face* as my SH medium. it didn't leave much to the imagination, nor did it make it easy for me to hide it ... since the holes were frequently up to 2-3mm deep and sometimes 5+mm across, spanned across my face and neck. it was a war zone. it was really serious at the peak of my SH phase (i would spend hours--even falling asleep--gouging holes in my face). :(

luckily, everything somehow healed without scarring. the only legitimate scar on my face now is a chicken pock from when i was 6. only god knows why ...

~z

This whole thread welled up inside me, and now is flowing out, just like the "aha" moment last year when I was Dxd & read about ADHD for the first time. [The Dx fit perfectly & made sense. The resulting depression too.]

The top of my head is a war zone. There is more . . . lots more . . . I thought it was a way of booting up the computer, numbing deeper pain, releasing stress or anxiety, or "refreshing my brain."

I've thanked, from the bottom of my heart, a lot of the posters above who've been or are in the same place.

I dig holes . . .

I draw blood . . .

I've pressed blades against the arteries, the heart & elsewhere . . .

I push nails & sharp objects into my hands, soles & calves w/o cutting . . .

I've compressed my temples as if between a Chinese torture device . . .

I punch walls or a desk with my fist occasionally . . .

I self-harm in conscious & probably subconscious ways . . . judging by the results.

Only a few have seen me do this but episodically and certainly not the whole toolbox. I've done no harm of that kind to others ever (well maybe just once as a kid).

I never had put it together in my mind. I just did it, and it seemed "harmless" if not helpful. Thanks to all of you for making me find & helping me round-up these scattered animals into a holding pen. Cutting to the chase:

What do I do now (besides C'in the pdoc)?? :confused:

I think a DBT based therapy program would work wonders for some of what I see being described in here, it teaches ways for people to live more balanced and promotes emotional regulation, mindfulness and more effective ways of dealing with interpersonal effectiveness (manipulation--->the right way). For some people the ways they handle distress is to abuse themselves.

So that may be something to look into to help you.

Well, when I was in the situation, I was not senisble. I was in another world. Self harm sounds alot better than cutter.

No professional would ever address a person as a label like cutter. Why should we. I agree we are here for help. I am not trying to argure the situation of a label, I am trying bring awareness that there are those that are sensitive to label.

whether it is one, or 100 times it is still self harm. So if someone would ask you ... yes you have self harmed.
There should also be a disclamer on your post... because it is graphic. I could not read the complete post because of the detail.

As for your friend she was most likely calm because she was cut ting. One doesnt get dramatical or hyper about it, ppl who self harm try to hide it, they do not want others to know. I finanally gave in and told my dance teacher, from there the hard times began... I wanted help. I wanted her to talk with me, she even spoke with my doctor with my permission. I was in dance class with her 7 hrs a week, in classes and helping the the kids on saturday. She need the information how to handle my moods. On top of that, I started Perimenopause early... what a time...

I don't FLAUNT the cuts at him, because (quite contrived) I don't want to appear to be so utterly manipulative. (Or admit to myself?).

However, if I really, really, really didn't want anyone to know what I had done, EVER, I would cut myself somewhere completely inconspicious. For example.. my feet..


Ahh See I knew there was a reasoning I was missing – this makes perfect sense.


ANOTHER REASON FOR HIDING IT (when you really want someone to see it) is that it was a good idea, in the heat of the moment. However, once the release is there, calm and reason sets in.. and then you DO feel embarassed about it...

Hmm how perfectly ADD – okay this to makes sense also .

I appreciate your willingness to openly and honestly answer my questions.


I would say that just giving her space, NOT getting emotional/angry/freaked about it (sorry, i know its cutting your heart out), and letting her know that you don't UNDERSTAND, but you are ACCEPTING that she has to figure it out for herself is the best you can do for her.

My daughter knows I love her acceptance and forgiveness are encouraged in our family. I have never claimed to understand but my emotional reaction have been any thing but well balanced. It either bugs me to tears or I distance myself – I have some issues myself which my daughter is well aware of. Perhaps why I am so verbally up front is to compensate for my inability to show feelings in an emotionally “balanced” manner.

The emotional mom wanted to protect her from every thing including herself but logic dictated this is impossible so I sought professional help –


I became personally interested in this discussion because I feel like you can probably help me understand this method of release in ways my daughters would be unable to. Having an objective discussion minus the distraction of overt emotions would be impossible between a mother and a daughter –



She knows what she's doing is 'wrong'. She probably beats herself up about it more than you can imagine. (viscious circle) She probably can't figure out herself why she does it. (or don't want to think about it).

My daughter is very self critical – although she can appear the opposite she experiences a lot of self doubt and becomes angry with herself very easily –





so, i decided to take it out on myself for the sake of making things worse. because of the way i was mistakenly needing these people in my life, things weren't adding up, and i had to balance the equation somehow ... without hurting them (because i *mistakenly* thought i needed to keep them in my life).


This strikes a familiar cord, My daughter used to hang around people that would treat her like crap – nothing I said or could do would convince her she didn’t need these losers in her life. She has fewer friends but better ones. Her husband is a wonderful man who will help her maintain good personal boundaries.

I too hide the cuts. I too lie when asked about the cuts.

I don't FLAUNT the cuts at him, because (quite contrived) I don't want to appear to be so utterly manipulative. (Or admit to myself?).

However, if I really, really, really didn't want anyone to know what I had done, EVER, I would cut myself somewhere completely inconspicious. For example.. my feet..


THINK OF THIS EXAMPLE: you write a diary with your private thoughts.. and then 'accidentally' leave it to be found by someone. You probably actually persuade yourself that it was accidental.. but if you're really, really, really honest - you planned it.(Can I just stay, that EXPECTING this level of honesty/self knowledge is too much to ask of most people.. even more so teenagers... I would NEVER have admitted these things, even to MYSELF, when I was younger.
In fact - I don't expect most people even understand WHY they do it... )
ANOTHER REASON FOR HIDING IT (when you really want someone to see it) is that it was a good idea, in the heat of the moment. However, once the release is there, calm and reason sets in.. and then you DO feel embarassed about it...

I hope your daughter knows how much you are trying to understand. She will one day.

I would say that just giving her space, NOT getting emotional/angry/freaked about it (sorry, i know its cutting your heart out), and letting her know that you don't UNDERSTAND, but you are ACCEPTING that she has to figure it out for herself is the best you can do for her.

She knows what she's doing is 'wrong'. She probably beats herself up about it more than you can imagine. (viscious circle) She probably can't figure out herself why she does it. (or don't want to think about it).

As long as she knows you are there when she needs you - she will come to you.

So perfectly stated. The contradictory nature of it - it is even baffling to me - the person doing it. It adds even more to the guilt and confusion - trying to understand why I self-harm. Sure there is the element of self-punishment that I spoke of earlier, that part is clear and easy to understand.

Less clear is the fact that it "feels" like I am attention/pity-seeking, something I have suspected, but how can that be when I never let anyone see what I do? ... But, impasto, you have explained it so well - I see now that that is indeed what I am doing. I desperately WANT someone to know the pain I'm in. But in the end, for a variety of reasons, I cannot let it be known.

You'd think it would all seem pointless then wouldn't you? But I just realized that deep inside I harbor this idea that SOMEDAY it will become known what I do now, and THEN will be the "payoff". What payoff? I don't even know.

I just realized something else, as well. Attention/pity-seeking is something I've always seen in myself. It is one of the things I hate most about myself. I find it to be absolutely disgusting, nauseating - so of course I must deny it. It is the opposite of all that I have ever aspired to be - which is completely independent and needing no-one. Wow. Another internal conflict. Is a desperate desire for attention and nurturing manifesting in a variety of self-harm activities? I don't feel I deserve love and nurturing and hate the fact that I might need such things. I don't feel this need openly, I won't allow it, but evidence suggests it is there. End result? Depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and hidden self-harm.

I really want to thank everyone for participating in this thread - this is a big, big issue that I've never found anyone I could discuss with before. It's helped me to understand myself better.

I never had put it together in my mind. I just did it, and it seemed "harmless" if not helpful. Thanks to all of you for making me find & helping me round-up these scattered animals into a holding pen. Cutting to the chase:

What do I do now (besides C'in the pdoc)?? :confused:

Therapy, my man. As insightful as I may think I can be - I have never been able to change my negative thinking and internal conflicts on my own. Never. Cognitive behavioral therapy (plus antidepressants) seems to be making a real difference. These internal conflicts must be resolved for me to gel into one balanced person - instead of being a walking battleground.

Intense. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

In some cultures, in times of grief it's accepted to rip one's garments, wail and scream openly, or actually harm one's self, and it's not seen as "sick", but as an acceptable outlet for the passions we can't keep a lid on.

Maybe you're a person of intense depth and life inside your flesh is too constraining. Maybe you're manipulative. Maybe it's both. And more. I think you can spend your whole life trying to figure this out and still have more to learn.

Thanks piglet... wow your smart.