View Full Version : Schizoid Personality Disorder - Information Please


Bluerose
02-23-08, 10:55 PM
I was diagnosed in the early 90s with a schizoid personality disorder. I would like to discuss this disorder and learn more about it. I have been on and off meds for years. I feel quite well and wonder about the effects of this disorder as we get older.

I appreciate any views and information anyone might like to share.

theta
02-24-08, 12:51 AM
Its one of a list of disorders that has a lot over lap with each other. Such as
with schizotypal personality disorder (SPD)and aspergers. Though one difference maybe that a person with schizoid personality disorder may not want close relationships but in the other conditions it may just be very difficult to obtain.

Personally I live so isolated I feel(SPD) and really do not worry about it. I'm curious about pro-social drugs though. I've tried oxytocin nasal spray but its short half-life make useful field testing impossible. Carbetocin is a longer acting oxytocin analog thats available in the UK. Though I think only as an injection and an injection may not cross the blood brain barrier as a nasal spray
seems to do.

http://www.nastech.com/nastech/carbetocin

SuzzanneX
02-24-08, 01:58 AM
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx30.htm


......try this. :)

Bluerose
02-24-08, 04:48 PM
I'm a bit upset and confused. I was in a forum talking about this and I was accused of being a fraud. I don't know how to show proof of what I was diagnosed with. I have been dealing with this for over thirty years. I manage much better now than I did in my twenties and thirties. That's why I'm curious about this disorder and how age affects it. I know what I was diagnosed with, I know what I'm getting disability for, and I have been dealing with this for over thirty years. I'm looking for anyone who is prepared to discuss this with me.

Bluerose
02-24-08, 05:16 PM
I have another problem just now. I have a fourteen year old grandson living with me, because of problems in his life in the past he can get quite down. He is having some trouble going to school. The problem is that I don’t feel too good at the moment, it doesn’t usually last long, but I recognise the signs, one of which is not getting much sleep. I don’t know who to speak to about this because I don’t want anyone thinking that I can’t take care of him. I have thought of talking to my grandson and explaining that I’m not feeling great and that I need him to help me by doing what he can to make things easier for a while. I hesitate to do this but I feel a tuff time creeping up on me. Some advice would be really helpful here.

theta
02-24-08, 06:28 PM
I was in a forum talking about this and I was accused of being a fraud.

I have another problem just now. I have a fourteen year old grandson living with me

I doubt your a fraud but remember what I said about overlap of SPD with other conditions. Having a grandson would mean you have a group of criteria
for SPD that could easily apply to other conditions. Aspergers for example would not have been widely known in the UK 30 years ago.

Bluerose
02-24-08, 06:54 PM
"Having a grandson would mean you have a group of criteria for SPD that could easily apply to other conditions. Aspergers for example would not have been widely known in the UK 30 years ago."

Can you tell me what the connection is with me having a grandson?

I went through a bit of a bad spell middle of January. Things were okay again until I was upset by some remarks on another board, I feel like it's a little set back. I just need to try and get a good sleep and I should be able to manage this.

theta
02-24-08, 08:19 PM
Can you tell me what the connection is with me having a grandson?


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

DSM-IV criteria for SPD(4 or more):

1. neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family

2. almost always chooses solitary activities

3. has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person

4. takes pleasure in few, if any, activities

5. lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives

6. appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others

7. shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

1,3,5 would make relationships that lead to children unlikely. Even in asperegers where 1,3,5 do not apply there is still large enough social dysfunction that having children would be the exception not the rule.

The remainder 2,4,6,7 could apply to a large number of conditions: anhedonia, social anxiety, schizophrenia, aspergers, schizotypal personality disorder, etc

On an aspergers site I have seen a person who was diagnosed SPD who better fit the aspergers diagnosis. So even in modern times doctors get the diagnostics wrong.

Anhedonia is a type a depression that often does not respond to typical antidepressant treatment. There is experimental research on rest leg drugs
having anti-anhedonia effects. Not sure if they are long term effective though.
What drugs treatments have you used over the years?

SuzzanneX
02-24-08, 10:13 PM
Originally Posted by Bluerose http://www.addforums.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=551442#post551442)
I was in a forum talking about this and I was accused of being a fraud.




How rude, mean spirited, and tacky.

....that's enough to make you schizo huh?

*hugs*

Bluerose
02-24-08, 11:48 PM
A brief history, violent abusive childhood, oldest of five, dad committed suicide when I was 19, I married, had three children, married twenty years, now divorced, I have four grandsons. In thirty years I have had five or six hospital stays, on and off meds, filled in forms for disability in 91. I struggle to remember all the dates.

In the beginning, early twenties, was treated for severe depression, the schizoid diagnoses came in 90. I don't remember the names of all the meds I was put on but I was on carbamazepine the longest, and something else because I heard voices. And I have been with my doctor about twenty years, she doesn't push treatment on me or meds.

Today after reading a lot about this I understand it better and can manage it myself most of the time. When I feel the need my doctor prescribes Tamazipan and Prozac, I asked to try Prozac. I'm still on again off again with meds always have been and always will be. The Tamazipan helps me sleep when I'm not doing too well. I must sleep. If I get over tired I find it increasingly difficult to function. Sleep is important.

Since reading other people's accounts of this disorder I realise I have been very lucky. It might have taken a while before I was diagnosed but once I was everything became so much easier. Doctors were understanding and helpful in that they didn't pressure me into anything. I can't take pressure. I only got here because it was my way or no way. Over the years I have learned what works for me.

theta
02-25-08, 06:03 PM
because I heard voices.

Sounds more like schizotypal personality disorder. An online friend of mine in London and myself made an online schizotypal personality disorder test from a public domain test. (link below)

http://www.themachine1.110mb.com/

Yeah I hear you on the need for sleep. I'm extremely dysfunctional when I have insufficient sleep.

Bluerose
02-26-08, 05:06 AM
My sister used to be my main support, but now that my daughter is older she has become my main support. I called her yesterday, she came round and we had a chat. She offered some good suggestions about getting my grandson to go to school (it's just after 8am here and he got up, ready and out to school with no trouble at all), my daughter also got me some shopping, and while she was doing that I did a tidy up and went for a bath. Things feel like they are back on track. But I did pop a pill yesterday (Prozac). I might try to take them for a little while just to get past this.

Thanks for the encouraging words and the links. I have on occasion doubted the diagnoses and wonder if it could be something else, but I hesitated to make any enquiries because it was a long hard road and I didn't want to go through all that again. So I took what they said, and I took the pills, all the time thinking about just trying to be 'normal'.

Bluerose
02-26-08, 05:23 AM
Theta,

This is the result of that test. I would also like to come back with a comment on each question if I may.

Ideas of reference 4 out of 9 Unsure 0
Excessive social anxiety 7 out of 8 Unsure 0
Odd beliefs or magical thinking 5 out of 7 Unsure 1
Unusual perceptual experiences 9 out of 9 Unsure 0
Odd or eccentric behavior 5 out of 7 Unsure 1
No close friends 9 out of 9 Unsure 0
Odd speech 8 out of 9 Unsure 0
Constricted affect 7 out of 8 Unsure 0
Suspiciousness 5 out of 8 Unsure 0
Total SPQ-A 59 out of 74

Bluerose
02-26-08, 06:46 AM
I did this Jung Typology Test and this was the result.

The Portait of the Counselor (INFJ)

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.


Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).


http://keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=ke...=3&c=counselor

theta
02-26-08, 07:16 AM
I would also like to come back with a comment on each question if I may.
Total SPQ-A 59 out of 74

You may. 42 and above suggest schizotypal personality disorder. A number of people offically diagnosed on the autism spectrum have scored high on that test to. Its still possible autism spectrum maybe a better description of your situation.

Bluerose
02-26-08, 10:24 AM
This is my comments to the questions in the quiz. It might provide some insight into where I am coming from. Forgive me for dissecting your quiz but this helps a lot in my understanding and rationalising of events.

I used to think my experiences were supernatural, but now I connect my experiences more with a disorder. ... I have and still do experience a sense that some person or force is around me - a presence. I'm not religious but while visiting my mum and stepfather he suggested I talk to his priest which I did. The priest talked to me for a long time and convinced me that I was not crazy, he said he knew of a lot of people with these experiences. I still had some doubt but it helped me at a time when I needed a little understanding. ... I have to admit I can't stand anyone walking close behind me, and in cafes or restaurants I must sit with my back to the wall. ...

Occasionally I'm worried that someone might know what I am really thinking because of looks or gestures being misunderstood. ... I often experience a change of image in the mirror where I look older or younger. ... I do get concerned about people being loyal or trustworthy. This is what works for me today; I will hold my hand out to anyone once, twice but not a third time. The same goes with asking someone to do something for me, I'll only ask them twice. Thankfully - I am the oldest of five, we all have children and our children have children, they understand me if not my disorder - I do not experience disrespect from my family. ... I used to believe in psychic abilities and even thought from time to time that that might be what I was experiencing. Today, after reading a lot about personality disorders, I choose not to believe in psychic abilities and know that there must be another explanation for these experiences. ...

I used to hear voices a lot and it scared me. This particular aspect seems to have faded but I can still experience it occasionally in certain anxious situations. ... I avoid most people therefore I avoid being thought of as 'bizarre'. ... I do find it very difficult to be emotionally close to other people. ... I often ramble on too much when speaking. ... I used to feel like I was struggling to keep control. A psychiatrics asked me once what I was trying to keep control of, I told him didn’t know. But much later it came to me, I was trying to keep control of my sanity. Today, with more understanding, I find life easier if I try to relax and just got with the flow. It doesn’t always work but I just keep telling myself to go with the flow. ...

I do see special meanings in things. I used to look for and read all the signs - so exhausting. Today, aware of this, I take what I want from it and use it if I can. ... I experienced spirits (not sure what it was but that's how I described it), I experienced 'people' coming to me for help and me explaining that I wasn't very good at this but that they shouldn't give up because there were others out there who were better at this than me. I have also experienced 'shadows' in my peripheral vision and when I turn to look they are gone. I read somewhere that it was best to ignore them so that's what I do. ... There is no one outside my immediate family that I would talk to about personal stuff. And there is only one maybe two people in my family that I would talk to about this stuff. ...

I can become vague during a conversation as I struggle to find the words to explain what I am experiencing. ... I am very poor at returning social courtesies and gestures. ... I used to be quite paranoid about what people meant by what they said, like maybe it had a double meaning. Today, being aware of my paranoia (heightened sense of awareness) I trust my instincts and my intuition and deal with the situation accordingly. ... I don't get the feeling that anyone is taking particular notice of me. ... I used to be into the occult and astrology, and curious about the future and UFOs. I do still have a sense that I know about things that are going to happen and have experienced dreams that have come true. I have had others ask me if I'm psychic, I'm not but these type of experiences are still with me. ...

I used to have this thing that if I stared at something long enough it seemed to grow bigger, come towards me or fade away from me. Today, I don't stare at stuff that much. ... I used to write a lot, my husband was in the army and away a lot, I could communicate to him how I felt about him much better in letters. I don't write letters anymore. ... I used to avoid eye contact, I don't now as most conversations are kept short. ... I would never be able to give a speech. I communicate best through writing things down. ... I used to keep telling myself that others couldn't read my mind and didn't know what I was thinking, and that I had nothing to worry about. Today, I believe in the power of thought, I believe I respond to others in need and can often tell who is on the phone or at the door. ... My sense of smell on occasion very strong. ... I do occasionally lose my train of thought during conversations. ...

I know it's silly but yes I do feel occasionally that someone might be watching me. ... I have no close friends and have never felt the need for them. ... I used to worry and imagine people were talking about me but today I just don't care. ... I am occasionally overwhelmed by my thoughts. ... I do believe that people might take advantage of me, but they’ll only do it once. I cut people out of my life with the drop of a hat until they have earned back my trust. ... It's not so much that I feel 'unable' to get close to people, I just don't want to get close to anyone. ... I have been told I am eccentric, I prefer that to what I used to be called - weird. ... I was uneasy talking to people but today I find it easier if conversations can be kept short. ... I keep to myself, nothing has changed there. ... I don't have an odd appearance but I am conscious of sticking to an acceptable wardrobe, a 'uniform' (black trousers and pale coloured tops). I try to avoid wearing too much black as family comment on it when I do.

This has been really helpful. Thank you.

I'm open to any questions you may have.

Bluerose
02-26-08, 11:36 AM
I've read a lot about personality disorders. I think that's what might have been wrong with my dad. He was violent and abusive and he committed suicide. I suspect that he might have had an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. When I really began to struggle I was afraid I might be going the same way as my dad. It frightened me and I was worried for my kids. I was too afraid to open up to anyone for such a long time. I saw them but I never told them about everything that was going on. This was back in the early 70s, I was afraid of losing my children. I had around four hospital stays before I was finally diagnosed in 1990. I wonder if you can understand my hesitation to go to my doctor and bring up the subject of misdiagnoses?

The point is that there is something going on. In my twenties I was suicidal and thought I was going crazy. In my thirties, still struggling with what I thought was severe depression, I kept telling myself it couldn’t be that bad, “I can’t be going crazy or they would have locked me up long ago and thrown away the key.” I had just turned forty when my husband and I decided to divorce. He is a lovely man and we are still friends. I decided to let him go because he had been through enough. He took care of me until I could take care of myself. He was shot while stationed in Ireland, and a couple of years later he was involved in a bombing that left him partially paralysed down his right side. He has been married and divorced since then, and is now with someone very nice. I never had another relationship. And if the truth be known our marriage would never have lasted as long as it did if he wasn’t in the army and away a lot, two and three times a year. My main struggle most of those years was trying to take care of my children and make sure they didn't go through what my mum and my siblings and I did. I don't have any problem with children, it's adults that do my head in. I'm close with my siblings, as close as I want to be. And even though I didn't hit my children I worry that they didn't get off as lightly as I like to think they did. I'll post more about my children later. I enjoy my grandchildren very much.

I have read some horror stories about people dealing with personality disorders and I know I'm one of the lucky ones - I have an extended family.

I want to thank you all for letting me ramble. I was a little panicked when I signed in here a few days ago. I was really struggling to keep it together for my grandson's sake. I'm not there yet but the young guy went to school today and he's due in soon - fingers crossed that his day was okay.

theta
02-26-08, 06:24 PM
Knowing you hear voices is very different from say a person who is hearing voices but does not realise they are self-generated. Also its fairly common that
some people hear an internal voice telling them things. If the voice is telling you helpful things like "remember to do the laundry" then its perfectly fine.

Bluerose
02-26-08, 10:01 PM
I wasn't always aware of where the voices came from, I thought it was spirit, I thought it was a lot of things. I was asked if the voices were telling me good or bad things. It has always been good things. The best way to explain it is that it is like a bunch of siblings, a lot of arguing and bickering but quite loyal to each other.

Bluerose
06-13-08, 07:20 AM
Keeping in mind that I have now been reassessed and I'm told my new diagnoses sounds like schizoaffective disorder. I've only seen psych once, due to see her again in two weeks.

This was the result of the test on 02-26-08, 09:23 AM

Ideas of reference 4 out of 9 Unsure 0
Excessive social anxiety 7 out of 8 Unsure 0
Odd beliefs or magical thinking 5 out of 7 Unsure 1
Unusual perceptual experiences 9 out of 9 Unsure 0
Odd or eccentric behavior 5 out of 7 Unsure 1
No close friends 9 out of 9 Unsure 0
Odd speech 8 out of 9 Unsure 0
Constricted affect 7 out of 8 Unsure 0
Suspiciousness 5 out of 8 Unsure 0
Total SPQ-A 59 out of 74


This is the result of the test today

Ideas of reference 3.5 out of 9 Unsure 0
Excessive social anxiety 7 out of 8 Unsure 0
Odd beliefs or magical thinking 5 out of 7 Unsure 0
Unusual perceptual experiences 7.5 out of 9 Unsure 0
Odd or eccentric behavior 4 out of 7 Unsure 0
No close friends 9 out of 9 Unsure 0
Odd speech 7.5 out of 9 Unsure 0
Constricted affect 8 out of 8 Unsure 0
Suspiciousness 5 out of 8 Unsure 0
Total SPQ-A 56.5 out of 74

Bluerose
06-13-08, 07:47 AM
I have just been having a read and I can't believe I wrote all that. Nevertheless it is helpful to read it over. I do feel much, much better. The voices do seem to be more in my head. And it's only during a bad episode that I'm bothered by them. I knew stress was something I had to avoid at all costs, that and pressure. People might think I'm lazy or too laid back, that is far from the truth, I have to do things my way in order to avoid the crap that creeps up if I don't. I think that might be a part of why I prefer to be on my own, I don't have to keep explaining or justifying myself.

I just want to say thanks to everyone for the help and encouragement. And a special thanks to theta for some thought provoking questions that gave me lots to think about and helped me to put things into perspective.

reesah
06-14-08, 08:55 AM
I have also experienced 'shadows' in my peripheral vision and when I turn to look they are gone.

I experience this all the time. It was far worse when I was a kid.

A lot of what you're saying rings true- trying to be normal so nobody realizes you're odd...

I wear all black all the time. I cannot for the life of me match colors. Luckily I have fairly morbid coworkers and friends so it seems to fit well for me and nobody notices.

Bluerose
06-14-08, 12:25 PM
reesah,

It isn't as bad now as it was when I was younger and didn't have a clue what was going on. I was so scared and that just made it worse. But we have so much information available to us now, we are so lucky. I hope you're particular situation isn't too bad, and might even be made easier because of the information available to us. Take care and share anything you want anytime you want.

busyhermit
06-14-08, 02:10 PM
Bluerose - I relate to quite a lot of what you describe, particularly in #13.

Diagnosis is something I'm quite confused about as well, and the more I read, the muddier it gets - there's just so much overlap. I've been diagnosed with depression and social phobia. I wondered about schizoid PD for awhile myself - and I meet all of the criteria listed earlier except:

6. appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others

In this I am quite the opposite - way TOO MUCH affected by praise/criticism. One of the reasons I avoid people altogether. I don't totally believe the Social Phobia diagnosis either, because I don't have problems going out to the store, etc. I just prefer to keep an emotional distance, even with family, and have no desire to have friends...unlike so many here who talk about being lonely and wishing they had friends. I don't relate to that. I do not have this thing called "support" that people talk about, and am unclear of the meaning. Personally, I'd rather not be that closely involved with anyone. I AM married, but we live like roommates. We haven't even slept in the same bed for about 5 years.

I have an internal voice that I gave a life of it's own when I was about 5. It was my friend then, but has been my enemy for a long time. It is the devil's advocate, the criticizer, the condemner, the doom-sayer - the one who calls me an "idiot". The one who confuses me of what is real and what is not, the one who ridicules hope. Although I have two voices, and talk to "myself" regularly, I know that both are me - and not from somewhere outside. I often wonder if other people are like that.

I also have the feeling that someone is always watching. Not God I don't think....just someone. Always a presence, someone judging. Closing the blinds and locking the doors don't help - I can never be alone enough and sometimes it drives me crazy. Lately I have been wishing for a totally dark, empty closet that I could sit in and lock the door. It would have to be sealed - no light under the door, and totally black so I couldn't see a thing. In my mind, I imagine that I would finally feel alone and safe there....and then I think, "how crazy is that? wanting to sit in a closet?".

Anyhow - then there's the autistic spectrum - for which I test very high, and something that my mom always suspected (I've been this way since I was born, I guess). But again, what does that really mean? If there even is a label that fits me - it doesn't seem to really matter in the end.

I take meds for depression, anxiety and a mood stabilizer. I feel a little better, I guess, but it doesn't change my overall view of myself and the world. I am in therapy and have a bit of hope (that waxes and wanes regularly - darn that voice) that perhaps some things could change. Perhaps I could at least be more comfortable with myself. Even if I choose not to include other people in my life, perhaps I could allow myself to be closer to my husband...something I'm trying to do for HIM rather than for me, to be honest. I'm actually quite comfortable as roommates, except for the worry of losing him.

Bluerose
06-14-08, 08:30 PM
busyhermit,

I hear you and I could tell you what worked for me but that doesn’t mean it would work for you. Even dealing with the same stuff we are all different.

I too became overwhelmed with all the information and had to take a step back occasionally just to give my brain time to process it all.

I have been on and off meds most of my life and they don't do much to improve my mood. What they do is keep the stress and anxiety to a minimum and this in return keeps the more serious symptoms at bay.

Working to get closer to your husband is a good idea. Sharing what you have learned about your stuff might help, leaving notes for him telling him how much you appreciate his help and understanding, and you could also have a signal that lets him know how you are feeling.

I don't think it's crazy at all wanting to go sit in a dark closet I used to feel like that too. Now I do meditation. I lower the light and just sit quietly ignoring 'everything' that comes to me. I found negotiating with 'whatever' helped. I would simply tell 'myself' that I was going to meditate and that I will deal with anything that might come up when I'm finished. I requested time for myself from myself. Weird? Maybe. But who cares so long as it works. And I'm still here today to share some of this with you so it worked quite well.

It's late here I would like to discuss this some more if you would?

busyhermit
06-15-08, 09:43 AM
I have been on and off meds most of my life and they don't do much to improve my mood. What they do is keep the stress and anxiety to a minimum and this in return keeps the more serious symptoms at bay.Yeah, I agree. This time around, I didn't come into it expecting a magic pill - just hoping that something would help - and it DOES help. I quickly lose sight of how bad it was before, and so forget how much better it is - the anxiety in particular.

Working to get closer to your husband is a good idea. Sharing what you have learned about your stuff might help, leaving notes for him telling him how much you appreciate his help and understanding, and you could also have a signal that lets him know how you are feeling.Well, here's the thing - my husband has no clue about what's going on with me. We've been married 12 years. I've tested the waters by sharing with him when I was depressed or just feeling bad, and he would be like "about what?!". He would either take it personally or try to somehow SOLVE it for me with advice. He's just absolutely clueless. My young son also has anxiety, odd behavior and lots of social problems - and my husband believes it is just due to my bad parenting. I have had to really push just to get him to agree to get some psychological help for my son - because he doesn't believe in it. One time when I mentioned I was going to "an appointment" that day (I don't even use the "T" word -therapy- with him), he said "How long are you going to have to do that cr@# anyway?". Then he heard something on a radio show that anti-depressants are a scam and are bad for the body, so he doesn't agree with me taking medication either. All that being said, he leaves me alone about it, but it's hard knowing that there is no support or understanding there.

I don't think it's crazy at all wanting to go sit in a dark closet I used to feel like that too. Now I do meditation. I lower the light and just sit quietly ignoring 'everything' that comes to me. I found negotiating with 'whatever' helped. I would simply tell 'myself' that I was going to meditate and that I will deal with anything that might come up when I'm finished. I requested time for myself from myself. Weird? Maybe.Nah, not weird at all - I've discovered the same thing about having to allow myself things. No one else is stopping me - it is ME that will not allow me to stop or slow, take time out, do kind things for myself. I always feel there is so much I should be doing - I feel guilty when I stop... hard to explain. You're right, though, that I should allow myself to take time out to meditate. I have it in my schedule even - which made that easier (turned it into a TO DO), but I guess I've quit since my son got out of school and is home all of the time.

I negotiate with my voice as well - since being in therapy, I remember the days when it was a friendly relationship and ask what happened? If "we" cannot work together, or at least have some kind of a truce, nothing will ever really change. There's been some progress actually. The first point in the negotiations was that I stop calling myself names. Funny....I'd find me calling myself a bad name and "remind" myself about our deal (and forcing an apology) ;). Now does THAT sound weird?

Bluerose
06-15-08, 06:26 PM
busyhermit

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need. I manage now on my own but if it wasn't for my ex husband I would never have made it this far. The things we do in order to cope with this might seem wierd but I always say whatever gets you through. You must keep doing what works for you. We seem to be on the same page so if I can do anything to help just let me know.