I need advice, please HELP!!, My eldest son is nearly 7 and I have had another bad weekend, where I feel I could sit and cry for the guilt, anger, impatience and everything I shouldn't feel towards my son, mostly guilt for not being a mother who sees where he comes from, why he screams he hates and wants to kill everybody, I see the frustration through the anger when he says sorry it was an accident, when he is chastised and put in the corner for time out, slaming doors, screaming let me out, shouts I hate you, the impatience I feel that I have to walk away, I don't know if I would stop, I feel anger towards him that I can't show him I love him and have the patience to deal with him, he always tells me no, so defiant, yet I think were so alike..

My mum used to say that there was nobody worse than me as a child, into everything, never sat down, always fidgeting, no concentration span, didn't listen! have I passed this on....

He can't walk around the house only jog or run, making noises as if a tractor, clearing his throat or clicking, shows no respect for anything or others, so much energy, but seems never used, hates loud noises, being with lots of people, everthing is boring, no concentration span.

Yet can be so loving, but squeezes you so tight because he loves you so much, tormentative towards his brother, crys when away from us, very sensitive, but yet so independantly strong willed.

People say he has ADD/ADHD, they might be right, but I'm scared, blame myself, bad parenting, something I've done, but it would be a relief? I might then have patience?

I see a lost child and my heart bleeds.

Hi TABI - I know of the guilt and feeling baffled and inadequate. For a long time I blamed myself for every problem that my son has. But I am learning that my son is what he is - he is so much more than a reflection of my parenting skills. He is a person, with all of his own feelings and fears - full of deep and powerful feelings - extreme anger and extreme love. He, too can swing from tight hugs and "I love you" to "I hate you", slamming and kicking doors because I didn't give him something he wanted.

First I had to get used to the idea that my son is a separate entity from me and that I am not responsible for everything he feels and does. This makes me much more useful as a parent. I help him in any way I can with his struggles, as calmly and logically as possible. When he yells "I hate you", I know he doesn't really mean it. When he calms down it's as if it never happened. I have begun making him apologize to me at that time, if he has said something really mean. Not sure if that's the right approach, but it seems that he's old enough now (6 yrs) to start thinking of other people's feelings.

I strongly recommend having your son evaluated if you haven't. Can't hurt anyway. If it turns out he's ADHD or something else, medication is your choice. But it sure is nice to know what you're dealing with. To some extent, it made me realize that my son cannot control many of his behaviors. I can be much more understanding now and help him to work toward improvement and control in small areas (like sitting in his chair all the way through a meal, for example). My son is not medicated, but I will consider it if he starts to struggle in school.

You mentioned one time "yet I think we're so alike". All my life I felt my son and I were opposites - as he is so extremely extroverted, and i was so extremely introverted. But since I have been able to take a step back, suddenly I'm finding that I DO understand much about him - that I can relate to much that goes on inside. I have also found that this fact opens all kinds of possibilities for me to actually help my son to deal with his feelings, since I have actually been there. It's really a wonderful feeling after so many years of feeling like an ineffective failure of a parent.

I feel very fortunate that he is a talker - an open book - and good at expressing himself. I can always know what's going on with him if I just ask. Since I've started to do that (ask), sometimes I am surprised by the fears and worries and ideas that he has.

Anyhow, please stop blaming and being so hard on yourself. I will also mention that getting treatment for my own depression has helped immensely. Hang in there.

Thank you busyhermit for replying to my message.

Yet again this morning I could cry, every day seems a struggle.

Im sure I suffered from post natal depression with my last child 4 years ago, although I was not officially diagnosed and sometimes think this is a contributing fact to all our problems, I am a very strong willed independant female and didn't believe there was such a thing as depression, obviously I was very wrong, usually I am very strong and very disciplined in my approach to everything including the kids, I think this is probably my downfall, as I have great expectation and no patience. WhatI think I am trying to say is that I believe that most of the month I am strong enough to deal with Jack and have the patience but around the time of the month I am weak and find it even harder to handle.

I don't believe in medication unless really necessary and then I have to suffer to take it, I just see it as a hurdle we have to get through, but at the moment I am feeling very low. hence the reasons for the possible clash....

So is it me who has the problem!!! or should I say we, my husband and me! and we are just blaming Jack for being an average 6 year old boy!!!!

We saw problems with Jack from the age of 3 when he struggled at full-time education, discussions then with the teacher showed, lack of concentration, always rushing work, never finishing anything and always on the go. When we discussed the possiblity with her of Jack having ADHD she didn't dismiss it and even suggested we pursue it in more detail as she had, had experience with ADHD, however, at that point we were on the brink of moving and needless to say, his education went down hill, knowing we were moving away from the area we believe the teacher gave up on him.

We finally moved and believed it would be a new start for us all. We raised our concerns at the new school when filling out paper work but nothing was actually said until his term parents evening. Basically all that we had been going through at home was also happening at school and to be honest it was a relief to hear that and I cried. We worked together with his teachers and our doctor and health visitor and school nurse, after a while he seemed to settle down, they held him back from moving on a year at school, because the school felt it would help him and they gradually weened him into his new class prior to the new term, both teachers were very supportive of Jack and ourselves.

There are always moments of madness as described previously especially when he can't get his own way and at times he seems to have settled down better, but then what we have found is that if his routine changes he kind of goes of the rails again. Just as we got him settled at school ready for the new 2nd year, his teacher who he had come to know, went on maternity leave and this concerned me as he seemed to have settled with her, so we were apprehensive about this.

Yet again we saw the situation change, a new teacher and environment which unsettled him. I think his teacher is very strict and at first I was shocked, however, I'm thinking that this is what he possibly needs. He did have problems in his class when he first started and we discussed these with his teacher, not concentrating, making noises, fidgeting, distracting other children. We addressed these issues at school and home having reward charts, stickers, even a report book at the age of 5!! and I gave up my night job so we could have structure in the evening, for a while things seemed to settle down, we have just had half-term again and this is the stage I am at now.

I have an appointment to see his teacher on Wednesday and in one way hoping she confirms my suspicions with regard to the routine situation...I am considering calling the health visitor and school nurse again. The last time I visited the Dr with Jack he was on his best behaviour and the Dr didn't have really any concerns from just looking at him for five mins, but was very supportive in my refering him to a specialist if need be, because he had settled down we left it, but what I now find is that when he is away from us he cries that he loves us and misses us, but when he returns he is a complete nightmare taking time to get back to normal if ever that exists, as my house always feels like chaos.

He feels very frustrated and bored if he can't get outside, causing arguments with his brother and I often think to myself that other children seem comotosed as Jack never sits still, is always on the go, has so much energy and spirt, which wears me out, but yet, which I am proud of, because I feel under all the frustration he has a beautiful, exciting soul. If I tell him not to do something he always ask "why", I always explain the reasoning but yet he can be so defiant, he will just go ahead and do it and he doesn't know why he does it, but is so sorry after he's done it. I always make him apologise and I do if I feel I have not understood him. But I don't want him to feel guilty all the time, but I do want him to take responsibility for his actions.

But everyday is a battle does this make any sense or am I just rambling.

The question is could I be the problem!! Am I expecting too much!!!:confused:

My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. I am not qualified to determine what is the problem, however, it does look alot like adhd from what you describe, although these things can be tricky. If it is adhd, it is not your fault, it is chemical and it is real!!!! There is even an international consensus on adhd signed by world renowned scientists. Its not something you need to have to believe in, it actually exists!!! The thinking that you can pull yourself out of depression every time or whatnot, is pretty much old fashioned thinking, so please get over that and forgive yourself for it.

Anyway, get yourself (I mean your child and perhaps also you) to a specialist and find out what is really going on. You will find on this forum many people who benefit from medication. I believe there is a place for it. It is not everything, but it can improve the quality of life for many many people. If you go that route, just remember, start low, go slow and challenge any doc who says otherwise...or go find another. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Your child deserves a parent with an open mind!

Hi Tabi,
We were having an equally rough time in my house. I had an appointment to get myself some medication to better handle the stress. I felt horrible that I was not able to enjoy my son who was a 10 on my hyper scale.
I began to argue with my husband that he needed medication. He was 5 at the time so we needed to wait another year anyway, but I was trying to get my husband prepared. Our son clearly was not going to learn or have friends the way he was. I couldn't continue to live in the chaos and be depressed from it. We ended our argument by saying we would both be open to diffrent options. I did this just to appease him. Well from googling I found the feingold program which eliminates artificial flavors, colors and perservatives. You also do a test to see if your child reacts to natural salycilates and then re introduce them one by one. This would include apples, berries, tomatos etc. It is just a trial. For us we do no oranges and only golden delicious apples (they have the least salycilates). You also need to use home and personal products free of fragrences etc. They are usually made from petroleum which is the same ingredient that causes problems with the colors.
You do need to stick to the program or you won't see results. It was difficult the first month and now it's old habit.
If you are still not pleased with your results you remove other common triggers like gluten, milk, corn, corn syrup (big offender of anger). All one by one.
After doing this for a couple weeks we saw great improvement. I was floored! I did it, but didn't think it would work. My son is no longer impulsive. His hyperactivity is way way way down. If he does get revved up he listens to me and stops. He has gone to sleep instantly every single night since feingold (except the times we cheated). He started learning. He is able to sit and do his work at school, sit and eat dinner. He became more affectionate. He is not running away from me in the parking lot and at stores. He started to get along with his sister. His loud high pitched voice is nearly gone.
I can't say enough about the program. Most do it without meds. Some do it with a lower dose of meds.
If you don't want to jump up and join you might want to watch his behavior when he eats processed foods, eats out, has candy etc. Some foods have more artificial ingredients then others and might stick out more. Sometimes you are more likely to eat these foods at a play date or a party.
Just something to think about. I like to share our story because I know my son would be on medication this year if we didn't find the program.
BTW the american academy of pediatrics is now giving credit to the lancet studies.
Here are the links
American Academy of Pediatrics/ Developemental center at Children’s Hospital in Boston
http://aapgrandrounds.aappublications.org/cgi/content/extract/19/2/17

Lancet study
http://fooddemocracy.wordpress.com/2007/10/03/study-shows-food-additives-may-make-kids-hyper/ (http://fooddemocracy.wordpress.com/2007/10/03/study-shows-food-additives-may-make-kids-hyper/)

The feingold website is
www.feingold.org (http://www.feingold.org)

Hang in there and keep looking for anwers. It's like putting a puzzle together.

Thanks for the success story, Tilly. I'm going to look into this - I really wish I could do more to help my son, and healthier eating certainly couldn't hurt! When I think about how much of what he eats has preservatives and artificial colors....removing all that could be quite a challenge.

I don't know who I am exactly replying to here, however, I would like to thank all of you for reading my babble and easing my mind, I have tried different things over the years, patience being one of the main ones, however, we have been watching his food for a long time, were not real junk food eaters anyway, although we do have the odd takeaway and at the moment trying to get off the sweet tooth since xmas, but mostly thats me and the husband, i'm very strict in what I give the boys, but mostly, Jack loves and will eat fruit, so I encourage this, but like every child he wants sweets, having talked to the health visitor the first thing we did was watch his diet and she made us aware of the sugar substitute asparthamine, which is found in most low fat, low sugar or no sugar products, I used to think that yoghurts were very good for the boys, especially those yoghurt drinks, but its not until you read the packaging that you become aware of the rubbish they put in them and you can see the trigger everytime, the Health Visitor also recommended High Juice which has more natural juices than rubbish. So we have eliminated that already, I think we can eliminate his home environment, because I think we have tried everything going and now follow a strict discipline rule. We have a meeting with his teacher tomorrow, so we shall see what that brings, however, after discussions with Jack, he seems to have settled with his own teacher, but at the moment nearly everyday he is having a substitute teacher and this is when he is being sat out on his own for disrupting the class, mostly some other child making him laugh... but I think this is sometimes where the problems start, we really think he struggles with change and adapting to new situations, whether he is just testing the water, I am not sure, but we shall see what the teachers opinion is tomorrow?

At the beginning of the week I was very down and talked to one of the teaching assistants regarding Jack as she helps with his reading and writing, I asked her, her opion and the first thing she said was the he had no concentration, and he is a distraction, he tries really hard, but rushes and once he's finished, right or wrong he will disrupt the other children. I asked if he works better on a one to one, and her response was "yes, he does, but the school can't afford it"?

So after feeling stronger from my conversations with you all on this website, both me and my husband feel we are strong enough to confront the teacher who just thinks he's a naughty boy and now we want to take the next step in getting a diagnosis.

Didn't mean to babble on.

Tabi and busy hermit. (Love all the names here)
a couple things to think about.
Yogurt- stoneyfield farms is clean.

artificials- they can be hidden in listed ingredients. So for example while cheerios "reads" clean they just spray there bags with the BHT instead of putting it in the food.
"natural" products- flip them over many say yellow 40 ect. right in the ingredients. Some genuinenly are natural, many are not.
hidden ingredients- if something is put in an ingredient before it gets to the processing plant they do not have to list it in the label.

There are many ins and outs to this. Not to worry busy hermit if you join FG they will give you a book that lists many products that are truly clean. I think it's about 180 pages. Plus you have real people helping you with even the silliest question like "what kind of cereal should we try".

Tabi- You might want to read about natural salycilates on the FG home page.
They are in not all, but many fruits. For example I can't give my son oranges and I give him golden delcious apples which has less salys. This is very individual and is tested each fruit individual as stage one of the program.
My sister in law just removed apple juice and apples from her daughters diet and she is so much better. She actually got student of the month! It may be that she was giving too many apples and she might at some point figure out a balance for her that includes some apples.

Sorry so long.
Tilly