I have been severely depressed for the past year after my friend killed himself...Tried many things ssris discovered that I was add and had major confidence/self esteem issues....Intense therapy that I never felt like did anything....But nothing really has helped and life just keeps getting worse because i am so disabled...Lost my business/screwed up a relationship

Based on researching things i recently started to think i am bi-polar II/soft and the doctor agreed with me and we have been trying mood stabilizers...

My question is: one day I feel like I have some hope in life and almost looking forward to things (not happy but not ready to blow my brains out if you no what I mean)....And then like a light switch, nothing will happen to trigger it, I will go into deep hopelessness and nothing but suicide thoughts praying that I must die and find away...In combination I cant move or do anything I have to do...Probably like 75%suicidal/25%OK....Then when I am feeling better for no reason maybe even in the same day, I start thinking about what happened it really scares me how close I came to dieing....Sends shivers down my spine...But when I am depressed and suicidal I can barely even remember how I am when I have some hope....It just goes back and forth like a seesaw

Is this rapid cycling? Or is this typical with normal deep depression to come in an out of depression many times a week....Feel suicidal and then later in the same day not be? I am not in anyway the classic manic except the past year I have no control over my emotions and have pushed just about everybody out of my life by flipping out on them and saying cruel things...Then the next day I am fine and act like nothing happened and tell them how sorry I am---and of course repeat the next week...Pretty much everybody in my life including family wants to have nothing to do with me...

Hi and welcome!

I spent the better part of my life, in more of a depressed state than anything. My hypomania was not as intense or as noticable as it was in later years. In fact is was more of the increaseing intensity of the mania that brought me to get the dianoses.

I guess my question would be, do you truly have hypomania at all? That is part of the diagnostic criteria, you have to have it for so many days out of the week out of the month. Do you go from the depression, into a state where you are spending a little more money, doing prolonged projects that you hyperfocus on, do you need less sleep, or don't sleep at all, do you get out of bed with a "happy" feeling for no reason and start calling people and chatting away incenssantly? That is some of the signs of hypomania? From what you are saying that is the piece I am missing?

I can say the meds I am on has given me the relief for the depression at about 80%. , and instead of having a general feeling of it all the time, or sleeping away entire weekends, where i dind't get up except to go to the bathroom or get a drink. From perhaps one or two days a month that I don't do much but can get out of the bed. The mania for me was a little trickier. While I was able to treat and be successful in the treatment of the depression on the Lamictal, I had to add another med for the mania, which targeted insomnia.


There is hope. I do have hope again. I have seen improvements in my life that I never hoped to have. It has not been easy. But well worth it.

Hope

Ya I would say there are times I start thinking about this project and work on it all day....Then I go into the depression and think it was a big waste of time and what was the use....I never go out and spend lots of money like I hear with the classic bipolar...However I talked to one of my old employees that new me real well and said she felt my behavior was manic because always get these ideas and get all excited over them and then crash....She felt it was manic in just a different way...However a couple of times this year something set me off and I would literally lose it---scared the crap out of my ex who was abused as a child---i didn't ever come close to hitting her or wasn't even yelling at her---she just felt like I was completely out of my mind and really scared her...It was our turning point and things were never the same---I deal with more guilt over that day then my best friends suicide....I start thinking maybe I could be with her if I just had been able to control myself....Then the last time I freaked out by myself I couldn't stop shaking for days on end...Then I went into the hospital because I was convinced I my thyroid was acting up which once tested was fine....So then I was convinced something snapped in my head and I was insane...I had started taking Zoloft again which may or may have set me off? I stopped taking it and am just taking the Lamicial now....

But I thought the soft-bipolar or bipolar II didn't always have the manic episodes like the full blown bipolar? I guess I feel the depression is the big issue, but it is weird how out of no where I can just slip into such a suicidal depression....And yes in the past year i have no motivation to do anything accept maybe in little small spurts which really doesn't accomplish much of anything because it is so short lived....I keep thinking if my life gets to this point then all defintly end it and then my stuff gets that bad and I still don't...So then I start thinking all just forget about thinking about it because I obviously cant do it....Then I sink into my depression hole with all the painful thinking again & again and just keep saying same thing I have to end all this....Just one big roller coaster ride that never ever shuts off...

Sorry about the book just wanted to give enough info....

hotrod, no need to apologize here. I can write a novel at any given time here. The more you talk and learn about it the better you will feel.

I hear what you are saying.

Here are a couple of the short descriptions, and links with them.

Bipolar II Disorder

The distinguishing characteristic of Bipolar II Disorder (manic depression) is the hypomanic episode (as opposed to the manic episodes of Bipolar I Disorder). Major depressive episodes are also part of this type of bipolar disorder.

What is Bipolar II Disorder? (http://addforums.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_bp2.htm)
According to the official US definition as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, Bipolar II Disorder is "characterized by one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode." The key difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II is that Bipolar II has hypomanic but not manic episodes.

Bipolar II: Mood Swings Without "Manic" Episodes (http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/frameset.html)
Psychiatrist James Phelps offers information on Bipolar II, Mixed States, Cyclothymia, "anxious depression" and more. Some of his descriptions extend the definitions in DSM-IV, but many experts feel that DSM-IV is too limited.

The difference is that BPII's don't have the classic manic symptoms, you are correct, rather hypomanic. The links will better explain it for you. Basically it's the intensity , and period of time it lasts that makes the difference.

Another good site I refer a lot of people to, and use a lot myself. Is
http://bipolar.about.com/

One of the things that first helped me get through the early stages of my diagnoses, besides the support from friends and family, including ADDF, was becoming educated about the disease. I hope the links help.

Keep coming and keep talking, we really do understand, and while I am not cured, and I am still cleaning up the mess that my untreated Bipolar reeked in my life, I can say I am much happier now , because my moods are more level, than I ever have been.

Take care, and let us know how you are doing.


Hope

Thank you so much for the valuable information...It was the best information I have read so far...A 2nd doctor has agreed with me that I am BPII...He started me on Lithium...A long road ahead...