I happen to have mood congruent psychotic features and I am adjusting to leaving what I call "delusion world". The process of losing insight into psychotic mania feels so subtle that you never notice until you are truly 'there'. It never dawns on me personally because a series of reality based events will occur. Sometimes I don't remember it when I get psychotic but other times I do. It is really distressing when I am angry at people when in fact it was actually a hallucination in connection to whatever paranoid delusion was present.

I bring this up because I was near the hospital earlier today and I happen to vividly recall this episode to a "T" and I started getting a PTSD like reaction because my recent experience there was terrifying because I thought people were trying to kill me and wouldn't take an antipsychotic drug because I thought I was going to get attacked in my sleep. Well, I hear everyone saying this stuff so, you know, it felt real.

I just find this process to be confusing because in fact I think some of my psychotic behavior was projected toward some of the members here too. So I am anxious I guess because when everything is going so fast it is hard to recall exactly what was done or said, I am still a member and didn't notice any infractions so I guess I must've been okay while I visited here during that period.

I don't know, I just hate the fact that I have no real idea of what was real and wasn't because a lot of it was reality but a lot of it wasn't either and my homework at school was a bit lengthy according to the professors so I guess that was an effect although it did not effect the grade.

Do any other of the BPI's and I know there are more than just me here or even II's feel weird during the transition from mania to normal??

Matt, bipolar disorder isn't something I've had to deal with, but what you describe really sounds distressing. It must be hard to not know exactly what reality to trust and when you've crossed that line. Take care!

Thanks Scattered I appreciate the support.

I can certainly identify. I sometimes am oblivious to my moods and their extent until damage has been done in some form or another. There totally is a calm before the storm, as well as the reverse. To explain this, I mean a huge happy manic time in which I truly believe I do not need meds EVER more often than not proceeds a huge crash into my own personal darkness. I often lose memory of my tantrums.

Transitions suck. I have always found them difficult, be it from one mood to another or moving to a new house. I find during this evil transition time I cannot be satiated and feel numb.

Anyway. I'm in a pretty dark space right now and just wanted to let you know that I feel you!

In response to your question: Oh yeah. Do I ever.

I never had any insight into any of it until recently. I didn't remember most of it. I didn't even realize that I'd ever had a psychotic episode in my life although I've had many. The only reason that I ever gained any insight into any of it was because of Seroquel. Even since taking it, I've had a few episodes recently. Sometimes the "snap" back into reality is more difficult for me than the delusional/psychotic episode was. I am so embroiled in the episode, that I believe whatever I am thinking, feeling, perceiving to be absolutely real.

There is a sense of eternity that pervades every state I find myself in. In those all too rare lucid moments, I reflect back and recognize that my life is marked only by extreme inconsistency. There is neither a pattern nor rational basis from which I can construct a framework to explain the nature of my existence. A sense of profound and ineffable sadness often accompanies my descent into reality. I begin to see the psychotic me as an other person entirely. I reflected intensely upon this recently. I could not stop thinking about Don Quixote and what a truly tragic character he was in many respects. The valiant knight-errant thought himself always to be engaged in a pursuit of the noblest order, yet he was nothing but a skinny, pathetic, ill-kempt and illogical character ridiculed by everyone he met. He lived for the exhiliration and novelty of each new conquest, yet, in reality he engaged in the same inane, nonsensical and defeated quest over and over again. Essentially, Don Quixote's curse was his persistent and pervasive lack of insight. When I gaze at an artist's rendering of the gawky knight-errant on his nag, I often liken myself to the bumbling knight-errant and can't help but wonder if other's see me this way.

And as for the disturbing delusions that cause PTSD symptoms when something reminds you of them. . . that happens to me as well. I'll share the one that disturbs me the most. years ago, I was with some friends around halloween, for some reason, I began hallucinating that all the babies' heads had been replaced by pumpkins. I remember staring in horror. In this hallucination/delusion, I kept visualizing myself kicking all the pumpkins and splitting them open to reveal the seeds. This happened years ago, but I still find it as disturbing as the day it happened. I an still completely freaked out by babies. I am eternally disturbed and agitated when I look at them because all I can see are pumpkins in place of their heads and obsessively think about kicking the pumpkin open.

I'm sure the "pumpkinhead" tangent seems weird, so I just wanted to add that I have no desire to kick a baby in the head, etc. I suffer from these visions occasionally, and they always freak me out horribly.

What I wonder more than what was real and what isn't is what actually was happening while I was have severe dellusions/hallucinations.

What I wonder more than what was real and what isn't is what actually was happening while I was have severe dellusions/hallucinations.


I hear that one.

"The process of going from psychosis/mania to reality."

Matt,

I think I understand. If I do, it's like living in two worlds - the world inside and the world outside. Don't let me upset you, if this is way off just ignore it. I struggled for a long time to stay in the world outside but I was getting ready to give up the fight. I actually remember making the decision to just let go. I didn't care anymore, I was just so tired. Then I felt every bone in my body relax, my mind was quiet, and I just sat there waiting for the sky to fall. I felt this enormous weight being lifted off of me. It was a strange and overwhelming feeling. I just sat on the sofa rocking back and forth. Then I calmed down and I knew I would be okay. I live in two worlds and I manage quite well.

The problem for me was the first part of the psychosis was beautiful. I was deluded thinking I was a saint on a mission to help the world and all these evil people were out to destroy me because of it. I thought I was sent by God to alleviate suffering and all the neuroses that had gotten in my way before melted and I was able to share God's love with all these people. I went to the bad part of a bad town in the middle of the night and passed out a bunch of food I had bought. I felt that I could see into the needs of people's souls and give all of myself and God to them and this was an awesome feeling and sometimes I yearn for that "feeling." I heard on the radio (which seemed awfully real) that all the nursing homes had been emptied and all the children had gone to be with Jesus and I was so relieved that they had been released from this world of suffering.

But then seeing people's faces turn into demons and wiggle back and forth in between was terrifying, and hearing angel's voices behind people's voices was terrifying too. Then when I was really descending into madness, everything starting splitting apart and disintegrating and melting.

Yet I remember all this quite vividly -- is that normal?

Psychosis is different for everyone, my positive one's were beliefs that people were after me, one was the belief that I was chosen by "God" and I was going to travel somewhere and not tell anyone to receive the message that would help me be a key player in ending the apocalypse, one was that these hoards of people were in love with me (that went dark when the stalker delusions started coming and I wound up too paranoid to leave the house) another was in 2004 (compliments of Strattera) I was a presidential candidate.

amiegrace,

I did that too. I thought I had a massage for the world. I wanted to put money in small cards and go hand them out to the homeless. I heard voices and I thought it was God talking to me. That feeling was saintly. I got messages from TV and movies and other people's conversations. I don't know about it being normal. But what is normal? I eventually got to know and trust one of the psychiatrist I was seeing, I opened the floodgates and it all came pouring out for the first time. Do you know what he said to me when I was finished? He looked right at me and he said, "Is that all? We can fix that." Then he went on to explain that I had insight, in that I knew it was going on and that it was strange. He said pschitsophrenics would think it was real. I eventually experienced disintegration, and after the initial shock and fear I just knew everything would work out okay. I still experience these things if I get really down but I have the support of a couple of family members that I talk to, and they help me through until I’m back on track. Just having them help me gauge the extent of the episode keeps me from freaking out too much.

Among my fellow psychotics here on ADDForums

lovin' life

That's it I am officially out of the Cycling Team and into our own Voices movement...


The Bipolar II's are all snobs anyhow (Just Kidding)

Hey now.....that's not nice.:cool:

We are not snobs,,, we just stop a little short of your colorful adventures. :p

But the education is appreciated. Again, my old saying...every time I hear one of these stories, I am happy to take my meds.
I never want to go there. I might never make it back. ;)

I was joking Hope :)

I know it wasn't nice and I am sorry if it did offend you, because you have always been one of my biggest supports on this site. At one point, however I must be honest and say I felt like an 'outsider' because I was the only Cycling team BPI and now that there's an expansion I guess I feel a little better.

I know you were kidding! :D

I am not easily offended, especially in this genre! I would be nuts if I took everything personally, well I am nuts, but you know what I mean. :p

I understood totally where you are coming from. I am sure it's nice to have others that totally get where you are coming from. For those of us who have never been there, we can only stand in awe and wonder how you are still functioning at all, or sometimes , for lack of a better word, horror at how horrible it must be to go through something like that. So I totally get it. That is why I come here and stay mostly in this section, because people get it.