this is a LONG ramble, sorry, I'm wondering if anyone can relate. I've posted this here because I think it has to do with the meaning of my life in society, a social issue, but I'm not sure. And I think this might be more related to being human than it is to AD/HD.. or is it, move or delete, I will not mind.

I don't know if it's from too much stress or what; but I've been having to think long and hard about my future as related to what I want out of an education because I have to compose a bunch of these statements for school for various reasons

In the process, I had two strikingly vivd moments of clairity where time seemed to stop and I was thrilled- for the first time in my life I was able to put my desires into words, able to translate the images I see in my mind into something real that I am now beginning to follow up on. For days I was going about my business on cloud nine, feeling empowered, my immediate future goals were something defined, within my grasp, and understood- instead of some elusive feelings I could not define.. I was fooling myself into thinking that my life had a meaning.

Then I started questioning this, testing my realazations with doubt, trying to keep myself realistic. After doing so, I feel that my life is totally devoid of meaning.

Even if I can accomplish what I want to, which isn't a big ambitious deal or anything (I just want to make stuff for crying out loud), what will it matter if I'm always the slowest idiot in the room who people seem to also have the impression of being a stuck up snob just because I'm too scared or nervous to say anything to them? I don't know if this is part of the issue or not, that just came to mind trying to figure out what's bothering me so much, why I feel meaningless. I am so sick of living in a vacuum because of my poor ability in, and fearfulness, of social interaction. I feel angry, scared, anxious, and threatened too. By, or at what specifically; I have no idea. I feel like a deer caught in headlights, and I don't know if the car is going to stop in time or not. I feel like I need to go break some department store windows, wait around for the cops to arrest me, and spend some time in jail to get my head back on straight. Or spend the night in a dumpster in the cold without food. I feel like I need to go to someone who is dying pointlessly of a fatal disease and tell them that I am sorry, try to take their place so that I have done something meaningful for someone to make their life better. I do not know why I feel like this at all, it's not like I'm going to, or even can, do any of these things. I would like to make people smile, but I don't even have the guts to say 'Hello' most of the time, and I doubt anything that I create will have such a positive effect either; there is one thing in particular that I am obsessed with right now and if I told you you might laugh, but you would laugh at me instead of having good laughter. I was feeling fine earlier today, not high, not low, just in control for once- and WHAM, everything is toatally screwed up, no one can be trusted. I feel like the world is completely hostile, and I am just a meaningless dust particle floating until I settle somewhere when the air is calm, or until I meet my fate in a hepa filter.

Maybe this is about accepting the meaninglessness of my life gracefully. I don't know. But one thing that I realized is that my life preoccupation has been over purely visual things. Art has a role, but I do not want to be important or anything; I don't want to be noticed at all, but I don't want to be a skinbag taking up space either. 'making stuff' is all I can do. The only time that I feel truly happy (or feel like myself anyway...) right now is when I'm drawing, or grinding and bending steel into shapes with sparks flying everywhere and lots of loud noise. And for instance, how could that do anything for you guys, when so many people here have helped me??? See what I mean? Er, or what I don't mean???

Studying art right now, I'm being hammered with the idea that everything has a meaning. But I don't think it does, or that it always has to, and I don't think that I have a meaning either right now. I think it all depends, and that meaning is not a natural thing, natural things are what I am into on the other hand- yet 'art' made by people is not really natural; so my interest is a contradiction. What I do with my student work has to have meaning, and so far it really has, yet I don't want it to, or do I? I do and I don't, I don't want to control the meaning of something if it means anything. I am really PO'd about this.

I also don't like the thought that the direction of my life is so dependant on college, if it was not for school I would not be thinking with any direction at all, before school I was a reclusive confused cog trying to oil her brain with anything she could get her hands on. If it was not for school I might be dead. I don't want to be a vapid idiot with an education who would otherwise be an uneducated vapid idiot. uh, that might just be true anyway, and if so then that's my lot and I'll find a way to deal with it without being a further nuissance to society. There are so many wonderful, great, inspiring people without educations. Education is education, not the meaning of life, but right now that is the only meaning of my life :confused: I find that very upsetting.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. If it sounds like I'm whining, I'm not, I'm not looking for sympathy because I have nothing to complain about- if you could hear my tone it is more discussive. This is 'me me me' but I don't exactly mean it that way (darn it, it means nothing!), I would like to know if anyone has experienced anything like this in any way and to hear about your experience. Maybe this is a bad subject that tends to go nowhere and just stirs up people's doubt- I DO NOT want that to be the case here. I believe in all of you, and that all of you have meaning, and I DO MEAN THAT, if nothing else. I'm just wrestling with my own and feeling very frustrated because of the nature of what I am trying to do, letting my direction be so dependant on my education as a stimulus. Thanks for reading, sorry to babble on about myself.

Enough about me dammit, how about you????

Subtle,

First of all NO life is meaningless. I know exactly what your saying at times I forget that myself and have serious doubts about myself and my meaning in a cut throat world. But, just remind yourself that you would NOT be here had there not been a specific reason.

Look at it this way,,,Have you ever felt someone just needed a smile? How do you know that smile did not save a life? I mean what if that person was at the end of their rope and ready to do something stupid because they felt nobody cared and then this woman looks him/her in the eye and smiles. And yes sometimes that is all it takes just to know someone knows your alive.

You are the most supportive person I know...I have seen so many of your post's...You put your heart into them and I have never read one of your post's and not felt just a little better about myself or my situation. You are kind, generous of heart and very intelligent. And it breaks my heart to see you beating yourself up like this, you do not deserve this from yourself.

Just remember there are more ppl like you who are extremely shy. Maybe, they like you just need someone to understand that it is not that they don't want friendship but they do not know how to ask for it.

Just keep your head up,,,your in my thought's and prayer's
Much love,
Cherity

Reading someone else say that life is meaningless made me smile! (I'm hopeless :D) Was that a typo??? Your comments are so sweet, and appreciated in a cut throat world, thank you. But I swear I am not beating myself up... no broken hearts allowed! If you heard me actually beating my self up it would sound totally different (it's like the 3 stoodges!). I am just at a point of contradiction and total meaningless confusion right now. When I try to discuss issues that I am having people often think that I am beating myself up but I'm not, I guess I just come off that way.

I agree about the smiles. I know I always like it when a stranger smiles at me, or if I can smile as I pass a stranger and they smile back. But when it comes to a lot of the people that I am around regularily in my classes (the only strangers I am near for extended periods of time) they seem to either think my smile is weird (when I can smile, so I guess being nervous makes me smile funny) or they never ever ever look at me to see that I've smiled. Maybe it's my age group. I had an interesting conversation with a complete stranger today, and wasn't even nervous (horray) but he was in his 30's and was a very cool, sweet guy; not sure if age has anything to do with it. I act my age at best. Thanks to him I also know the difference between "its" and "it's" as well (he helped revise a paper). It's not what I thought it was. I've had good conversations with some of my profs too.

I understand a little better; I do not want to force meaning onto my life for the sake of having meaning. I will probably change my mind or come up with a new way to distract myself from the issue by tomorrow!

You have children. Parents have meaning, HUGE meaning, even if the nature of human life is often meaningless. I think that is so cool. Parents are probably the most meaningful people on the planet. Don't worry folks, I'm not going there for a long long time if I ever do :D

Ugh, I shouldn't post anything when my blood sugar has crashed! I forgot to eat dinner I was so aggitated! I'm going to bed- now that's meaningful! Keeps the sheep employed.

lol Well what I said was intentional whether or not I read your post right or not and how is that for not making sense.

Sweet dreams and tommorrow is a new day.

SubtleMuttle if you are a reader this book might lighten the load a little. It did for me at a time and place like you described.

"Desert Notes: Reflections in the Eye of a Raven"

By Barry Holstun Lopez

Take care. Ian.

I'm checking that out mon., thanks!