View Full Version : how i rehabilitated my *many* issues ...

02-28-08, 09:47 PM
i apologize for writing a book here, and i may have got kinda carried away, but this changed my life and it has created a night/day difference in my outlook for the future. if you don't care to read it, i sure as hell won't be offended, because it was actually therapeutic enough for me just to think about. :)

in my opinion, there isn't just a "set" process to release yourself from the grips of self-inflicting pain, self-destruction, anxiety, depression, etc. honestly, though, they're all connected and if you can get to the bottom of it all, then the least you'll be able to do is learn how to deal with things you cannot change without allowing them to cause you pain ... if not finding a resolution altogether.

for me, it was a *VERY* long process. i started by moving back in with my parents -- this happening last year in like january '07. since they think all my problems stem from not going to church, it is actually kind of difficult to even accomplish any legitimate progression while i am exposed to their harsh criticism ... but alas, they do provide the *most* neutral ground for me to be able to rehabilitate myself out of everywhere else on the planet. my parents were able to relieve me of all worldly responsibilities so that i could focus on *only* one thing.

fyi : the "workplace" or *any* social environment will significantly dampen your efforts (if not completely counteract them altogether). and i would recommend that if it is at all possible, quit your job, quit going to school, quit hanging out with friends, and quit everything in which you have to "go" places and interact with others that aren't 100% necessary to your survival, like doctor or grocery store ... until you are *READY* to continue. in my case, i obviously couldn't integrate with society or progress properly, and any attempts at doing so hurt me more than they helped. i had to give myself the opportunity to start fresh, without any obligations that would keep me exposed to anything or anyone that would surface past tendencies.

i believe that by sacrificing this one year out of my life right now to get my head straight, i will be capable of infinitely greater stability and happiness 5 years from now than i could *ever* achieve over my entire lifetime otherwise. without taking this timeout for social disconnection and personal rehabilitation--even if things went as flawless as is humanly possible from this point on--it would be like trying to launch a rocket to the moon using a fuel that isn't even capable of providing enough thrust to break out of earth's gravitational pull. i would end up investing all my resources into trying my hardest just to get my hopes up to try and fail ... which is *unacceptable* to me from here on out.

ANYWAYS, so after jan '07, i literally dropped all my outside relationships and activities. i didn't get a job (i had already quit a few months earlier), and i made it so that i had absolutely *NO* strings attached to *ANYTHING* in society. the only obligations that i allowed myself to have were to myself, and that was it. anything else, for anyone else, would have put too much pressure on me, and i absolutely could not deal with that at the time.

the main reason i dropped all my social contacts was because i didn't need *anything* to influence any part of me during this time of self-help and re-evaluation/development. that's why i got all screwed up in the first place, because i never was able to be myself, homegrown and untainted. i always tried to be something i wasn't. and of course, i always failed. but, until i am confident that i am exactly who i want to be, and i am HAPPY with being that person, i can't allow any pressures of society to participate in this "re-sculpting" of myself. i feel like i've been trying to find myself for my entire life, but only recently have i actually made any progress.

so, after months and months of "hermitizing" myself, even just being away from the negative energy of society was really taking a load off my shoulders. it gave me ample time and space to repair myself psychologically and emotionally. my priority was emotional stability, because i feel that one's emotions are much more powerful than his/her psychology, and one's psychology is more powerful than his/her physique. so i focused mainly on my emotional state of happiness and satisfaction with my life.

like i said before, cuz of the way my parents are with me, it was *extremely* difficult to have a completely stress-free atmosphere in which to work on myself. their negative comments, at times, would push me to fall back into my self-destructive tendencies, which made it even harder because it would result in even more grief. they'd make mean comments because they thought it would have the "reverse-psychology" effect and motivate me to just *instantly* be normal. i think, in the very beginning, this is where it all started, actually ... because in my family, one is not allowed to question authority or to have opinions or ethics of their own devise. if someone in the family isn't per my mom's definition of "normal", then she will do anything and everything to manipulate that to be the case. her philosophy is "my way or the highway", and the way i see it, "give me liberty or give me death." ha ha. :p

back to the point, i changed my state of mind from "i need to figure out how to be a normal part of society" to "i am nowhere near capable of being a normal part of society and i need to figure that out starting from scratch." it was like being a baby again ... i'm glad my parents have put up with me over the past year, because from their point of view, they must think i am an absolute lost cause (they *still* don't understand what i am doing or what i am working through--they just think i want a "free ride" or a privileged life "handed to me on a silver platter" :confused:). after completely disconnecting from society and giving enough time to let the smoke blow over (maybe 3-4 months), i was clear-minded enough to actually start the process of fixing myself.

i started with the fact that i could not interact with people properly. more precisely, i didn't know how to love with my paper-thin heart. so, i began by interacting with plants (ha ha :)). when i was younger, my tendencies would be to break branches off trees, step on little plants, etc. so, i did the opposite, and took care of the yard and garden at my mom's house. i nurtured the plants to be healthy and happy, and i let the sun shine its energy into me while i worked. by doing this, i accomplished three *BIG* things: i was able to share my love with something that would not (and could not) use it against me, i was able to give my energy and time to help something develop and flourish, and my body was given a daily dose of exposure to the only thing we have ever proven to have had a part to play in the creation of life on this planet -- the sun.

just so you know, i had spent the majority of my life after age 13/14 inside with windows shut and doors locked. i would rarely go outside unless i had to, and even then i really didn't like being outside. i associated daytime and the bright and happy sunshine with the type of person i could not be (and was repulsed by the sun just as much). :rolleyes:

but after a month or so, i really began to notice my body changing and becoming more "alive". and by the way, i'm not talking like going out taking in enough sun to get skin cancer, but i did spend a good 2-3 hours a day outside around noontime, soaking up the sun's most powerful rays. i swear to you, with the way i feel now compared to the way i felt *before* i began my "rehab", i think all those corporations that tell us this and that about how the sun straight up damages our skin or our hair or our eyes are absolutely full of 5H1T! i mean, ya, of course, if you stare into the sun or if you let it burn your skin, it is obviously harmful. but in my case, i promise you that the sun is completely responsible for catalyzing huge physiological effects within my body that sparked all sorts of neurological stimulation to tell every part of me that i was "alive" and to start functioning as such. :cool:

so, loving the plants outside and not squishing bugs really helped me stop the destructive habits that i have held onto for so long. plus, i have a 1.5-year old kitty that is absolutely the most lovable thing i have ever known, and what she gives back to me for taking care of her is absolutely invaluable to me. it was so great to "practice" loving and being a positive force, not just in the small world around me, but also inside ... where i deserved the real effect of my efforts.

during these months, i let my body be as natural as it could be. i quit worrying about looking "presentable" or dressing nice, since that always caused me to bug out to the point of self-mutilation (because of being so dissatisfied that i can't make myself the way i want). in fact, i usually just wore a t-shirt and either soccer shorts or sweats, *EVERY* single day, unless i had to go somewhere. aside from completely disregarding my "social-minded" appearance, i did take *really* good physical care of myself, though.

i quit using gel and other crap that just clogs me up, and did everything i could to make things as easy as possible for my body to take care of itself. i exfoliated my skin often to help lighten its workload, i cut all but the most basic foods out of my diet, and i began taking care of my body as if it was actually *my* body. ;) if that sounds kinda funny, well, i mean, come on, i used to chop holes into it or rip hair out of it because i hated it ... ha ha. i had no other options, so i had to learn to coexist with myself ... i can't just go down to the "used body shop" and pick up the body i want. so ya, i came to the realization that i am what i am and so it is in my best interest be exactly that.

fyi, i cut out all pork and nearly all red meat, i focused on eating lots of salmon and fish, but mainly vegetables and fruits and grains, and i tried to make sure that everything i ate was organic or at least unmodified foods. i made sure to get a comprehensive dose of amino acids and vitamins, so that my body had the proper building blocks to satisfy all the demands of constant maintenance and repair.

what i learned after months of letting myself be as natural as i could be is that i was so much more satisfied with what i became. for example, after letting my hair grow out naturally, it became obvious to me that previously, when i would continually cut my hair short, it made me really self-conscious. who knows why ... i mean, all those guys on TV or in magazines have short hair, and they're "hot" or whatever, right? well, like i promised myself, i put the social influences aside and focused on just being ME as i was made.

i realized that the first ever act of self-mutilation that i had ever done was buzzing my hair off when i was 8. it was weird, because that was the time that my hair really started to "fight" against me and when it started getting really course and unmanageable. and it was definitely because it knew that some outside force was severely stunting its growth, and that was just how it reacted. i put 2+2 together and saw that it had been ever since i started "mutilating" my hair that i started my downward spiral into being debilitatingly insecure with my appearance.

allowing my body to be natural, along with not having anxiety from keeping up with society's appearance status quo, allowed me to physically grow to a point that i hadn't ever allowed myself to even get to in the past. it was like a sculptor un-chiseling a sculpture he didn't like back into a block of granite, and then being able to start over fresh. and this wasn't just physical, either. psychologically and emotionally, i was able to allow myself enough time away from the torrent of society to sufficiently "start over" without having to worry about constantly internalizing so much negative energy, which would set me back further than any progress i would ever make. the way i always "swallowed" my negative emotions would *always* result in fueling the fire of my self-destructive actions. i also have found that socially influenced guilt is completely unnecessary and is above and beyond what i should ever accept as *my* emotional responsibility.

anyways, i have spent a full year being a slave to myself, instead of to society. it has been the most constructive time i have ever had in my life, even though (like from my parents' perspective) i have accomplished "nothing." i was able to stop drowning in the ocean, step onto dry land, build myself a boat, and now i am almost ready to try again.

(yea, there's a lot more to it, but i think i've already wrote enough. if anyone's interested, i can go into further details ...)

but all in all, at this point in time, i am about 90% ready to go back into the world and try it again, as the ME that i have come to be accepting and satisfied with. it will be a completely fresh start ... with a "brand new" me. and it will be me as myself, and not anything or anyone else. i won't be ashamed of or hide my deficiencies anymore, and i will only allow people into my life who also only want the best for themselves and for those around them.

i have dedicated myself to psychotherapy for like 8 months now, i have limited my social interactions (with only very positive friends) to a total of maybe 15 instances over the past year, and i have let myself naturally grow to be exactly what i am ... and i believe that this "abstinence" from society's destructive influence has allowed me to strengthen my "shields" and tune my "engine" to be able to get through the storm without problems.

my confidence is at the highest it has ever been, my respect for myself and my body is at the highest it has ever been, and my motivation is like a ferrari redlining ... and i'm about to pop the clutch and peel out. you know what i'm saying? it was like, for my whole life, there was so much pressure for me to get on with life and win the race, that i had no time to even finish building my "car" (resulting in never having a clue of my full potential) ... so when the race started, i was not only constantly repairing things that i did not build correctly, but i was kicking the doors in, spitting on the windshield, and cursing my ride to hell out of frustration -- all because i was a "piece of junk" that couldn't even take myself anywhere but down.

all of my depression came about by this feeling of inadequacy. i felt so helpless ... and it seemed like i had absolutely no control over simple things that should have been easy for me to manage. i somehow convinced myself that i'm just destined to fail, and there is no way to change my luck. this created such a hopeless feeling within me that i let my "standard" emotional state slip from "ok" to "miserable". so in the rare instances when i was "happy", i was still nowhere near "ok" ... and it was depressing in and of itself to even think about comparing a "regular" person's state of "happy" to the happiest i ever felt ha ha. :p

(had it ever come up, and i thought of disneyland--the "happiest place on earth"--during a really low time, i may have ended it right then and there ;))

but, all i had to do was stop trying to move forward and forget about the race entirely. i had to go find a place where there were no outside influences or pressures to impact my life research and personal development. it was important to sit and think about what i needed to change or do in order to build my "ride" to properly handle the course at the peak performance i knew i was capable of ... and to come to understand all of my weaknesses and strengths, and then gather the proper resources and courage to get myself ready to compete in the best way i possibly could. i crucially needed to carry out this "rebuild" to guarantee confidence in knowing that i won't be breaking down (easily), won't be susceptible to external negative forces, nor will i be clunking my way through from the *beginning* this time. ha ha, maybe forty years down the road i can begin to break down ;) ... but *NOT* at the starting line!

i might be re-starting this "race" a decade later than my peers, but i promise you that thanks to the hard knock life i have been exposed to, i have been blessed with great (albeit hard to deal with) learning experiences that will give me *significant* advantages in the real world once i get a chance to try again proper--which, as far as i am concerned, will be my first legitimate attempt at this life, *ever*.

this time, i won't be pressured to start prematurely, plagued with disadvantages and setbacks that i just needed time to figure out. i like to see it as being able to start over from scratch, but with knowing everything that i know now. there will always be hard times and difficulties, but they will be *SO* simple to get through when i don't have countless other uncertainties and insecurities to deal with that are deeply embedded in my foundation.

good luck defeating the demons that possess you. just remember, they aren't a part of *you* ... and they definitely don't have any right to control your emotional and psychological stability. they just got in because you weren't watching out for them. spend some time and get rid of everything that haunts you ... and when you're clean and clear, take yourself out for a test spin (if you did it right, you'll forever be "immune" to all the things that disabled you in the past).

there is always hope. :)

Matt S.
02-28-08, 09:49 PM
Is AD/HD the only diagnosis you carry?

02-28-08, 10:46 PM
diagnosed with, yes.

but i have dealt with self-mutilation, OCD, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphic disorder, and a bunch of other things that (i am assuming) are "side effects" resulting from not being able to focus my mind properly enough to figure out life and society. i have tracked my entire history of "hell" back to ADHD as the core and now that i'm being treated with drugs and therapy for that, everything else seems to be a lot easier to deal with (since i can understand things about myself *so* much better).

i am sure that if i were to have pursued a diagnoses for the rest of everything at its peak influence (which was maybe two years ago), i would probably have a few other legitimate diagnoses.

either way, the most influential factor in all of it was having to deal with life at the same time as trying to figure myself out; the "world" always pushed me deeper and deeper into "psychosis" just because i was having trouble integrating properly. so, this past year i have literally done nothing ... and it has given me time to sit and think (without any interference) about every reason why things are the way the are, and to come up with ways to deal with each and every issue that i have struggled with.

until i am *completely* ready to go back into the world with the capability to block all the negativity of society and let it bounce off my back with no harm done, i will always be susceptible to re-igniting my other issues, like self-mutilation or anxiety. i've always just figured that depression is a compounded result of everything creating an overall feeling of sadness to just be "normal" ...

i haven't been clinically diagnosed with anything but ADHD because i have always kept my psychiatrist under the impression that these other, "darker", conditions are minimal in comparison to my inattentive ADHD. part of this has to do with the fear of my mom treating me differently (in a bad way) as a result of being diagnosed comorbidity. i am also really uncomfortable with the idea of being prescribed a cocktail of drugs to cope with symptoms that i believe are in my best interest to *FEEL* the full force of pain from, in order to gauge my progression in dealing with each individual problem, one at a time.

ADHD holds, by far, the most weight out of *all* of the psychological or emotional issues i have dealt with over my life. it may not have been the most visible, but i feel like it was definitely behind everything else. and as i work hard at learning to live happily and successfully with ADHD, all of my other issues seem to be losing their strength and influence. from this point, if all works out well, i'll never know whether or not anything else was, in and of itself, a clinical disorder.

it is complicated ... but regardless, the best thing i have ever done for myself was burn my whole life down, take a break from every aspect of society in its *entirety*, assess my situation, re-evaluate my strengths and weaknesses, and finally re-build myself from scratch -- focusing on relationships and how i can avoid being an easy target for emotional abuse.

ha ha, my meds are beginning to wear off now and i am really struggling to explain myself with any clarity. my initial post was simply my overall strategy on how i dealt with everything all in one. i didn't know exactly where to post it, since my "timeout" from life really helped me with all sorts of different things, so i just stuck it in personality disorders for lack of a more specific (or broad) category to put it in.

i hope that answers your question ...

Matt S.
02-28-08, 11:08 PM
Oh yeah, I am not trying to be nosy or rude but there is a program for people that suffer from borderline personality disorder and it is called DBT. It helps with all sorts of different things though.

There is a book that describes the DBT program in detail, it is called The Skills Training Manual For Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan, I personally don't have Borderline Personality Disorder but I have the book and it helps with my anger. You can probably get it from the bookstore.

02-29-08, 01:12 AM
oh no worries.

it has always been really hard for me to articulate things in a "simple" way. i also read into things a bit more than i probably should (another effect of insecurities). i just wanted to make sure i actually answered what you wanted to know ;).

by the way, i forgot about narcolepsy ha ha. i am actually working with my psychiatrist right now to find out if i have a thyroid problem, elevated homocysteine, low b12, anemia, or ultimately *another* psychological disorder.

i took a blood test two days ago, and the results will be in by tuesday when i go back to my doc. so ... we'll see. this is something that i absolutely *have* to get taken care of and diagnosed properly, because it is physically debilitating at times.

as per the book you suggested, that sounds like a good idea. i actually haven't studied BPD very much, so i was unaware of the criteria. i just checked wikipedia's entry on it, and it seems like i should check it out.

i can't wait to get things fully under control. i feel like i'm so close to understanding myself completely ... the closest i've ever been.

03-14-08, 06:46 PM
marsah Linehan (