How does your significant other deal with your ADD? I ask because I don't think my wife is really into it. FOr the longest time she was after me to change because I was doing the "typical" ADD stuff--forgetfullness, inattention, anger, mood swings, etc. She took my lack of ability to remember things as my way of getting to her. I wasn't paying attention to her anymore is something I have heard for 6 years or so. It really made the last few years of our marriage almost a nighmare.

Well since my self-diagnosis and official diagnosis, she still does not understand me at all. I had a horrible day today with not being able to concentrate in class, anger, frustration, feelings of inadequacies, etc (typical stuff I guess) and I tried talking to her today about it.

I told her how I felt really good yesterday (my dx was then) and today turned out to be the one of the worst days I have had. I guess my dx has actually made me feel worse.

Anyway, I was telling her that I spent the day thinking about my past and how I have remembered things that made me feel like an ***. How I feel like I'm lost now. How I am just so frustrated that I could break down and cry (wasn't there a thread on sensitivity on here, somewhere?) and don't know where I am anymore.

The only response I got (and I couldn't really believe it and asked her to repeat it) was "Now can you understand how this has affected me?". I couldn't believe it. I told her that I have been an *** over the years and that I now know that it is just the way I am and without treatment it wouldn't get any better. S

she then said that if I can think of how I am feeling, I should think about her and the fact that this was/is/has been 3-4x harder on her than it ever could be on me.

Hearing this I was angry, hurt, you name it. I couldn't believe that came out of her mouth (actually I could, but I figured she would be a little understanding). I just told her that I was not going to blame myself anymore because that does no good.

Sorry so long, but how does everyone's Linear thinking partner handle them since diagnosis?

thanks

Ken

Ken,

Hug's a lot of us have been here and are still here. At times my husband really seem's to understand and at other's he just doesn't want to take the time.

I have tried to explain that while I have made progress in certain areas of my personality and life. It is not something that will ever come naturally and I have to think about it all the time. And when I'm tired or sick I do tend to regress but change is not like breathing it's not a reflex. He has a hard time understanding and when I regress he can be very brutal with his criticism's and then he wonder's why I cry myself to sleep.

I don't have an answer for you I'm sorry...In some way's it does get easy but in others it's so much harder. But, noone promised us rose's and noone said love would be fair and easy.

Keep your head up
Cherity

Thanks. It is just so hard. I try and try and for the longest time I hated the things that I did thinking I was a bad husband and what not. Now I know that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to do exactly what she wanted (not in my genes, I guess, who knows). I just hope she can get to the point of understang.


My life is pretty complicated, but I am trying to make it better. This is the time to make it better. If they can't get better with a "real" "reason" why I do the things I do, I don't know what will happen, but I can guess.

Sorry bad day that hasn't ended yet.

Well tommorrow is a new day,,,don't give up,,,there will be many day's like this but they get fewer and fewer I promise. But, it does take a lot of work and a lot of SUPPORT. I suggest you get your wife involved in the forum's perhap's she will understand more and have a better understanding of what you are going thru. Plus the support she can get here herself couldn't hurt. Just an idea and I do tend to butt in were I"m not wanted. It's a chick thing.lol

Hi 88ssp,

I can certainly relate to how you feel.

My wife and I were married 10 years. For a long time, she was frustrated with certain aspects of my behavior, the forgetfulness, lack of organization, not paying enough attention to her etc. You know what? She was right on all counts.

When I was formally diagnosed with ADD last year (at age 41), I hoped it would mark a turning point in my life and our relationship. Well it did. We decided to separate.

Essentially, my wife explained that now that my ADD is confirmed, there are certain things about me that will never change. However, she is no longer prepared to compromise her goals and needs in order to maintain our relationship.

Your story about "Now can you understand how this has affected me," especially hit home.

I wish I could provide a happier story for your reference but that's been my experience. I just know I have to move on.

I don't know if AD/HD is harder on the person who has it or our Spouses and loved ones. We are affected by it in different ways. I don't know if comparing the ammount we are affected by it really make any sense. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

AD/HD is very hard for those of us who have it to understand. It only makes sense that it would be even hard for somebody who doesn't have it too understand. As much as we want those around us to understand like we do it really is hard for them to understand it.

In time the relationship can get better with patience and understanding on both parts. Try to educate youself as much as you can. Hopefully in time your spouse will also educate herself too.

There are some great books about AD/HD and relationships:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1461

Hi. This is the first time I have posted here. I am going through a divorce now. I was married to my husband for nine years, and we dated for seven. You would think that after seven years, he would know me well enough to accept me for who I am. I must confess that I wasn't a very good wife, but there were times when we were happy... or maybe I was happy and he was just pretending. I am only 33, and I feel like my life is ending. I don't think I will get married again - who wants a person with mental problems? I always knew I was different, and I finally figured it out three years ago. So many of my problems and the mistakes that I have made stem from ADD. I am sorry to be so bitter, and depressing, but it hurts so much that I will most likely never be able to love and be loved in return, that my husband will find someone else, and have children and be happy when it should have been me there by his side.

88ssp & Kiri Te, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough go of it just now.

My relationship with my wife is evolving. However I'm not willing to be such a burden as I once was. I just can't live with those feelings any more. It's do or die for me.

I'm actively pursuing many of the coping strategies posted here as well as the ones I've hammered out with my coach. I'm focusing a great deal of energy in implementing changes that I believe have helped make some positive changes.
My wife finds this very attractive and so do I.

There are ways to work with what we have and tools are readily available. It is up to me to pick them up and use them. I am responsible.

My primary goal in regards to relationships just now is with my eldest daughter. I'm not very patient with her and she needs me to be! GRRRR... I'm not making much headway on this one yet but I will if I keep practising.

Easy does it Kiri Te and 88ssp. I wish you both all the strength you need, to do what you can. Do your best and forgive yourselves. We can love.. and be loved.. learning to love myself is the toughest.

I hope you both find some peace.

Tara.. you use so few words to say so much! ehheh hugs to you.. ;^)

Respectfully, Ian.

Originally posted by itschaotic
<snip> I'm focusing a great deal of energy in implementing changes that I believe have helped make some positive changes.
My wife finds this very attractive and so do I.

There are ways to work with what we have and tools are readily available. It is up to me to pick them up and use them. I am responsible. <snip>

Respectfully, Ian.

Ian, those are the magic words right there - you know there are tools *readily* available and that it is up to *you* to pick them up and use them.

It is hard to see both sides of the coin when it comes to ADD and most partners end up in a battle of who is hurting more. Often times the ADDer points the finger at his/her spouse saying that if they just backed off, things would improve.

The non-Adder points the finger at the other saying that if they *did* more there wouldn't be any need to nag.

We all have thresholds - there is only so much criticizing an ADDer can take from his/her spouse and there is only so much non-action a non-ADDer can take from his/her spouse.

I am willing to bet that the most successful marriages where one partner is ADD, are the ones where the ADD partner has picked up the tools and is using them.

Over and over in these posts you read about how the *linear thinking* spouse just doesn't understand - how that's how the ADDer is and the non-ADDer spouse should just *accept* that.

I think that the same can be said about the *linear thinking* spouse - that is how they are and the ADD spouse should just accept that.

Unfortunately what seems to usually happen is that the ADDer will NOT take action to pick up those tools until their spouse backs off. Why is it dependent on what the non-ADD spouse does or doesn't do?

Like, Ian said - *he* is responsible for himself. ADDers and non-ADDers are each responsible for themselves.

Elizabeth

You guys new I could not stay away from this one. I too have had well documented problems with my marriage to a non ADD women. I feel for what you are all going through. Kiri do not be down on yourself. It is not your fault and I am sure you are not a bad wife. I go through the same things all of you have gone through. My wife at times can be very understanding and at others she could care less. Tara said it very well. I am trying to learn as much as I can about ADD. I know that it is very hard for non ADD people to understand this. My wife and I have good days and bad days. Part of our issue is her personality. She is type A and I am very laid back. I have done a lot change and try and be proactive. you can read about my issues in my threads and my journal. Good luck to all of you. We are all here for each other. Feel free to contact me anytime and I will share anything I can. I am no expert but I do care. And yes I am not sure whether our marriage will last or not.

Every day I thank the Lord I'm with a wonderful woman who "gets it" when it comes to AD\HD.

A.'s adopted son (my "Little Buddy") is AD/HD (diagnosed at 8; he's turned 13 today). She knew more about the condition than I did. When I was dx'd earlier this year, she laughed and said "Now I have TWO 'doozy boys' in my life!!"

A. admits she doen't understand how our minds work (she's very logical, left-brained; Little Buddy is completely right-brained; I'm in the middle) and she does get frustrated at times with Little Buddy (the usual - homework, school behavior, etc.) and sometimes with me (paying attention, procrastination) but she's doing her damndest to be loving, supportive, and understanding for all of us. In return, Little Buddy and I do our best to not let the AD\HD get "in the way" and drive Mom nuts.

After reading so many heartbreaking posts here, I realize that I am a very, very lucky man and how much I love her, and how lucky Little Buddy is to have her for a Mom.

Best of luck and my prayers to all of you who are struggling.

I am touched.
I can't but help think that as gender roles go a woman would more likely be more upset by her husbands struggles as it could be interpreted as a weakness. I don't personally relate as I think I would feel empowered by his desire to communicate and be open.
I try to think what are the tools my most sucessfully married friends posses. It would have to be teamwork, and a lot of acceptance. I know that my downfall is acceptance at times, but I feel that I know what I can't tolerate, so I don't and I remain single.
Yet, as all happy singles go, we are still looking for someone on some level.
So with that in mind, I would advise to look deep within, give the relationship your everything, your best, see how the medication affects you. It may take the edge off your symptoms and that may be enough to helpstay in line of the relationships expectations.

I think we know usually, when we have done our best. I knew after 7 years of busting my butt to try make my relationship work. It was time to move on. We are still close and we are and have both stayed single.
But I know I gave it my best.
Maybe I will never find a Man that I will be satisfied with or visa vesa. It really depends on how bad you need a partner/that partner. That is why I am single, I can't take being repeatedly misunderstood. And am happier since being alone. But, this is not the case for most. And thus some work it out.
A bit of a ramble, I know..

Thanks for the supportive words Ian and Jim. I will get through this, I just like to feel sorry for myself at this time in my life. In time, I will look back and maybe feel that things happened for the best. I am a spiritual person and believe that we are given trials that will teach us to be better, stronger and wiser. It's what we choose to do with our situation that determines if we learned anything.

So much has been said here by many people

My first response is to Kiri Te

I am only 33, and I feel like my life is ending. I don't think I will get married again - who wants a person with mental problems?

Your young, your life is not ending, more taking a turn in the road as life is not a destination but a journey, and last if I had it to do again knowing what I know now about ADD , I myself would only be looking for a fellow ADDer as a partner

My opinion for what its worth

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

and now to respond to 88ssp

Sorry so long, but how does everyone's Linear thinking partner handle them since diagnosis?

My Linear thinking wife has had some very trying times with me and I have no idea why she is still around. I wouldn't have put up with me. !!!!!!!

She has been very supportive even with her, not really taking much time to visit the forums but has relied on me to help her to understand and point out that there are others like me.


There are many things to work out and the will all be different for each and every one of us as we are different from each other and out partners are different for other partners

there is much support here and Tara is a wealth of knowledge with regards as to which books suit the situation

How she remembers which is the correct book Ill never know but you certainly you can rest assured she will send you in a good direction.

My wife is trying.

Sending big positive vibes your way Kiri Te
Take care of yourself. Ian.

I'm with Ian. Coping strategies, coping strategies. That's for us ADDers. And be DEMANDING of your coaches/therapists who purport to prescribe them. I'm dealing with a nonverbal learning disability in addition to the ADD and have managed to contribute to ruining enough personal and professional relationships that I am RELENTLESS about asking professsionals how EXACTLY to organize and how EXACTLY to deal with social issues. I don't think my loved ones deserve any less.

That said, there has to be empathy on behalf of the other person (spouse/SO). I know so many people who don't even want to deal - the type As who must keep up with the Joneses at all costs. I know not all type As are like that, and those are the ones we need.

I'm sorry that I don't sound like my usual empathetic self today; I just think it's REALLY important for us ADDers not to think that medication is going to solve everything, and also that it's REALLY important for nonADDers that choose to be involved with us to at least ATTEMPT to get it (which I think all the nonADDers who post here definitely do). I'm blessed to have a sweetie who, like me, is both ADD and LD (we manifest differently, but I'm sure you can imagine the chaos) but we make deals with each other to define responsibilties, and we are honest with each other even when we lie to the rest of the world (I'm more apt to do that; he's more apt to be brutally honest), and as long as we set goals and share them and make progress we're ok. We're not perfect, but it's OK and I'd rather be with him than any other man I've met (I live in New York and I can't imagine life with some *****hole who wanted a trophy wife who was perfectly turned out and cooked all his meals and dealt with his kids - I'm sure someone would have died). I just say all that to say that if you have empathy and forgiveness and honesty and EFFORT from BOTH PEOPLE, your odds are better.

Luck and love to everyone dealing with this very difficult issue.