I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. So I actually wasn't very sure where to post this. I was wondering if it could be some sort of mixed state, though I don't have a dx of bp right now or anything. But I fear that maybe I'm just reading too much into things?

To start off, I've more or less been feeling really, really depressed lately, like kavorkian-on-speed-dial depressed. But every now and then I get into this weird state of mind that I can't quite understand, which I've been in for the past couple of days:

It's like my mind feels very expansive & active, and very creative and easily stimulated, but my heart/soul isn't keeping up. My heart still feels very sad and heavy, but my mind is having a party.

I feel (literally) paralyzed between wanting to run a marathon and wanting to simply crash and stay in bed forever. Needless to say, I'm not getting much done....

I'm very irritable and a little paranoid (like I keep thinking that people are talking about me, when It's highly unlikely).

I feel like I just want to throw thing around the room, but not in a rage per-se, just as an energy release (like for fun), while at the same time I can really barely move at all.

And somehow I feel extremely anxious and timid, but bold and reckless at the same time.

And in general, just feeling CRAZY


though maybe I'm just really stressed out (though i don't think that I have any more stressors than usual)? am I reading too much into things by wondering about mixed states and all of that?

I'd really appreciate some outside insight on this.

I would call the doctor.

I've been where u are right now. (emotionally i mean). Most likely your not crazy. It may feel like that ( i certainly did in the past) but usually the outcome is that ur not nuts. Feeling like people are talking about you is totally normal for a depressed person. You might have heightened sensitivity as well? IDK.

Like the previous person said. Go see a doc. or reach out to someone you trust.

I'm certainly not an expert, but it could be one, all three or any combination thereof. I would see a doctor before it gets worse. It sucks to feel like that and they might be able to help you so you don't have to feel like that anymore. Hang in there.

Thanks, guys. I think that I mostly wanted to post something to see if I should mention this to a doc or not, and I guess so.

Sometimes it's really difficult to mention things like this to a dr., so I understand your need to post it first. I post a lot of things here that I never mention to my dr. Sometimes posting them here first makes them easier to verbalize later to someone else. I believe that part of this is the anonymity of the forums. For me, it is easier to write a thought than to verbalize it-- and less scary because only my words and my computer screen stare back at me.

I went to the psychiatrist this evening, and I finally had the courage to tell him that I was being tortured by images of myself slashing and cutting my body with knives and my blood running everywhere. I mentioned it in a post here, a day or so ago, but telling him was still difficult. I have been struggling with the depressed phase of things lately (February is the worst month of the year), and, this is strange, the only reason I didn't do it is because a) I don't have a sharp knife because I got all of my knives at the dollar store and b) my fiance would find out and freak out and I didn't want to have to deal with someone knowing about it. I just figured this aspect would complicate matters. The other strange thing, I don't know why I feel the compulsion to do it. On one level it's suicidal, on another it's a fascination with the color red. I have always been profoundly aware of and sensitive to color. When I see these images, I think that I would finally be able to see that intense and ethereal shade of rouge that dwells only in my imagination.

Sorry for the digression. . . my thoughts take me to a profoundly disturbing place at times. So much so that I become afraid of my very self. I hate to see anyone else suffer in this way. As I said before, I hope your dr. can help you figure it out and find some relief.

I would have a hard time telling that to my doctor, too -- if I'm having suicidal thoughts (which are more thoughts that seem invasive than ideas of things to do to actually harm myself) I won't let on how serious they might be, one, because I would never commit suicide, even just from sheer willpower, I guess, because I can't tolerate the thought of my daughter thinking it was her fault (which she would, like all children do) -- and I had an acquaintance that killed herself and her two children -- perfect on the outside, all messed up on the inside.

But since I don't want to be hospitalized I am always very careful how I phrase things. I just can't have someone throwing me into the hospital when I know somehow I can pull myself through it. If I actually thought I was going to do it, ever, I would check myself into the hospital so I wouldn't have a chance.

Some of what you are visualizing sounds to me like what Kaye Jamison (I think that's her last name, ADD, you know) described in her bouts of dysphoric depression or mixed states -- lots of gore, people dying, etc, intrusive thoughts. I wish I knew how that happened, because it sounds absolutely terrifying.

I am also very guarded about what I tell my doc. I was hosptilized before and it was a terrible experience.

Sometimes posting them here first makes them easier to verbalize later to someone else. I believe that part of this is the anonymity of the forums. For me, it is easier to write a thought than to verbalize it-- and less scary because only my words and my computer screen stare back at me.I completely agree. I have found the forum to be hugely helpful in that way. I mean if you're seeing a pdoc, you've got like 15 minutes to try to convey what's going on with you! And it doesn't do much good to walk in and say "I feel like I'm going crazy" and just be confused at how to explain that. Even in therapy - that hour goes really fast, and we make a lot better progress now that I've already thought through things and have an idea how to phrase it.

But since I don't want to be hospitalized I am always very careful how I phrase things. I just can't have someone throwing me into the hospital when I know somehow I can pull myself through it. If I actually thought I was going to do it, ever, I would check myself into the hospital so I wouldn't have a chance.I have to admit though, that as honest as I want to be with my pdoc and therapist, I have a young son and worry what would happen if I say too much - ie. about my self-harm impulses. When I first went in, I was SO depressed and out of it, the pdoc actually asked me who was taking care of my son! That scared me. The most terrifying thought in the world for me is the thought of losing my son. My thinking is not real rational though, because it's not like the state would come and take him away when he still has his dad at home.....right?

Anyway - to justAwierd-o: I have also been feeling "just crazy" the last few days and cannot explain it. The pdoc increased my celexa and klonopin about 3 weeks ago, so I tend to think that has something to do with it. I suffer from agitated depression, and these meds are supposed to be helping, but I just don't know. I feel different - but it just feels like a different kinda crazy. Like I want to go in so many directions that I can't move. I just discovered this week that the best feeling in the world is to just crawl back into bed. I never would allow that before (things to be done you know!). But now - the other day I said F-it to all my responsibilities and literally slept most of the day. Was shocked to wake up at 3:30pm, just in time for my son to come home from school. Don't think I've ever done that before.

I have more work to do than ever, with taxes due and business picking up, and the house is a disaster, but can't seem to do more than a couple of things before giving up. It seems the greater the stress, the higher the anxiety, and I just spin my wheels - pacing - freaking - thinking about self injury.

Are you taking any meds that might be contributing? Other than that, it could be the stress. Like I said, the more stress I have, the poorer I cope. Sometimes if some particular thing is really stressing me, I push it from my mind and nearly "forget" about it, and yet it is still there, driving me nuts until I do something about it. Just an idea. As the others said, it's most important to discuss it with your Dr.

how are you feeling now JAW?

I'm feeling a lot better now, thanks. :) I don't know why, but I don't care :)
I've been out of town for the past few days, so I hope that I didn't worry anyone by posting something like this and then vanishing. Sorry about that.

I really appreciate how the conversation has turned into how hard it is to bring stuff up to docs. I can definitely relate, and it's often just hard for me to say what I mean in an office. Or remember what I want to say. And I've had bad experiences with them taking things the wrong way before.

Well I did finally tell a doc about it, but she didn't do or say much about it. *shrug*
So I'm still a little clueless about it. Oh well. I am feeling a lot better now anyway. I'm not taking any medications or anything right now, by the way.

what were we talking about again? I could just read all the posts but im lazy.

I'm glad you're feeling better, justaweirdo. Sometimes a change of scenery really helps a lot. It's definitely frustrating when the dr. doesn't offer an explanation for things. Even if they can't change anything, couldn't they at least explain so we wouldn't agonize over it?

My response is in bold

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. So I actually wasn't very sure where to post this. I was wondering if it could be some sort of mixed state, though I don't have a dx of bp right now or anything. But I fear that maybe I'm just reading too much into things?

You are not reading too much into things. You are in a rough spot and the fact that you are aware of what is going on is amazing. Please don't ignore your awareness.

To start off, I've more or less been feeling really, really depressed lately, like kavorkian-on-speed-dial depressed. But every now and then I get into this weird state of mind that I can't quite understand, which I've been in for the past couple of days:

It's like my mind feels very expansive & active, and very creative and easily stimulated, but my heart/soul isn't keeping up. My heart still feels very sad and heavy, but my mind is having a party.

I feel (literally) paralyzed between wanting to run a marathon and wanting to simply crash and stay in bed forever. Needless to say, I'm not getting much done....

It sounds like you are describing a mixed state. If this is the case it will be helpful information for your doctor. Mixed states are another flavor of BP and what you describe can help in the development of a treamtnet plan. I rapid cycle, but have had several instances of a mixed state. There is a reason it is called Mixed State Hell. You are going through something very heavy and painful and I am sorry you have to suffer.

I'm very irritable and a little paranoid (like I keep thinking that people are talking about me, when It's highly unlikely).

I feel like I just want to throw thing around the room, but not in a rage per-se, just as an energy release (like for fun), while at the same time I can really barely move at all.

And somehow I feel extremely anxious and timid, but bold and reckless at the same time.

And in general, just feeling CRAZY

You are not crazy. You are just dealing with a very heavy situation. You have something that causes certain limitations. If you were born blind you would have limitations with sight, in this case it is with emotions and perceptions. It sucks, but it is NOT YOU!!!!


though maybe I'm just really stressed out (though i don't think that I have any more stressors than usual)? am I reading too much into things by wondering about mixed states and all of that?

Ahhh...sooner or later the ego has to come in and build a case about something...in the case that you are over-reacting. Do not listen to that little critic in the head...it is lying! Who wouldn't be stressed out oging through your current situation. it's heavy stuff. You are a good person and you deserve help. Please let us know how you are feeling.

I'd really appreciate some outside insight on this.

Thanks, Spongedaddy, all of that is very helpful!
I worry too much about being a hypochondriac sometimes (ironic, yes, lol). So I appreciate the support (from everyone).

I'm still doing much better right now, btw.

I am going through something similar right now. Deffentialy feel like I am going crazy. Going through periods of feeling numb or like I just don't give a ****, to being really sad/depressed. Feeling like I should be doing all sorts of things, but not being able to get off the couch.

Glad to hear that you are doing better, though. I am sure I will get there soon enough