K.. so recently self diagnosed ADHD.. and these forums are even more convincing me (lightbulb is getting brighter that went off in my head).

My mom has been telling me that for years.. but she says it like 'that's what's wrong with you!!". Does that mean that something is WRONG with me!!

ANd.. am I REALLY that annoying..

My mom always wanted me to do things "her way" and I just couldn't.. I'd try and really would try... but no matter how I tried I just couldn't!! AND I can't give you a good enough reason as to why I couldn't..

BUT.. you would think that after 33 years my mom would just realize I'm NOT going to do things or be the way SHE Wants me to be and just accpet it and NOT be annoyed!!!!

BUT. SHE annoys me too! She's in MY house and uggh!! I just want to pull my hair out!

She says she sees my husbands sometimes frustration with me.. (he does things that frustrate me too, though)

Why is it I"M the frustrating one .. could it be that the REST OF THEM!! are frustrating!! UGGGGG!!!!!

Today I am currently fuming after yet another incident with my darling devoted and oddly PERFECT husband. You see, I'm apparently inadequate, ridiculous, nuts, crazy, etc. etc., insert your own adjective here.

Now, last summer I had that magic revelation of "I'm ADD!!". The horrid dark depression that I'd sunk into lifted, because being ADD meant I wasn't broken, dysfunctional, or simply incorrectly wired. I'm ADD and only need to work differently than those living sans ADD.

My entire relationship with this man has been basically: he's perfect, I'm not, and if there's anything I'm enlightened about that he isn't then I'm simply ridiculous and childish teasing ensues. In his world it's simply stupid to spend any time researching anything. It's far better to go with what his parent's think. In his world, only he knows everything and if he doesn't know it, then it's stupid.

I'm getting off track, and I blame the recent "incident". However, here's the funny extra.... My mother is quite like him. Now I've been irked for years because she thinks it's just awful that I do things my way and why on earth don't I do them her way...???

Things, mundane things, should be done her way and doesn't hesitate to point out all the things I should be doing differently. She can't just accept I do things differently. She shakes her head and we spend several minutes discussing the issue. That only serves to further validate for her that I'm ridiculous because my logic makes no sense to her, or I'm simply crazy for presenting logic on the issue in the first place.

However, when I attempt to point out to her that something she's done, ( such as investing all her savings (next to nothing), at her age (nearly retirement age), into ONE stock (just a bad idea anyway), leaving her with just one stock to produce a retirement nest egg in a few short years), is not a great idea, she becomes defensive, argumentative, and feels a need to discuss all my financial errors of the past.

I'm currently being treated like a suicide watch patient. Both her and my husband are waiting for me to do something "ADD" so either he can holler "did you take your meds" and launch into 3 or 4 juvenile tauntings, or she can point out yet another of my faults.

I made a comment to him about some home improvement project I wished to embark upon. His comment "did you discuss this with your mother?"

She's been my mother forever, he's been my husband for 9 years and we have two children.

I feel like they've ganged up on me. I'm taking meds, so clearly I'm not really normal.:rolleyes: I've made past errors, so therefore everything I say now is immediately dismissed. I'm imprisoned by my past. They only see who I was, and can't see who I am.

I apologize for going on such a tangent here but your post hit me at the right time. Why is it I'm now the dysfunctional one, (still), and their way, their thinking and their beliefs are the only valid ones. Am I no longer allowed to think differently?

re: #2

Delores, I"m so sorry to read this.

Nothing like being labelled as the 'symptom bearer" around a bunch of invalidating j*rks. (If I can be so bold as to call them that. ooops! ADD impulsivity)

Tres infantalizing, for starters...

NB Can i tell you that you are 'not the problem'?

It can be very harmful to have a hypercritical parent.

I know one woman [raised by a MOM [whom my SO has quietly mentioned] that has a Paranoid Personality style. This Mom is always "down on people"... this adult daughter of hers is an emotional _wreck_. And, sadly, she [the adult daughter[ can't understand why she has chronic anxiety/depression/smokes her face off.

These negative messages, they can really affect people.

But to add a hypercritical and dismissive spouse to this... Speaking of suicide watches, I might be on a suicide-watch-like program, (etc) too!

I feel like they've ganged up on me.They have. I'm taking meds, so clearly I'm not really normal.:rolleyes:Other family members feel threatened when the designated scapegoat seeks help. I've made past errors, so therefore everything I say now is immediately dismissed. I'm imprisoned by my past. They only see who I was, and can't see who I am.That's their current comfort zone.

Hang in there. As I have said before: when I went on medication, I was shocked to discover I wasn't the only screw-up in the house.

I agree with Imnapl's comments, wholeheartedly. Indeed, the comfort zone and medication comments she made echo that of an ADHD expert who spoke and wrote on the topic of "making changes."


The National Resource Center on ADHD has some material on how we are perceived by others and what to do about it. You may find a more balanced perspective there. Here's the summary:"Relationships & Social Skills
Topics in this section:


Peer Relationships (http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc/peer)
Marriage and Partnerships (http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc/marriage)
Social Skills in Adults with AD/HD (WWK15) (http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc/WWK15)
Interacting with Others: Tips for Adults with AD/HD (WWK 15 short version) (http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc/WWK15S)Individuals with AD/HD exhibit behavior that is often seen as impulsive, disorganized, aggressive, overly sensitive, intense, emotional, or disruptive. Their social interactions with others in their social environment -- parents, siblings, teachers, friends, co-workers, spouses/partners -- are often filled with misunderstanding and mis-communication.

Those with AD/HD have a decreased ability to self-regulate their actions and reactions toward others. This can cause relationships to be overly tense and fragile.

The topics in this section address some of the particular relationships and issues faced by individuals with AD/HD and others in their lives." http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/relandsoc
Good luck to you fellow traveler. :cool:

Hang in there. As I have said before: when I went on medication, I was shocked to discover I wasn't the only screw-up in the house.


Exactly. Pre-ADD diagnosis, I felt he was "saving" me, because he was so stable, so balanced, so.. perfect. :rolleyes: Oh those rose colored glasses.

Now, however, I simply refuse to take crap, and that doesn't go well with either of them. (and yes, QUG, "jerks" is quite appropriate in this instance). Not constantly mind you, but when I attempt to assert MY ideas, opinions, etc., that's when things run amok.

Sorry to the OP for semi-hijacking. If nothing else, you're definitely NOT alone, and definitely NOT the frustrating one.

*makes note to study psychology, figuring throwing big words and Dr. Phil'isms at them will bring entertainment if nothing else.*

Today I am currently fuming after yet another incident with my darling devoted and oddly PERFECT husband. You see, I'm apparently inadequate, ridiculous, nuts, crazy, etc. etc., insert your own adjective here.

Now, last summer I had that magic revelation of "I'm ADD!!". The horrid dark depression that I'd sunk into lifted, because being ADD meant I wasn't broken, dysfunctional, or simply incorrectly wired. I'm ADD and only need to work differently than those living sans ADD.

My entire relationship with this man has been basically: he's perfect, I'm not, and if there's anything I'm enlightened about that he isn't then I'm simply ridiculous and childish teasing ensues. In his world it's simply stupid to spend any time researching anything. It's far better to go with what his parent's think. In his world, only he knows everything and if he doesn't know it, then it's stupid.

I'm getting off track, and I blame the recent "incident". However, here's the funny extra.... My mother is quite like him. Now I've been irked for years because she thinks it's just awful that I do things my way and why on earth don't I do them her way...???

Things, mundane things, should be done her way and doesn't hesitate to point out all the things I should be doing differently. She can't just accept I do things differently. She shakes her head and we spend several minutes discussing the issue. That only serves to further validate for her that I'm ridiculous because my logic makes no sense to her, or I'm simply crazy for presenting logic on the issue in the first place.

However, when I attempt to point out to her that something she's done, ( such as investing all her savings (next to nothing), at her age (nearly retirement age), into ONE stock (just a bad idea anyway), leaving her with just one stock to produce a retirement nest egg in a few short years), is not a great idea, she becomes defensive, argumentative, and feels a need to discuss all my financial errors of the past.

I'm currently being treated like a suicide watch patient. Both her and my husband are waiting for me to do something "ADD" so either he can holler "did you take your meds" and launch into 3 or 4 juvenile tauntings, or she can point out yet another of my faults.

I made a comment to him about some home improvement project I wished to embark upon. His comment "did you discuss this with your mother?"

She's been my mother forever, he's been my husband for 9 years and we have two children.

I feel like they've ganged up on me. I'm taking meds, so clearly I'm not really normal.:rolleyes: I've made past errors, so therefore everything I say now is immediately dismissed. I'm imprisoned by my past. They only see who I was, and can't see who I am.

I apologize for going on such a tangent here but your post hit me at the right time. Why is it I'm now the dysfunctional one, (still), and their way, their thinking and their beliefs are the only valid ones. Am I no longer allowed to think differently?


I have to say.. I see my mom in your post!! Fortunately my husband is on MY side.. I must say.. LOL.. so I AM thankfull for that..

As a matter of fact he does resent my mother for hte way he's seen HER treat ME!! AND put me down alot.. for a lot of my PAST mistakes.. I must say. I'm still the same in most respects but different in the most important respects. And I've put the name on my condition only about 4 days ago while she is here visiting.. I see myself in so many of these posts..

So sorry to hear about your frustration.. and also glad to know I"m NOT alone.. atleast on teh mother issue.

My only concern with my husband now is that every argument we'll ahve he'll throw that "that's yoru ADD talking" argument to me.. LOL.. but only time will tell..

As for my mom.. I give up.. Apparently I did something to hurt her feelings..a dn while I'm not sure WHAT I did (and I can't apologieze if I have no clue what for) I certainly didn't set out to hurt her feelings. I probably just got snappy every once in awhile because she's been frustrating me a little..LOL.. but anyway.... This is typical of our relationship my entire life.. we get a lont much better with her living on the other side of the country!

Thank you for all your posts!

*makes note to study psychology, figuring throwing big words and Dr. Phil'isms at them will bring entertainment if nothing else.*I don't agree with everything that is scripted on the Dr. Phil show - it is entertainment after all, but I've learned that asking the question, "How's it working for you?" gets a lot of mileage in a discussion. :D

I'm currently being treated like a suicide watch patient. Both her and my husband are waiting for me to do something "ADD" so either he can holler "did you take your meds" and launch into 3 or 4 juvenile tauntings, or she can point out yet another of my faults.


My wife doesn't hesitate to ask me if it's time to take another pill, it's quite annoying. :mad:

I just love it when people treat me like crap and then make some moronic statement like ADD causes socially dysfunctional behavior -

Oh so normal people like being treated like crap? Then you should love this!


My entire relationship with this man has been basically: he's perfect, I'm not,

Sounds like you may have married my ex.

Perfect is a delusion created by the illusions of an imperfect mind.



Why is it I'm now the dysfunctional one, (still), and their way, their thinking and their beliefs are the only valid ones. Am I no longer allowed to think differently?

I do not even have this problem any more but I ask my self things like this all the time. I don't think not being ADD necessarily means making any more sense.

I have done very limited research on this= I read a few article

And These People Lable Me Dysfunctional=wtf? (http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=155)

Okay normal is paying for a club house that doesn't exist BUT lack of impulse control is asking "are you people ****ing nuts?"

Okay what ever maybe being ADD means questioning the stupidity most consider normal. . .lets us discuss some NTer forethought that has been in the news lately shall we
{End Quote}

Some things worth pondering possibly - may even get a smile out of the deal.

soooo

It just might NOT be the ADD!

I am sorry you are having to go through this. . . .

Wow, so much in this thread I can identify with. I must have been in my early 30's before I finally found enough courage to tell my mother how she made me feel with her constant need to improve me. Of course she didn't change overnight, but she was more aware of how she sounded and allowed me to make my own choices without her asking things like "Do you really think that blouse goes with that skirt?"

Sadly it took a few more years to finally get the nerve to tell my hubby that I wasn't going to put up his telling me what a screw-up I was. I didn't make a big thing out of it, I would just say, "I'd appreciate it if you would apologize for that comment." Sometimes he would say he was sorry but then would continue to do the same thing. There wasn't any Dr. Phil at that time or I might have found it more helpful to say, "And how's that working for you?" :p


My wife doesn't hesitate to ask me if it's time to take another pill, it's quite annoying. :mad:

I'd probably make the situation even worse by asking if was time for the spouse to take a pill for her attitude? Or asking her if she wanted to be in charge of making sure I took my pills on time so she wouldn't have to ask if I had taken them. I would find that really annoying too, even though I know how hard it is for me to remember to take pills ... er ... reaches for pill bottle...

I'd probably make the situation even worse by asking if was time for the spouse to take a pill for her attitude? Or asking her if she wanted to be in charge of making sure I took my pills on time so she wouldn't have to ask if I had taken them. I would find that really annoying too, even though I know how hard it is for me to remember to take pills ... er ... reaches for pill bottle...
I love to say "Is it time to take a pill for your attitude?", but the verbal abuse that would ensue is more than I care to hear.:eek:

I love to say "Is it time to take a pill for your attitude?", but the verbal abuse that would ensue is more than I care to hear.:eek:

Yeah, I hear that. I put up with verbal/emotional abuse for far too long before I kicked his butt to the curb. It's a wonder that our daughter ended up as emotionally healthy as she has considering my ADHD impatience and insta-rages and her daddy's sarcasm and put-downs.

When I stopped fighting back when he would say things like that and just looked at him calmly and sadly and said "I would expect an apology for that", he was so taken aback he didn't know what to say then.

When I stopped fighting back when he would say things like that and just looked at him calmly and sadly and said "I would expect an apology for that", he was so taken aback he didn't know what to say then.

I've tried that, what I got was "poor baby" and no apology, the response is "it's tooo easy to say 'I'm Sorry', so most times it doesn't mean anything.

I used to apologize for my shortcomings and was told to stop apologizing and just stop doing them. I guess this might have something to do with her not apologizing to me.:(

When I stopped fighting back when he would say things like that and just looked at him calmly and sadly and said "I would expect an apology for that", he was so taken aback he didn't know what to say then.

I have to tell you, I actually did that this morning! Briefly as I can: "argument" on Sat. night, not speaking for DAYS! lol

His way of handling this is to wait until he thinks it's "safe" then to act like nothing happened, with a few snide comments thrown in. Now whether they are for fun, or to prove that I'm the problem and isn't he super for bearing with me while I had a meltdown, I don't know. Whatever, he's retarded.

So, this morning, I assume he felt things had blown over, since he kissed me on his way to work. Then threw in one of his comments, "idiot". (He says this in a joking tone, of course, to water down the effect).

I looked right at him and said "I expect an apology for that". He literally had a look of surprise. And he actually did say "I'm sorry". It was snotty and about as good as I can get out of my seven year old after he punches his sister, but for a man that NEVER apologizes, I nearly wet myself.

This thread really got me thinking. I suppose it was the revelation that I'm not alone in dealing with this.

I started a diary of sorts, righting out how I felt my husband and mother have been treating me. I even wrote about my own mistakes that I readily admit, and am I fixing them, or hoping they go away. I'm holding myself accountable here too.

I cannot tell you what a difference it makes to get my thoughts out on paper. I suppose it's the ADD but I can have a moment of clarity about something, then forget it 20 minutes later, and feel depressed all over that I'm still this moron that can't manage anything.

Well, getting everything on paper has not only opened the faucet up full blast, but it's been quite revealing to me. I'm not a saint by any means, but I definitely see where a lot of my self doubt, and lack of self confidence has been pushed on me.

Initially I was angry. After really thinking it through, I'm relieved. There's two sides to every story, and I was only seeing my life through vaseline covered lenses.

Of the three of us (me, DH and mom), I'm the only one admitting my mistakes, owning up to my errors, and making amends, and fixing what can be fixed. What I've become is an outlet for their own insecurities. I guess if they concentrate on me and my flaws, it's easier to ignore their own.

My husband is a wonderful guy, but he's got problems like anyone else. His biggest I guess is that he won't acknowledge that he could be flawed. He boasts about the things he is good at, and ignores what he's not. I love my husband, but I'm no longer going to allow him to: A. make me doubt my own intelligence or character, B. make me feel less than, or C. make fun of me.

I can't change him, but I can change how I react to him. It's fun to realize I'm FINE, they're the ones with issues!!! LOL :p

My mom? No fricken idea. lol :rolleyes:

THE 12 MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
ABOUT VERBAL ABUSE AND VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE (http://adrr.com/aa/FAQ.html)

I do the not so gentle art of making verbally abusive people want to leave me alone - it works in person, over the phone and over the internet - but being a verbal bull in a china shop of social society isn't every ones style - so I shall offer some thing a little more in tune with main stream mental health.

Boundaries (http://www.ybrt.org/bounder.html)

If you are subject to frequent verbal attacks then it is obvious you do not have good relationship boundaries - here is a site that will explain this boundry issue better than I can in a single post.


Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships (http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm)

I cannot tell you what a difference it makes to get my thoughts out on paper. I suppose it's the ADD but I can have a moment of clarity about something, then forget it 20 minutes later, and feel depressed all over that I'm still this moron that can't manage anything.


Good post.

I quoted the above portion because I used to keep a journal as well and it's one of the "pieces" I had which something was wrong but didn't attribute it to ADD since I wasn't aware of the effects.

Basically I'd write down whatever it was I learned, promptly forgot about it, then would have a "eureka!" moment and "discover" the same thing all over again...then forget about that as well. It was only when I'd go back and read my entries where I realized I was doing the same behavior but for some reason the lessons I learned weren't sticking.

THE 12 MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
ABOUT VERBAL ABUSE AND VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE (http://adrr.com/aa/FAQ.html)

I do the not so gentle art of making verbally abusive people want to leave me alone - it works in person, over the phone and over the internet - but being a verbal bull in a china shop of social society isn't every ones style - so I shall offer some thing a little more in tune with main stream mental health.

Boundaries (http://www.ybrt.org/bounder.html)

If you are subject to frequent verbal attacks then it is obvious you do not have good relationship boundaries - here is a site that will explain this boundry issue better than I can in a single post.


Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships (http://www.coping.org/relations/boundar/intro.htm)

Good links. Now, I want to know your "not so gentle art". This recent enlightenment has brought on a whole new level of confidence. However, I still don't know how to respond to their snarky comments.

Good links. Now, I want to know your "not so gentle art". This recent enlightenment has brought on a whole new level of confidence. However, I still don't know how to respond to their snarky comments.

Sometimes having a third person help to explain things to each other is helpful. Would your husband be willing to go to a family therapist a few times so he can understand how having ADHD has been a struggle for you, but that you are aware of the problem and are working on finding new strategies to deal with it? And he can explain how frustrating is has been for him to live with someone who can't remember to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer - or to take her meds on time?

And the therapist can help him see that his attitude isn't helping anyone. :(


My own hubby wasn't willing to go to a therapist with me, and eventually I kicked him out of the house. My former son-in-law wasn't willing to go to a therapist either, however 4 years later he has begun going to the family therapist for the sake of the children and has really gotten his eyes opened to how much different it is for the children when they're at home during the week with schedules and homework compared to the weekends where they can sleep in and don't have to do anything.