imsietze
03-13-08, 07:58 AM
"When you see the Southern Cross for the first time, you understand now why you came this way"..........Buffalo Springfield
A charismatic young Sociology professor impressed upon me, in my freshman year, the concept that contemporary music is a barometer of that societies status. I have since listened to lyrical verse with greater attention.
I got out of town on a trip to my local retreat. I belong to an archery club that is located on fifty acres of slide area restricted land managed by the Nature Conservancy. The restriction on usage and the difficulty in accessing to the property keeps most people away. Membership has it's advantages; and, one of ours is a key to the gate and the dirt road to the range. Sitting two-hundred yards above the Pacific Ocean and with a few twenty-one miles across the sea of Catalina Island it is a wonderful place to spend some time with my dog. We need the open spaces to run off the leash for awhile.
I was making for the beach on a downhill run when Dale ( a senior member) pulled up in his truck. We have gotten alot of rain lately and the bush greened over everything. I offered to help clean things up when he opened the trailer with the clubs tools. He handed me a weed-wacker and I was on my way. The noise of the cylinders running with a wide open throttle is soothing and gave me pause to wonder why I had run away. I began to think about the many times I have fallen into dishabilitating depression and isolated myself. But now a larger voice was calling me. Whatever had brought me here today cannot be forgotten.
I have been all over looking for my confidence and to be accepted by normal society as worthy. I've searched far and wide for a place to settle in and call home. Now I have returned to my native land under diress and I am trapped here with no avenue of escape. I had moved away from the city and lived in states and counties with great open spaces. Out in the country I was content but now I must endure a sea of asphalt and concrete.
Hiding a lack of confidence and low self-esteem I prayed nobody saw me bluffing but I was laying the foundation for a future I would dread. Seemed like every choice I made would somehow leave me second guessing about the green grass I was passing as I raced to the other side. I could chill a room with reasons why I could not give forgiveness to the people who had selfishly left me a wounded soul. I kept dragging around those memories like a ball and chain behind me wondering why my troubles followed me wherever I would go. Thinking about the many times I have fallen I heard a larger voice calling. Whatever brought me here cannot be forgotten but no more hanging on to the past filling up my tomorrows with yesterdays sorrows. I sware I heard those shackles snap as I took that path and I thanked God for the blessing that I finally learned this lessen that one step in the right direction is worth a wasted mile behind.
As the day progressed I felt my "chi' strengthen. I completed my chores and noted the appreciation of those who had witnessed my labor. Me and Cody (my dog - a Husky-Raught mix; black dog with blue eyes) went fishin'and hiking along the beach. Upon returning I found other people had arrived. I didn't know these folk but after we introduced ourselves, Cody and I seemed to get their approval. Most people are standoffish upon first impressions. My red-neck ways and Cody"s stricking looks appear out side
"normal" experience. But that defensive behavior is dispensed shortly as they recognize how non-threatening and loving we are. So I left with all my flags flying and headed to the opposite side of the range so I could crank my music up load and sling a little mud with my four wheel drive.
When I got there I found that we wouldn't be alone. As I pulled up I thought I recognized a guy standing there as a child hood friend and called out his name. It wasn't him and I was unable to comprehend the reaction my outburst had created. I felt that apprehension I have of making a fool of myself with "deviant" behavior and leading me down into the dark horrible pit of disabling depression when out of nowhere I made a powerful
connection with the other person. This normal person and I shared strong and deep experience: the 5150 hold phenomenon. With extremely animated expression we trade the facts of our separate events and the opinions and attitudes that we where left with. They were almost identical
After that we began to have a great time.
Later in the afternoon another truck pulled up and I recognized the driver.
Dan was part of a group I thought I had made gains with in terms of being accepted but was now the main reasons I was avoiding this place because I thought I had displayed my ADHD as@#holeness and been totally rejected.
And especially by this person because he had incidentally become part of my "sense of humor". About five of us were standing around talking and taking turns shooting at new targets we had set up. Don was up setting a good pattern with his arrows at about forty-yards and everyone else behind him watching. So I decided to pull out the old fart machine and set it down i a bush near him. (A fart machine is an remotely operated electronic "whoopy cushion"). So now with all curious to what I was up to I fired up the remote. I let go just as Dan pulled back the string on his bow. Hey, it was a crack-up. Has that effect when an experienced operator as myself selects the just right application of this modern technology. But darn if it didn't embarrass this nice mellow school teacher lookin' guy I really liked. Later after all the guilty hilarity had worn off I felt that I had blundered and began to feel bad.
But what happened when Dan saw me there talking to his buddies was that he looked glad to see me. Turns out they all grew up in the same harbor city as I did. They went to the same high school, cruised the same streets as I had growing up. They had received the same socialization as myself. I was home! We cheated, lied and trusted; never failed to fail because it was the easiest thing to do. I'll survive being busted. I know in can endure; I know I will.
We are supposed to get out of there by sunset because of some safety rules. They all took off but I couldn't leave. Cody felt like staying! Bad dog! It got really dark with only a crescent moon out. I chased and pleaded with Cody to get in the truck so we could go home but he just don't listen sometimes. I was really enjoying this because it is an excuse to stay when everyone is gone and have no worries of upsetting anyone. They were playing great rock'n'roll and kickin' country all over the radio. I
had know trouble keeping the radio cranked up. I was nailing targets out in the darkness with stones off the road. I was in harmony with my environment;or,I was strongly connecting to my "chi". This connection to the life force is essential and the only thing worth staying alive for. It comes as grace given in a trinity of faith, hope and love. I laided down on the road and staired up at the stars. Orion was looking sharp but just over his left shoulder I saw a pattern of stars I had never been aware of. It was a cross for me. Aloha!
A charismatic young Sociology professor impressed upon me, in my freshman year, the concept that contemporary music is a barometer of that societies status. I have since listened to lyrical verse with greater attention.
I got out of town on a trip to my local retreat. I belong to an archery club that is located on fifty acres of slide area restricted land managed by the Nature Conservancy. The restriction on usage and the difficulty in accessing to the property keeps most people away. Membership has it's advantages; and, one of ours is a key to the gate and the dirt road to the range. Sitting two-hundred yards above the Pacific Ocean and with a few twenty-one miles across the sea of Catalina Island it is a wonderful place to spend some time with my dog. We need the open spaces to run off the leash for awhile.
I was making for the beach on a downhill run when Dale ( a senior member) pulled up in his truck. We have gotten alot of rain lately and the bush greened over everything. I offered to help clean things up when he opened the trailer with the clubs tools. He handed me a weed-wacker and I was on my way. The noise of the cylinders running with a wide open throttle is soothing and gave me pause to wonder why I had run away. I began to think about the many times I have fallen into dishabilitating depression and isolated myself. But now a larger voice was calling me. Whatever had brought me here today cannot be forgotten.
I have been all over looking for my confidence and to be accepted by normal society as worthy. I've searched far and wide for a place to settle in and call home. Now I have returned to my native land under diress and I am trapped here with no avenue of escape. I had moved away from the city and lived in states and counties with great open spaces. Out in the country I was content but now I must endure a sea of asphalt and concrete.
Hiding a lack of confidence and low self-esteem I prayed nobody saw me bluffing but I was laying the foundation for a future I would dread. Seemed like every choice I made would somehow leave me second guessing about the green grass I was passing as I raced to the other side. I could chill a room with reasons why I could not give forgiveness to the people who had selfishly left me a wounded soul. I kept dragging around those memories like a ball and chain behind me wondering why my troubles followed me wherever I would go. Thinking about the many times I have fallen I heard a larger voice calling. Whatever brought me here cannot be forgotten but no more hanging on to the past filling up my tomorrows with yesterdays sorrows. I sware I heard those shackles snap as I took that path and I thanked God for the blessing that I finally learned this lessen that one step in the right direction is worth a wasted mile behind.
As the day progressed I felt my "chi' strengthen. I completed my chores and noted the appreciation of those who had witnessed my labor. Me and Cody (my dog - a Husky-Raught mix; black dog with blue eyes) went fishin'and hiking along the beach. Upon returning I found other people had arrived. I didn't know these folk but after we introduced ourselves, Cody and I seemed to get their approval. Most people are standoffish upon first impressions. My red-neck ways and Cody"s stricking looks appear out side
"normal" experience. But that defensive behavior is dispensed shortly as they recognize how non-threatening and loving we are. So I left with all my flags flying and headed to the opposite side of the range so I could crank my music up load and sling a little mud with my four wheel drive.
When I got there I found that we wouldn't be alone. As I pulled up I thought I recognized a guy standing there as a child hood friend and called out his name. It wasn't him and I was unable to comprehend the reaction my outburst had created. I felt that apprehension I have of making a fool of myself with "deviant" behavior and leading me down into the dark horrible pit of disabling depression when out of nowhere I made a powerful
connection with the other person. This normal person and I shared strong and deep experience: the 5150 hold phenomenon. With extremely animated expression we trade the facts of our separate events and the opinions and attitudes that we where left with. They were almost identical
After that we began to have a great time.
Later in the afternoon another truck pulled up and I recognized the driver.
Dan was part of a group I thought I had made gains with in terms of being accepted but was now the main reasons I was avoiding this place because I thought I had displayed my ADHD as@#holeness and been totally rejected.
And especially by this person because he had incidentally become part of my "sense of humor". About five of us were standing around talking and taking turns shooting at new targets we had set up. Don was up setting a good pattern with his arrows at about forty-yards and everyone else behind him watching. So I decided to pull out the old fart machine and set it down i a bush near him. (A fart machine is an remotely operated electronic "whoopy cushion"). So now with all curious to what I was up to I fired up the remote. I let go just as Dan pulled back the string on his bow. Hey, it was a crack-up. Has that effect when an experienced operator as myself selects the just right application of this modern technology. But darn if it didn't embarrass this nice mellow school teacher lookin' guy I really liked. Later after all the guilty hilarity had worn off I felt that I had blundered and began to feel bad.
But what happened when Dan saw me there talking to his buddies was that he looked glad to see me. Turns out they all grew up in the same harbor city as I did. They went to the same high school, cruised the same streets as I had growing up. They had received the same socialization as myself. I was home! We cheated, lied and trusted; never failed to fail because it was the easiest thing to do. I'll survive being busted. I know in can endure; I know I will.
We are supposed to get out of there by sunset because of some safety rules. They all took off but I couldn't leave. Cody felt like staying! Bad dog! It got really dark with only a crescent moon out. I chased and pleaded with Cody to get in the truck so we could go home but he just don't listen sometimes. I was really enjoying this because it is an excuse to stay when everyone is gone and have no worries of upsetting anyone. They were playing great rock'n'roll and kickin' country all over the radio. I
had know trouble keeping the radio cranked up. I was nailing targets out in the darkness with stones off the road. I was in harmony with my environment;or,I was strongly connecting to my "chi". This connection to the life force is essential and the only thing worth staying alive for. It comes as grace given in a trinity of faith, hope and love. I laided down on the road and staired up at the stars. Orion was looking sharp but just over his left shoulder I saw a pattern of stars I had never been aware of. It was a cross for me. Aloha!