I've always been......a little different compared to other kids growing up, I spent alot of time being cared for by a very superstitious and over protective guardian who insisted that I shouldn't play with others mainly because it was difficult for the guardian to keep an eye on me, so I rarely played with others under her care, instead, I watched TV....alot, when under the guardians care thats all I pretty much did, as such I seemed to find something interesting in incredibly boring things, I just watched and watched after school until I was picked up by my mother, during this time, I was quiet, not really thinking at all, not consciously anyway, I never really asked questions, I never really spoke much during that time, the guardian would always bring out sandwich's cut in quarters with a glass of water, this was pretty much my after school routine, that is until I was collected or until the second guardian came home, the second guardian is very musical, always cheerful, making jokes all the time, I think I may have adopted him as my 'father figure' so to speak, the time up until then I was in somewhat limbo.

So for about....3-4 hours a day I watched TV solidly, watching anything, weither it was a boring talk show that the guardian wanted to watch or a kids show, a good measure to see how well programs on TV educate children growing up would be to measure my intelligence.

When I was picked up I had dinner and played football with my friends until dark, either that or went round a friends house who lived a couple of houses away, when I was there, pretty much all I did was watch him play computer games, that is until I had to go home, he kept asking me if I wanted a go but all I wanted to do was watch (as mentioned before, I was a strange kid).

As a result, I seemed to have been a very polite, cheerful, kid, I can never remember being angry in primary school, maybe a little annoyed at one person once....but thats about it, and even then it was because I knew I should be annoyed so I acted accordingly.

I always followed, never wanted to lead, I never wanted attention, just wanted to be around people, I was included in games and such, because I played football alot with the other kids and was always cheerful and such I was well liked by alot of people, though....I wouldn't say fully included, more around as an observer, listener and participator, as I said because of the playing football thing I made friends with the older kids which seemed to have made me automatically popular, I never seeked attention though, I was quite content no matter what, I was bullied in primary school, thrown about a bit, little name calling, but never effected me emotionally, kinda strange, I can remember a couple of instances where I was hurt by a couple of kids that bullied me but when they left I just picked myself up completely unphased by what happened and continued doing what I was doing, even if I was hurt to the point of tears, I just waited till I stopped then went back out there.

Highschool was a little more problematic, lot of name calling and stuff, too much info to put in a single post really.

anyway, now, I'm a computer student who really likes helping others, who's very polite, who is seen as intelligent by others but yet, I put myself down in mockery alot, I don't want to be revered as intelligent nor do I really want to stand out in anyway, I'm not competitive at all so I don't care about being better for other people, the most I seek is acknowledgment.

One problem that I have now is that I have a degree and half way through another one, but I don't seem to want a job because I think I will fail, the failing doesn't really bother me as much, it's more the idea that I'm not competent, I think thats something that worries me, I'm afraid I won't be competent in something because I've always worked in groups, worked when helping other, I could work well with another even if we're both doing separate projects but I seem to need another with the same interest around to be able to do that.

I had a mate at uni who kept getting annoyed because my marks were somewhat low even though I was constantly teaching him and his marks were high, he pretended he hadn't done his work so I helped him do it the work in question was terrible compared to what he usually did, putting his work as more important than mine, afterall I didn't need help, he did, come hand in time I had a scrappy piece of work I had started a couple of hours before hand in, he gave me the work I had helped him with and took out the work he had done by himself!, he knew what I would have done and....in effect tricked me into doing my work!, I got a top mark, unfortunately that one didn't work on me again, none the less, I managed to keep an average to just below average mark on everything except difficult subjects, with difficult modules I got distinctions and merits, this confused the hell out of my teachers.

to try and summarise:

Kid me: observer, always content, never felt negative emotions, bullying didn't effect me emotionally at the time that I was aware of anyway, always felt somewhat detached, always the follower never wanted to be a leader.

Me now: content, currently working a low skill job because of fear of competency, still somewhat detached.

Positives: content, polite, good sense of humor.

Negatives: not even slightly ambitious, not really anxious to use my degree was just content and happy learning.


I was just wondering if anyone else is/was like that I guess, after reading "my brain is like the internet" I felt like doing something similar I guess, I was wondering if I could be displaying ADHD traits because of the upbringing, because I don't really think I have ADHD, I know the best choice of action would be to go get tested, would just like opinions, idea, conjecture.

anyway, thanks for reading if you managed it, sorry for the poor writing, I was never any good at english in school.

WOW! Its like Reading about myself! Thanks a lot DimensionX for posting that!

For me, like you assertiveness is a BIG isshue. lateley I have adopted a new type of art form that is the artistic equivilint to beating somebody in the face with a baseball bat.

Griffitti! (I do it Legaly, but it still feels great)

anyway, now, I'm a computer student who really likes helping others, who's very polite, who is seen as intelligent by others but yet, I put myself down in mockery alot,

In other words you a giant walking target for other students right? "hey, so-n-so will help me with this!" x ten people gets old...fast... I feel for ya.

I can tell that ya really needed to vent about a lot of things, just remember to start becomeing more assertive.

The point may be that you, at some degree have been CONDITIONED, to be doctile...That isn't a place you wan't to be my friend.

If that sounds just a little harsh to you, listion to me. In ANY career, there are people who will take advantage of you, and those people consider people like you thier prime targets. Your Lucky that your friend is watching your back, because just consider for a moment if this was a bisnuss situwation, and he fakes your work for his, got top marks, a promotion, a bigger pay check, and left you were you were.

Be cautious. Be Strong, Be smart, Do your best, Bite only what you can chew.