This is from my myspace blog that I just posted today.. and thought I'd share it here.:(

This one will be a long long blog. I'm writing this today from.. well from not such a good place. To put it quite frankly and honestly... things just aren't good. Marriage is in trouble, finances are a mess and once again I'm a little lost.. although the last two portions of this statement is probably no surprise to those that know me best.. the first is in new unchartered territory as I have never been married before. I suppose though, that we can chalk that up to a rocky relationship category something I"m familiar with in my family life, in my past love life (although not all those problems can be attributed to ADHD) and probably some of my friendships.
Last week I put in my headline "Learned a lot about myself lately". I had meant to write the blog about what that meant exactly, but just wasn't quite up to the task. Now I am. My mom has been telling me for a long time that she believes I have ADHD. And, as right as she is and I see now.. I didn't want to admit that or even acknowledge that because I took that as "THAT is what is WRONG with you!".. as if my ADHD was why I was ..well all the bad things I felt about myself. I really couldn't take hearing that from her for many reasons.. too many to get into here.. BUT havnig to do with ADHD and how you feel about yourself your entire life as a result.. because of how others see you and what you've been told about yourself your entire life. Someone else outside my inner circle .. okay it was a psychic.. asked me while lookign at the cards if I had ADHD. I told her my mom THINKS I do but I don't think I do. She told me to read this book .. Delivered from Distraction.. written by two doctors that are themselves ADHD. Well.. I did and oh my god.. a light bulb went off in my head. It was if the book was written about me! I mean REALLY written about me. It certainly explains a lot in my life.. about how others think of me.. about how i think others think of me and about how I think about myself. I FINALLY have an explanation as to why I AM the way I am. Why I've never been able to REALLY accomplish anything, why I never really am able to finish anything and why I loose interest in things and then am completely useless in doing them. There's more to it than that.. cause it also explains why my whole life I've tried tried tried and yet always seemed to FAIL despite the trying. Why I've known that even if I didn't get it right I DID try and why no one around me could see that I had tried so hard. They only saw my failures.. and so I only saw my own failure. My whole life I've secretly felt like and secretly feared that failure and hearing that "I told you so moment" when I once again started something and then later "changed my mind". I can understand how frustrating that must be for those around me .. I just wished they knew how frustrating that is for me more than anything or anyone else.
Knowing that that is and why that is is HUGE.. but it's also a little scary. Because it means that no matter how hard I try I won't be able to change it..because there is a reason why that is beyond any amuont of trying. Perhaps getting treatment and taking drugs for it WILL help, although there are aspects of ADHD that I feel makes me really who I am.. the parts that I DO really like about myself and I don't want those things to go away. I think, according to ADHD boards, a lot of ADD'rs feel that way. I guess all you can do is try the different treatments and I will .. but first I have to get the "official" diagnosis. Although I KNOW in my heart that I Do have ADHD..because like I said..it makes all my life and my fears and a lot of things make sense.
So what brought on even more of this revelation. Well.. I guess you can say that my marriage is not holding up well these days. Part of it is because of some of the complaints my husband has about me that are quite obviously tied into the ADHD part of me.. it must be because it seems to run a long the same theme the rest of my life and family personal relationships have run along. My husband now makes me feel like the failure I've always felt around my family. ..which I KNOW is not THERE Fault and is the ADHD.. BUT it's because they are the ones closest to me that SEE that part of me and then make me feel that way. A revelation I"m having now is that is probably why I was always much "nicer to my friends" as my mom would always tell me..because thinking about it now.. my friends didn't see that in me.. and my husband didn't either (but sees the failure now after 5 years). and so being around them brought me joy and made me feel ..well not so bad about myself.
Again. that failure feeling is NOT their fault. BUT.. still with my husband and ..maybe not my mom. .. but others that know me that well.. to them it's just a matter of "just change". And that's where my husband is with me.. not realizing that it's not a matter of willing myself to "change". I've tried that.. with him, with them.. and it doesn't work. So there are thigns I will do to manage and get a handle on this ADHD.. BUT at the same time he has to learn that I am who I am and while a pill may help, it may not take those things away entirely.
BUt.. and this is a big butt.. NOT all our problems are BECAUSE of my ADHD.. that's only HALF of the problem... the other half of the problem is HIM and the way HE is and how he doesn't quite know how to be "married". But that is for another blog.
As for now.. I'm a little lost. I've wrapped myself up and super focused on being Tristan's Mom that everything else kind of fell to the wayside. I've lost a little bit of myself.. but then not quite sure who that is (I've lost interest in Real Estate.. big surprise there.. and have stopped doing that). So .. I start the quest of trying to find myself again.. only THIS time I figure.. what's the point. I'll get interested in it START it and then change my mind later and find myself back here again (at this low point feeling lost).
And.. this next thing is ANOTHER huge thing that is holding me back. I fear that if I find something OUTSIDE of the house and my son to get interested in that I will loose interest in him and then fail him.. . I"m afraid that something outside of him will pull my focus from him and I'll mess it up. I know how ridiculous that may sound to a lot if not most of you.. but I think it's a real fear for a lot of people with ADHD.. or atleast those with my history. I also fear is that that is what everyone that knows me best expects of me (I've gotten used to everone expecting my "failure" and they have always been right.. but I don't want them to be right). It's extremely frustrating and a little debilitating to tell you the truth.
I guess I will just have to try the meds and figure it out and hope that there is some sort of magic pill (along with some therapy) that will help me FINALLY get a handle on myself and on my life.