I was to meet a friend for dinner last night. They were going to be 15 min. late, so I told them I was going to order my dinner and start eating. They whined that it was polite that I wait for them. I was thinking, it is more polite if they showed up on time. :cool:

Ok... so during dinner, they have the nerve to state that I am stubborn. lol... they actually used a bigger more impressive word for it, but I told them to put it in basic terms (obviously, I did not know what the big word was).

Anyway, I am thinking, how dare! They are are just calling the kettle black as they have been medicated for ADHD and anxiety for a number of years. They are defiante and rebellious to any constructive criticism. I just told them that I set my boundaries versus they are just sensitive.

Another thing that annoys me, is 'normal' people expecting me to respond or conduct myself normally ~ whatever that means. I am not totally socially inappropriate, but at the same time I voice my commentary if I feel there is something unjust or just doesn't seem right.

growl...

So because we have ADD, it's okay for us to act like jerks? Come on, get serious. There are definately some things I cannot control about my behavoir, such as the way it frusterates me when my little sister practices her singing right outside my computer room. I want to support her even though I can't stand to hear her sing while I'm working on something. I do my best to tolorate it, but sometimes I have to ask her to sing in her room or somewhere else I can't hear. If you want people to be flexable with you you have to make an effort to be flexable with them.

If you want people to be flexable with you you have to make an effort to be flexable with them.

I believe that was exactly the point Weeping Willow was trying to make in her post! Am I right, Weeping Willow?


Sue<!-- / message -->

Another thing that annoys me, is 'normal' people expecting me to respond or conduct myself normally ~ whatever that means.


I totally agree. I do try very hard in social situations to act like a normal person and just chat along like I know what the hell anyone is talking about. It's annoying having to adopt a fake persona.

Doesn't sound like Weeping Willow was being a jerk at all. They were late, he was hungry - so he ate.

Seems like if they were angry about that, then they were just being morons. I see no reason for Weeping Willow to be punished for THEIR mistake (of being late).

Seems like a stupid rule that you have to eat at the same time as others anyway. I mean, honestly, who here really cares if someone starts eating before you? It doesn't effect you at all, in any way. Your food will still taste just as good if you and your friend eat simultaneously or not.

Dont judge me but I think that was kinda rude for you to not wait 15 mins for them to show up.. Being late is bull**** but you sitting there watching them eat is not right...

M2C..

Ya, it's not "right" that he had to sit there and watch them eat. I guess if they had shown up when they said they would it wouldn't have happened, eh?

I'm just gonna add my last post in here too:

Doesn't sound like Weeping Willow was being a jerk at all. They were late, he was hungry - so he ate.

Seems like if they were angry about that, then they were just being morons. I see no reason for Weeping Willow to be punished for THEIR mistake (of being late).

Seems like a stupid rule that you have to eat at the same time as others anyway. I mean, honestly, who here really cares if someone starts eating before you? It doesn't effect you at all, in any way. Your food will still taste just as good if you and your friend eat simultaneously or not.

I'm just gonna add my last post in here too:

Doesn't sound like Weeping Willow was being a jerk at all. They were late, he was hungry - so he ate.

Seems like if they were angry about that, then they were just being morons. I see no reason for Weeping Willow to be punished for THEIR mistake (of being late).

Damn Woodbury, thanks for having my back!

Hmmmm, it is not like I eat with random strangers and conduct myself in such a manner. This was a long time friend in which we know one another's quirks well. The truth is, the scheduled times I make with friends to eat is just that... scheduled times. I would not be offended in the least if they ordered their meal if I were late.

By-the-way... he was surprised that I did wait for him. I even shared my fries with him!

It is good to see that proper manners, etiquette, retrain of tongue in social settings, rules of conduct are written here.

Like I said.... Woodbury, I'd hang with you any day... and ask for a bite of your meal if I were late... :)

I totally agree. I do try very hard in social situations to act like a normal person and just chat along like I know what the hell anyone is talking about. It's annoying having to adopt a fake persona.

I take it, you to understand feeling out-of-place in social settings, when you look around and see people being what others expect them to be.

Props! to you for being daring to be you!

Conformity to be like everyone else is over rated!

I believe that was exactly the point Weeping Willow was trying to make in her post! Am I right, Weeping Willow?


Well stated Sue.

I think it goes both ways. Considering they were 30 minutes late, instead of 15.

Anyway... I know better then to GENERALIZE what ADDers do. I can only write for self. It most definately is a sensitive matter I am finding out. I am glad there are shining examples from people on here in respect to that saying "Do as I do... or is it, do as I say, not that I do?"

:cool:

I was to meet a friend for dinner last night. They were going to be 15 min. late, so I told them I was going to order my dinner and start eating. They whined that it was polite that I wait for them. I was thinking, it is more polite if they showed up on time. :cool:

Ok... so during dinner, they have the nerve to state that I am stubborn. lol... they actually used a bigger more impressive word for it, but I told them to put it in basic terms (obviously, I did not know what the big word was).

Anyway, I am thinking, how dare! They are are just calling the kettle black as they have been medicated for ADHD and anxiety for a number of years. They are defiante and rebellious to any constructive criticism. I just told them that I set my boundaries versus they are just sensitive.

Another thing that annoys me, is 'normal' people expecting me to respond or conduct myself normally ~ whatever that means. I am not totally socially inappropriate, but at the same time I voice my commentary if I feel there is something unjust or just doesn't seem right.

growl...

I do agree, Weeping Willow, that it is COMPLETELY annoying that your friends were late. You were hungry, wanted to eat an hour ago, and how dare they for being late;). I don't like it when people are late either, it's disrespectful of my time. Time is precious...and noone wants to sit...and wait...

It appears that they did, at least, let you know somewhat in advance they were going to be 15 minutes late...medicated for ADHD/anxiety or not, people have a variety of reasons why they may be late. Life happens. If the lateness is chronic, it's important to let them know how this is affecting you and your friendship with them...it sounds like there are other issues with the friendships going on besides them just being late to the meal...(drawing the conclusion of people acting "defiant/rebellious to constructive criticism" was probably not decided on that one meal time alone...also the comment about them using a "big word" you don't understand...it sounds like you may feel they think that you are less intelligent than they are...other factors are coming in here besides them being late)...just observations.

For me personally, I would have waited to order when they arrived so you could enjoy your dinner with them. Perhaps there was bread or some small appetizer to help satiate you before they arrived? Going out to eat with friends isn't just about eating...it's about enjoying the company you are with and enjoying a meal is only part of that.

Not saying that you don't have a right to your feelings at all, you certainly do...but just a different perspective sometimes can help:o

Thanks for the productive responses, some helpful, some productive, some not, what should I expect from this venue of ranting my rants. I know better.

Different perspective indeed.

I guess I should have supplied all the details. They made the dinner date for 7 pm, at 7:10 pm they did not realize it was after 7. They arrived by 7:30.

With regards to the statement that I may feel less intelligent in his presense is comical. Just because he and I are both in graduate school, does not mean I know the terminology used in his field of study.

It is a running understanding with me and my friends that I can get impatient when it comes to time. I am the type that will call and tell them I am running late and tell them to order w/o me, or tell them what to order me so it is ready by the time I get there.

Obviously, I am by no means a people pleaser at all times.




It appears that they did, at least, let you know somewhat in advance they were going to be 15 minutes late...medicated for ADHD/anxiety or not, people have a variety of reasons why they may be late. Life happens. If the lateness is chronic, it's important to let them know how this is affecting you and your friendship with them...it sounds like there are other issues with the friendships going on besides them just being late to the meal...(drawing the conclusion of people acting "defiant/rebellious to constructive criticism" was probably not decided on that one meal time alone...also the comment about them using a "big word" you don't understand...it sounds like you may feel they think that you are less intelligent than they are...other factors are coming in here besides them being late)...just observations.

For me personally, I would have waited to order when they arrived so you could enjoy your dinner with them. Perhaps there was bread or some small appetizer to help satiate you before they arrived? Going out to eat with friends isn't just about eating...it's about enjoying the company you are with and enjoying a meal is only part of that.

Not saying that you don't have a right to your feelings at all, you certainly do...but just a different perspective sometimes can help:o

person living in glass house should change clothes in the basement. . ..


Thanks for the productive responses, some helpful, some productive, some not, what should I expect from this venue of ranting my rants. I know better.

I believe this was outlined in the initial post - specifically via underlined portion.

Another thing that annoys me, is 'normal' people expecting me to respond or conduct myself normally ~ whatever that means. I am not totally socially inappropriate, but at the same time I voice my commentary if I feel there is something unjust or just doesn't seem right.

he who lives by the sword is call a mercenary - just as one who post said commentary is normally looking for return response otherwise rant would have been journaled it in a place that isn't accessible by 22,000 other ADDers.

Sorry, I'm no good at sitting around waiting for people. I would have been off back home. Thankfully my friends and family know me well. So much so that they'll tell me 7.30 when they actually plan for 7.00. They think I don't know the tricks they pull on me just to keep me happy. lol

Sorry, I'm no good at sitting around waiting for people. I would have been off back home. Thankfully my friends and family know me well. So much so that they'll tell me 7.30 when they actually plan for 7.00. They think I don't know the tricks they pull on me just to keep me happy. lol
I can truly relate to the not wanting to wait i have a very hard time doing that and am very impatiant. This is even more true when i am hungry. My whole dispostion changes. Though you are justified for being anoyed that your friends were late, they did let you know ahead of time so this says they were respectfull of your feelings and did not want to leave you hanging. Dont you think that you would have been even more upset if they did not get ahold of you and you had to wait wondering when they would be coming? For me it is hard to see the other persons point of veiw sometimes and this justified anger That I feel, as justified as it may be, sometimes just leeds to hurt feelings and bruised egos on both sides. A good Quote I once heard on relationships is this
sometimes people need to admit they are worng even when they are not.

I have learned that this may mean that in the short term i have to put up with a little more discomfort, but in the long term there is not so many that are mad at me and that I actully have more people talking to me and wanting to be around me.

Blue, i wish my friends would be that clued -up . My b/f even after 3 years sits in the car fuming , but knowing full well i will take at least another 20min to leave the house. I think he believes i do it on purpose. I have given up on trying to explain to him that i struggle in the mornings and that if he wants to leave early his best chance is to help me get sorted rather than sit in the car getting angry. Of course him being stressed at me only makes my symptoms worse, and my self esteem plummet. It is hard to get Non-adders to understand this is not behavioural. We are not like we are out of choice. And it is certainly not easy to improve our life skills while we are being berated and in turn berate ourselves. Ignorance really stopping eveyone from moving forward.
peace to all,

Rabbit

brownrabbit,

Don't get me wrong, we had an awful lot of upsets before we got to where we are now. And it helps that I don't go out much so when I do they do try to make it pleasant and stress free. And I try to be a nice person for a few hours. lol

WeepingWillow, this is a great example of the kind of situation that is a challenge to everybody, not just those with ADD. I'm feeling like an etiquette teacher but here goes anyway... I took a course many years ago on proper dining habits, how to order wine, which fork to use first, etc... because I often have business meetings/dinners with people from all over the planet. You were dining with your friend, but I don't think that excuses bad behavior on either part.
You said that it is unfair that others expect you to behave at a "normal" level. I don't think that is unfair at all, and I think the first person who should expect you to behave "normally" is yourself. Despite what many people think, operating according to accepted standards of social behavior is essential to getting along in today's world. Only children believe that the rules do not apply to them, and by children I mean anyone of any age who is selfish enough to only have concern for themselves. Their plenty of children roaming the world disguised as adults, but that doesn't mean we should accept their behavior.
Everyone has been in your dining situation before. It isn't fun to sit alone in a busy restaurant, but what you should have done is ask for some bread, or order an appetizer to snack on, to keep your hunger at bay. Accept gracefully that people are often late due to circumstances beyond their control. If they are a chronic offender, that's another story I guess... someone who always disrespects your time requires other considerations.
I say this, being rabidly obsessive about being "on time" myself. I make a point of being on time for everything, even knowing that most people don't care that much. It drives me crazy, but it falls under the category of relearning behaviour, learning to keep my mouth shut about things that are beyond my control.

I took a course many years ago on proper dining habits, how to order wine, which fork to use first, etc...

I shall take your "Pretty Woman" analogy into consideration. I hope I find my prince charming in the process... :)

I think a considerate friend would have 1) been on time, or 2) if running late pull out some options , like ask if you would like to meet another evening, or offer for you to "go ahead and order and eat and we'll catch up with you." I'd have been twirked too WW.

I think a considerate friend would have 1) been on time, or 2) if running late pull out some options , like ask if you would like to meet another evening, or offer for you to "go ahead and order and eat and we'll catch up with you." I'd have been twirked too WW.


Thanks... it's always nice to know I am not alonee in a crowd. :)

Amg7613 said "Going out to eat with friends isn't just about eating...it's about enjoying the company you are with and enjoying a meal is only part of that."

That sentence seems to contradict your view, and confirm my view.

My argument is that they are being much too sensitive about him ordering before they arrived, and the point is that their food will taste exactly the same whether WeepingWillow and his friends eat simultaneously or not. Also, as you said, going out to eat with your friends is about more than just eating the meal, it is about enjoying the company you are with. Well, I think they can still enjoy one another's company whether they begin eating at the same time or not, or am I mistaken? (Hint: I am not mistaken)

I gave up on social niceties a long time ago; I feel misanthropy and pragmatism are far more effective tools.

-- Allen

I have come across lots of posts on other boards where people seek information on how to deal with family celebrations, weddings and funerals etc. No one knows what a struggle these are for some of us. I didn’t even attend my mum’s funeral. I had travelled from London to Edinburgh in Scotland to be at her bedside in a hospice. They thought she wouldn’t last the night. I stayed with her for ten days, getting a bit of shut-eye in a chair with a blanket by her bed. I’m glad I did because I got the chance to see my mother as she would have been without all the pain. She smiled, talked softly, and looked like she was sixteen years old. A far cry from all the violence and abuse my father had put us through. The rest of the family were finally called when they were sure she wouldn’t make it through another night. My mum died then and I handed everything over to the others and prepared to travel back home. My sisters said but You have to be here for the funeral. I said I didn’t, and that my mum would understand. I just wanted to get back home to my own family. I was the oldest, I had put up with the worst of it. He was gone, he committed suicide. And now she was gone. That part of my life was over. I had survived. Now I just wanted to be with my own young family.

All said and done, right or wrong, we don’t owe anyone anything. We are struggling and we are learning what gets us through. If these ‘normal’ people don’t get that, then that’s their problem not ours. The only people in this world that I owe anything to is my children. I had them because I wanted babies, they never bought the ticket for this ride, I just dragged them along. If I owe anyone anything, it’s those three people and their little people, my grandchildren. We beat ourselves up too much for all the stuff other people say we should be doing. I say, “Excuse me, this is all I can cope with at the moment. But when I am feeling stronger, I will give some serious consideration to what you just said.” In the meantime. I am too busy just trying to stay alive - so don't F*** with me!

Sorry that might have been too much. just getting some stuff off my chest.

I gave up on social niceties a long time ago; I feel misanthropy and pragmatism are far more effective tools.

-- Allen


*nods in agreement.

they can catch up and enjoy each other's company just as easily over coffee/drinks. Getting your panties in a bunch because someone is hungry and wishes to get started eating sooner rather than wait for the tardy party is just silly.

This would be a pretty big no no in a business meal setting or even a so so acquaintance. Old friends... pfff. Next time tell 'em to pack their lunch and eat on the way there that way you "eat together". :p

All said and done, right or wrong, we don’t owe anyone anything. If these ‘normal’ people don’t get that, then that’s their problem not ours. The only people in this world that I owe anything to is my children. I had them because I wanted babies, they never bought the ticket for this ride, I just dragged them along.

I agree completely




Only children believe that the rules do not apply to them, and by children I mean anyone of any age who is selfish enough to only have concern for themselves. Their plenty of children roaming the world disguised as adults, but that doesn't mean we should accept their behavior.


Scratches head

but that doesn't mean we should accept their behavior.


You don't have to accept their behavior . . .?

Acceptance intolerance - poison

Acceptance of diversity is a much better approach for my life.

Etiquette . .. hmmmmmmm

I prefer consideration myself.


Expecting the on-time party to sit there hungry in a restraint full of food smell because I was late, would be so inconsiderate. I am late that should NOT be another person's problem.


I would rather have some one violate every social rule there is than to look down their nose at me and accuse me of being childish for being hungry. . . .

We beat ourselves up too much for all the stuff other people say we should be doing. I say, “Excuse me, this is all I can cope with at the moment. But when I am feeling stronger, I will give some serious consideration to what you just said.” In the meantime. I am too busy just trying to stay alive - so don't F*** with me!


That was absolutely WONDERFUL. Thank you!!!