When it comes to most anything that my son has done that he wasn't supposed to, or that he got in trouble for at school, when asked why he did that, the typical answer is "I don't know". Is it really that he doesn't know, or that he's so impulsive that it's been done before he's thought why, therefore he truely doesn't know & isn't making excuses (which is the way it looks).

When I was younger, and said "I don't know", it was usually my way of saying that I didnt think through my actions before I did or said something inappropriate - essentially acting/speaking impulsively. I never MEANT to do anything wrong, it just seemed like a good/funny/cool/interesting thing to do/say at that instant.

I think "I don't know" is sometimes a symptom for "I refuse to take responsibility"...

when i was like 5 - 7 i would hit my cousins for no apparent reason :). my uncle would get really mad at me but then grandpa was always there to save me lol.

i don't know would have been my answer too. i found it fun back then i guess

My son used to tell me "I don't know" until it became a totally unacceptable answer. Now, I'm likely to get something a little closer to the truth "My hand/mouth moves faster then my brain can tell it to stop" First time I heard that one I will admit leaving the room so he would not see me laughing.

That is a surprisingly good explanation of what is actually going on, Futs...

I know he is an insightful little buggar...That is why I laughed; because, it took him five seconds to say what I have been trying to say all my life.

Jeez, in that case I have a list of other questions you can ask him for me, ok? :D :D :D

Originally posted by waywardclam
Jeez, in that case I have a list of other questions you can ask him for me, ok? :D :D :D

ME TOO!!!!! I could only dream for the day my son gave me that sort of explanation. If he told me that, I would probably be speechless! Well, after I left the room to laugh. If only it were that simple.

I sometimes think all of the above... 1-he doesn't really want to take responsibility, 2-he doesn't want to have to focus & try to remember because that's hard to do, so "I don't know" is the fastest way to hopefully get me to leave him alone, 3-what he did was done so impulsively that he truely doesn't know why he did it, or 4-he did it purely out of fun, not having a grasp at all on cause & effect, so the "fun" took over before he knew that the effect would be getting caught & getting himself in trouble.

Everyday is a new adventure... & often a repeat headache!

My "I don't know" answers drove (and sometime still Drives) my parents crazy. There was no one reason for why I said it.

Sometimes it was because I did somethings wrong and knew I would get yelled at for telling the truth.

Sometimes I did not know.

Sometimes I knew but could not find the correct words.

sometimes "I don't know" jsut came out of my mouth autmomatically.

Maybe next time "I don't know" comes out of his mouth you could coach him into a better answer.

Stop and count to 10. Then in a non-threatnening tone cue him into a better answer. I'm sure depending on the situation you probably have a better idea of what the real answer is.

I think these are all very insightful answers.

Another problem is, a lot of people including and possibly especially ADD children have a very stubborn pride. If they say "I don't know" and you challenge them on it, they are now "forced" to defend the "I don't know" above and beyond whatever the facts of the situation actually are, and may in fact convince themselves that they really don't know when in fact they did before the argument...

Originally posted by waywardclam
I think these are all very insightful answers.

Another problem is, a lot of people including and possibly especially ADD children have a very stubborn pride. If they say "I don't know" and you challenge them on it, they are now "forced" to defend the "I don't know" above and beyond whatever the facts of the situation actually are, and may in fact convince themselves that they really don't know when in fact they did before the argument...

I would definitely agree with that! My son loves a confrontation & is stubborn as can be. He'll argue just to win, regardless of the point, or right vs. wrong.

I think all of the above are insightful. When my 9 year old son tells me he dosen't know why he did something impulsive. Its usually because he really doesnt want to answer. I always tell him to go up to his room and think about it. After a little while he will come back down and tell me. Though I may not think it was a good reason (and he knows this too)...its still an answer. They struggle a lot with the knowing its the wrong thing to do and the impulse. I think thats what they have a hard time explaining.

My son used to use this then it changed to - because I couldnt help myself. Then I knew I needed to get him seen to. That is when the ADHD diagnosis happened.

Everybody combine has given the answer I would have given........

I will submit that "Too often an answer is expected imediatlly" and "I DON"T KNOW" , is the only answer that can be given..........

In my case " it was that I knew the answer but could'nt process my thoughts quick enough to turn them into words."

Impusivity was quite often the reason but not always

This is a very good topic in that there is a lot to be learned from combining everyones answers and then discussing with each other times when we ourselves have been in the same situation and used the same answer.

At the same time it gives each of us time to reflect upon some of the things that we have done and why we did them.

I still don't know 90% of the time...the other 10% of the time "It seemed like a good idea at the time..." heh. That, for me, always meant that it made no logical sense, and in retrospect, I don't know why I did something. "Keith, why were you bending forks in the cafeteria and burning people with them?" "I don't know..." The "I don't know" really means I don't know...I have no idea why I would do that. I did, but I don't know why...it seemed like a good idea at the time! hehe.

"Keith, why did you make this little gun out of a mechanical pencil so you could shoot spitballs with it?" "I don't know..." In this case it means "Because it's freaking awesome" but I don't want to say that because I'll probably get in trouble.

I don't know, in short, is an honest answer for me most of the time...I honestly can't think of a good reason why I would do whatever it is I did. I'm not trying to make excuses, if I were doing that I'd say something like "Because if I didn't..." etc. I'm honestly answering that I have no idea. Unfortunately, most people seem to take "I don't know" as a way of dodging blame. Sometimes, it is, but for me, it normally honestly is that I don't know why I would do something.

How funny that I spent half the morning looking for this post only to find it on top of the pile. :rolleyes:

Today, it's Lexis' turn to not know. For some off the wall reason she decided to fill the bathwater and dive into the tub. Between trying to mop blood off her head and figuring out if she would need stitches I blurted out What were you thinking? I got the standard answer I don't know. After a few sarcastic mommy I don't knows...I was just trying to see if I could kill myself jumping into the tub head first.. Lex blurted out that's not what happened and you know it. *scratches head...I'm a mind reader too?* :confused: I told her that I wanted to know exactly what happened still unable to put into words were her mind was she took me on a little tour of how her mind works. IMPULSIVE!!! is the only way to describe her mind.

She had forgotten to take her clothes into the bathroom with her, so she left the bathwater running and ran to her room for her clothes when she returned the tub was full and she dove. There's your NOT really an answer to the question. I guess Koda's right after all sometimes our bodies move a lot faster then our brains can say This ain't gonna end pretty :rolleyes: .

p.s. Just thought I'd let you know a butter-fly band aid later and she was good as new.

I would like to add something here, too. My son also "uses" that phrase a lot. I have to be careful about pushing him too hard, though, to get to the truth because at some point I noticed he justed started making up answers.

Clever aren't they? When "I don't know" stopped working, the "tell her anything reasonable" became the next way out.

I now pick and choose where to dig behind the "I don't know's". The little issue I leave alone, so I can hopefully get behind the bigger ones.

It has become apparent to me, too, that my son is almost incapable of putting into words his perceptions of what's going on around him and his feelings. I think the "lying" came from his desparate need to "appear" capable of telling me what happened.

I try using word games and role playing to help him which can really make a difference in getting to the bottom of certain situations.

Kim

Just for perspective, my 8 year old son (very smart, NO ADD) uses "I don't know" as his favorite answer when asked this type of question too. Pushing him for a better answer doesn't work either. I am told my non-ADD husband's favorite childhood answer was a little different "It just fell apart in my hands" (mechanically inclined physics major now a computer programmer). I think this is a standard answer for ALL kids who have done something without thinking, not an ADD issue (except in terms perhaps of the frequency you get to hear the clueless response). And yes, it drives me NUTS!! too.

I hear it on average 4-6 times a day per child. And I've heard non-ADD adults use this excuse as well. I think your right about it being how many times your forced to wiggle answers out that draws attention to it.

cause depending on the age, developmentally "they really may not know", it is as simple as that sometimes.

I just HAVE TO respond to this. I am SOOOOOOOOO glad I am not alone with this situation and my daughter. Isn't it nice to know this? My daughter says "I don't know" to almost everything and I finally realized there really ARE times that she just plainly DOES NOT KNOW why she did something. Mostly I think it's impulsivity but there are definitely times when she uses it to avoid taking responsibility. My daughter is inherently a sweet, loving child and does the damdest things sometimes that I view as being hurtful... but the fact is.... she was just so IMPULSIVE and her body didn't allow her the opportunity of THINKING FIRST. And then when I bring that action to her attention, she gets the opportunity of thinking about it for a second, and realizes ugh oh... I did it again. Must be so frustrating to her. And IF ONLY I can ALWAYS remember this... life would be so grand.

If only I could KNOW why I do some of the things I do...It's life to to be impulsive at times I just happen to be stupid about my impulsive moments.lol