Two huge fights today, 1st w/ mom, 2nd w/ bf. Another one of those and everything was going so well and boom. My mother and I start argueing over the fact that she brought up one of the people who molested me when I was six yrs old. O.K. this is a sensitive subject w/ me and she will bring the man up like he is some kind of hero. This man faked his death twice, he is now really dead. He was a womanizer, a con artist, and a child molester. Periodically when she brings him up its in a almost admirable, "tone". Finally I confronted her about it and asked why she did this. She screamed, "I don't", my sister has heard her do this too, and thinks its messed up. I said yes you do! She starts srcreaming that I dont know what I'm talking about, I called her a liar. Yep I did it, my own mother. She screams your just crazy, and hangs up. I start crying and boyfriend comes in, o.k. I know better than to show weakness in front of him or he will trounce on me later, being the chicken-sh*& pack animal he is. He sees me crying and hugs me, I'm like??? Wow I'm wrong he actually has some empathy. Later he gets into fight w/ ex-wife because he has stuff still in her garage that he is supposed to get out today (he has had over 3 yrs and actually hasn't lived there for 7 years total), he goes on about how shes an idiot etc. I listen to him vent but know he is wrong, he should of got his stuff. I told him, well I think she sold the house so you need to get your things or you will loose them. He argues that I dont know anything! I am just starting sh*&????? I said well the house was listed now its not sooooooooooo??????? He thinks I'm implieng something. It esculated and I threw in whats up with my bills, you didnt pay my car insurance last month and I need to know if your going to pay my bills next month. He said no I'm not! He now refuses after 2 years of not wanting me to work except for my little out of the house jobs. He blows money and then doesnt pay all the bills. Than he calls me crazy, I lost it .....Went in the kitchen thew a plate (too wierd it didnt break), told him, I hate you!
I've been sitting in the livingroom sorting out what the hell happened, and what I did wrong and the triggers that set me off. Another words, I'm the one hurt as far as I can tell, so its my issue. Now that I'm going to the Pdoc tommorow, that btw I'm, crazy but there s nothing that getting off my lazy ***** wouldn't fix. So I see where this will go now.....I'm labeled now. He also picked my perscription bottle out of my purse earlier today and said jokenly, are these your crazy pills? HaHa! What a *****, I dont think they make a pill for what he has! Anyway my long rant, I hate being called crazy, its like now its verified and o.k. to say it. Plus if you admit you have a problem they can use it to cover their own crap. Invalidation, and gas-lighting both of them do it. If he really isn't going to pay my bills I will have to borrow the money from my mother, giant slice of humble pie. Call her a liar and then say gee mom, bf decided not to/or cant pay my bills can I borrow about $1500, I know I'm 48 yrs old but he lied and said he would pay them. I feel so immature, I used to be so independent, if I'm forced to get a real job right now it will be so hard. I have no energy, feel drained all the time, procrastinate to the point of a disability. I'm doing my best to keep peace until I can get treatment and especially get off the proprolanol (I have bad side effects from it but it works on the anxiety). Thanks for listening, I need to blog I post everything.

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People are often in denial about the long-lasting effects that offenders cause. Esp. in the case of Groomer Offenders (everyone can hate a Grabber Offender b/c they are usually strangers).

If your Mom faced the "facts", she'd have to assume some responsibility for bringing an offender into your childhood, wouldn't she?

She never would have had the audacity to mention the man's name, let alone "idealize him". (Does Mom have a personality disorder or 'her head in the sand' or something?) Very weird to 'idealize an offender' over her own daughter. <?!>

No. It is easier to (a) Deny crimes/LT effects, (b) Attack the victim ('you're crazy'), and (c) Reverse the Victim and Offender ('nice man'). One researcher (Psychologist Jennifer Freyd) calls this DARVO. It is so typical, this stuff that victims are put through, that science has a name for it. Pretty bad, eh?


Then they call the victims 'crazy' for having trauma symptoms.

You need to find supportive people (eliminate the turkeys who contribute to the upset and invalidate you) and get help to learn ways to calm yourself down ('self soothing').

I know a bit about this b/c I lost most of my Mom's side of the family b/c they chose a sex offender over me and my Mom. My mom's whole family sided with him ('dad'/their brother in law) over Mom -- _her own siblings_. If they didn't side with him outright, then they stayed silent. It's sick stuff.

The eagle soars alone.

re: overidealizing an offender

What you are describing is an "incongruence". Her message and emotions do not match (conflict, actually) with the seriousness of the situation. e.g. like smiling while talking about death, etc.

Maybe your mom has old issues of her own? (Victimization does tend to run intergenerationally. This is how kids can be unprotected; their parents don't have functioning 'danger screeners' to keep these guys away from their kids.)

Talk to your PDoctor about this disturbing stuff.

Your not crazy they are !!!! Actually you and your mom are caught up in a cycle and the fact you have a boy friend as you so describe yours is part of a personal relationship cycle. Most people require professional counseling to break the destructive relationship patterns caused by sexual abuse. . .

The sooner the better - time elapsing between incident and assistance normal causes more problems to occur due to the distortion of relationship patterns caused by the sexual abuse - plus personality patterns such as depersonalization become more and more ingrained into the person as they mature - wait to long and disassociation can be perminate -

Here is a clinical explanation as to why your mom is behaving the way she does

Incest FAQ (http://www.faqs.org/health/topics/68/Incest.html)

There appear to be two main family types in which incest occurs most regularly: the dysfunctional family and the superficially "normal"family. The dysfunctional family is characterized by problems spanning generations, relatively low socioeconomic standing, marginal functioning of individual family members,and the family as a whole (for example, drug or alcohol abuse). In this family, it is not unusual for several family members to be sexually involved with one another, for pregnancies to result, and for the resulting children to be raised in the family.

Children in dysfunctional families are basically left to raise themselves, and without adult supervision, are vulnerable to all forms of abuse inside and outside of the family. While some become caretakers, others become rebels.

The superficially normal family appears to be solid and well-functioning. The parents have usually been in a long-term marriage. They are socially and financially stable, and seem well-respected by the community. Typically the family follows the traditional model of the husband as"head of the household" and the wife as subordinate.

The family, however, is not as stable internally as it appears to be on the surface. The parents often lack the emotional capacity to adequately nuture one another, much less their children. As a result, both are emotionally needy and impoverished, perhaps due to the abusive upbringing of one or both parents. Over time the parents become estranged from one another, not only emotionally but also sexually. Sometimes they develop work schedules that allow them to avoid interacting with one another on much more than a superficial level.Alcoholism or other problems are often evident and contribute to the barren emotional family climate. The mother turns to her daughter for help in running the household, and the father turns to his daughter for emotional and sexual sustenance. Children, then, often turn to one another to meet their own emotional or other needs, and sometimes the relationship becomes sexual. When and if incest in this family is discovered by an outsider, it is denied or treated as insignificant.

The dysfunction and its associated denial contribute to an unstable atmosphere supported by inconsistent responses on the part of the parents. What brings praise and affection one day results in abuse and rejection on another. Children cope with this inconsistency by learning to be mistrustful and by responding in ways that help them avoid further conflict, criticism, or punishment.In extreme cases, children begin to split off these different experiences of reality, a process that ultimately develops a fragmented sense of self. Without outside intervention to break the cycle, the abuse becomes self-perpetuating. It distorts the individual personality of family members and the relationships among them.

{End Quote}

~underlining mine~

Your are not crazy you have some unhealthy relationships patters learned from your family of origin - The best thing you can do seek counseling because the ramifications of what you describe are complex but need to be worked through so you can learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationship - so you can nurture the former while avoiding the latter.

I second MEADD823's and Queen's points. My mother sided with the abuser (a boyfriend) because she was afraid of being alone. There are a whole host of reasons for these things.

If the boyfriend is as big a trigger as you describe him..... I hate to say it..... but you may need to detach and end that relationship. I went through many a dysfunctional relationship before finally getting my sea legs. You're better off alone, really, though it's hard to fathom that sometimes when you feel so adrift.

Good luck to you,

Sandy.

QueensUgirl Mead and Sandy, thanks and I agree. Mom brought up that she had been molested too, and her life was very hard growing up. I believe she has ADHD too plus is very codependent. Some of this is typical 50's stuff of how women were, and my dad has controlled everything her whole life shes 70 now, but looks and acts much younger. I finally just got enough of her invalidation of my feelings. Shes says things like, "well I didn't mean it that way and I don't know why you take things wrong", I'm thinking...that is not an apology. Thats a I'm sorry your so messed up you don't hear right. She has done this forever and will never change but I dont think she'll say that again.
I have never really had any therapy for anything except self help. I saw two different pschologist with bf for couples counseling. We quit going, he accused me of manipulating the therapist, when I think he was doing that, My choices in men have always been poor and short lived. The older I get the longer the relationships last now. I was single and lived alone most of my life. This relationship is different as I have become dependent on him, isolated (first it had to do with him ,now its me), and have become very helpless. This is totally oppisite from who I am. I have just recently crawled out of the hole of despair and hopelessness and I'm better. I see the Pdoc tommorow and will continue to work on me and see if I may need to move. I also need to set boundries w/ them and stick to them w/o letting them get to me. With BF I was very much inlove with him, now I still love him but the trust is gone. Thanks all of you!

You're in a very hard place, Texasmiss. I feel for you.

I made many, many, many poor choices in men for a long, long, long time. Somewhere along the line I literally "taught" myself to go for a different kind of guy. My hubby isn't perfect, but he's a good man right down the core. Every woman deserves nothing less than that. You deserve nothing less than a man who thinks that you are the bee's knees. You gotta drum that in, hard.

Sometimes parents disappoint so severely that you have to give up on them as parents. I did with my mom. When the parental ties were no longer there and I just looked at her as a person, I realized that she was not someone with whom I would choose to have a relationship, because she's abusive (still). So I don't. That makes you feel very isolated, but there are substitutes. You find other people, good people, who are willing to step in a bit and be your "parent." You can't lean on them like a real parent, but they're still people that you can learn from, which is nice.

I do feel for you, honey. Been in your shoes. It will be VERY hard for you to retrain yourself and learn a new way of viewing the world so long as your environment is constantly exposing you to a different way of being. Just my two cents. Obviously the doc. is the best source of advice.

Good luck to you.

Sandy.

there are a couple of things in your post that i feel i want to touch on the first:

I know better than to show weakness in front of him or he will trounce on me later]
he may and well be a really great guy in so many areas but if you should not have to fear showing what ever emotion you are going thru at the time. You can not control what you feel.

Than he calls me crazy,

you deserve to be supported so much better than this. true most of what happend was probably due to you still reacting to the triggers from your mom and the recounting of the abuse you suffered.
I know it will be hard to get out on your own, but it can be done. It really sounds like the big reason your bf wanted to pay your bills for you had nothing to do with love or trying to help you, but to controll you. He probably used that and kept that fact hanging over your head, saying things like if you dont do this ill cut you off, or hey im paying for every thing here so you do as I say. I wish you luck and dont ever worry about posting to much, just let it out.

there are a couple of things in your post that i feel i want to touch on the first:

I know better than to show weakness in front of him or he will trounce on me later]
he may and well be a really great guy in so many areas but if you should not have to fear showing what ever emotion you are going thru at the time. You can not control what you feel.



you deserve to be supported so much better than this. true most of what happend was probably due to you still reacting to the triggers from your mom and the recounting of the abuse you suffered.
I know it will be hard to get out on your own, but it can be done. It really sounds like the big reason your bf wanted to pay your bills for you had nothing to do with love or trying to help you, but to controll you. He probably used that and kept that fact hanging over your head, saying things like if you dont do this ill cut you off, or hey im paying for every thing here so you do as I say. I wish you luck and dont ever worry about posting to much, just let it out.[/quote]


Thanks Lobo, He doesn't come right out with that threat until yesterday. He actually now can't pay them until later this month but that is very poor planning on his part.He has blown way more than my bills. I have a CDL and also tons of non-profit experiance, when we got togather he was o.k. with the non-profit vollunteer thing to an extent but did not want me to ever drive a truck again. I had to renew my CDL and he tried to talk me into dropping it. I had enough since to say no. I also have to live with acreage since I have horses and other animals. They are rescues and I would not sale them and the horse rescues are overburdened at this time so moving me takes some doing. If it comes to that I can and I have it much better than so mant women my mom included that have no jobs skills, children, and have never been on their own. I need this time to try and get it together without being messed w/ so I try not to rock the boat. Also moving especially umteen critters is very stressful so I have to be stronger to do all that.

You're in a very hard place, Texasmiss. I feel for you.

I made many, many, many poor choices in men for a long, long, long time. Somewhere along the line I literally "taught" myself to go for a different kind of guy. My hubby isn't perfect, but he's a good man right down the core. Every woman deserves nothing less than that. You deserve nothing less than a man who thinks that you are the bee's knees. You gotta drum that in, hard.

Sometimes parents disappoint so severely that you have to give up on them as parents. I did with my mom. When the parental ties were no longer there and I just looked at her as a person, I realized that she was not someone with whom I would choose to have a relationship, because she's abusive (still). So I don't. That makes you feel very isolated, but there are substitutes. You find other people, good people, who are willing to step in a bit and be your "parent." You can't lean on them like a real parent, but they're still people that you can learn from, which is nice.

I do feel for you, honey. Been in your shoes. It will be VERY hard for you to retrain yourself and learn a new way of viewing the world so long as your environment is constantly exposing you to a different way of being. Just my two cents. Obviously the doc. is the best source of advice.

Good luck to you.

Sandy.

Thanks Sandy, your very sweet. From your posts I know you relate and are very strong to take care of you like that. I have a friend who was a PDOC, not practicing anymore and was mostly in research. She did the same with most of her family, she told me that she would have never made it had she stayed close. When I lived several hours away I really didnt miss them, I felt a little guilty but it was misplaced.

re #5/#6

The sad fact is that these are the kinds of women whom offenders target, to get access to kids.

Your Mom will probably never 'make the connections' or get help to see why she is how she is. (I was lucky b/c my Mom went to see some MSW (social worker) counsellors trained in domestic violence and woman/child abuse, who were able to teach her things. Mom later joined a "mothers and daughters" survivor group, where she learned even more about the LT effects and how offenders operate. Sounds like your Mom is stuck at the Early Denial phases. And these type of low empathy, sociopath charmers KNOW how to ingratiate themselves to people. Even today, my step-dad sends people flowers and cards and helps them build their houses, etc. So Slimy. They really are like "Switchers". Jekyll and Hyde.)

All we can do is 'protect ourselves'.

This means getting away from abusers and their fans and 'fan clubs" who keep saying 'what a great guy" Um, yeah.... :S

Building a Family of Choice, as opposed to keeping sick with our Family of Origin, helps too.

~Emma

I get called crazy so often, I thought it was a term of endearment.

Queen says it best right here:

Building a Family of Choice, as opposed to keeping sick with our Family of Origin, helps too.

Amen, sister. You have to do it. When things are that dysfunctional, that's just what you gotta do. :(

I cobbled together a collection of friends, a boyfriend, his parents, a friend's father, a couple teachers, a coach, and a couple vice principals to survive high school. And I actually didn't just survive. I thrived, to be honest. (Looks to either side... I was a *******' homecoming princess, for crying out loud...:eek: if there's anything stupider than that, I'd like to hear it?????!!!!), so it can be done. College was the real black hole for me because I moved clear across the country and lost that little network that I'd inadvertently constructed. I fell apart then. I was a total basket case, blew through probably 7 or 8 boyfriends, 6 in one year. Had major weight loss (dropped from 138 while lifting weights with football players in high school and running the 400m in track to 113 running X-C in college), all sorts of anxiety issues, major performance issues with some classes, but doing beautifully in others. It was a rough and tumble time. One year with a total star of a shrink at 21 or 22 set me straight. I went 17 years after that without any further treatment, no meds no nothing. Then last year I finally started to try to figure out why I was such a horrific procrastinator with work and stumbled into this diagnosis.

So you can do this, TexasMiss, but steel yourself a bit... it's a longish, bumpyish road. :( Find people who are good, solid, maintain appropriate boundaries, and yet let you in, and associate yourself with them. Find a good shrink. Find a good therapist if different from the shrink. Spend nights alone (it'll be ok).

When you emerge from this, a couple things will happen: 1) you won't remember (completely) what it felt like to feel the way you do right now; 2) you'll suddenly look at certain people (maybe the boyfriend, maybe your mom) with a detached sort of "knowledge" that is neither anger, nor guilt, nor love, but somewhere in a netherland, and you'll say things to yourself like, "I like my mom's kindness to small children and I think I'll emulate that part, but not the blaming everyone else thing," or, of the boyfriend, perhaps, "he's not evil and not uncaring, but he's incapable of separating the things that upset him about himself from the things that upset him about a relationship, etc., plus he's inappropriate in the way he talks to me; I'm glad that I let him go..." You'll have perspective, is the thing, a point of view from which to judge right v. wrong, safe v. unsafe, good v. not good. There will be much that is grey (most is grey) but you'll see those shades well enough and be able to say, "Ok, I'll give this a try up to this point, but if he does X, Y, or Z, I'm outta here." And you'll suddenly find yourself looking at the neighbor guy, the single dad with an adorable little boy, who mows the lawn on Sunday like clockwork, and who drinks just a light beer or two, and who is still civil with his ex-wife, and you'll say, "Hmmmmmmmmm.... dress him up in a leather jacket and yeah.... I could go for that....." :rolleyes::D

That's when you'll know that you've come out the other side. :)