BoxDog
03-31-08, 01:44 AM
Hi guys.
I'm having a hard time at the moment and need someone else that I can trust, or that I can remain relatively anonymous to, to just look over my situation and try to guide me.
I have been lurking in this forum for a couple of months now after being diagnosed and settling in on some new medication. Background - I am 30 years old and live in Australia. I went to a pdoc here who was recommended by my doctor and a couple of other people including somebody I met on here actually go to this guy too. He's known as one of maybe 3-4 pdocs that take Adult ADHD seriously and has had decades of experiences as a consulting psychiatrist.
He immediately diagnosed me and placed me on up to 10 Dexedrine 5mg /day which is my current dose (3:3:2:2). He also advised me to wean myself off the antidepressant I was on, Effexor, which I did over a period of about 3 weeks, at which point he put me on Sodium Valproate ("Epilim") 500mg x 2 daily.
Initially I felt more focussed on activities from the Dex and clearer headed. Things seemed to be easier to cope with and I was able to see the bigger picture. Then suddenly I started getting a lot of anxiety. Part of the anxiety was probably due to external influencers, including change at work (which should be positive but I keep seeing the negative side to everything), general stress at work, and a couple of issues with my relationship, and so on. I'm worried that it could be too much stimulants. I'm also finding myself, perhaps, in a way, over-analysing situations and I've developed a couple of "tics" - namely I keep sucking my lip and have rubbed it raw!! At the start of March I went to my normal GP and she prescribed me some Valium as a stop-gap til I go back to the pdoc. I have some left over and still use it because it's really effective at helping me calm the hell down.
Those who know me probably would say I'm pretty full-on as it is... I hyperfocus a lot on stupid stuff and get nothing of value done. I dont think I've got a very strong personality and obsess constantly about "trying to fit in" with other people...and unfortnately go too far to please people sometimes and don't always know when I should draw the line.
I told the pdoc about the anxiety and he doubled the Sodium Valproate so now I'm on 1000mg/day (2 x 2 tablets). A month later and I don't think I've got any major noticeable improvement.
I went to see the pdoc nearly two weeks ago and he said it was concerning that my "speech hadn't improved". To him, a surefire indicator that stimulants are working properly is that the clarity of your speech and the way you present and express yourself improves. I've always spoken a bit too fast and disjointed. He hasn't noticed much difference although I feel a bit of change as above with my focus and so on.
He hasn't given me any more medication but told me to keep taking it and see what progression is like. He made suggestions of a SPECT model being made in the future though it sounds like there is a bit of a waiting list for this.
I'm concerned that Dex and/or Valproate might not right for me. In addition to the anxiety I've been feeling on and off lately I've been feeling slightly more moody, obsessed with 1-2 moral hangups I have, and just generally feeling like giving up.
I've not been able to improve my self esteem and confidence. As my partner put it last night, it's at rock bottom. And it's hard to concentrate on anything when you're constantly in fear of yourself, constantly unsure what your goals and objectives are, and so on. Maybe some of the anxiety I've been having is around this too - and maybe unrealistic worries about things like being retrenched at work and having to look for a new job... which means I'd need a new CV..but.. how can i list my accompplishments and sell myself when I'm in this state of self-pity.. and around and around it goes.
I feel very very disassociated with others. I never feel quite involved with a group of people - never have, and this is a classic ADD trait - I never seem to have enough experience, interest or knowledge on a particular topic in order to participate in any intelligent conversation! At its worst (continuing with the self-pity) I just withdraw. There have been the odd time where I've made excuses and left to get away from the group but generally I'll go to another room, look for someone I know, or just generally float around like a bad smell wishing I wasn't there. Again this is something that has ALWAYS been a problem with me. As you push further you realise I've secluded even more in recent years.. I moved countries 3 years ago with nothing effectively changing my life after I got fired at my last job. I have barely any family anyway and have none whatsoever in the city I live but barely talk to them anyway (maybe 1-2 times a month I'll call my mum and talk smalltalk). No brothers and sisters... In 3 years I've been able to make a handful of friends but none that are really really close to me apart from my partner and one other person who I've also distanced myself from. The anxiety I have stems around losing my job and the things I have built from nothing in the past 3 years from a LOT of hard work. And if I lose it - then what? Probably no social support here, I'm yet to get citizenship, I will probably lose my partner..
So I go to a massive family situation like my partners' family and friend base and I can't contribute, I don't feel worthy, I feel out of place. Or I go to drinks with people from work and stand there unable to hear the conversation because of all the background noise and attention grabbers in the background, feeling terribly out of place and uncomfortable the whole time. At least sometimes I'ld sometimes have delusions of grandiuer and feel somehow powerful. Now I see where I fit, or am meant to fit, in the social structure and it's not really comforting.
I've nearly finished reading Dr Amen's book about the 6 ADD types. I feel most at home with types 1, 2 and 4 (I think - the temporal lobe one - though I'm sure I havent had any head injuries). With a slight dash of the Limbic one. I think from memory Amen suggests mood stabilisers like Valpro for Temporal Lobe so I'm really unsure why its not working for me yet. There are other nutritional supplements I am yet to try from the book and coaching, therapy I guess I could do.
Like most books I'll comprehend it, forget most of the contents, throw it to one side and never follow-through with the very models of self-improvement that I should be following like a religion.
Also have been obsessing, since 2001-ish perioidically, about the moral issues of peak oil and global warming/climate change. There was a story in Dr Amen's book about a little boy who worried himself til he was physically sick because he thought other people were going to hell or something. I am a bit like that kid and always have been really. Much to the chagrin of my partner, who loves kids, if she ever found out, I really don't want to bring a family into this world when there is so much war over remaining resources that we've wasted, decay, pollution, poverty and much more to come in their lifetimes. It's not fair to them.
Here's a list of ideas in my head for what I can do about all this but would love advice and your thoughts. Obviously not being fuelled by anxiety or almost psychosis, maybe someone has some advice for me..
1) My next appointment is in a fortnight and I asked my partner to come with me so she can give the pdoc the rundown from an external perspective. She is also very concise and able to get reasons for things I wouldn't have even considered, and passed on info to him that i wouldn't have thought.
2) I am taking Gingko Baloba 3 x daily per bottles instructions - they are 2000mg equiv to dry leaf containing 10.7mg or so of some other pure version of something.... per p260 of Amens' book
3) Taking fish oil 3 x daily
4) Once sure of the type(s) of ADD I have - AND EVEN IF I HAVE ADD!???! - then I can go out and get some of the other supplements he suggests - amino acids etc.
5) Avoiding the ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) per Amens book. Most of the self-esteem and confidence stuff above is all ANTs. But its so hard to get out of any of them.
6) Coaching/therapy..advice?
Thanks
I'm having a hard time at the moment and need someone else that I can trust, or that I can remain relatively anonymous to, to just look over my situation and try to guide me.
I have been lurking in this forum for a couple of months now after being diagnosed and settling in on some new medication. Background - I am 30 years old and live in Australia. I went to a pdoc here who was recommended by my doctor and a couple of other people including somebody I met on here actually go to this guy too. He's known as one of maybe 3-4 pdocs that take Adult ADHD seriously and has had decades of experiences as a consulting psychiatrist.
He immediately diagnosed me and placed me on up to 10 Dexedrine 5mg /day which is my current dose (3:3:2:2). He also advised me to wean myself off the antidepressant I was on, Effexor, which I did over a period of about 3 weeks, at which point he put me on Sodium Valproate ("Epilim") 500mg x 2 daily.
Initially I felt more focussed on activities from the Dex and clearer headed. Things seemed to be easier to cope with and I was able to see the bigger picture. Then suddenly I started getting a lot of anxiety. Part of the anxiety was probably due to external influencers, including change at work (which should be positive but I keep seeing the negative side to everything), general stress at work, and a couple of issues with my relationship, and so on. I'm worried that it could be too much stimulants. I'm also finding myself, perhaps, in a way, over-analysing situations and I've developed a couple of "tics" - namely I keep sucking my lip and have rubbed it raw!! At the start of March I went to my normal GP and she prescribed me some Valium as a stop-gap til I go back to the pdoc. I have some left over and still use it because it's really effective at helping me calm the hell down.
Those who know me probably would say I'm pretty full-on as it is... I hyperfocus a lot on stupid stuff and get nothing of value done. I dont think I've got a very strong personality and obsess constantly about "trying to fit in" with other people...and unfortnately go too far to please people sometimes and don't always know when I should draw the line.
I told the pdoc about the anxiety and he doubled the Sodium Valproate so now I'm on 1000mg/day (2 x 2 tablets). A month later and I don't think I've got any major noticeable improvement.
I went to see the pdoc nearly two weeks ago and he said it was concerning that my "speech hadn't improved". To him, a surefire indicator that stimulants are working properly is that the clarity of your speech and the way you present and express yourself improves. I've always spoken a bit too fast and disjointed. He hasn't noticed much difference although I feel a bit of change as above with my focus and so on.
He hasn't given me any more medication but told me to keep taking it and see what progression is like. He made suggestions of a SPECT model being made in the future though it sounds like there is a bit of a waiting list for this.
I'm concerned that Dex and/or Valproate might not right for me. In addition to the anxiety I've been feeling on and off lately I've been feeling slightly more moody, obsessed with 1-2 moral hangups I have, and just generally feeling like giving up.
I've not been able to improve my self esteem and confidence. As my partner put it last night, it's at rock bottom. And it's hard to concentrate on anything when you're constantly in fear of yourself, constantly unsure what your goals and objectives are, and so on. Maybe some of the anxiety I've been having is around this too - and maybe unrealistic worries about things like being retrenched at work and having to look for a new job... which means I'd need a new CV..but.. how can i list my accompplishments and sell myself when I'm in this state of self-pity.. and around and around it goes.
I feel very very disassociated with others. I never feel quite involved with a group of people - never have, and this is a classic ADD trait - I never seem to have enough experience, interest or knowledge on a particular topic in order to participate in any intelligent conversation! At its worst (continuing with the self-pity) I just withdraw. There have been the odd time where I've made excuses and left to get away from the group but generally I'll go to another room, look for someone I know, or just generally float around like a bad smell wishing I wasn't there. Again this is something that has ALWAYS been a problem with me. As you push further you realise I've secluded even more in recent years.. I moved countries 3 years ago with nothing effectively changing my life after I got fired at my last job. I have barely any family anyway and have none whatsoever in the city I live but barely talk to them anyway (maybe 1-2 times a month I'll call my mum and talk smalltalk). No brothers and sisters... In 3 years I've been able to make a handful of friends but none that are really really close to me apart from my partner and one other person who I've also distanced myself from. The anxiety I have stems around losing my job and the things I have built from nothing in the past 3 years from a LOT of hard work. And if I lose it - then what? Probably no social support here, I'm yet to get citizenship, I will probably lose my partner..
So I go to a massive family situation like my partners' family and friend base and I can't contribute, I don't feel worthy, I feel out of place. Or I go to drinks with people from work and stand there unable to hear the conversation because of all the background noise and attention grabbers in the background, feeling terribly out of place and uncomfortable the whole time. At least sometimes I'ld sometimes have delusions of grandiuer and feel somehow powerful. Now I see where I fit, or am meant to fit, in the social structure and it's not really comforting.
I've nearly finished reading Dr Amen's book about the 6 ADD types. I feel most at home with types 1, 2 and 4 (I think - the temporal lobe one - though I'm sure I havent had any head injuries). With a slight dash of the Limbic one. I think from memory Amen suggests mood stabilisers like Valpro for Temporal Lobe so I'm really unsure why its not working for me yet. There are other nutritional supplements I am yet to try from the book and coaching, therapy I guess I could do.
Like most books I'll comprehend it, forget most of the contents, throw it to one side and never follow-through with the very models of self-improvement that I should be following like a religion.
Also have been obsessing, since 2001-ish perioidically, about the moral issues of peak oil and global warming/climate change. There was a story in Dr Amen's book about a little boy who worried himself til he was physically sick because he thought other people were going to hell or something. I am a bit like that kid and always have been really. Much to the chagrin of my partner, who loves kids, if she ever found out, I really don't want to bring a family into this world when there is so much war over remaining resources that we've wasted, decay, pollution, poverty and much more to come in their lifetimes. It's not fair to them.
Here's a list of ideas in my head for what I can do about all this but would love advice and your thoughts. Obviously not being fuelled by anxiety or almost psychosis, maybe someone has some advice for me..
1) My next appointment is in a fortnight and I asked my partner to come with me so she can give the pdoc the rundown from an external perspective. She is also very concise and able to get reasons for things I wouldn't have even considered, and passed on info to him that i wouldn't have thought.
2) I am taking Gingko Baloba 3 x daily per bottles instructions - they are 2000mg equiv to dry leaf containing 10.7mg or so of some other pure version of something.... per p260 of Amens' book
3) Taking fish oil 3 x daily
4) Once sure of the type(s) of ADD I have - AND EVEN IF I HAVE ADD!???! - then I can go out and get some of the other supplements he suggests - amino acids etc.
5) Avoiding the ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) per Amens book. Most of the self-esteem and confidence stuff above is all ANTs. But its so hard to get out of any of them.
6) Coaching/therapy..advice?
Thanks