ilovemusic
03-31-08, 08:05 AM
I'm 21. I live in europe. As far as i know in my country there's no ADD diagnosis for adults, only for kids and teens. So i haven't been diagnosed. Just reading tons of info on the net about ADD, and i think i have it (innatentive type). My parents divorced couple of years ago, i think my mom probably also has ADD. She is illogical, especially when in bad mood or slightly drunk, constantly jumping from one topic to another. Driving me insane.
I think i'm very logical person, good, kind and so on, but my last girlfriend (she's the one who practically called all this thing a "relationship") sad that i'm selfish and also very cold. I don't consider myself selfish by any means. She knows about my ADD, been supportive and so on. I never expected anything from her and never gave promises. I'm so used to being lonely, all i want is the truth. She's the one who invited me to hang out, called me and so on. Last time we seen each other after chatting online and texting, i was so cold, surprisingly for me (i learned that after years of isolation i'm broken much more than i thought), i could not do anything, toching her was very uncomfortable. I noticed that she's also uncomfortable because of that, it made everything worse, i was in fear, and being very empathetic myself (at least i think so), i was ready to just let her go and never see her again. Basically later after telling me she will not be with me anymore, she found another guy, which is not surprise for me. I'm fine with that. I just try to move on with my messy life (no work or education, some freelance form at home, hard to concentrate and so on). What IS a surprise for me — she called me selfish, knowing that i'm a person who's freezing, without friends and obviously without romantic relationships (never even kissed a girl). No one can explain me WHY there's something wrong with me. I think that's because i'm pretty intelligent and i can argue very well, which pi**es people off. Maybe it looks like i'm looking for some fault in people to blame them, but while i really am desperate about my situation, i think all i want is truth. I CAN very easily understand why a person will not want to be in relationship with me, but calling me selfish in this situation (by the way, i explained how i felt and everything to her, she knows, i'm trying to be honest) — it's bull****. I blame myself for being such a cold person, can't even give some warmth to a girl. And now i'm wondering, i'm i really felfish and don't realize it, OR i'm messing with her guilt and she is trying to come up with a reason why she would leave me. It's stupid from my POV, she already had that reason long time ago. Yesterday i texted her that i love her. Not to tell something that NORMAL people mean by these words (like i "want to be with you"), i thought it should be nice, or partly just for fun of destroing my ego. But hey, no one of these "good" not selfish people writes me such things, i would like it. Now think about it. I write her that i love her, and at the same time she's trying to tell me that i'm selfish, that it was soooo hard being with me ALL that time (not only the last time when it was really bad), like i asked her all that time to call me and hang out with me. It made me laugh. (: I know another girl who IMd me about how bad and felfish i am, sitting home with my mom and so on. I think she liked me definetly, but at this time in my life i don't want to experience that coldness anymore. Now i know how broken i am inside. But it's funny how these girls would try to hide something, like when they like me very much first, then they realise that i'm not as good as they think i am, but then they refuse to even admit that they liked me. Dishonesty just kills me and i'm trying prove my point, looks like i'm hurting people doing this, or want to hurt them, but i don't think that any of them are more hurt than me. Is it bad? Nevermind.
Then i had another girl, who "believed in me" first, bet later just dissapeared. And in the end I'M trying to understand why she did that, trying to contact her. I'm always there for other people, never ignoring them and so on. First they seem to like me, then they criticize me when i'm trying be myself and showing my feelings, then they dissapear. I'm always trying to play safe, never say good things about myself, trying not to dissapoint others and not to be hurt myself and so on. Honestly i think that i'm some king of bull**** detector, and i think that i try to be good with people, i'm hurt very often, trying to explain everything, always think that i may have done something wrong, but they don't understand. Lately i'm starting to appreciate myself more for everything. My life is still a mess though.
Tired of wrighting this, so one last thing about music. I noticed that i can concentrate MUCH better when i listen to good music that is new for me. Like it helps me to hyperfocus better. I'm not the only one with this?
Sorry for my english, by the way.
I think i'm very logical person, good, kind and so on, but my last girlfriend (she's the one who practically called all this thing a "relationship") sad that i'm selfish and also very cold. I don't consider myself selfish by any means. She knows about my ADD, been supportive and so on. I never expected anything from her and never gave promises. I'm so used to being lonely, all i want is the truth. She's the one who invited me to hang out, called me and so on. Last time we seen each other after chatting online and texting, i was so cold, surprisingly for me (i learned that after years of isolation i'm broken much more than i thought), i could not do anything, toching her was very uncomfortable. I noticed that she's also uncomfortable because of that, it made everything worse, i was in fear, and being very empathetic myself (at least i think so), i was ready to just let her go and never see her again. Basically later after telling me she will not be with me anymore, she found another guy, which is not surprise for me. I'm fine with that. I just try to move on with my messy life (no work or education, some freelance form at home, hard to concentrate and so on). What IS a surprise for me — she called me selfish, knowing that i'm a person who's freezing, without friends and obviously without romantic relationships (never even kissed a girl). No one can explain me WHY there's something wrong with me. I think that's because i'm pretty intelligent and i can argue very well, which pi**es people off. Maybe it looks like i'm looking for some fault in people to blame them, but while i really am desperate about my situation, i think all i want is truth. I CAN very easily understand why a person will not want to be in relationship with me, but calling me selfish in this situation (by the way, i explained how i felt and everything to her, she knows, i'm trying to be honest) — it's bull****. I blame myself for being such a cold person, can't even give some warmth to a girl. And now i'm wondering, i'm i really felfish and don't realize it, OR i'm messing with her guilt and she is trying to come up with a reason why she would leave me. It's stupid from my POV, she already had that reason long time ago. Yesterday i texted her that i love her. Not to tell something that NORMAL people mean by these words (like i "want to be with you"), i thought it should be nice, or partly just for fun of destroing my ego. But hey, no one of these "good" not selfish people writes me such things, i would like it. Now think about it. I write her that i love her, and at the same time she's trying to tell me that i'm selfish, that it was soooo hard being with me ALL that time (not only the last time when it was really bad), like i asked her all that time to call me and hang out with me. It made me laugh. (: I know another girl who IMd me about how bad and felfish i am, sitting home with my mom and so on. I think she liked me definetly, but at this time in my life i don't want to experience that coldness anymore. Now i know how broken i am inside. But it's funny how these girls would try to hide something, like when they like me very much first, then they realise that i'm not as good as they think i am, but then they refuse to even admit that they liked me. Dishonesty just kills me and i'm trying prove my point, looks like i'm hurting people doing this, or want to hurt them, but i don't think that any of them are more hurt than me. Is it bad? Nevermind.
Then i had another girl, who "believed in me" first, bet later just dissapeared. And in the end I'M trying to understand why she did that, trying to contact her. I'm always there for other people, never ignoring them and so on. First they seem to like me, then they criticize me when i'm trying be myself and showing my feelings, then they dissapear. I'm always trying to play safe, never say good things about myself, trying not to dissapoint others and not to be hurt myself and so on. Honestly i think that i'm some king of bull**** detector, and i think that i try to be good with people, i'm hurt very often, trying to explain everything, always think that i may have done something wrong, but they don't understand. Lately i'm starting to appreciate myself more for everything. My life is still a mess though.
Tired of wrighting this, so one last thing about music. I noticed that i can concentrate MUCH better when i listen to good music that is new for me. Like it helps me to hyperfocus better. I'm not the only one with this?
Sorry for my english, by the way.