View Full Version : How can I tell my loved one I have BPD?


yupyup1128
03-31-08, 01:36 PM
How do I bring this up? Explain it without sounding ,, I dunno ? Im like this because of this... Im not sure myself sometimes. All I know is the psych has diagnosed me with this a few years back. I want this person I love to understand why I am how I am and be ok with it. Its something I am trying to understand myself. I am scared that I will ultimately get closer to this person and screw it up and do something to ruin it. I have done this many times in the past with all types of relationships. Do something crazy then leave I am tried of running I need to face it and do something. I dont want this relationship to suffer because of how I am,

ANy ideas PLEAse

MumofMike
04-25-08, 07:14 AM
Hi,
First it's great that you want to break the destructive cycle of BPD and understand the impact it has on your life. My BF has ADHD/BPD, he didn't tell me about the BPD but after breaking up everytime we got close and having him scuttling back a couple of weeks later for the last 3 years I figured it out for myself. Initially I put it all down to our ADHD but when i realised it was more than that I set firm boundaries. He used to say some days he knew he loved him and others he just didn't feel like he did. Well progress, now he always knows he loves me and he won't get bored of our relationship. BUT he still has major issues about getting close ie living together and it all going pear shaped.

How long have you been in this relationship and what is different about this girl that has made you want to change? It really depends what sort of person she is as to how you introduce the subject. My guess is she already knows you have unlying issues. If you look at BPD recovery forums they will give you great advice, I understand it's a long road but well worth the journey when you get there. My man is just realising how big his problem is, whether he'll be able to recover- I don't know but we'll always be great friends.

I'd be really interested to hear about how your BPD has affected your relationship.

Best wishes

Annie

AngryLoneWolf
05-20-08, 09:24 PM
If the guy your with truely cares about you that you have bpd then it shouldn't be a problem besides he might just help you along the way

ADDrus
05-20-08, 10:21 PM
How do I bring this up? Explain it without sounding ,, I dunno ? Im like this because of this... Im not sure myself sometimes. All I know is the psych has diagnosed me with this a few years back. I want this person I love to understand why I am how I am and be ok with it. Its something I am trying to understand myself. I am scared that I will ultimately get closer to this person and screw it up and do something to ruin it. I have done this many times in the past with all types of relationships. Do something crazy then leave I am tried of running I need to face it and do something. I dont want this relationship to suffer because of how I am,

ANy ideas PLEAse
I guess this really depends on what you've done with your diagnosis. The "I hate you, don't leave me" nature of this disorder does not bode well for a long term intimate relationship if you are not actively in therapy and working on your issues. This disorder manifests itself in rocky relationships and a fear of abandonment that gets worse and worse the more intimate the relationship becomes. By sharing this information are you trying to justify your bad relationship behavior? You might be better off seeking better ways to address your relationship problems in a more healthy way.

The likelihood of your loved one being OK with the negative aspects of your disorder when you aren't actively working on changing them is really low.

Your fear "I am scared that I will ultimately get closer to this person and screw it up and do something to ruin it." Is completely justified as this is how your disorder manifests itself. Unless you do something to change your behavior, this cycle of events will continue to repeat in your relationships. Telling your SO about BPD is not going to change this.

If you truly don't want to suffer, book an appointment with a good therapist that is experienced in DBT. It's the only real hope of improving someone with BPD.

On a positive note, I very encouraged that you realize that there is a problem that needs correcting. Most people with BPD are very adamant that they don't have a problem and they rarely seek help of any kind. Please be aware that change is possible if you are willing to do the work. You can't just tell someone "oh it's BPD" and that's the end of it. It takes a real commitment by you and 3 - 5 years of the most difficult work you can imagine.

And please post back here for support and encouragement or with questions, that's what we're here for!

QueensU_girl
05-20-08, 11:29 PM
I am starting to wonder if my SO has BPD or another PD...

I love him but it is getting hard when he freaks out about what I perceive to be seriously minor stuff. The Frikkin' drama queen stuff is driving me nuts!

(Men can have it too...)

ADDrus
05-21-08, 12:51 AM
Yes men can have it too, not diagnosed as much with men, but there is strong evidence that the prevalence among men is higher then the statistics indicate.

High danger of domestic violence with men. Be careful.

I think the correlation between the symptoms of ADD and Borderline are scary close. With the comorbididy of the two and the difficulty in diagnosing the BPD, more people should be watching out for this on this forum.

Ms.Maddbord
02-28-11, 11:41 PM
I WAS ALSO DIAGNOSED A FEW YEARS BACK,and I told my boyfriend at that time and we are still together after 6 years and now b/c of the security of the relationship,i do not think i am still borderline...i am adhd and sometimes explosive tho...yelling way too much which HAS to stop :P any hoo if they love you they will take you the way you are?? we hope

ADDrus
06-12-11, 09:17 PM
As far as I know, nobody just gets over BPD. You are either not showing the signs because you were never BPD, or you just don't see how this is manifesting itself. The abusive nature of BPD can take years for the SO to realize what the issue is. The BPD sufferer has a progressive disorder that if untreated will drive everyone away from them. How do you love someone in a healthy way when they abuse you?