My wife is a wreck. She had been diagnosed Bipolar II prior to us evening meeting or knowing each other. During that stage of her life, she covered up a lot of her "bad" issues, lied on a few others, and was on a "high" of meeting me and having a new friend. I realize now that I fell in love with the woman who was on x, y, and z medications.

Her bipolar is resistent to medications, or seems to be. She has been on so many different kinds and combinations, even had ECT treatments. She has been down hill ever since we got married and we are coming up on 8 years here next week and the last two years have been hell.

She has been diagnosed with GAD (Generality Anxiety Disorder) and while looking back, it is as clear as day, I never realized it was anymore anxiety than what I dealt with (which I consider normal), but even being treated for it with meds now, it seems to be just be getting worse.

Two years ago, she went into the mental ward for suicidal thoughts. She was in their for 2 weeks, and spent 4 more times for 2 weeks a trip over the new year and half from that point.

I think more than anything, her personality is the primary issue I have with her. She is constantly "wrong" about things, all the time. Like, 10 time a day, she is wrong about stuff, but she is defiant that she is right and will raise her voice about it. If you ask her to do anything or ask why something was done, she has 100000000000 excuses and they don't always apply.

I believe strongly she has Borderline Personality Disorder, as she was always cutting herself when she was checked into the hospital last year. Her maturity is that of a 5 year old. She competes with our 5 year old on who wins or is right. I mean, come on.

She makes a mess and rarely picks up anything. You have to almost yell at her to get her to do something and it sucks, cause its not my personality. Even if I request nicely for her to do something, she won't do it, unless there is some self interest involved.

I've always suspected some OCD/OCPD traits in her, but never could put my finger on it. She also seems to have some ADHD traits, but not really either. She also has some Narcissist features... in fact, all those various things all fit under the same "type" and some docs have suggested "border path" as a name for it.

Her doc won't assign her to anything but what she has, probably for insurance or other reasons. He has her going to DBT Group theropy, but don't think its working or she is really applying it.

Her clutter and mess drive me bonkers. I make messes too and build clutter as fast as anyone else... but I at least clean it up every other day... she will got many, many months without so much as moving a can of pop in her room. (yes, her room, we don't sleep in the same room anymore).

Medically she in the last 2 months has been diagnosed with sleep apnea, and fatty liver disease, two years ago, she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, with a small pututoria growth tumor thingy. Basically, she has auto-immune issues. She has been having elevated white blood count (it increases with every test) and her liver enzymes are elevated. She seems in no rush to get that figured out or research ways to deal with fatty liver, she just says, "nothing can be done". Heck, I've done 100 times more research on it than she has... and I think she may have late stages of liver cancer, but she thinks I'm crazy. But, won't even go to the gastric doctor which she was directed to go to by her PCP for follow and further testing as no biopsy has been done.

She makes no connections to anyone other than family and an old roommate she had from time to time via email. She doesn't connect with anyone outside of that circle, not even online, no forums, rarely researches anything. She only plays various games on her computer and watches TV all day long. I've had to put my kids in daycare because she is incapable of being a mother.

She sleeps probably 14-15 hours per day.

I have enough trouble trying to keep organization of myself and run my business and operate in single father mode and even make special efforts to play "defense" for the kids because they get her brunt of personality issues as well and they don't get to go anywhere with her cause of her anxiety. Anytime I appear to be "free" she lumps them on me or if I have work on the garage, she sends them out with me. I can't go through a garage and clean through stuff and sort things with a 3 & 5 year old, that has been a project that has been going on 3 years now.

She wants all of us to bow to all her wishes, but she makes no effort to do any of our requests.

I don't know what to do.

Hi Zapped,

To be frank, you're in a crappy situation.

I think you need to remember that you're a father to two kids and that you should continue from here in a direction that's going to provide the best outcome for the welfare of your kids.

It sounds to me that you and your wife have grown apart from each other. If she is unwilling to help, then you two are only going to grow further apart. Also she doesn't, or cannot see, that her actions and choices are hurting you.

I recommend that you speak to a lawyer and find out who will have custody of the children should you and your wife separate.

MMmmmmmmm, sorry to hear your story.

It sounds a bit intractable. She seems to lack insight into the effects that her illness has on those around her, maybe she's unmotivated, maybe she just can't. Either way, I gotta agree with Driver. You got two little folks whose healthy development depends on you, and a chaotic and emotionally charged environment is tough on kids. (I'm not a parent, btw, just grew up in a similar environment).

There's a thread somewhere in here on "loving detachment." I haven't read it all, but it sounds to me like something that you may need to do here, for your own sake and your kids' sake, perhaps, though that likely makes you sad (makes me sad...).

It may well be that that will be a wake up call, which would be terrific. But such things can't be counted on. To be honest, for HER sake you probably need to bolt, because she can't possibly like herself in this state.

Good luck to you. I feel for you.

Sandy

How horrible :(

Bipolar can be a horrific condition for the person who has it and the people that are close to them. I've had family members and friends with it, some have learned to manage it and others haven't

In the end you have to look after yourself. She's the one that lied and covered up many of her problems...I don't think you owe her anything or have to suffer for the rest of your life while trying to support this person. It would probably even be bad for your wife having someone around that resents almost everything about her.

I'm not an expert on bipolar but I'd look at trying a temp. separation or divorce.

Driver mentioned seeing a lawyer and I think this is the best thing to do. Very good advice.

Research everything you can and plan out exactly what you're going to do so it doesn't turn into a messy custody battle. Maybe even talk to a psychologist that has experience with bipolar patients so you can break this to her as carefully and softly as possible.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar isn't a nice combination IMO :(

Good luck. Look after yourself and your children first.

My daughters Kindergarten teacher said that our daughter has an issue with bragging and I thought, you know... your right, she does. But, I wasn't sure how much of it was normal or not for her age. Obviously, it is an issue.

Well, my wife does this all the time. I have seen so much of my 5 year old in my wife that in many ways, genetically, personality and actions/thoughts seem to be identical to my wife. I struggle with this and I'd like to head off as much as possible. While I know I can't "change her" from getting any of this, I can work with her to better cope with stuff and help mute some of the BPD side things.

Although, those on BPD forums say that I should NOT confuse my daughters actions with my wife, and to realize that my wife acts like a 5 year old, and that my daughters actions are normal and my wife's actions are not. So, that is nice to hear, but I still am concerned.

I struggle with the divorce thing. My parents divorced when I was in high school and I was an only child. While it is all a blur to me, I vowed to do my best to be the best husband/dad I could be. I feel that I have succeeded in those areas, but I know in the last 2 years or so, I have been utterly destroyed from the inside out by my wife and I have no desire to "be my best" toward her.

I am also a Christian and it's not just a surface level thing. I know it is not God's desire that I get divorced and I know I need to allow Him to work through this situation, but I know I keep looking for some type of "okay" on taking the divorce route, but I can't seem to find it... except in circles online where I tell what is going on and everyone is like.. DUH, get a divorce. But, I take "worldly wisdom" at it's value and give it proper weight.

More than anything, I desire to do what is right. I have talked to an attorney before on custody issues and our county and I didn't get any warm and fuzzes that it would be cut and dry. Only if my wife was recently admitted to the mental ward, would I clearly be able to win any emergency orders, and as such trying to set precedence. I know my wife knows, deep down, I'd be best for the girls overall, but I can see her selfish and self serving ways getting in the way doing what she knows is right.

I find myself getting more "selfish" and I hate it. It's not who I am. In the BPD world, they call it "fleas" where spouses or SO's or family members pick up actions that are similar to those with BPD which are contrary to the person's typical behavior.

I know no would look at me and think, "ZappedMind your horrible" if I got divorced because everyone knows that I have taken the upper path through all this and went out of my way to not be self-serving. In fact, I think while her parents would be disturbed by such actions, I know deep down that I did my best. My wife is adopted so there is less "blood line" issues here.

But, even if 100000 people come up to me and said, "Get a divorce", I am not sure I could do it, without approval from above. At this point in the game, I feel like I should "wait". For how long, why, when, where, I don't know the answers too.

I know for those who don't believe in God that such talk is "crazy talk" and that's fine. I think when people say there is no God, that is "crazy talk". I'm not here to debate a long string of religious issues, but it is the solid rock that I stand on, and my problems I face are the same as everyone else.

It's admirable that you want to be the best darn husband & father you can be so as not to follow your footsteps of your parents, but don't let that blind you. Sometimes two people are better off living apart (why do you think kids are so keen to leave the nest).

I don't think you're ever going to find the answers you seek online. You could spend years and still not find them. I think the answer is inside of you and that you best speak to your local priest/pastor or a counselor and together try and dig it out of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I agree with Driver, the answers you seek will only be found within. God will speak to you when the time is right, and you will know what to do. Your faith is inspiring, as is your desire to do whats best for your family.

My advice, if you want it (if not then just disregard it) is to focus your attention on positive things. Try to image how you will feel once you have the answer (regardless of what the answer is). Would you have a feeling of peace? Reassurance? Relief? Focus on that feeling and try to be detached from what the answer will be.

In the mean time, the only other suggestion I have is Landmark Education
http://landmarkeducation.com/
I gained more freedom from my situation through this program than anything else I have done.

You are a very strong person, and you will chose what is best for you and your children.

This may not be a nicest suggestion, not trying to be cruel. Do you think you could develop a routine and family structure with just you and your girls and kind of pretend your wife is not there?

Go about your business and don't ask her to do anything, but don't wait on her either. Perhaps once a day you could load her messes into a laundry basket and deliver them to her room.

Do everything with a smile and try to act like her actions don't bother you (even if they do). She would have to choose to participate if she wanted to be a part of the rest of the happy family.

Just an idea........

Zapped, I can only imagine how frustrating your predicament must be. Have you looked into family/ couple's counseling for you and your wife? It sounds like there are a lot of problems here, one of which may be broken down communication between you two.

My prayers are with you and your family!

-umami

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Let me do a combo response to many of you all combined together.

I think, about 2.5 years ago... I was at the end of my rope so to speak. I felt like the whole relationship was about her, and apparently she wanted more. The kids where younger then and life at home was in disarray. Since I was working 2nd shift, I tried to use the daytime I had to further along my business in hopes of getting something going full-time. I had my own business even prior to meeting her and she has seen the success I have done in business, so it's not like it's the "lost hope path".

Since she never took the kids anywhere or went to the grocery store, she would wait until I woke up in the morning and then hand the kids to me. This was in spite of any requests I made (days in advance) that I would be needing time on a given day to focus on my business. There was no boundaries with her, she never honored them.

I found a great, low-cost shared office space solution. I place I could go to to get away from the kids cause she didn't have a handle on them (and still doesn't) and I talked with her before I did it and discussed it and she agreed to it. I would only do it 3 days a week. Ironically, shortly after, she dicided to attempt another version of her jewelry business she has always wanted. While I also do things at minimal cost when I start things, she went ALL out. Spent about $2000-$3000, which I allowed her to spend because "she needed it" and it was nice to see her excited about something cause it seems she has no hobbies or any interest in anything short of TV. So, for someone who couldn't ever get up, was tired all the time... and had 5000 excuses not to do any house work, she managed to do all that was necesary to make that all "run". I asked many times for spread sheets of her expenses and what not, and never got one. I'd be talking to her about some random topic and she'd respond with "you should see this bracelet I ordered", so it was obvious she wasn't listening to me. It was constant jewelry this, jewelry that. I was sick of it. But, I wanted to be a supportive husband and support her in her adventures, just as I had my own.

I even let her use my office space when I wasn't down there and let her go "get away" from the kids to focus on that.

Well, 2 months into having this office space, I realized that my wife was beginning to crumble apart. Realizing that the office space was a pipe-dream, I gave 30 days notice and my 3rd month their, I never even went once. About the end of that month, she went into the mental hospital for suicidal issues. Because she ended up going in 3 times that year and have 15+ ECT treatments, her business was closed the moment she walked into that hospital. Since she had no paperwork or spreadsheets... I was left with dealing with her business, on top of being Mr Mom overnight. I had to cancel her booth at a local market and later that year, had to deal with two states (we live about 1.5 miles from the state border) of tax stuff, and bank account, it was a royal pain.

I had always felt that her "going to the hospital" was a form of control for her. She knew I was pulling away from her and I did it because I felt unloved and never was any attention given to me. I had given and supported all I could, but it was never enough for her. My Thinking was that if I pulled back from her, she would realize what was happening and step forward in a effort to show her dedication to the relationship. However, she didn't step forward, but in fact, took her own step backwards. So, I took another step back and she did the same thing. Then another, and her another. When I realized that my stepping back didn't cause her to step forward or even so much as flinch, then the feelings of resentment started to kick in. Things she said during our couples therapy like, "You really want ME TO CHANGE???????" as though I was asking her to kill someone, something that as against her morals or something. A comment he said like, "Why should I clean the house, when it will be done for me eventually?" Those where like knives to the back.

In fact, I just realize this... I think it might be coming down to a game of chicken... who is going to make "break" first. Will I break first and file for divorce, or will she? What is accomplished by this... just so we can say, "He/She filed for divorce, not ME!". But, at the same time, any talk of divorce always go back to "wedding vows", you made those, you need to keep them!! she will say to me.

This may not be a nicest suggestion, not trying to be cruel. Do you think you could develop a routine and family structure with just you and your girls and kind of pretend your wife is not there?

Go about your business and don't ask her to do anything, but don't wait on her either. Perhaps once a day you could load her messes into a laundry basket and deliver them to her room.

Do everything with a smile and try to act like her actions don't bother you (even if they do). She would have to choose to participate if she wanted to be a part of the rest of the happy family.

Just an idea........

I pondered this today. Today is the day my wife goes to DBT Group therapy. I usually break early and pick up my oldest from school and spend time with her running errands and getting a little snack and just doing stuff together, anything. So, today I picked her up and we went to get her snack, then to pick up a batter for my lawn mower. Then back home and we got some leaves out and mowed the front yard, she played a little bit. Then we left and picked up her sister, grabbed a bite to eat then went home. Went outside and we played then my youngest (3) helped me with putting down fertilizer stuff on our 1/2 acre yard. She finally got bored and went to our tree swing. So I'd swing her and then do some more of the yard, then switch back and forth.

I get SO MUCH DONE when my wife is not around, it's weird. Well, she finally gets home and goes inside. The girls went inside as well, and I was wrapping up my outside stuff, so I went in. I started putting things away and cleaning up trash and I naturally leave her stuff typically and let it pile up and bother me... so I thought about what you said... just act like she wasn't their. So, I picked up her stuff and she even gave me some odd looks. Granted I spent half my time pick her up HER stuff and sorting through HER papers but anyhow... and while the kids fought over each other to get her attention, I went ahead and start my laundry. So, about 20 minute s later we are coming up on 7pm, my youngests bet time. My wife has a TON of anxiety about putting her to bed, since anytime she attempts to do it, our daughter typically yells at her and wants me to do it, since I ALWAYS do it. But, for some reason, I am DEAD tired and while I didn't fall asleep, I was in "sleep mode". I broke the mode of pretending she wasn't their at this point, I wanted to see if she would get our daughter and put her to bed or not if I was asleep. Well, I heard her mention several times it was past her bedtime but she just sat on the couch watching TV. About 7:20 she got our daughter and put her pajamas on and got her teeth brushed. Then came and and said that our daugther was ready. I'm "asleep" by this time, but she obviously doesn't observe very well.

It wasn't until 7:30 that she realized I was "asleep" and boy, I would have been (Been up since 3:30am) but was waiting to see how this drama unfolded. So... she finally realizes I am asleep but she panics and says, "ZappedMind... are you asleep? Are you okay and comes running up to me and shakes my leg." thinking I'm dead or unconcious or something. So, I woke up and she goes, "its her bedtime!". So, I got up and took our daughter to bed and low and behold... our daughter says, "I don't want daddy, I want mommy to put me to bed." I'm like... wonderful... I get a break. Wife is very surprised and she delayed for 30 minutes over nothing.

So, I went in and changed my clothes form the washer to the dryer and hung up my shirts to dry. But, as I was doing this, she was getting our oldest ready for bed and I heard them arguing over whether I was asleep or not. My wife was saying, "Daddy is tired, he went to bed, he gets up early." and my daughter is saying, "No, he isn't asleep" and so I put down the shirts I am hanging up and go walking in and my daughter is like, "SEE... I TOLD YOU!" Once again, mom was wrong.

Sorry, I am just ranting here.... how anyone with ADHD can read this is beyond me. But, if you did... thanks! :o

This is a complicated issue, or its not. What does that mean? It means that OK, you married someone without knowing the full scope of their issues. On one hand, you were deceived and have the right to feel duped and can do what you need to do with moral clarity.. On the other hand, maybe you weren't intentionally mislead but that this someone fell in love with you and with all good intentions tried to suppress lifelong problems that they truly thought they could control because they really thought this time with you would be different.

Both could be right, and both are probably right. So now what? You can choose to dedicate yourself to understanding and attempting to help your wife overcome her mental illness (whatever the official diagnosis, she obviously has one) if you have the strength and desire to do so. You can do your best to raise and support your children in the manner that is best for their welfare in tandem with that..

That might not be the easiest thing, you may never succeed, but then again you might.

OR

You can decide that this is not what you signed up for, separate from your wife and then do the best you can for your children and help them along with whatever path your wife eventually goes down.

That also might not be the easiest thing, but you will have more control over the success of your part of the equation.

If you love your wife enough to devote all your time and energy to helping her, thats great. But just remember, your no less of a person if you aren't willing to do so. You do have your own happiness to consider and you are entitled to that..

So, I really am not saying that you should do one thing over the other.. I am simply saying that you should do what you really think is the best thing for YOU to do and to realize thats just as important.

And not to poo-poo any faith or religious aspects, because I don't wish to dismiss your religious beliefs as far as your decision goes, but honestly I really wouldn't base such a serious conclusion on it. I would think that even for those that rely heavily on the structure of their faith that sometimes there are cases where a little slack can be given ;)

Hey there ZappedMind,

I've been pondering your dilemma for the last day now, because I really feel for you. You sound fed up, angry, resentful, unhappy . . . and feeling martyred, frankly. I too am deeply faithful. At church today, my pastor was discussing the following passage and I immediately thought about you -- It was weird!

Malachi 2:13-16 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel.

Obviously this was in the context of Christian faith (which you did not state specifically that you are, BUT if you are) that is what the Word says about divorcing your wife. Of course, the Israelites were putting their wives aside just for things like not liking their cooking, but you are correct in your earlier statement that according to the Bible, God sees divorce very differently than contemporary American society.

That being said, just because you don't divorce your wife doesn't mean, for example, that you have to live with her right now if you are that close to being driven crazy by her behavior. It sounds like you are living with someone with the functioning level of a child. She sounds like someone who did not experience the best upbringing or role models of competent adulthood.

I don't know what you should do, but you sound so angry and fed up that by now that it could be getting somewhat toxic in your home. Do what you think is best for your kids, but remember -- just because you are married doesn't mean you have to live in the same house.

Thank you so much... I will seek wisdom from it and get back with you. Have a wonderful day, for this is a day the Lord has made.

Hi Zapped,

Please know that all the good that you do will not go unnoticed (even though it seems that way now). Your wife - she may never notice or appreciate you, but your children will. You may very well be the one who is (or will be) SAVING their lives.

What do I mean? Well, I grew up in a home similar to the one your oldest is growing up in. Then - one day - my father and I went for a walk and he told me he was going to be divorcing my mother. I told him I though that was GREAT because I witnessed how mean my mother was to him, and it broke my heart. I was glad that he finally was standing up to her. However - nothing prepared me for what was to follow.

Several weeks later when my father moved out, my mother relocated her bedroom to the downstairs rec room - which had a door that locked, and also housed the downstairs bathroom. She basically locked herself in there when she got home from work (she began working fulltime, 11 - 7:00p.m. shift) and didn't leave except to go to work the next day. Me and my sisters took care of ourselves the best we could. Sometimes my mother would talk to my 2 younger sisters, but the only time she talked to me was -- well, if she needed something, I guess, but it was obvious that she loathed me (she had told me that she hated me many times already) and couldn't wait until I was gone. She always said to me, "Why don't you go live with your father."

Well - living with my father sounded like a wonderful idea, but after he left, and the first time I visited him at his new place, I went to hug him - and experienced him as a new person - not MY DAD just in a new place . . . this man wanted nothing to do with a hug, pushed me away, and said, "What do you think you're doing?" OUCH! He also had his new girlfriend there. And the next morning when I casually mentioned how I hate waking up early in the morning (always did, always do it though because I've always had to) - on the morning ride, after dropping his girlfriend off at her place of work - and onto the next destination of dropping me off at school - he looked at me and venomously growled as he scolded/commanded, "Don't you EVER say anything like that again!!" I asked him "Don't say what again, Dad?" (Who is this man and why is he acting this way?) He replied, "Don't you EVER say how you don't like getting up so Early!! You hurt ____'s feelings. And I swear, if you do anything to f@ck up this relationship, that'll be the end of you."
And 25 years later, as good as I've been to my father, he's never loved me or even treated me politely again, after he divorced my mother and left us kids whom with a woman who - it turns out - has a psychotic disorder. (Maybe I reminded him of my mother? some would say. And my mother said I reminded her of my father at times. And neither of them could get past that, and seemed to despise me. And guess what!? Living my life has been difficult for me. I've just discovered why . . . )

I'm sorry to write about myself - perhaps I got carried away. My point is: Please don't abandon your children. If you love them - DON'T STOP!! Don't assume your wife will suddenly turn into a good person, able to NOT be selfish and able to NOT compete with her children . . . . Don't leave those defenseless children with that kind of a parent. THAT is the only thing that I believe would be a serious sin.

My 2 cents.

Sincerely,
Sue

Sue,

Sorry to hear of your troubled relationship with your parents. I really felt for you, esp. when you father rejected you like that.

Sue,
You sound remarkably well ajusted after all that. Its amazing what children can survive. I'm sorry you had to grow up like that. Take Care

Zapped, I got it all read and you do sound just fed-up. I rant and can go on forever about things my bf does and do on here occationally. My bestfriend has heard it all non stop w/o me taking a breath. It comes down to you are the only one you can change,I know you have heard it a dozen times. IMHO (I'm not a parent) if you divorced it would be unbelievable that she would get custody w/ multiple suicide attempts, plus your already raising the children by yourself. Also she sounds very disordered and really anything you do she probably will never step up. I also think it would be hard to have her disorders and get any healing when being a wife and mother and your day to day existance shows failure at every turn. And if it doesm't and she has no empathy for you its a losing battle.

I'm not religious but, if you're opposed to divorce, but feel being apart would be best, try separating. don't divorce, just separate. divide your funds, income, make legal custody arrangements for the meantime; get a bit of perspective and Breathing room. then you'll be able to make a better decision [AND,the magical housework fairy won't be visiting her for a while];)

I was thinking more along the lines of taking the kids with you, Zapped, because it sounds like she's unable to care for them adequately by herself . . . and is it certain that she would want to?

Even living in two different apartments in the same complex, maybe, so that Mom and Dad could both have plenty of time with the kids, but, for the sake of Zapped, having a space that is his own that he can go to as a refuge when he's at the end of his rope -- and perhaps for her to get it touch with how badly she really needs to get her stuff together and how she really needs to learn to take care of herself.

I don't know.

Sloppity Sue, hugs and more hugs.