I've never officially admitted it to anyone but myself that I have an addiction problem.

Downers like alcohol, valium, clonopin, etc... I could give or take.

Painkillers like lortab, vicodin, codiene, oxy's... Yum, I'll take what I can get.

Uppers like cocaine and amphetimines... I'll take it all and jones for more.

Therein lies my problem. And I have sooooo much guilt associated with that problem, too.

I'm not worried about cocaine - I'm not around it. I can count on one hand how many times I've done it. But I'll tell you this, if someone put a plate of coke in my face I don't know if I could resist, honestly. Some days I feel stronger than others.

Adderall, though, I DO have to worry about.

(Here's where the guilt kicks in.) The first time I did adderall was 8 or 9 years ago (when Shire made it - Shire made it best btw). My son was prescribed 10mg/day. I crushed one and snorted. At that time, 2.5mg was enough to get me high.

Over a period of maybe 4 years, I went from doing 2.5mg at a time to doing 120mg at a time. Went from ir to xr. None of it mine. I felt like a junkie every time I went to get my son's prescription filled. Paranoid, too.

In the beginning, it was easy to fool my son, I just gave him a vitamin and told him it was his medicine. Then when the switch to xr came, I had to get creative. Eventually, I found something that looked similar to the xr beads to fill the capsules with. But it was complicated and very time consuming.

Then I married and my stepson was dx'd with add. Yay! More adderall for me.

This went on for a few years - the rollercoaster of getting high and crashing. Then jonesing until the next script was filled.

When we moved to another state, I quit. I went for two and a half years with nothing. Last fall, when I sought help for my add, I was so afraid that I would go back to abusing, justifiably. That's why I decided to try other things before adderall.

I tried strattera first - sleepy and depression kicked in.
Next came concerta - made me feel jittery and bad.
Finally, adderall. I was afraid it wouldn't work because of my prior abuse, but it does work. If I take the right amount.

My problem is, I don't have control. I like the extra oomph (it doesn't make me feel high like it used to) it gives me. So, I'll take more and I'll keep taking it until its time to sleep. I can only go a little over 30 hours without sleep, at that point doing any more adderall will only act like an instant sleeping pill.

I never told my pdoc about my prior abuse, and I won't. I'm afraid she won't treat me. So what do I do? I'd like to think I have control, but every time I've gotten meds, I've over done it. I don't have anybody I want to confide in enough to hold my meds for me. I thought about asking my husband, but I don't want to. There's nobody else.

I've thought about alternative and natural treatments, but all I really want is to be able to use adderall responsibly. And I don't want to keep on trying this and that. Its frustrating, especially when I have to wait a whole month before I see my pdoc again.

I'm glad I was able to get this out. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about this. Especially my husband - he just couldn't relate. He has no addictions. (He can't even tolerate caffiene.) That's one of the biggest things that I was attracted to about him (no addictions.)

I've been reading this forum for a few months before I became a member. Now I feel like I have a (different) family. People I can relate to, confide in, and also hopefully help.

I don't feel as bad as I did when I started this thread. Thanks for being here. I sure would appreciate any response - except please don't make me feel bad for depriving my children of thier medication and using it to feed my own habit. Believe me, I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life. Anything else would be fine.

I'm going to attempt to go to sleep again, so g'night for now.

Oh my god. That's really sick (in the Era Vulgaris sense of the word). This is cool to play in one's head. Sorry for your pain though.

"I don't feel as bad as I did when I started this thread. Thanks for being here. I sure would appreciate any response - except please don't make me feel bad for depriving my children of thier medication and using it to feed my own habit. Believe me, I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life. Anything else would be fine."

I hope you do feel a little better for posting that. And I hope you find the peace you need.

The whole of life is a process we each go through in our own individual way. For some it’s a nice fun merry-go-round and for others it’s a kick-*** rollercoaster ride. Part of the process is learning from our mistakes and working to make things better for ourselves and those we care about. And the most important part of that is facing up to and admitting our mistakes and working really hard not to repeat them. Stay above the battles… And take care of you.

Could you maybe do the skin patch that they prescribe for kids? At least then the hubby would be likely to notice if you had patches all over yourself. (Ok that's a little funny, you gotta admit.... Did it get at least a little bit of a smile?)

There's also vyvanse, which would at least prevent you from being able to abuse the meds by snorting, I think. Or, at least, I think that that's the idea with it.

Thanks, Sandy. That did make me laugh. Just what I needed.

I'm gonna try control one more time. I see my pdoc next week. If I find that I just can't do it, then I will consider something else. I have thought about the patch as well as vyvanse.

Bluerose, thanks for your helpful words. I am on my own personal journey to find peace in my life. I am learning from my mistakes. I try not to repeat them.

Mincan: era vulgaris? I don't understand.

Oh, another thing I learned: Just like you're not supposed to drink and drive, or drink and dial, you should also not drink and post! :D

Before I posted last night I had two Bacardi's and two sleeping pills (sonata 10mg each), couldn't get to sleep. So I got up, took 3 valerian root, 3 clonazepam (1mg each) and 2 simply sleep (50 mg each). I figured I'd get online until it all kicked in.

Then I read SusanneX's post about her ritalin experience and I totally cried, got so emotional, and felt the urge to purge - my feelings, that is.

I sooooo wouln't have posted all that with sober head, but I guess I'm glad I did, anyway.

P.S. I hardly ever drink, and I only took all that sleeping meds cause I could Not get to sleep, its not an every day occurance. ;)

I’m glad to hear that because there is one thing we neglect to think about sometimes and that is what all these meds are doing to our inner organs, especially our liver and kidneys.

Oh, another thing I learned: Just like you're not supposed to drink and drive, or drink and dial, you should also not drink and post! :D

Before I posted last night I had two Bacardi's and two sleeping pills (sonata 10mg each), couldn't get to sleep. So I got up, took 3 valerian root, 3 clonazepam (1mg each) and 2 simply sleep (50 mg each). I figured I'd get online until it all kicked in.

Then I read SusanneX's post about her ritalin experience and I totally cried, got so emotional, and felt the urge to purge - my feelings, that is.

I sooooo wouln't have posted all that with sober head, but I guess I'm glad I did, anyway.

P.S. I hardly ever drink, and I only took all that sleeping meds cause I could Not get to sleep, its not an every day occurance. ;)

Don't be ashamed to post and dont carry guilt it has absolutly no purpose other than to motivate change. I feel in reading your "sober" post that your minimzing your addiction. I also feel that you are hiding it and the reason is so you still have the option to abuse. If you really want to change this you probably need to let your husband hold your meds. I have done all kinds of drugs in the past and so did my friends. A lot of them are dead now, or they're addicted. I understand about you wanting to have control over yourself and being afraid that they will take a med away that works. So maybe you could go at least half way, tell your husband that you are afraid that you may abuse but dont tell your pdoc so you will still be prescribed the ritilin. The fact that you dont drink doesnt matter as its not your drug of choice anyway.The first post that your ashamed of is not as desturbing to me as the denial in your second post. You owe it to your family to make sure this stops. Most of all you owe it to yourself. People who OD on downers and alcohol never know thats what is going to happen. Anyway Im kind of afraid to hit the submit reply button because I dont want you to feel bad or for this to be negative, I just want you to think about it. I was going to go about this in a round about way but hopefully you will get the spirit in which I mean this. Take Care

Dear neuroticme,

I just want to let you know that I understand having substance abuse issues - and I've had many years experience in being addicted and being "in recovery" from addiction. I understand the guilt and shame and self-loathing. I understand the position of WANTING to want to stop.

If you'd ever like to private message (p.m.) me, feel free. I understand.

Sincerely,
Sue