Currently not on any medications. I have an appointment at this new MH place on Monday. I am hoping they will let me see a counselor and psychiatrist. Still unsure if I want to be on meds or not.

I noticed that I am on my way down. I was manic/mixed for a few weeks and I feel the usual signs of depression slipping in. I know I am still new at all of this and still new at figuring out my cycles. But the depression part I have always been aware of. Not necessarily the when or how, but just being aware that I have been depressed in the past. And that its coming on again...

I am still able to control the negative thoughts. Redirecting my attention to positive things and/or spiritual ideas. This works most of the time.

Its the feelings and the energy I am losing control of. The wanting to back out of commitments, or withdrawal socially. Wanting to go home and go to bed or just watch movies. People who are close to me are beginning to annoy me. I feel at times like I am just so sick of talking or thinking about how I feel or dealing with other people.

Does anyone have any tips or any natural remedies/treatments for depression or bipolar?

What helps you pull out of the depression cycle sooner or have it not be as severe as it can be?

I'm not sure how to help, but know that I am here for you.:p

Much to the disappointment of my family, especially my grandmother, natural intervention did little for me. I believe in it, wholeheartedly, but when the bottom finally fell out, I was well beyond exercise, vitamins, supplements, etc.

I will say that allowing yourself to withdraw will make the depression worse. I was blessed to have a very, very good friend push me out the door everyday to help bring me out of my devastating depression. Go for a walk, go to the Library...do something...go for a drive (with today's gas prices:eek:) just do something to keep in a routine, get fresh air, and change your scenery. Without it, the possibility of spiraling out of control is very real.

Good luck and keep us posted :)

Zoie, I'm finding myself in the very same situation currently. BPII is something that I discussed with my pdoc and she ruled out. I'm just not so sure, though.

I'm a little shaken up to think that I was so oblivious to my own behavior over the last 4 weeks. I had a deadline today, and I busted my tail to meet it. I succeeded, but any sense of accomplishment I feel is bittersweet.

Briefly, I now see that my behavior in the past 4 weeks isn't reflective of the person I want to be: abrasive, brash, anxious, and so focused on meeting a deadline that I lose sight of the relationships and people in my life who matter. I wonder how much of my career has followed a similarly cyclical pattern? After an intensely productive stretch, I'm invariably lulled into a sense of melancholy (--the kind with a seemingly limitless umbra.)

Currently, I'm alone at home eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich in my pajamas on a Friday night wondering "why am I doing this?" and "what value really is there in the way I'm living my life?" I'm almost thankful for the fact that everyone I thought to ask today to go out tonight and celebrate politely declined multiple options.

I'm at least aware that I have a major problem finding balance. I see the person I am and don't like what I see one bit. It's a humbling experience, but it doesn't have to be destructive.

The way I see it, we can either use disappointments like this to learn from our mistakes or we can resign ourselves to the current path--expecting to encounter the same disappointments again and again. I'm dead set on making some major changes. It will be tough, but I've already made the choice, so I'll just take it 1 day at a time.

Ways I intend to pull myself out of fast approaching "my life is meaningless/worthless" blues:

1. Exercise. I expect it may be tough tomorrow morning considering I wouldn't mind if I went to sleep tonight never to awaken again.

2. Spend a little more time making sure I'm looking my best. I'd prefer to stay at home in pajamas, but I know that under better circumstances, I wouldn't feel this way.

3. Make sleep a priority. I loathe routines but right now, I realize that I could use one.

4. Call old friends. I'm just about to pick up the phone and call someone I haven't spoken to in over a year. If it doesn't go well, I'll call another. I've shut so many people out of my life over the past decade in the seemingly benign way you described in your post. It catches up with you, though.

5. In general, I recognize the need for me to question my "resistance" to doing things right now. If it's unhealthy or against my goals, fine... If it's along the lines of "I'd rather not..." or "ehh, I'll do it later" I'll make myself do it. Starting with hitting "submit reply," picking up the phone, and calling a friend.

Some people say take it 1 day at a time, when things get rough. I'm taking it one moment & one step at a time. It really helps knowing that you and others out there are experiencing something similar. I'm sorry that you're where I'm at, but remembering I'm not facing this alone helps remind me that this too shall pass.

Keep us posted on how your meetings go this week!

I totally agree about taking it one moment at a time. Sometimes walking past that moment seems so pointless -- and that's the illness talking. I also agree that it's those things that we feel like doing LEAST (drinking water, getting dressed, exercising, eating healthy, going to sleep at a reasonable time, praying/meditating, talking to someone, taking our meds, getting out of bed, etc) are the things we need to do the MOST to help the pendulum swing in the other direction.

Something as small as cleaning out a drawer or throwing away a bunch of papers in piles can elevate my mood long enough to see over the funk and to see surviving through the next hour, even the next day. Even Jesus said, don't worry about tomorrow, it has enough trouble of its own. So I try not to think of all the things that could throw me into a depressive anxiety.

Hope you're feeling better. Natural approaches are good complements for medical treatment, but I've never found them to resolve my more intense symptoms.

Hugs.

Hello. Everyone is different. You can try to use some natural stuff like Omega 3 pills and certain amino acids, yoga, etc. and it might work. I encourage you to look up Eckhart Tolle as well as the science of Neuroplasticity. There are also many studies that show exercise is a tremendous help with depression...if you can get yourself to do it of course.

I tried the natural way and it didn't really help...HOWEVER...and this is a big however thus the CAPS...I never changed my lifestyle so I don't really know if natural can work for me. The funny thing is that most of humanity is ******* crazy so even if meds help the amplification that is Bipolar eventually the crazy conditioning of humanity will put tons of hurt on people and cause relapse. You see it in forums like these all the time. So there is no magic bullet...yet :-). I don't like being on meds either nor do I like being immobilized on the verge of long-term disability. However, meds will NEVER heal...never never never...meds allow space for healing to occur. It is important for other things..awareness of what is going on within...acceptance..lifestyle change..etc...to happen for the real healing to begin.

Hope you feel better.

Much to the disappointment of my family, especially my grandmother, natural intervention did little for me. I believe in it, wholeheartedly, but when the bottom finally fell out, I was well beyond exercise, vitamins, supplements, etc.

I will say that allowing yourself to withdraw will make the depression worse. I was blessed to have a very, very good friend push me out the door everyday to help bring me out of my devastating depression. Go for a walk, go to the Library...do something...go for a drive (with today's gas prices:eek:) just do something to keep in a routine, get fresh air, and change your scenery. Without it, the possibility of spiraling out of control is very real.

Good luck and keep us posted :)

Good advice. One thing that I find works well is to break the pattern and create space. Don't think about getting out of bed and doing something, just force your bootie out of bed and go do something different (hopefully involving physical activity). Sometimes you just need a drill sgt. in the head to bark :okay missie you are getting out of bed on the count of 3..1...2..3"

The appointment was just an intake. Apparently they have staff meetings on Tuesdays and I should be assigned someone who has room for another client.

I went manic for a day or so (still am slightly). I was so energized my whole body was shaking when I went in for my appointment. Now I am just irritable and filled with racing thoughts. Slightly depressing, racing thoughts...

Thank you to everyone who has posted. Its nice to know I am not the only one who goes through this.

I am going to the gym tonight. And trying to cut out foods I let slip into my daily diet again (refined sugar, wheat, dairy and caffeine). Hopefully this will contribute, at least slightly to my stability.

On my way down again. Harder than last time. Feeling broken. Feeling hopeless.

Wondering about my obsessive nature/habits and how they have impacted areas of my life. Work, friendships, relationships, school, parenting... etc.

Wondering too if ADD is in the mix here.

I have an appoitnment with the new agency on the 21st. It seems forever away. I think I am just seeing a counselor that day too.

Part of me really wants meds right now. But this could also be the addict in me (I have 5 years sober) Thinking I need something to fix me. But maybe I do. Maybe thats why I started using in the first place.

I don't know, I feel lost and broken and I am sorry if this brought anyone down. Thanks for listening.

Hey there,

Never be sorry for expressing the way you feel! We are all in this forum because we understand how you feel :) and we feel for you. Don't cover over how you're feeling to make us feel better. Don't we do that enough in everyday life??

I hope that you find some treatment that will alleviate your suffering. It's somewhat an addict trait to think you need something "out there" to make you feel better, but the truth is that the medications they use for depression, for the most part, have no addictive qualities whatsoever. They correct imbalances.

Hugs, too.

Thank you amiegrace.

I have just been thinking a lot about my patterns of behavior, and how I am in relationships. I tend to find dysfunctional ones. And then I have been obsessing over this and over my past.

Just more obsessing. A friends suggested I try obsessing over myself. To see what it is I want and love.

Wow I was reading throught this post and the more I the read the more I identified with every feeling. I know that I am ADHD. I have an A+ in ADHD. LoL.
So I was always thinking that my feelings where ADHD related. But I have been wondering lately if there might be a side order of Bipolar .

Hang in there, Zoie. The down spiral is rough. As for wanting something to relieve your suffering-- that's normal (at least for bipolar people). I'm not an addict or an alcoholic and I often long for something to relieve me of whatever torture I'm suffering. Who wouldn't?

And yes-- it's very common for addicts and alcoholics to have comorbid psychiatric diagnoses. If it weren't for underlying mental illnes, most wouldn't start using. There is lots of unmedicated mental illness and alcoholism running through my family, so I can attest to that!

If it gets really bad, maybe try going to a psych emergency room. They will be able to help you right away and once they see how much you're suffering they might be able to have you see someone before the 21st. I'd be out of my skull right now if I had to wait that long for an appointment!

Hi Zoie. So sorry to hear you are not doing well. I can't believe they are making you wait so long for an appointment with a doc. When you're down, a wait like that can seem like eternity. I've been really depressed for long periods of time and I don't know what I would have done had I been expected to wait to get help. Is it because of the kind of health insurance you have that you have to wait that long? I agree with adhdogwalker, going to the ER might get you in to see a doctor before the 21st.

Also, I can understand why you have reservations about taking medications considering your addiction. But like amiegrace said, depression meds are generally not addictive. I don't mean to sound preachy, but life is too short to spend most of it depressed or cycling between mania and depression. We are fortunate there are meds that work, even if it is hard to find the right combination for ourselves individually. With time, it is usually possible to find something that works. Your life is too precious to waste it on down spirals.

And do try not to withdraw. I am the queen of hiding away from friends and family when I am low and feeling like all I want to do is go home and hide under the covers. But it does make things so much worse. When I look back, all the times I have broken the downward spiral have been the result of making a connection with a dear friend or family member. Make a daily or weekly date to meet a friend or family member for some kind of outing, dinner, a movie, a walk. Make it so you have to go out of the house and connect with someone.

I am twice as touched by your post to me yesterday since now I know that you wrote to me amidst you're own difficulties! Thanks again. Hang in there Zoie!

Zoie,

If you were in the UK I would be tempted to say that it must be something in the air. There are a few people around here feeling it a struggle at the moment. Just hang in there, keep posting and sharing. Hopefully, we will all feel a bit more like our old selves soon. Take care.

Talk about your wild ride. I woke up yesterday so manic I was shaking. I had an all day class (which now I can hardly remember) I started to see this glow around my teacher and a few class mates.. their aura??? or maybe just me hallucinating... Not sure... It has happed before and I am into the "new age" spirituality stuff so I believe in odd phenomenon. Usually it happens when I have not slept well. I slept just fine the night before, and last night too.... Not really sure what it was at this point, or if it matters. It would come and go yesterday and finally stoped sometime in the afternoon.

I am glad I had superchan to call and talk to about my symptoms though. She has been a great help to me. Highly recommended an er visit. I tried calling that new place I am going to, to see if they had any sooner appts available, the lady I talked to said I would get a call back. That was Thursday afternoon :( I might just try and go see my primary doc on monday or do the walk in at his office so I can get a referral to get in to see a psych sooner.
Thing about er visits, is I am a single mom and I have issues with my kids dad. If I have it anywhere on record that this disease can cause me to be hospitalized, I risk losing her and that scares me. I don't think I am a threat to myself or anyone else at this time. No thoughts of harm or mass paranoia. So I am going to drink some chamomile tea and try to slow my speech down cause I am visiting with family today. And hit up the docs office tomorrow. I am glad I had my journal with me yesterday too, I was writing down my symptoms as I observed them through out the day (maybe thats why I don't remember class lol)

oh man, wild ride indeed...

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me, this cycling stuff has me for a loop. I really appreciate all your feedback and support, I don't know what I would do without this forum.

Zoie,

I doubt if we are dealing with the same thing but, as with a lot of people on here, I understand what you are saying.

I went through the thing of being afraid of losing my kids if I told someone what was really going on.

I'm not a threat to others either. It's just that I could hurt myself. But I know that hurting myself would hurt them too and I refuse to do it even though the impulses are there.

I get that hyper thing and the verbal diarrhoea. I work to avoid busy places when I feel like that. I'm lucky in that my sisters know me so well and I them, if I am going off on one, a look from one of them is usually warning enough to calm me down a bit.

I wrote in a journal too and found it very helpful. To do lists come in handy also.

And believe it or not, I too have an appointment on Monday (16th) to speak to someone new. It will be the first time since the early nineties that I have spoken to someone about this. I'll finish by wishing us both the best with our appointments. I hope all goes well.

If I may. If you are worried about what others might think of your ability to care for your child, your doctor is the one to see. Your doctor will be called if anyone brings that into question. It might be worth having a chat with your doctor about it, even just for the reassurance. I did this way back in my twenties when I was worried about my little boys. Thankfully my doctor understood that it was because of the boys that I was seeking help. It was them that kept me from going right over the edge.

Now don't worry if none of that made any sense. Your thoughts just brought me closer to some of my own thoughts about how things show themselves in me. I hope I didn't get too personal, I'm rambbling a bit today. Take care.

I am starting to wonder about my cycles. Assuming I am a rapid cycler (as suggested by my counselor) what is the time frame of cycles?

I thought I read somewhere that moods/behaviors/thoughts should last for at least a specific amount of time to be considered a cycle. I don't remember what the time frame was, but I think I have far surpassed that the past few weeks. Up down up down up down. I don't recall a time when I felt this way, changing so rapidly. I know that I never really paid that much attention to my moods or thought patterns before. I was never aware of what I was doing or thinking. Like I lived most of my life on auto pilot.

Now that I am aware, I wonder if I am projecting, or hyper focusing so much on every little thing that I do that I am causing my moods to do more than they normally would. (does that make sense???) Is is possible my symptoms or psychosomatic?? Am I looking so hard for a sign or symptom I am making mountains out of mole hills? or am I just noticing what was always there? Or now here due to higher amounts of stress??

Either way, does anyone know if there is a general time frame each cycle goes though? Hoping I can predict the next one so I don't get so tossed around by it.

Please forgive me if there are parts of this post that don't make sense-- I keep having moments of amnesia caused by Xanax. (I hate it, but I am so agitated by neverending mania that this state is preferable to the alternative).

- Pre-occupation with disease, mental or otherwise can be a feature of bipolar. I have been absolutely convinced that I had cancer twice and last summer I was convinced that I was autistic but no one knew. If you met me, you would laugh hysterically at these two episodes (I often do).

-Auras sound like a visual field disturbance. I had a case of "transient alternating blindness" (too complicated to explain now), which was a psychotic episode that lasted 5 days. I was so convinced that my left eye was dead and there was a hole in my face where it had been that I went to the emergency room twice and an opthamologist. This was the precursor to the mania that's been going since late March. I was sleeping fine throughout it, but as soon as it ended the mania began.

-Definitely go to the ER. Medical records are confidential, so you can make up some mundane reason that you went and no one will ever that it was a psychiatric emergency.

-I'm not sure if this will help with your fear of losing your children, but I know the feeling. I am scared of losing my dogwalking business because of my insanity. I am self-employed and am scared that if my clients knew just how mentally ill I truly am. I fear that if they found out, they wouldn't trust me to walk their dogs anymore. Even during my psychotic episode I was 100% reliable about walking the dogs. What I'm trying to say is that even when people are psychotic or being ravished by a mood, there are always certain areas of life in which they are quite lucid.

- I am not insinuating that you would do or need this, but a visit to the ER is a lot less damaging than a 72-hr hold.

Hang in there, Zoie. This disease makes even the simple effort of existing extraordinarily stressful and taxing.

Carol

Thank you everyone. I think I would go crazy obsessive/paronid with out this site (perhaps now I am just obsessing over this site, lol)

I saw my doctor today. The same doctor I have had since I was a little kid. So he knows me, knows my history and what I have been through. Addiction and everything else. It felt good to get a confirmation, a second opinion on the diagnois from someone who has seen my behaviors over a long period of time.

Even though most of the time I was damn certain I have BP, there was always that part of me that doubted it. At any rate we talked and thank goodness I had my journal and mood chart that I have been keeping for the past month.

He is starting me on lamicital. Giving me only two weeks worth to see how I handle the meds (the first time I tired medication I took lamictal and abilify and I got really sick) So sticking with just that. Also he gave me ativan for anxiety only if needed. Still a little nervous about that one (due to my addiction history) but he only gave me a small amount with no refills. I am pretty sure I will call up someone in my support before I take one of those just in case I can be talked out of my anxiety or just plain don't need one. (THANK YOU SUPERCHAN!!!!!)

We also talked a little bit about ADD. I have been reading the thread "You know you have ADD when...." and I notice that I do some (ok, a good portion) of the things people wrote on there. Asking myself as I am reading it "Wait... not everyone does that???" lol

My doc wants to treat the BP first. See how I handle the lamictal before adding any other medications. And who knows, maybe the lamictal will calm those symptoms down.

Rambling now, this post turned out longer than I intended. Thank you again to everyone here.