View Full Version : Don't want to hurt him!

04-27-08, 04:36 AM
This is a desperate girl seeking advice urgently! I am ADD as well as high functioning autistic. With my autism, I sometimes miss the subtle hints that people throw around in their daily lives. As you can imagine, this can make things fairly complicated.

There is a boy in my social class, for arguments sake lets call him "Sean". He is a genuinely nice guy, and I met him through a friend of mine (also in my social class). I thought things were great, and I would concider him a closer friend (close, but not inner cirlce close). After the guitar trip we were both going to be on got cancelled (blizzard, in the middle of april, who saw that one coming?) we were both left with a week with no plans. While we were sitting and chatting, he suddenly says "You should let me take you to a movie on friday night". I, thinking this is a couple of friends catchin a flick together event, nievely agree. Turns out, as my non autistic friends tell me, that this was NOT what he was thinking, and that this movie thing means a lot more to him then it does for me.

Now lets get something straight, he is a nice guy, but I DO NOT WANT TO DATE HIM. I don't really know why, but I am just not getting that "date me" vibe from him, and besides, I kinda am interested in someone else. My issue is that I, lacking in a gentle, subtle nature, don't know how to let him down gently so as I can still be just friends with him.

Can I even be just friends? I don't know, this is hard!

Now I appeal to you, people of the world, with your combined wisdom, hear my plea! I need some serious advice about how to handle this delicate situation before it is too late!

A Desperate Dilemna

(P.S. I should really point out that he is a very sensetive person, and I don't want to hurt him because I fear that if I crush this poor boys heart, he may feel inclined to go jump off a bridge or something, and I am only half joking.)

04-27-08, 09:55 AM
I feel your plight. Situations like these are difficult. First, maybe you need to clarify with him what his intentions were/are. Just a simple question. Guys need simple. Or, maybe he doesn't really know, he was just feeling out how he felt at that time, if he wanted to pursue something with you or not. Whatever he says, you can throw out a simple comment about appreciating his friendship, and hope that you can be friends for a long time, cuz friends can never break up. Or, to totally bypass the uncomfortable first clarifying question, you can totally go straight to the simple "appreciating his friendship" answer statement whenever you feel appropriate to do so. That may save face for both of you by putting assumptions on him that are not even there, and he should "get it" without being offended. Why would he not want to keep a fantastic you as a friend? I've used that one before, and ended up with two long-term friends out of guys who were interested in me, but not me in them romantically.

Then, maybe you can go do something as friends.

06-18-08, 03:22 AM
You might as well tell him straight up. There's nothing to gain but stress and heartbreak from living a lie. If he can't handle it, then that really is his own problem. If he doesn't want to be your friend afterwards, he's got his own problems. Burn the bridge and move on!

06-18-08, 03:18 PM
What ever you do stay true to yourself. If it doesn't feel right then don't do it or say it.

Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself.

I have a few guy friends that I go see movies with or do other things together, heck I even go grocery shopping with one occasionally. And we stay friends. I value who they are and their company.

In my opinion, if you are honest with him and do not sugar coat anything he will understand and respect you.

02-16-09, 12:39 AM
Thanks for all of your advise! It was really helpful, and yes, I did tell him. It was a soft yet firm response, and now we are still great friends!! Now the next issue, the fact that the person I like is his brother.....

02-16-09, 10:50 AM
Didi, do you think by now "Sean" has found someone else to be interested in?

If you and Sean really are friends, he might think it would be great if you and his brother dated.

Here are the factors you need to consider:

1. Do Sean and his brother get along, or are they more in competition with each other? If so, Sean might get jealous of his brother spending time with you that he thinks of as "his" time with you.

2. Has Sean moved on? Has he had a girlfriend in the past year? Does he have one now? If he's still interested in you, he will have a hard time with this.

3. Can you tell if Sean's brother likes you back? If he doesn't talk to you, joke with you, compliment you, he probably doesn't think of you as a potential girlfriend.

4. If you start dating Sean's brother, it's his responsibility to work things out between himself and Sean.

Good luck.

04-20-09, 09:37 PM
Hey, I don't have autism and I probably would have misread your friend's intentions. So don't be too hard assuming your autism is to blame.

You owe it to him, as a friend, to apologize for misunderstanding him. Being gentle means that you don't tell him about the guy you actually like, and focus the conversation on you and him. Tell him that while you enjoy his friendship, being in an intimate relationship is not what you had in mind. Or something along those lines.

The fact he's a sensitive person shouldn't deter you from being honest. If you think he might harm himself based on what you said, than you have to involve another adult so that someone can protect him should something bad happen.

Now can you keep his friendship? Maybe not for the moment. He's probably gonna feel a little embrassed, not to mention hurt. But you have to give him that space. Maybe he will come to valuable the friendship, but maybe this 'rejection' might be more than he can deal with. Again, that's his right too.