View Full Version : Bad Spell - Record


Bluerose
05-08-08, 02:01 PM
Itís no good I canít shake it. I saw my doctor today and she has arrange for me to talk to someone in the psych field. I havenít talked to anyone in this field since the early 90s. She asked me if I wanted to talk to someone today or wait till she had sent off the form request. I told her I would wait. She said it should take about five days. It scares me when she does this because Iím afraid that I might be missing something, failing to see that there really is a problem and not just a low point. She asked me how I felt about having some medication and then she asked how I was feeling in myselfÖ again. I think she was trying to decide if it would be safe to give me meds. I told her I wouldnít do anything because I have my grandson to look after, but it doesnít stop the thoughts.

Iím going to keep this thread going as a kind of record of the next couple of weeks as a way of checking on my progress.

Please feel free to comment. I enjoy the feedback.

newfdog
05-08-08, 02:14 PM
Hugs Rose

Hope ya get this problem whipped. Hang in there, we rooting for ya

Bluerose
05-08-08, 02:33 PM
Oh dear I got tears in me eyes. Thank you.

Mary
05-08-08, 02:47 PM
Big hugs Rose.. I'm sorry you're having such a rough patch. If you need me to listen.. you can pm me any time.

cashmere
05-08-08, 02:52 PM
Itís no good I canít shake it. I saw my doctor today and she has arrange for me to talk to someone in the psych field. I havenít talked to anyone in this field since the early 90s. She asked me if I wanted to talk to someone today or wait till she had sent off the form request. I told her I would wait. She said it should take about five days. It scares me when she does this because Iím afraid that I might be missing something, failing to see that there really is a problem and not just a low point. She asked me how I felt about having some medication and then she asked how I was feeling in myselfÖ again. I think she was trying to decide if it would be safe to give me meds. I told her I wouldnít do anything because I have my grandson to look after, but it doesnít stop the thoughts.

Iím going to keep this thread going as a kind of record of the next couple of weeks as a way of checking on my progress.

Please feel free to comment. I enjoy the feedback.


It sounds like a good idea Bluerose,I/others will be able to follow your progress which is whats going to happen you being such a strong character.

What about with each post,say something nice about yourself,I could start you off.

Today Bluerose replied not just to my threads but to lots of others,she looks after her grandson her kindness is never ending.

Because i very seldom smile,want to make myself smile for you.

Sandy4957
05-08-08, 05:34 PM
Bluerose,

This is just my theory and could be horsepucky... but I suspect that the very FACT that you sought assistance says that you weren't TOO far gone, you know what I mean? It seems to me that when people get too far gone, they completely isolate and don't seek help from anyone.

Hang in there, babe. We'll be checkin' on ya.

Sandy

P.S. Hey Blue, this is just a thought, but have you considered giving someone here an address or phone number of someone who could go physically check on you if you disappeared from the forum all of a sudden?

Bluerose
05-09-08, 04:09 AM
Thanks everyone. That was so sweet I had to go get some loo roll to wipe my eyes.


Mary, the 'Big hugs' are very much appreciated. PM won't be necessary, you have enough to deal with yourself. But thanks for the offer.


cashmere, thank you for those kind words and for allowing me to share some of my stuff on your thread.


Sandy, not horsepucky at all. I appreciate your words and I think you are right about it not being too bad.


I will give details of this forum to my daughter, Katie. She is my main family support system and she knows how much I enjoy these forums. I will give her instructions to post for me if I 'crash'. I owe you people that much at least. Thank you so much for this support.

One of my things has always been to 'just tell someone'. I don't really want them to do anything, it's just this thing about getting 'it' on the outside of me. Once I do that it's like loosening the lid on the pressure cooker. I do feel better for it even if I am still dealing with stuff.

PS. Do me a favour, don't use the 'thank you' button on my posts in this thread. Use it for each other but not for me. I want your support not your sympathy vote. Do me another favour, don't take that the wrong way.

Rose.

Sandy4957
05-09-08, 04:32 AM
Bluerose,

Your "Do me another favor, don't take that the wrong way" made me laugh out loud.

Ok, Blue, so your daughter will notice, too, if you suddenly stop posting, or if your posts become cause for concern (i.e., indicate that you are really, really slipping or what have you) right? Is your daughter within striking distance? I can't recall how close she is to you, as in, how long it would take her to get to where you live? I think that it's important to always have SOMEONE nearby who knows to check up on you if you're really slipping. My brother lives in my same city, for example, and he could be trusted to hunt me down if I suddenly appeared to be losing it. (And I choose people like a brother over, say, a spouse, just in case things with a spouse have gone downhill in the process, you know?)

Well, Blue, I sure hope things improve soon for you. And yes, I'm very glad that you feel like the pressure valve has opened. When is your appointment, btw?

Big hugs. Hang in there.

Sandy

Bluerose
05-09-08, 04:52 AM
Update: I called the doctor's surgery yesterday morning for the first time since January. I asked if it would be possible to come in and have a chat with the nurse. The receptionist told me that the nurse was out this morning but she could have the doctor call me in an hour.

It seems they have a new thing called 'same day appointment'. If you call before 10am the doctor will call you back, ask you a few questions, and tell you if you should come to the surgery. The doctor called me at 10.30am, I was sitting in her office by 11.30am.

She told me that she was pleased that I made it in to see her. She asked me if I would be willing to try some new meds, remarking on the fact that it had been awhile since she had had a chance to speak to me about it. I told her I didn't mind. She said she would like to have me reassessed first and would I be willing to talk to a psychiatrist. I agreed. Then she asked me if I felt the need to talk to someone today but I told her no, just getting in to see her helped. So she filled in some forms and told me it might take about five days. She asked me a few more questions about my feelings just nowÖ did I want to hurt myself.... Yes but I won't. I told her I get angry with myself for having these thoughts. Then she asked if I thought I would harm someone else.... Definitely not. I was in her office over half an hour. I left with a script for Prozac and diazepam.

And in my head, the stupid stuff - I won't take the Prozac, I don't like capsules. I don't mind the diazepam but I keep it for those times when I'm feeling a bit freaked out, it calms me down quickly and mellows me out, and I can get a decent three hours sleep with one of them. I have a drawer full of meds I didn't take. I got some sleep last night but woke up about 4am and went on comp, it works to distract me, keeps my mind occupied and stops me from thinking too much.

Bluerose
05-09-08, 05:14 AM
Sandy,

This is so thoughtful of you. I have to admit I never even thought of this. My daughter and I are very close, and she lives one street away and I have her number on quick dial. And my grandson is here, thankfully not a little kid, he'll be 15 at the end of this month. He is going on a school trip soon to Italy for a week. I guess I'm a little worried about that but it's an amazing opportunity for him.

How long till the appointment? I don't know yet. The doctor said the psychís appointment would take about five days to come through, and then to come see her after that in about a weeks time.

Sandy4957
05-09-08, 05:22 AM
Well, hang in there, then, chicka. The advantage to having been there before is that you know that it can feel really bad, yet still get better. The disadvantage is that you know what it's like to feel really bad and dread feeling that way again. A few things that may help: yoga (that looks like a yoga pose in your profile, am I right?); walking; warm tea, maybe with milk; a shower; a massage (even if you're paying the masseur or masseuse, it's still soothing); a glass of wine if that's not an issue; a friend and a movie on DVD or video, particularly a funny movie; furbabies (got my kitten in my lap as we type); watching kids at a playground. I'll keep thinking but those are a few starters.

Sandy

Bluerose
05-09-08, 05:41 AM
Sandy,

"The advantage to having been there before is that you know that it can feel really bad, yet still get better. The disadvantage is that you know what it's like to feel really bad and dread feeling that way again."

This is very true.

I do a combination of relaxation and meditation, and it is helpful. A soak in a nice bubble bath is also on my list of things to do when I'm feeling crumby. The wine isn't an issue, and it just so happens it's a Friday night treat so I don't have to wait long for that. I seriously wish I could afford a massage, it would be wonderful. But alas I'll just have to make do with a £5 bottle of wine instead. How about grandson and movie? Might mean I have to sit through The Complete Collection of Police Academy..... again! What the hell. So long as the boy is happy.

I'm getting there. Thanks.

Sandy4957
05-09-08, 07:04 AM
Frankly, I think a massage from a good friend who makes the effort is better than a professional anyway. Maybe one of your girlfriends would be willing to join you and the grandson for the movie, eh? Have you ever checked out any of the Father Ted series, or My Hero? Funny, funny stuff. The Father Ted series is just a killer!

Hang in there. I've had some ups and downs of late over work and even when I've felt really down, I've bounced back pretty quickly. So hold on, Bluerose!

Sandy

Lunacie
05-09-08, 10:16 AM
I am sending positive and healing energies for you Blue (I'm a Reiki one practicioner).

The thing about the drawer full of pills has me concerned though. Even if you haven't thought about taking them all when you're feeling really low, there is a huge market for them on the streets (at least there is here in the states) and that might be an awful temptation to a 15 year old kid. Please-please-please check into the proper way of disposing of them. The nurse should be able to tell you where to take the unused meds.

Oh, sending a soft, warm hug your way as well, and some sleep-well energies. So easy to get depressed and anxious when you're not getting enough rest.

cashmere
05-09-08, 11:31 AM
Bluerose every team needs its captain this one needs you.

Team line up,Strike, ADDruss,Newfdog,midfield generals Lunacie,team captain Bluerose,defence Sandy4957,Cashmere Mary,goalkeeper Tracie subs the rest of the crowd because silly me can't remember names.

The dressing room is silent as team doctor carrys out fitness test on Bluerose.The team doctor issues the verdict.

Bluerose must drink her bottle of wine,get a good nights sleep,while the rest of the team pray that the dark thickening clouds passbye quickly.

Keep your chin up Bluerose here comes Legs Eleven on the attack.Carefull Cashmere you dont trip up on your pint.Lols.Take care heres another smile.

Bluerose
05-09-08, 03:28 PM
I am sending positive and healing energies for you Blue (I'm a Reiki one practicioner).

The thing about the drawer full of pills has me concerned though. Even if you haven't thought about taking them all when you're feeling really low, there is a huge market for them on the streets (at least there is here in the states) and that might be an awful temptation to a 15 year old kid. Please-please-please check into the proper way of disposing of them. The nurse should be able to tell you where to take the unused meds.

Oh, sending a soft, warm hug your way as well, and some sleep-well energies. So easy to get depressed and anxious when you're not getting enough rest.

Lunacie,

I understand your concern about the pills. They are in my bedside table and no one is allowed in there. I doubt my grandson even knows they are there let alone know what to do with them if he did. He's a young 15 year old, not what you would call street-wise. Part of 'my thing' is just knowing they are there in case I should need them. I will have a clear out soon, especially if the doctor does recommend that I try something different after I have spoken to the psych.

I consider myself a very intuitive person, empathic maybe. So your words and thoughts of healing do not fall on deaf ears. Thank you for sharing your energy with me at this time.

Lunacie
05-09-08, 03:37 PM
Bluerose every team needs its captain this one needs you.

Team line up,Strike, ADDruss,Newfdog,midfield generals Lunacie,team captain Bluerose,defence Sandy4957,Cashmere Mary,goalkeeper Tracie subs the rest of the crowd because silly me can't remember names.

The dressing room is silent as team doctor carrys out fitness test on Bluerose.The team doctor issues the verdict.

Bluerose must drink her bottle of wine,get a good nights sleep,while the rest of the team pray that the dark thickening clouds passbye quickly.

Keep your chin up Bluerose here comes Legs Eleven on the attack.Carefull Cashmere you dont trip up on your pint.Lols.Take care heres another smile.

Thanks for putting me in the game, Coach. :)



Lunacie,

I understand your concern about the pills. They are in my bedside table and no one is allowed in there. I doubt my grandson even knows they are there let alone know what to do with them if he did. He's a young 15 year old, not what you would call street-wise. Part of 'my thing' is just knowing they are there in case I should need them. I will have a clear out soon, especially if the doctor does recommend that I try something different after I have spoken to the psych.

I consider myself a very intuitive person, empathic maybe. So your words and thoughts of healing do not fall on deaf ears. Thank you for sharing your energy with me at this time.

As an empath then you probably know your grandson well enough to know whether that's a danger. One of the big dangers though is if you do start on a new medication there could be an interaction with those old meds if you remember they're in the drawer and decide to take one. Other things can change too.

I'm still not sure why, but I took a pain pill the other day for my migraine when it Just Would Not Leave and my blood pressure skyrocketed. That may have been in part because I had picked up a virus, but it was pretty scary at the time. Fortunately taking another pill for the hypertension brought it back down almost as quickly. But my daughter was definately ready to haul me to the hospital emergency room. I'm just leery of medications in general so maybe my paranoia is showing. Take care.

Bluerose
05-09-08, 03:50 PM
Update: I changed my mind about the wine. I have another young grandson here tonight, Katie’s son. We put two movies each into a box with a lid then shook the box up and let the younger grandson stick his hand in and pick out a movie for us to watch. The Dukes Of Hazzard! I think he cheated, I’m sure we watched that last Friday. The boys are in the other room now playing.

I got a call this afternoon offering me an appointment with the psych on Monday the 16th. No doubt I’ll get there far too early and end up walking around the block about ten time until my appointment time. A little board humour there that I’m sure many of you will recognise. And if I’m true to form, I won’t sleep the night before for worrying about it. And when I get there I won’t be able to speak only nod my head. God! I have to rewrite this script!

Bluerose
05-09-08, 04:16 PM
Lunacie,

I'm rather 'leery' of meds too. Don't laugh but I do forget what they are for sometimes so I go on the net and look it up before I decide to take anything. My extra awareness and wariness of pills come from the fact that that was how my dad committed suicide. He would alter his prescriptions, back when the doctor used to write them out, my dad would change the number of pills he had been prescribed, making it more, and then send me or my sister to different chemists in the area so as not to arouse suspicion. Of course we never knew any of this at the time, it all came out in the inquest.

Is it alright to be writing about this stuff? I don't want to trigger anyone.

Lunacie
05-09-08, 04:38 PM
Gosh, that must have been difficult for you. Any kid is going to feel somewhat responsible when a parent commits suicide, and having him involve you in getting the meds he used for that would have made those feelings many times worse. I hope you have been able to work through those feeling and let go of the "survivor guilt."

As far as checking the internet before taking a med... I did check the internet for any possible interactions with the pain med I took the other day, and learned that it doesn't have any reported interactions. So I still don't know whether my allergies had kicked up a notch and made me more sensitive - or whether the reaction I experienced had more to do with the virus I had picked up. My daughter got the same virus and had some of the same symptoms a day or two later, but without the skyrocketing blood pressure.

Bluerose
05-11-08, 06:34 PM
Having dealt with this on and off for a long time, I recognise the signs when I'm on the way down. And it's the signs that pee me off, because I feel as if I should be doing something about it but I can't. It's so frustrating. It feels like I'm standing watching a piano come down on my head in slow motion and I can't move out of the way.

It's also very contradictory. On one hand I know what is happening and on the other I keep telling myself that I'm fine. I point out things to myself I'm doing that are 'normal', things I should be doing and taking care of. Then I feel a little wave of panic and a voice in my head that laughs and tells me that I'm kidding myself on that I'm doing okay.

I know I'm fine - there I go again - I mean no one is in any harm because of me, I would rather die.

~boots~
05-11-08, 07:39 PM
hugs BR..I hope the doc's visit helps
xx

Mary
05-11-08, 08:27 PM
Hugs Rose... I'm always here if you need me. Unless it's Sunday..., then I'm slaving at the inlaws.

Bluerose
05-12-08, 05:43 AM
Thanks for popping in. Sorry about the headaches, sweetie. Just left you a note elsewhere to let you know that things are a bit better today. I had a couple of nights decent sleep and feel a bit better. Quite a lot better actually. Hope it isn't one of those false thing where a couple of hours later you feel like crap again. :)

Sandy4957
05-12-08, 10:50 AM
Even if it is sort of a false up, Bluerose, bear in mind that it's possible to feel that way, so that if you crash again it doesn't feel like it's impossible, you know? Hang in there. I'm glad that you feel better today.

Bluerose
05-13-08, 10:27 AM
I'm still feeling not too bad. Having the appointment set up has settled the panic and made me feel better. I did some shopping today, the weather is pretty nice. So far so good. Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement.

newfdog
05-13-08, 01:48 PM
Glad to hear you are hangin in there!

Hugs

Bluerose
05-13-08, 08:06 PM
I had a little back peddle and some tears but it’s okay.

Lunacie
05-13-08, 08:14 PM
Glad to hear you didn't fall all the way down this time. Sounds like you're doing better. :)

Sandy4957
05-14-08, 06:53 AM
Hey Blue,

Came by to check on you. Tears are ok, Bluerose. The absence of tears (which I did for, oh, maybe 10 years or so until recently) is not really all that good.... I'll credit Addaway with that observation. It's ok to feel sad, everyone does, and it's not the end of the world because things get better. A shower, a walk, a nap, a nice chocolate dessert, a talk on the phone with a friend, a funny movie, a snuggly kid, or a snuggly kitten (or, in my case, a snuggly 1000 pound beasty) can make you feel much better. No tears ever means no real feelings, and that's not all that good.

Hang in there, Blue....

ADDAWAY
05-15-08, 01:03 AM
Bluerose:

You know we love ya' ... we know that you can do it ... continue to journal here ... random thoughts, wherever they scatter or splash ... I know that you'll be there for your grandson because it's your opportunity to save and serve that soul as you couldn't be, and weren't charged with being responsible in any way for your dad ... but that's the extent of the connection ...

Please don't let that drawer-full become an awful analogy ... pills get mixed up ... what's what ... shelf-lives come & go ... ADDers forget and become distracted ... friends come over ... inquiring little minds wanna know ... ADDers can be impulsive and over-the-top ... maybe too many or once too often ... ADDers can be insomniacs or sleep-walkers (and do all of them know they are?) ... an ADDer can forget to get a Rx before a vacation trip so grabs some from the drawer ... customs or the like find you have no Rx ... ADDers misplace things ... etc. etc. etc.

Did I mention the drawer? ;-) With love, ADDAWAY.

Bluerose
05-15-08, 11:26 AM
ADDAWAY,

Thank you for your kind words and for encouraging me to keep writing. I hesitate to write because I don't want to sound like I'm whining. I don't whine. And I'm no martyr. The only good martyrs are dead martyrs.

Let me just clear something up as I wouldn't want ADDers reading this and thinking this is how they should expect to feel. I don't have ADD. I suffer from a personality disorder and I also suspect Disositive Identity Disorder.

Don't worry about the drawer of meds. I plan to talk frankly to the doc on Monday and accept something new. Then the drawer of stuff will get handed into my own doctor.

Now I'm going to try for a very open and honest update.

I'll be back.

Bluerose
05-15-08, 02:11 PM
This is the short version otherwise I'm apt to ramble on too much.

There is mental activity similar to psychic activity that I have been working to ignore. For the most part I manage this quite well but sometimes it's like it pushes to be recognised, and this causes some anxiety and sleepless nights.

I spend too much time wondering how much of this comes down to the 'psychic' activity and how much of it comes down to the personality disorder - or is it all down to the personality disorder.

When I was diagnosed I stopped trying to work out what was going on and just put it all down to having a personality disorder.

I opened a new box in the back of my mind and began to place all those strange and wonderful thoughts and ideas inside and I labelled it Schizoid Personality Disorder.

Occasionally it becomes difficult to keep the lid on the box and the result is more mental activity and anxiety, like I'm experiencing now.

I am going to speak to someone on Monday for the first time since the early nineties. It's time for a reassessment. Maybe a new medication is available.

I don't know how clear that is so feel free to ask me about any aspect of it.

Bluerose
05-19-08, 03:27 PM
You are not going to believe what happened. I was up all night like I knew I would be. I saw my grandson out to school at 8am and then went for a bath. I got dressed confirmed with my sister that she would be able to give me a lift then settled down to wait till it was time for my appointment. Then I get a call at 9.30am to say that they would have to reschedule as the person I was to see was called away on some emergency. Thankfully, I don’t feel too bad. But in the past if this had happened, after such a build up waiting to attend an appointment, I would feel really sick to my stomach. They are going to call me to reschedule.

Lunacie
05-19-08, 04:12 PM
I absolutely believe that happened. It's happened to me quite a few times. The let-down is just unreal. Sounds like you're dealing with it pretty well though. I hope you don't have to wait very long to actually see the doctor.

ADDrus
05-19-08, 09:38 PM
Bluerose, that sucks!!!

I'm so sorry for you.

I had a very similar thing happen 2 weeks ago. I had a meeting set with our MC and I was so ready for it. I had some very important things that I wanted to address. Then I get a text message from my stbxW that she's blowing off the MC meeting. Doesn't even have a reason, just "appointment". I'm so down, but I'm still going to go. The day of, I call to confirm and find out the T is out of town on an emergency call, she won't be back for the week and after that she's on holiday for a full month!

So I'm on hold with the MC till early June :(

I know exactly how you feel and it sucks!

Mary
05-19-08, 10:11 PM
Hugs Rose... :)

~boots~
05-19-08, 11:08 PM
thanks for the update anyway :)
hugs
xx

Bluerose
05-20-08, 01:49 AM
Thanks, I'm doing okay. But I was a bit ****ed off this morning because I had sat on this appointment for just over a week and it was becoming a struggle waiting for it to come around. I know someone might have been in crisis, I have been there myself in the past and I don't begrudge them the help. Again I'm glad I feel better than I thought I would. It'll be okay and I expect them to get back to me soon.

Bluerose
05-22-08, 02:54 AM
I haven’t heard anything back yet. The last couple of days I have been busy with last minute shopping for the boy’s trip. Today I’ll pack his bag and then go get some snack stuff for a packed lunch for the coach. He goes tomorrow after school.

As for me, strangely enough I feel fine. I think just taking control of things by making the appointment lifted some of the pressure. I can hardly believe how bad I felt but I think I’m okay again. I’ll still go when the appointment comes though because just having the back up seems to help me a lot. Thanks again for your support and kind words. I’ll see the boy off tomorrow night and them come and check the board out.

Sandy4957
05-22-08, 11:42 AM
Good for you, Bluerose. You probably pulled yourself out of it, no thanks to the mental health system! But I'm glad that you feel better and, like you, I'd probably still go when the appointment comes.

cashmere
05-26-08, 07:09 PM
Bluerose sometimes we may need just that little bit of breathing space,so chilled with posting to you for a few days.Listen i really hope they don't mess up your next appointment i'am sure it will be fine.Wishing you the best oF health.CASHMERE.

Prusilusken
05-26-08, 07:48 PM
Wow, Bluerose I just read this thread for the first time.
I go through the same kinds of spells.
Most of what you wrote could have been me writing it, but there's a difference.
There is no whining whatsoever anywhere in this thread.
All I find is intense strength and goddesslike dignity.

I am in AWE of you!

You are not a martyr at all, you've got that right.

You're a bloody WARRIOR!

Bluerose
06-08-08, 10:28 AM
Update: You don't realise how far down you have gone until you're on the way back up. Well it's here again, that rescheduled appointment. I'm feeling okay, I think I just want some help putting things into perspective and maybe there is some new med that might help when things get difficult.

I've been giving it some thought and it's like this. The worst is over, what I'm dealing with is a small taste of what it used to be like, and what makes it surface is stress. I have worked to simplify my life but we can't prepare for every eventuality. I was married for twenty years and brought up three kids. I'm quite happy to just sit on my bum and keep things simple.

I hope that made some sense. Thanks again for the support.

Mary
06-08-08, 10:51 AM
It made perfect sense. Your job is done in your eyes.... and you just want to sit back and relax. But now with Grandson being there... it's like starting over again. Which could definitely raise stress levels.

At least..that is how I am perceiving it... just a thought!

Bluerose
06-08-08, 11:51 AM
You’re right. Everything seems okay again. I only say ‘seems’ because I don’t want to mess with fate. :p

I was stressing quite a bit and I think most of it was the build up to the boy's trip, last minute things that money had to be found for etc. My (ex) hubby helped out a lot, what a lovely man. He’s in Cuba with his girlfriend for two weeks. He was due to be at the airport at 4am last Monday. Ten o’clock Sunday night I get a phone call. He reminds me that he will be away for two weeks and asks me how things are. I told him we were fine and that I was feeling much better. How many exs’ do you know that would do that? :)

My appointment is in the morning. If everything goes okay I’ll be back with an update.

Mary
06-08-08, 11:54 AM
K, Rose.. best wishes for tomorrow morning. I hope things go well. :)

Bluerose
06-09-08, 02:33 PM
Okay, I'm going to need time to get my head around this. The person I saw today was very nice and after an hour long chat, and the occasional glance at my notes, she told me that she thought I was suffering from a 'schizoaffective disorder' - "The schizoaffective pattern tends to be episodic, with a good prognosis." I've been doing some reading. She is sending a med recommendation to my doctor, I have an appointment to see him on Wednesday, and another one to see her again in two weeks. I’m feeling a lot better for having got that far. I’m usually not good with meds, I’m the on again off again type. But I think I’ll give this new one a chance. I’m just so tired.

zoomman
06-09-08, 02:44 PM
Keep us all informed, please.

Mary
06-09-08, 04:04 PM
Keep us all informed, please.


Agrees with zoomman! :)

Bluerose
06-11-08, 04:49 PM
Quick update - I picked up a prescription this morning for Sertraline. I’ve never had it before but I Googled it and some of what I read was quite positive so I’m going to start it tonight at bedtime. It’s only one a day, and it takes about two weeks to kick-in. I’ll try to post about it’s effects. I just want to feel a little happier for a change, it’s been awhile.

Bluerose
08-29-08, 08:00 AM
Sorry I didn't get back here sooner, I've been looking after grandkids. Back to school next week. Think I'll sleep for days.

I posted already about the results of my second appointment with the psych. Next appointment near the end of October.

Long story short. Seems I have been under the delusion that I have a schizoid personality disorder when in fact I have a schizoaffective disorder, which is a mood disorder and not a personality disorder. I'm still taking the antidepressant that was prescribed and I feel fine.

I don’t really feel the need to see the psych but isn’t that always the way when things pick up.

I’m okay again and if I stay true to form, I’ll be okay until December January time. But it doesn’t bother me as much as it did because as it turns out it’s not as bad as I thought it was.

Thanks again for all the wonderful support in this thread.

Bluerose
03-09-09, 07:49 AM
March already?! Okay let me see if I can do an update. Appointments with pdoc have been roughly three months apart, my choice, my decision. Weekly or even monthly appointments kinda dominate your life. They are half hour appointments and we just talk about how things are going.

I have stopped taking the meds (they are not my meds). Here is my reason for doing so. The dissociation was under control, and may even have faded somewhat, but it began to surface again and I believe it was because of the pills. I sensed conflict and some hostility because we believe the pills interfere with communication and our intuitive abilities. I brought this up with her in February and she booked me in for an hour next month in order to discuss it some more.

I feel okay but I’m afraid that doesn’t seem to be much of an indication as to how I really am. I have said it so often, particularly for my kids sake that I think it’s become a habit. This alone scares me a little because I don’t seem able to gauge how I’m doing at the moment. Even seeing the pdoc causes a little anxiety around this because of being afraid that she’s not telling me everything, and that things might be worse than I think they are. Stupid I know.

I‘ll break now and come back here after I’ve seen her on the 14th of April.

I have been checking out this new site if anyone is interested in taking a look and giving me their opinion on it that would be quite helpful.

http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/

Bluerose
03-18-09, 09:20 AM
I have been keeping a daily report and writing about past events for pdoc. It took itís toll this week. I had some rubbish dreams and a few sleepless nights. I even kept the light on at one point. My daughter, Katie, came around and we got a little spring cleaning done and some shopping. The sun is shining and I feel a bit better. Appointment not till 14th April. Was quite tempted to ring for an earlier one but I think itíll be okay now. Gave the writing a rest for a few days.

No need to reply. Iím just working to get my head straight.

My grandson living with me will be 16 in May. I feel like Iím wishing his life away because I worry and feel more pressure and stress around the responsibility of taking care of young ones. I have been gradually handing the reins over to him, allowing him to do more and more for himself. My way of making sure he can take care of himself in case anything should happen to me. Heís been so amazing and so helpful.

The worry and the pressure is beginning to lift once more. I feel like I just have to hang on for another few weeks and then I can have that well deserved breakdown. I just donít have the time right now. :)

Bluerose
03-19-09, 12:55 PM
Dear DiaryÖ

Well thatís what this feels like. Feeling much better, sleeping better and getting out a bit more. My grandson is doing quite well all considering. I re-read pdocís stuff and boy, when I go down I go down. Itís difficult trying to keep it for her and not delete it like I have in the past. I will try to keep it as is this time. It really does help to get it all out there but I have silly thoughts and then trust issues creep in and I end up deleting everything.

Going to try to be good about this. I keep hearing this song in my head.

Funny Face

Funny face, I love you
Funny face, I need you
My whole world's wrapped up in you

When the road I walk seems all uphill
And the colors in my rainbow turn blue
You kiss the tears away
You smile at me and say
"Funny face (funny face) I love you"

Funny face, I love you
Funny face, I need you
These are the sweetest words I've ever heard
Funny face, don't leave me
Funny face, believe me
My whole world's wrapped up in you

And when I hurt your feelings as I sometimes do
And I say those mean things that we know are not true
You forgive my childish way
You hold me close and say
"Funny face (funny face) I love you"

Funny face, I love you
Funny face, I need you
These are the sweetest words I've ever heard
Funny face, don't leave me
Funny face, believe me
My whole world's wrapped up in you

Funny face, I love you
Funny face, I need you

FADE
These are the sweetest words I've ever heard
Funny face, don't leave me

Bluerose
03-20-09, 08:57 AM
Dear Diary….

Can’t believe how much better I feel. I thought I made it through this winter okay but now I’m not so sure. I don’t think you realise how down you have gone until you are on your way back up.

First day of spring today. It’s official. Where are my daffodils? My sister and I have been exchanging bunches of daffodils in spring for over twenty years. I so look forward to getting my daffodils. I better get shopping, it’s become a race to see who can get there first.

Dissociate thing has calmed down again. Rose is back in control and there are no objections. I use the affirmation ‘We are one’ and it helps. I have thought in the past that the parts had ’faded’ but in stressful situations I realise this is not so. But thankfully all seem to accept that we are coming together as ‘Rose’. It’s been a long hard journey and I am here to tell the tale.

I’m taking the kids to the seaside over Easter. Going to visit my brother in Felixstowe. The grandkids love it there. I usually have to wait till I come home again to have a holiday and a rest. Love em but they wear me out.

I hope you have a great weekend. Take care peoples.

Bluerose
03-21-09, 07:22 AM
Dear Diary....

Well that didn't last long. Been reading and thinking too much again. I was wondering about something. There are all these mood disorders and avoidant disorders. Does anyone ells wonder if something ells is going on here? What is the cause? Surely there is something else going on with the person who suffers these things. Take me for instance. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder, I'm on disability, it's called a schizoaffective disorder. Looking a little deeper I could also be considered to have an avoidant disorder. I do have mood swing, not as bad as they were when I was younger, and I do avoid other people but for a good reason.

No one asks about there perhaps being a reason for these things. They seem to come up with an answer for what is happening now but what about what caused or causes it. Could it be that I am dissociate and I avoid people because it’s easier than trying to explain why I like something one minute and hate it the next, or why I want to go home and change my clothes right this minute.

Could the mood swings be due to fragmentation of the personality?

I was just wondering. I read something a few years back that provided a shovel and I have been digging ever since.

But I only recently got up enough courage to ask pdoc about it. She booked me in for a whole hour next visit to talk about it. I’ve only been seeing her on a two or three months bases so I’ve only seen her about four or five times since I was first referred last year. At least she didn’t simply shoot me down. She said that she would like to go over all my notes again and see if there is any sign of DID and then gave me an hours appointment for 14th April.

I hope I say strong enough to deal with a discussion on this and not revert to a wimpy me who denies she ever brought it up.

Bluerose
02-17-11, 02:55 AM
Note: Take note of the date this thread was first posted.


Now for an update ~

Short version. In 2009, psych doc arranged for me to see a psychologist. Eventually saw him late 2009. Then Dec 2009 received a copy of the letter the psychologist sent to my psych-doc with his diagnoses and recommendations. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). Now donít that make me sound interesting? :)

Truth is, if thatís what I have been struggling with all these years, itís over - well almost over. It seems the struggle was in fact the healing process. But of course I didnít know that or I wouldnít have given myself such a hard time.

It seems DID comes about when the child is very young and unable to compute what is going on around them. While young and while this so called 'creative illness' is needed and working for the child there is no actual sign of it, it works in the background, so to speak.

Itís only when the child gets older and the 'danger' has passed that the disorder surfaces, in my case in my early twenties. But once it surfaces and is recognised and acknowledged, the healing process beings.

It was a long hard road. And, unfortunately, I didnít realise back then what it was never mind that it was actually the beginning of the healing process - 'they' had to surface in order to be acknowledged and integrated. But I didnít know what was going on - I had a war on my hands and I didnít have the words to explain to anyone what was going on.

Anyway, long story short. Iím really fine now. I still deal with depression and perhaps Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to lost time and flashbacks but I finally feel like I have a handle on this.

I just wish it hadnít taken so long to figure it out. :(


:)

Bluerose
03-14-11, 11:25 AM
Update: I have continued to feel pretty good. I got through the winter. I got my daffodils the other day from my sister. I’m back on track. When I started this thread my grandson was 15. He’ll be 18 in May! I don’t know where the time has gone. He’s been working in a cafť for two years now and seems to be doing pretty well. No recent contact with his mum or dad but seems to be okay with that.

And I have been made a moderator!! I’m enjoying it. So far so good. Don’t think I’ve peed anyone off yet. I also have a new grandbaby born December. My daughter Katie lost her baby, Jessica Rose, and has waited a long time for this little bundle of joy, Aimee Elisabeth, she’s amazing I posted a video of her trying to talk. I’m sure some of you have seen it. Life is much, much brighter today, let’s hope it lasts.

Bluerose
07-02-11, 10:10 AM
Update: Everything is still going well. I quit Psych-doc but three months later she sent me an appointment and I went along at the beginning of June. Had a chat, she suggested me joining a group but I declined and want to leave things as they are. So no meds and no psych-doc.

New grandbaby is now 7 months old with a new brother or sister on the way in January.

Iím still working to avoid pressure and stress and seem to be doing well. DID not much of a problem theses days. The depression comes and goes, and I think this is something I just have to accept.

I just wanted to post this here for closure.

And to thank everyone who posted some amazingly encouraging words.

Stay strong and stay above the battles. :thankyou: