In my family, my brother has always been the more successful one. He's 2 years older and my parents have always been head over heels about em since we were kids, leaving me as the ghost in the background. Me, my friends, my brothers friends, and even my brother have told my parents that they dont even notice me, and yet they still deny it. My brothers friends even labelled him as "Golden Boy". Ive tried years after years to try and get them to have some sort of interest in me with no luck. 4 years ago we got into a big fight about thjis and i moved out for 2 years. When i was on my own it seemed like they had a minimal amount of interest in me, which was suprising compared to the usual None. 2 years after that i moved back in when my brother was gone to france. For a few months it was just me and my parents here, they seemed nice and seemed somewhat interested in me and whats going on in my life, it was nice. Then my brother came back from his trip to france and yes, everything went back to normal. I became the other child again, the one they never do anything with and the one they never notice is around. About 6 months ago my brother bought a house. At that time i was down, cause of course theyre gonna look up to em even more cause of it, but at the same time excited that maybe if my brother isnt here ill get some attention, well i was wrong. My mom emails him like 4 times a day from work, plus calls him all the time. My dad isnt any better, 3 years ago he told me he likes golf, and we would go sometime, we still havent went yet, but he goes fishing with my brother every 3-4 weeks. My brother gets called over all the time, and ivited to all of their social activities, like today, my parents are gone to a BBQ, its just my parents, my uncle, and my brother, my brothers girlfriend couldnt go cause she has plans tonite, yet i have no plans tonite and havent been invited obviously. Its sad to think that its not just my parents that have a problem with me, but also all my uncles and aunts and basically everyone related to me. The only 2 people in my family that i dont feel like an outcast to is my cousin, and yeah, my brother. I hang out with my cousin every week or so, and, my brother comes over all the time, he never comes to see me anymore, he follows my parents around now. Im 23, ive got part of my driving license, now all i need is someone with 4 years experience to take me out driving cause i cant by myself. My parents said they would, but its been years upon years and they never want to, so i went and asked my brother, who also said he would, but i know deep down he wont.

The thing is, i cant be mad at my brother for getting all the attention, sure, hes more likable then me and more successful, does that mean i should be outcasted by the rest of my family, i believe not

So a few questions:
1. Why am i the outcast to my entire family tree?

2. Ive been wanting to move out of town for a while now, would it be a bad idea to cut ties to everyone but my cousin and brother? Everyone else just sees me as a piece of ****, the more i get seen as a piece of **** the more i start to believe it myself



Sorry about the overly loooong paragraph, when i get into it i forget theres an "Enter Button"

hey,
Sorry to hear about your situation and your feelings of alienation and rejection at the hands of your family. I could connect with the sadness and disappointment you must be experiencing.

Before I would make a huge decision to move far away or cut ties, I would seek out a good therapist or counselor. Have you been discussing this issue with someone? Have you ever been to a good counselor? One you connect with? .... Without the help of several really good counselors at various points in my life, I really don't know how I could have survived. And there is no way I could have figured out a way to connect with my family.

Sounds like you've got a lot of stuff to sort out in your family. It's often impossible for people (including me) to sort out family messes without the help of a professionally trained outsider.

Just my two cents. Good luck.

I've been to a councellor before, i just couldnt really get into anything no matter how hard i tried, partially cause its hard for me to divulge things with such a stranger, but at the same time couldnt remember all the details.

Oh, and i have been discussing my situation with people, oh a whole lot of people. Basically everyone of my friends have heard my endless ramblings about my screwed up family.


Im not too keen about going to find another councellor. Its not that the one i went to wasnt good, i could tell he knew his stuff, its just it doesnt feel right for me

My brother is two years older too. He's a GP now and I'm nothing. He was good at piano I got stuck at basic chords. He's going around the planet getting everything arranged for him rightnow and I have start from scratch, again...

Yes, move somewhere else I'd say. You'll find there's lots of people who really like to assist a person your age trying to find his own way all alone.
I think your older brother(just like with me) has unconsciously been keeping you from even finding out who you really are. With us there were some other distubing things going on but I really think the biggest "problem" is just having only two kids of same gender in same family. You just never had anybody to fall back upon... Maybe "to help" or "to outshine" are better words.

You are only 24 and families, especially small ones, can be very sufficating.(your "successfull bro" probably feels likewise)
And even though you probably dont even feel any kind of need to outbeat him, the only way you will ever be able to tell your parents about their weaknesses(they dont see either) is by doing your own thing and being proud of yourself.
Judging by my own situation I think you probably have higher chances of achieving this cause you have been through more mental sludge..;)

Yes, I'd say you should just move away. Maybe just for some pathatic simple job to start up with. Maybe you can find your own direction there...???

ps Don't use this to try to "beat" your brother! But if you have anything(this might be small but it should be very controversial and mentally challenging) you've always dreamt of and you might even earn some money with it... Do it!!!;)

Moving is not going to solve your problems, luvie. Its an emotional issue and won't go away with distance. I don't know why some parents treat thier children differently, the only conclusion have is that they're human and have thier own flaws. Maybe they don't understand you and can't relate to you easily. If you think they are unhealthy people to be around, you should restrict your time with them. If you think there are other issues, like perhaps they don't know you that well? then maybe you should make an effort to get to know where they're coming from.

I know what you mean about counselling. Sit in a dead quiet room and reveal all to a complete stranger, layered with defense mechanisms put there for a reason? I don't think so, silly counsellor!

Good Lord! I have felt like "the other child" all my life. My younger brother is the one that makes my parents proud. Even to this day he owms two house, a boat, has non adhd kids and makes about $250,000 a year. Me, special ed teacher now stay at home mom. As a child all money, time and resources all went his way. Then they would be upset because I never showed self esteem. Like, why would I ever have self esteem? I would have to feel successful about something first.

My brother is 19. 2 years older than me.

He left highschool with great grades. Found a good job for a while and made a lot of money. Then went to university and he is now studying physics and media.

What am I doing?

.....Im sitting here with my head in front of a PC screen trying to figure out why i'm not getting up and going somewhere with my life....

So don't worry my friend. Your not alone ;)

Don't worry. You're still young so you have time to figure things out.

Don't worry. You're still young.

Its not living at home that I feel bad about.... its the fact that I feel like while everybody else takes a step forward, I stand still.

That includes.... looking for jobs..... finding hobbies.... getting (interested/started) in (something/anything)

Its a struggle. But im still trying to reframe and look at positive notes. :)

"My brother is 19. 2 years older than me."

I'm in a similar situation, my brother is 16 years older than me. By the time I was old enough to be self aware he had already left home and gone off to University. It's an odd position to be in, making me both the last child and an only child at the same time. Usually the eldest child takes on the leadership role for the family, but in my case I have difficulty accepting his perceived authority because I didn't have a sibling around when I was growing up.

My brother is 9 years older than me. Successful neurosurgeon, recently voted one of the top doctors in his (large) city. Huge McMansion of a house, wife is a doctor, 2 fabulously beautiful and smart kids, well-traveled always jetting off to Paris or the Galapogos Islands or Thailand, incredibly smart man with interests ranging from astro-physics to French Cooking to science fiction. He is a nice guy, to boot (albeit too conservative for my tastes).

Me: pt stay-at-home mom, ADD, 1 child with Asperger's, my 3 year old with possible OCD or mild AS (not dx yet...I'm dragging my feet), teeny house, marketing degree from good university yet my job? I change poopy diapers in a daycare infant room p/t. I would love to have exotic interests such as big brother, but I cannot read a non-fiction book for the life of me.

Brother is a bigtime republican and I know enough to know I am not republican, but I cannot read or listen to the news long enough to absorb anything of substance about the candidates so I shrink away from discussions about politics with my family as I feel pretty uneducated about it all.

Oh yeah...the point of this rant....I feel like the "other" child all the time. I feel angry because my Dad and Step-mother so obviously favor my brother. The topic of his family makes much better conversation at their cocktail parties than does my own family. Yes, I am sad.

The weird thing is my brother has asthma and he has told me that the med he takes for his asthma has, in his opinion, had a Ritalin effect for him all these years, and he's not sure he would have made it through med school with them. Interesting...

Sorry to ramble.

My brother is 9 years older than me. Successful neurosurgeon, recently voted one of the top doctors in his (large) city. Huge McMansion of a house, wife is a doctor, 2 fabulously beautiful and smart kids, well-traveled always jetting off to Paris or the Galapogos Islands or Thailand, incredibly smart man with interests ranging from astro-physics to French Cooking to science fiction. He is a nice guy, to boot (albeit too conservative for my tastes).

Me: pt stay-at-home mom, ADD, 1 child with Asperger's, my 3 year old with possible OCD or mild AS (not dx yet...I'm dragging my feet), teeny house, marketing degree from good university yet my job? I change poopy diapers in a daycare infant room p/t. I would love to have exotic interests such as big brother, but I cannot read a non-fiction book for the life of me.

Brother is a bigtime republican and I know enough to know I am not republican, but I cannot read or listen to the news long enough to absorb anything of substance about the candidates so I shrink away from discussions about politics with my family as I feel pretty uneducated about it all.

Oh yeah...the point of this rant....I feel like the "other" child all the time. I feel angry because my Dad and Step-mother so obviously favor my brother. The topic of his family makes much better conversation at their cocktail parties than does my own family. Yes, I am sad.

The weird thing is my brother has asthma and he has told me that the med he takes for his asthma has, in his opinion, had a Ritalin effect for him all these years, and he's not sure he would have made it through med school with them. Interesting...

Sorry to ramble.

Perhap he doesnt mean that it has had a same effect on him.... as actuall Ritalin would on an adder.

Maybe what he is trying to say is..... if he never took his asthma medication.... he would have struggled more through life...

Just like an ADD'er might, without taking their medication.

OK.... so you feel hurt that your bro is the one getting all the attention. Maybe he is maybe he isn't, maybe he's got his own bottled up pain from feeling he has to do well at everything.

The issue is your own reaction to the stimulus of him or the mentioning of him even the thought of him.... that kind of thinking is kinda difficult to shake off after years of reinforcement.

So maybe it's better to move out and make your own different way in life and get respect from others outside the family. Your family will have their own values and ingrained success indicators.... which may be good ones or bad ones... or a mixture of both.

What is important is for you to find your OWN success indicators, and not simply use those applied to another person with different strengths and weaknesses.

Sometimes families carry their desires down generations, each new generation inheriting the value system from their parents which was passed to them from their parents.

Stepping outside that is extremely difficult for most people.... who try to do what their parents sort of expect (after a bit of teenage rebellion).

Maybe you need to sit down and think about what matters to you, what your strengths are, and what your weaknesses are.... and from that you can move toward a life that is fulfilling for you... so that you break the "golden boy" cycle and your kids learn that to be happy and fulfilled is better than being successful in a game where the rules are written for someone else.

In this months Wooden Boat mag there is a short profile of James Wharram, innovative designer of ocean going catamarans for self building. In the days before catamarans were considered suitable in any way for ocean going, he built himself one from scratch, then headed off.... with two girlfriends and wrote a book... Two girls two catamarans. He is now legendary and commands huge respect in the world of catamaran design, his designs becoming the benchmark against which others are measured.

I wonder what his parents thought when he started knocking together bits of plywood to make that cat and hanging out with two German girls???

Me.... I'm JEALOUS!

kilt

After alot of thought, i think ive finally figured out what im gonna do.


All my life ive barely travelled, ive been to toronto (4hour drive) maybe like 7 times in my life, and thats the furthest ive ever gone.

My whole life ive been surrounded by people i hate, or people i dont know, whom i know are friends with people i hate.

Also, my family, who sees me as a piece of **** and will never be worth anything



So for about a week now, ive had an idea in my head, possibly the best idea ive ever had.

Currently im taking 2 classes, 1 is a Flash animation course online, which finishes Mid july or so, and the other one is in class, Outdoor survival course.

After my flash course is done, im packing up, tent, necessities, and my bike, and leaving for 30 days. Im gonna go bike as much and as far as i possibly can, see the world that ive never gotten a chance to see before, sleep in the woods, maybe hotel every 5th day for shower and comfort purposes.

Ive told alot of people at work about this idea, but i havent confirmed it with anybody. I will give my notice, and i think my boss will understand and maybe take me back when/if i come back, ill be giving em a month notice anyways.

My whole life ive always felt like an outcast, like everybody is better then me, and i couldnt do anything about that cause everywhere i look and everywhere i go, i see people who dislike me and dont give me a chance, this is my chance to take on the world and see where it takes me.

I was also thinking of writing a journal of my adventure, and mailing it and pictures i take to a friend of mine so he can post it online so people can track my progress. Im 23 and i feel like ive never taken a chance worth taking, and i believe that this is the best risk i will ever take in my life, even if it does leave me unemployed and possibly homeless, knowing my parents.



So yeah, any comments?

Sounds like an OK idea, dunno what it's like where you are... here we have some long distance trails and lots of wild space, plus youth hostels where walkers, cyclists etc can get a bed and a shower and some social dead cheap.

One thing to remember is to be open to the moment and going places and helping people do things with the knowledge that you can just head off if it gets too heavy. There's a whole industry here in Scotland that revolves around the outdoors with people just moving on when it suits them so there's often the chance of work along the way, OK so the pay's not good and the living conditions are basic but that's OK if you're seeing the world.

kilt

There's a whole industry here in Scotland that revolves around the outdoors with people just moving on when it suits them so there's often the chance of work along the way, OK so the pay's not good and the living conditions are basic but that's OK if you're seeing the world.

kilt

As much as that would be fun for a while, im more going out looking to find a better permanent place. Hoping in my 30 days i learn alot about myself in hopes that even if i dont find a good oppertunity out there, the experience will have made me better somehow.

Like i said, i spent alot of my childhood alone and left out of basically everything people need the most when they grow up, social events(friends) and family, maybe if i go out there ill meet some people and feel part of something, somewhere i fit in, and maybe my family wont look so down to me as a failure.

Oh and maybe a good job ;)