I am really burning in the depths of hades right now.

We still haven't found a place for my pathological liar (plus who knows what else) of a 61 year old dad. My son is a handful with the Asperger and my daughter continues to show signs of BP.

Plus all of the stress has made my blood pressure rise. I used to be about 110/68 and lately I am 130/78.

My dad really needs to go. He is adding a ton of stress, getting in the way of healing and making messes and breaking stuff. PLus, every time I see him I can't help but think of all the damge his lies did to me as a child through adulthood.

I am also waiting to hear back from the ins. company about my long-term disability. Even though the company case worker, my doctors' office and therapist said it wouldn't be a problem, I worry.

I am having mixed episodes galore.....and 50% of the time I think in second person...I always thought most people did this, but after asking around it turns out that people without some kind of disorder don't. I can't help but wonder if I have some of that dissociative identity disorder...maybe growing up with my really crazy abusive mom caused some dissociative issues....

I am at 900mg of Lithium and 200mg (soon to be 300_ of Lamictal. I took a blood level today to see where I am at with the LI. Nothing is working yet!!!

I don't know what's going to happen, but I know this really stinks right now.

Man, sorry to hear about all that stress you are under. I hope you can find it in you to forgive your dad (after you find a place for him to live). And that you can help your kids adapt to their issues. And most of all that you get the right treatment.

That makes two of us.

I have been manic since the end of March. The psychotic episode that preceded it was horrible (parts, in hindsight, were funny, but the feeling of fear that filled me 24 hours a day for 5 days was agonizing). I've had a few brief interruptions in which my physical energy waned a bit and I slept due to my allergies. Every time it rains, I skyrocket out of control again. The physical agitation is unbearable. I didn't sleep for a week and I had spells in which I teetered closer to becoming physically violent than I ever have. For me, this aspect is especially disturbing, because I do not think I could ever forgive myself if I lost control in this respect. In the moments of rage, all I can do is tell myself to breathe and walk away. Never before did I ever imagine that the act of existence at the most elemental level could be so difficult.

While I know that my neurobiology was working itself up to this episode (my moods follow the exact same cycle every year, almost to the day), the stress in my life is intensifying it. My fiance is an alcoholic and managed not to drink for 8 months, but has stopped going to AA and started drinking again. I have suffered in my life tremendously because of alcoholism and addiction (others, not my own) and it is the hardest thing in the world to watch the person I love give in and destroy himself. I understand why he lies about his addictions and I understand the ones in other areas as well, but it does not make it any easier to accept. I am teetering precipitously close to the psych ward as it is and the stress of my home life is only pushing me closer. Two friends told me last week that I needed to go to the hospital.

Despite all of this, I am still managing to work. This is an extremely busy time of year for dogwalking and I am barely managing to hold it together. Being bipolar and ADHD make organization extremely difficult and my schedule is so full that managing it takes every ounce of my will. Interacting with clients is incredibly taxing and I am so blatantly manic that I know every single one of them notices. I try not to talk on the phone and only communicate via text message, but despite all my attempts to slow my words and thoughts it is utterly beyond my control. The phone conversation with my psychoanalyst client was a wreck from beginning to end last week (in the sense that the mania was so obvious). I am so scared of losing my business if my clients know that I'm mentally ill. I have worked so hard to build it and it's really the only job I'm capable of doing.

I had a psychiatrist appointment on Friday and he again adjusted my meds since nothing is working. I am currently taking Depakote, Lamictal, Seroquel (only tiny amounts because of hyperprolactinemia it caused and risk of heat stroke due to the physical nature of my job), Adderall and Xanax. The Xanax halts the mania briefly and enables me to sleep for a few hours, but I hate it. While it eases the physical restlessness, it makes me confused and uncoordinated so I can only take it in the evening when I've finished work. I also experience periods of amnesia because of it-- I can be in the middle of writing something, and my mind disappears. When it returns, I have no recollection of what I've just written. When lucid, I reread what I've written and there are passages of gibberish interspersed. I have no recollection of writing them. Even something as simple as this post is very difficult to write (so please forgive me if there are any strange passages amidst thoughts of varying clarity). If the current med cocktail doesn't work soon, I'm going to have to try Lithium. The side effects petrify me, but I'm not sure that the alternative (i.e. this) is any better.

On top of that, I've been doing weird mental patient things and I think I might be on the verge of another psychotic episode. I am suddenly obsessed with buying travel size bottles of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotion, etc. I am extremely secretive about it for no reason I can discern and keep hiding them all over my apartment. I am also consumed by the idea that I need to have a small bag packed and hidden in my closet so that I am fully prepared to flee at any moment. I have the feeling that I will have to go into hiding, but I don't know why. I have also been having periods of disorientation and keep finding myself lost in places I did not mean to go. The disturbing part is that I've lived in manhattan for 13 years and I know my way around every single part of this island. The stress of being in public overwhelms me and I keep talking to myself and cursing. I think that people are staring at me when this happens and it only worsens the situation. I also wrote a very long letter about pleather and the words "alacrity" and "paroxysm" the other week. WTF???

As for disassociation-- I think this is a normal reaction to extreme stress. Mental disorders are often caused by a combination of the environmental and the genetic. I have an abusive past, so I disassociate as well. I often feel as if my identity changes constantly. I have always looked at it as a function of my moods. With each one, my perception of the world is fundamentally altered. If it's caused by bipolar or constitutes a seperate disorder, I can not say. I look at my shifts in identity as saving myself from the pain of one-- each personage serves a protective function in one sense or another.

Familial Psychiatric problems: The most recent theory on bipolar disorder posits that bipolar is a result of both environmental and genetic factors. My family is full of people with untreated psychiatric problems, so this would not surprise me. I will dig up the link for you, but I read an article recently that states that autistic children are more likely to have mentally ill parents (my father has asperger's). With regards to your son, I can see that this could explain some measure of his autism.

The Xanax fog keeps descending, so please forgive me for any errors or gaps of logic.

Sorry for the long e-mail, I just had a lot to say. Hang in there and hopefully things will improve soon.

Carol

I have to take care of everything to move Phil (my so called father) out of here. I am raging today as it has really sent me into a depressive state. I am so effing angry right now.

My therapist thinks there is some dissacoiative order among other things, but he said I need to get the BP under control first. Wonderful.

The unpredictability of it all and the ravaging flood of each mood is so taxing.

Yesterday, I was so manic I couldn't talk. Today, I was internally manic but could manage to interact enough so that people probably just thought I was a little quieter than usual (I think). I spent the entire day listening to my frantic yet philosophical internal monologue. No matter the subject (there were so many), a sense of profound and frightening sadness haunted me. I realized last night that even when manic and feeling euphoric and glorious, there is a measure of despair lurking beneath it at every moment. Although I see this now, I feel in one moment that I would do anything in the world to never have to be manic again, in the next, I yearn for it to last forever.

In the midst of all of this, I am trying to deal with my fiance and his whole denial of a substance abuse problem. I have been struggling with this issue and his dishonesty with regards to it for a year now. I try to be supportive, but I'm not sure how capable I am of handling any more of it.

I can't even imagine how difficult it is for you, Sponge, to deal with your father and be the one that has to do everything. Add your own psychiatric problems on top of it and no wonder you're angry. I went through that stage last week and it was unendurable. I can't say that this sadness is any better but it is less taxing in a sense than anger. Hopefully, when your father leaves you can move closer to finding some measure of balance. Dealing with my family, even if it's for an hour, sends me over the edge faster than anything else can (and it doesn't take much).

If it weren't for my two dogs and my schizophrenic friend and neighbor, Jacqueline, I would have succumbed long ago. People think she is totally incompetent and she is, on many levels, but she possesses an insight and inspiration that I can see even when she is at her most delusional (she is in her late 60's and not on any medication). Twice-- each time when I was at the breaking point, she said to me "I am going back out because I have to reassert myself." Something about the way she said it and when she said it reached to the very core of me and gave me just enough inspiration to survive another moment. Her curious sort of wisdom saved me. She is the only person I can stand to be around when I am at an extreme. She has no idea what year it is, or when she was born, and only recalls sporadic details from her past, yet as I was just beginning to emerge from the depression and wreckage of February, she looked at me and said, "Carol! You look so much better, I was so worried about you." Although Jacqueline lives in a perpetual state of hallucination, confusion and chaos, she possesses an intuitive way of interpreting the world few "normal" people have. I really don't know what I would do without her.

I was just told my blood levels of lithium were low so I am being raised to 1200mg. This scares me, but I will give it a go. Tonight will probably be my first night of 300mg of Lamictal as well.

I have been very weary of pharmaceuticals like lithium in the past and having to take them, much less raise them leaves me with all kinds of morbid thoughts of kidney failure and god knows what else. It doesn't help when you go reading aobut these things on the internet either.

My heart goes out to you Spongedaddy. I hope things improve soon for you. Just know we are here to listen and help whenever you might need it.

Thanks man. I spoke with my son's teacher and it's going to take a lot of work to help control this autism deal..and maybe some meds for the adhd hyper side...I also spoke with the social worker and we are working really hard to get dear ol dad out of here..however I also fell into that deep depressive hole and feel crushed under the weight of the world.

Gee whiz. I'm new in this forum and haven't been "formally" diagnosed with ADHD but I suspect I have it. I'm almost 53 and looking at certain symptoms, etc., in this forum and all over the 'net somewhat 'splains a bunch of stuff that I've been dealing with for years.

Anyway, my heart goes out to both Spongedaddy and Carol -- I so often have this incredible desire to just make everybody FEEL BETTER and wish I had the answers...I know this is, in part, because of my own journey toward feeling NORMAL for a change.

If by the weight and intensity of my desire for your comfort I could help you, you'd all be well now. (And so would I.)

Peace.

Mary Jo

Thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately for me I am what they refer to as a rapid cycler with mixed states. I have gone from deep depression to extreme hypomania with depression mixed in...I can't sit still very long..my thoughts race..I pace and I feel sad at the same time.

It's hell, but there must be a light at the end of the tunnel...there has to be!

Spongedaddy,
My heart literally ached as I read through all these posts! I really feel for you and what you are going through. I am not a rapid cycler like you so I don't know what that is like but the depression and the stress of life I can relate to. But to have to be a parent on top of dealing with your mood swings, I can't imagine what that must be like. I have nothing to offer in the way of advice, but HANG IN THERE! Maybe this increase in meds will help. I don't know how long you have been on lithium, but I was on it at a pretty substantial dose for over 10 years with no physical problems resulting from it (my kidneys are fine). If you can, try to get some exercise. I'm not consistent with it lately but when I have exercised on a regular basis I've felt so much better in my head.

Hope things start to get better for you.
Jackers

I just want to thank everyone for all of the posts in this thread. Your support means a great deal to me.

Sponge-
I understand your fears about Lithium. My psychiatrist said that was the next choice if the current attempt doesn't work- been on it for a week and still manic with no lessening of the intensity. I have an extreme fear of it because of potential side effects and permanent damage to my health. I find that when I am in an extreme mood state, I tend to be especially paranoid about medications and my health in general. I have twice believed that I have lymphoma, once that I was autistic, and then had the transient alternating blindness episode in March. At one point, I was buying every single over the counter test I could at Walgreen's for everything from diabetes, to high cholesterol, etc. because I wanted to know why my eye was dead. Towards the end of it, I was trying to get eye removal surgery because I felt it was the only means by which to stop my eye from bothering me since doctors at two emergency room and an ophthamologist couldn't find anything wrong. And I was wondering why they didn't seem terribly concerned. Gee, maybe it was because when they asked, I told them what medications I take. . .

Over the years, I have been absolutely convinced that I have an entire host of bizarre ailments. Since my bipolar follows a distinctly cyclical pattern that allies itself with the seasons, I recently noticed that the health paranoia coincides with the depression phases. When I was severely agitated during the horror of February, I believed that the psychiatrists were plotting against me and were going to inject me with Zyprexa.

And onward, it goes.

Also, Sponge, I'm actually writing an essay right now about being manic because I had a few interesting insights about it the other day. It's nothing I could explain within the confines of a post, but I will send it to you when finished. It touches upon the despair mixed in with the glory. Hopefully, I'll actually finish it!

Hey all --

Hypochondriasis is a particularly telling symptom for depression. When I started getting depressed last fall (didn't start my SAD light early enough) I was convinced that I had a case of head lice. I had started a job at an elementary school and someone had offhandedly suggested that lice goes around there (poor kids, mostly). Having had an embarrassing encounter with lice a decade ago, I became convinced I had it, with absolutely no evidence. (Funny now, but embarrassing too), I was plucking hairs out of my head and showing them to people because I thought the shaft portion of the hair looked like a bug. I even went to another teacher and asked her to look at it.

I spent ten minutes at a friend's house during a barbecue inspecting my head for lice. It all seemed perfectly normal to me at the time.

Another time I was convinced that I had a lump in my breast and I was going to die of cancer, even though the lump had always been there and had never been a cause for concern.

Then I was paranoid about my teeth and wondering what would happen if I would need to have them all pulled.

All seemed not weird at all -- at the time.

I am not at all like this when I am out of the deeper ebb of my depression. I'll actually ignore real problems when I'm feeling decent.

Even the depression self-rating scale on cet.org has as one of the questions, "Have you recently been worried about your physical health?"

One of the more fun aspects of depression. And there are so many to begin with . . .

Today I hit a manic high where I had to clean the house. I rearranged two rooms and sweated my **** off (not good for the ol Lithium). I just couldn't stop until physical exhaustion set in. I was singing and joking with myself the whole time and then tonight the total oppisite with severe agitation, morbid thoughts and some impulsive spending.

I got my wife a book called Loving Someone Who is Bipolar. It seemed like a great book with better info than a lot of BP books I have seen for me. I also spoke with my caseworker from the insurance company and it seems like my long-term disability will be approved.

I am glad because I think my life in sales is over. I just can't do it anymore without total collapse and I don't need that.

Spongedaddy,
I feel for you. With every thing that is going on in your life right now I can't imagine that the "severe agitation, morbid thoughts and some impulsive spending" help.

I wish I had some words of wisdom or insightful experience to share with you. All I have for you is my support and kind thoughts towards you and your family. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Amie-- would you like to be my roommate at the hospital? If you're not ready to commit, we could take a field trip to the Mayo Clinic for an exhaustive physical examination. After all, nothing's wrong with our brains, so it must be our bodies conspiring against us. . .

Sponge-- My fiance bought the "Loving Someone Who is Bipolar" book. I skimmed it but haven't given it a thorough reading. Somehow, when I'm either depressed/manic or mixed, I am not so amenable to its suggestions. I realize this is because I get irritable and confrontational and then decide that my fiance "is trying to control me" when he makes reference to it. In our household, we refer to it as "the book." I must admit I'm guilty of using "the book" to my advantage-- the section on "the inability to clean" is my favorite part and very useful when explaining why I haven't had a chance to go through the year-old mail pile, contain the laundry explosion or pick up the bra sitting on the table in the foyer even though guests are coming. Last fall, when I had to leave for the airport in an hour and hadn't even thought of packing, I suddenly decide to clean the entire apartment. As if struck by lightening, I moved all the furniture, scrubbed the baseboards, vacuumed & mopped the floors, dusted, organized, etc. I had to take my heels off and sprint through the airport in order to catch my flight while cursing excessively and unwittingly tearing my boarding pass up, but I didn't miss my flight.

The gift of manic energy and the curse when it's taken away. I cherish it one minute, despise it the next. Yet, with each shifting of view, I am utterly convinced that the current consciousness shall last eternally. Shoot, I better go shopping, I'm running out of clean laundry. . .

I can see how you feel that way about the book and I think BP is different for everyone so it can't cover everything. For example:my wife is very supportive so many of the dialogues listed in the book are confrontational and don't apply. However, she isn't a very big researcher and doesn't fully understand my disorder. I think it will help give her a better understanding of what is going on with BP.

That manic energy feels good when it happens, but the results are often not so good. I hate the feeling I get after I spend a lot of money. It's like being in College and waking up with an incredilbe hangover and you don't know who the hell is in bed with you.

BTW here's the chorus to the song from Johnny Cash that inspired the title of this thread:

I fell, fell, fell into a burnin' ring of fire --
I went down, down, down
And the flames went higher,
And it burns, burn, burns,
The ring of fire, the ring of fire.

Sponge --

I'm SO glad to hear that your disability is going to be approved! I can't imagine doing sales in the first place (the rejection would be too depressing for me).

Adhddogwalker --

We would be very amusing hospital mates. I've told everyone I know how much I loved my visit to the hospital. After the voices stopped trying to convince me that the meds were actually poison that the Masons were trying to feed me -- and the voice of God told me, "Girl, just take the medicine," I enjoyed it.

When I got there I hadn't eaten in days because I ran out of money and the police officers didn't think to offer me any food. The doctors were nonplussed by my enormous consumption of food when I got to the hospital, because apparently manic people don't eat too much or something (however, the depressed patients who weren't hungry were happy to hand over their plates to me when I begged them. I looked like a refugee because I was so thin so they probably thought I needed it, compassionate souls).

If we were both on the upswing of mania I think we would delight each other; on the downswing, me with my lice and you with one eye -- we would be a rather amusing pair to the staff, I'm sure!

I just wanted to check in and see how you 3 were doing?
Spongedaddy?
Adhdogwalker?
Amiegrace?

I keep you all in my thoughts and I hope that you are doing well.

It's funny because I think about everyone throughout the day, too. When I'm feeling revved up or irritable or misunderstood, it's so nice to know that there are other people who I think are funny, decent people who are trying to get through this mess too.

Today (and I'm not manic, I actually think this is something I can achieve) I'm seriously considering making a long-term plan to get a PhD in clinical psychology and contribute to the understanding of depression/bipolar. I am thoroughly fascinated by it, read about it and study it constantly anyway, and am desperate to help myself and others. There's just an enormous amount of pain to be alleviated out there.

Of course, with a child and the ADD and all, it may take me 30 years (I got a bachelor's in 95 in psychology), but you've gotta have dreams, right?? :)

It's funny because I think about everyone throughout the day, too. When I'm feeling revved up or irritable or misunderstood, it's so nice to know that there are other people who I think are funny, decent people who are trying to get through this mess too.

Today (and I'm not manic, I actually think this is something I can achieve) I'm seriously considering making a long-term plan to get a PhD in clinical psychology and contribute to the understanding of depression/bipolar. I am thoroughly fascinated by it, read about it and study it constantly anyway, and am desperate to help myself and others. There's just an enormous amount of pain to be alleviated out there.

Of course, with a child and the ADD and all, it may take me 30 years (I got a bachelor's in 95 in psychology), but you've gotta have dreams, right?? :)

Good for you! I think you might think about shifting from having a dream to having a vision. A dream is something for the future that meh if it happens it happens. A vision is something you are constantly working on now.


I had a real cr@ptacular day. I am cycling like crazy and was up for two hours during the night. I am waiting for my dad to get the hell out of here and it is like torture. Tomorrow I get to see the NP and discuss why Lithium + Lamictal isn't working.

I am going to post my Thank You's later-- rushing off to work. Update: I am decoding the equation of existence, solving it so I can find the X. I have to keep most of the details secret, because I don't want the people or the person to know (not you guys-- you are not against me. I trust you.) I am just worried that the people or the person will spy and try to rob me of my psychic powers.

I was recently in the "h" (hospital) word and had a miserable experience.

The thing is... I promised my self I wouldn't go back and it wasn't my fault. The old doc had me on bogus meds and my new doc had put me on the meds I am on now, but it was too little too late. I like my new doc and he was looking out for me. I now sleep better (except last night. I woke up more than once in a cold sweat) That visit was almost a month ago. I fear I have tried my old ways of going at things alone again. I will try and come in here for support more often.