View Full Version : hoping for death


SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:04 PM
nevermind...
................I can't talk about it....I'm sorry for not thinking it thru before hitting "post".

Mary
05-12-08, 11:20 PM
Hugs Suzzanne. I know nothing I say can help right now. But I will say this.
You are not a failure. Look at how many people you help here. Before you can say it... yes you have helped. Many times.

Now... as far as putting something in a letter. There is nothing you can put in that letter that won't make your parents blame themselves. I've known several parents who's children took their own lives. Those parents to this day, still blame themselves.

What kind of a job did you have? What are your skills? What about volunteering at the hospital to start? They're always needing someone to sit with patients, or deliver flowers, magazines, etc

Meds don't always help... even if you take them. Have you tried walking to burn off your frustrations? Fresh air and excercise help immensely.

Do you write? What about journaling as a release of pent up emotions?

Is there a free clinic in your area...where you can talk with a counselor?

SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:26 PM
ahhh, you beat me to editing.
....the answers to all those questions are "no"
except, I was a cashier last time, but i can do alot of things.

this is an island in the twilight zone, that happens to have NO meth.
....or anything else, except home schooled, back ward *** rednecks, that hate
"different" ....they like "same" and I think "same" sucks.

all the culture is in the yogert dept.

....I think I'm strong enough not to do meth now...

and go HOME where there's opportunity, and divirsity....(atlanta)
...............but, I needed a job for the money to do that.

Mary
05-12-08, 11:31 PM
Ok... you have a goal in site. SO...when are you going job hunting?

Or.... do you have any place you can crash in Atlanta... and get the job there?

Maybe Mom and Dad could loan you traveling expenses..which you could pay back as your new finances allow.

4gotAgain
05-12-08, 11:34 PM
hey sussanne..
i dont really know you
but have read some of your posts..
lots of been real helpful!!
and you seem really nice!

hope things get better!!

SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:37 PM
awww thank you 4got! *hugs* ...that means alot to me...*glows*

...Mary i have job hunted CONSTANTLY....that's why i have'nt been posting.
its seasonal here....it kills your esteem....lemmie tell ya.
...and they way i was fired....because "I'm a little different" makes me madder every day.

ADDAWAY
05-12-08, 11:42 PM
You're a rock star S-X, and your rock will roll & roll very soon ... give it one more day and one more rockin' ...

HUGS

Mary
05-12-08, 11:50 PM
awww thank you 4got! *hugs* ...that means alot to me...*glows*

...Mary i have job hunted CONSTANTLY....that's why i have'nt been posting.
its seasonal here....it kills your esteem....lemmie tell ya.
...and they way i was fired....because "I'm a little different" makes me madder every day.

I can imagine. It's really hard here right now as well. My oldest was always putting in applications, but would forget to call in or walk in to check on them.

No wonder I've missed you the last few weeks. I wondered. Hugs!

We have a place here, called Michigan Works.. do you have one similar to that in Florida? They help you find a job... give training if necessary, etc.

I need to call and get the twins back on schedule. They're a few weeks late with their job counselors, after the loss of my Dad.

At seasonal.. YUCK. I'm sorry.. :(

SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:52 PM
go ahead, just write SUX! LMAO!
...................just playin' thanks. ADDway.


I just feel so ...BAD.
.....I don't wanna be here in the 1st place.
and if i was working, I would'nt be day dreaming darkly about death.

suicide, sounds SO GOOD to me now...instead of working thru it?
......but, Ive never hurt anyone...much less killed them.

and it "feels" like the worse sin deep down.

SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:54 PM
...so this is not a threat, or a feeling I'm having for no reason.

I just hurt inside.

Mary
05-12-08, 11:56 PM
Because deep down.. it is. Besides...I'd miss you.

scarygreengiant
05-12-08, 11:56 PM
I enjoy your posts Suzzanne. You have been helpful. Don't give up. Your potential will shine through. Sometimes it takes more time for potential to shine through, especially for us ADHDers. Just think of it as marinating. A marinated chicken has more flavor to it. I hope you feel better soon.

SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:57 PM
...I'll try it mary.
maybe daytona has one..is 20 minutes away.
.....but, if I thought there was a reason to blow gas to go, (gas is expensive) I would

SuzzanneX
05-12-08, 11:59 PM
A marinated chicken has more flavor to it.

LMAO!! thank you! ...ha ha ha ha ha!

...I'm poultry in motion, for sure.

scarygreengiant
05-13-08, 12:01 AM
A marinated chicken has more flavor to it.

LMAO!! thank you! ...ha ha ha ha ha!

...I'm poultry in motion, for sure.

I'm glad you're laughing. I hope that's a good sign. *hug*

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:03 AM
Yeah it hurts bADD. Been there, done that trip.

My suggestion: turn the volume up really loud on one of your favorite sad, rock songs (e.g., Crazy by Aerosmith), lay in the dark late at night, and sing along at the top of your lungs playing it over & over. You got great rock avatars and your own pick should leave you cried out & numb. You'll feel a whole lot better.

Plus ... the new season of our darkly dreaming Dexter is fast approaching and we couldn't miss watching and chatting about that, now could we?

Imnapl
05-13-08, 12:11 AM
Suzy-Q, got any Mozart? He was a party animal. Works for me.

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:12 AM
I'm glad you're laughing


that's just me, and how i handle pain.
.....sometimes people take my joking WAY wrong in intense situations

I have to tell em. I'm just trying to work up an endorphin for em to chew on.
...not laughing at them...just rolling with it.


Addway~
......that's drew barrymore.
I'm glad you like it.

my crazy song would have to be GnR's "you're fukin crazy'

but you know me pretty well.
....if I could put it to music it helps.

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:20 AM
Oh yeah, I recognized the Drewster ... I was referring to your previous gal rockers!

GnR ... do it girl ... loud ... on the floor ... with the lights out! You'll feel better alright!

Live and Let Die too or November Rain ...

Imnapl
05-13-08, 12:21 AM
This poem / song has special memories for me of younger days. I haven't thought of it in years.



Suzanne

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe you'll trust him
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.

Now Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
On our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.

-- Leonard Cohen

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:28 AM
Here you go S-X:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1wmwud1DXQ

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:33 AM
And here's one for you & Imnapl:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30egIKHT-pM

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:34 AM
<a target="blank" href="http://www.butterfunk.com/"><img src="http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/ii261/funkbutter/graphics/Flowers/9_flowers_candle_lights.gif" title="HOT Comment Graphics at BUTTERFUNK.COM!"></a><br><a target="blank" href="http://www.butterfunk.com/"><img




I know that song!

..my favorite is

waiting for the miricle.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2955391132698081314&q=waiting+on+the+miracle&ei=bRgpSK3MK5O-rQKB74maCg

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:38 AM
http://www.nubar.com/realstock_images/m35873-25.jpg

Imnapl
05-13-08, 12:39 AM
ADDAWAY, that was beautiful. Thanks.

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:41 AM
AXEL'S HERE! ..hide yer meds! LOL!

....thankies ADDway

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:44 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKCv2qGMkF0

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:46 AM
fdog has been coming by my website to check on me..
...I figured it musta got quiet around here.

thanks ya'll.

Mary
05-13-08, 12:47 AM
Hugs Suzzanne.. if you need me... just pm. I will listen/read.

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:49 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W91sqAs-_-g


AdHD, ya know...

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:54 AM
Thanks for the Rob-T!!! How appropriate S-X!!!

Here's an ol' now bittersweet memory of mine ... To a new beginning like this for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFaBKg5iEwU

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 12:56 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6HRAEabk70&feature=related


my favorite song right now..LOL!

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 12:58 AM
The Zappster ............

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 01:02 AM
give me, your dirty love,
...like some tacky little pamphlet in your daddys bottom drawer!

LMAO!

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 01:05 AM
I guess, I can leave the depression forum.
....ya;ll cheered me up.

my peeps! *hugs*

ADDAWAY
05-13-08, 01:09 AM
You found it in my drawer(s)? Heck, i'll have to hide it between the mattresses again!

SuzzanneX
05-13-08, 01:55 AM
thank you for your dirty love, my friend. *hugs*
....are we all perverts? or just us? LOL!

~boots~
05-13-08, 03:11 AM
Suzzanne...I love all of your posts..you have such a talent for writing..
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better

hugs
xxxxx

SuzzanneX
05-14-08, 10:44 PM
meh..
....thankies.

I still ain't working.
...but I'm distracted easily, especially here.

LOL!

FrazzleDazzle
05-14-08, 11:05 PM
I'm glad you are feeling better too, Suzzanne. I have appreciated you being here from when you first came on and shared your amazing artwork. You are such a strong and tenacious woman, and I really admire you all the way around.

SuzzanneX
05-15-08, 12:27 AM
it's amazing how many people are just "the man behind the curtain" and NOT the great and powerful oz.
....I don't know how I'm pulling it off honestly.

I feel like i'm made of egg shells sometimes.

FrazzleDazzle
05-15-08, 12:34 AM
it's amazing how many people are just "the man behind the curtain" and NOT the great and powerful oz.
....I don't know how I'm pulling it off honestly.

I feel like i'm made of egg shells sometimes.

You pull it off because you have to, no matter how you feel or the circumstance or the ever present eggshells! You are woman! :D

scottm
05-15-08, 09:44 AM
for one to say "hoping" for death is a contradiction. if you can "hope" then you shouldn't be requiring death. this implies some hope remains. that means you don't really want to die.

I don't hope to die.
i know I just will.

DeloresMelon
05-15-08, 10:17 AM
you're not really hoping for death. your post was a cry for help, otherwise you'd have NOT hit submit. timing made that statement invalid.

you typed it before you hit submit.

you have now seen what an impact you have on others even via on online forum

you don't wish to die

you wish for more of that feeling you have in this thread

because if this many people that haven't met you can feel this strongly about you here

how many lives are you touching daily right there and you just don't see it

don't be selfish and wish to take yourself away from those that need you

be selfish and take from them what they have to offer even if it's just a ham sandwich

sometimes we need to hit the bottom to clearly see the top.