I found the pain...
....Last year, I went to a 6 week class/assesment of your perfect career.


We were talking about things that block your path in the right direction.



procrastination
fear of change
fear of success
fear of failure
unclear goals


THe class started talking about what their problems were.


Well, normally, I have pretty good assertion, and self confidence....
.....but when it comes to my art....I shy way WAY down.

I feel like an imposter.
......like If I try to get work as an illustrater....they will "expose" my
inadequacy, and point me towards the sunset.


Back in 1986 when I was in art school....
....I went for commercial art.....I did'nt know I was ADHD.

I did'nt realize their are "art machine" left brain, put out the product, type artists.

People told me my whole life, I should be an artist...
........"I was so good at it" and "I am gifted"

Well, I got to art collage, and my peers, BLEW by me....
.......................left me in the ****ing dust....
.......they put out BETTER, FASTER.......more clever, cleaner, better lettered.

ART
............than I could even belive.

I felt like I was chasing a ferrarri, riding a big wheel.
......I could'nt keep up.

I was failing at what was supposed to be "my calling"

.........My classmates were either dropping out, or popping off a masterpiece a day.

the best students seemed mechanical, joyless, and detached from their work.

......................but exactly the kind of artist, you find bidding for pepsi, and coke commercials for the superbowl halftime.

So, I started doing speed.


......now, I could keep up, but, I could'nt sleep of corse...
so I did 3 projects a run....


.....I started realizing I could'nt do ot without the speed.
I realized, there would be times, I could'nt afford to do the speed...
......and I felt pressure to get the speed, to keep up with the class.

I did'nt know I was ADHD.

...so I was young then, and never reached a bottom.
I thought, I can't keep up this pace.

it's killing me.

....so I thought, I had a dead hostage.

my talent was not the kinda talent it takes to be an artist.

.......so, I became a waitress.

I told myself, I did'nt wanna be reclusive anyway...
...and thats why I CHOSE to be a server.


and when I could afford it...
....I did speed to draw pictures, at my leisure.

as a server, I always had positive feedback.
..........thats why I started writing a waitress resume...instead of an artist one.

deep down, I feel like people will say...

not fast enough
not good enough
................you're not an artist.

like...

"my hands are talented, yours are not" ..or something.

so, there it is.

.................so, it was a complete shock to me, that when I told the class.

....I'm not good enough, talented enough, fast enough, I'm not what anyone wants
I can't charge for it.....it's bunk.

.......and busted out crying......I still can't belive it.....I had buried this little
pussbucket of unworthyness so deep....I did'nt know I had it myself, till I said it.

..............the suorce of why I'm not an artist, hurts so bad to pull up.

that's the rotten, spoiled meat that has been stinking up my confidence.
.......it was that simple.

I as an 18 year old, choose the wrong area of art, AND did'nt know I was ADHD.
......so I thought I was "slow" and not good enough......it was'nt true and my soul has been smothering....



when I quit art school........I told my parents...

"it's too reclusive" I could'nt even say.....
......I'm not good enough, to them.

it would have hurt them.

....I said, I did'nt want to do that.


I also told MYSELF that.
......and kept that feeling of "substandard, malformed" creativity.

buried.

I felt like my talent was retarded.
.....litterally.

like I was born healthy....
....but my talent was like a dud....


......or sold cheap at marshall's because there was a mistake in the making of it .

irregular ......only $2.00......clearence.


....so the councelor/teacher said

draw a picture of that pain and suffering
..............and have a ritual burning of those feelings.

and replace it will positive.


..........just thought I'd share. :)

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b219/suzannex/art/Scan00051.jpg

I love it.

Hey, read my signature. That's my not-so-humble opinion about school.

If you were meant to create, you'll never be satisfied with anything else. In fact, I believe that not creating somewhat 'causes' a lot of our problems...

It's funny... sometimes, I am so full of some sort of feeling. I can't express it, can't explain it, can't understand it. But I'll be miserable til I start singing. And then the emotion can be released and everything is better.

Suzie,

You ARE talented. Your art IS good, because your art has DEPTH, babe. Art without depth doesn't speak to anyone.

This has to be one of the funniest, most descriptive lines I have ever, EVER read! I'm still laughing at it! As one writer (ok, I write law briefs, hey, it's still writing...) to another, I tip my hat, woman. This is brilliant:

"I felt like I was chasing a ferrarri, riding a big wheel."

I should be an art teacher, I'm flakey enough.
...and I LIKE to do art, not, see as fast as I can do art.

I liked this..

.....I had buried this little
pussbucket of unworthyness so deep....I did'nt know I had it myself, till I said it.

..............the suorce of why I'm not an artist, hurts so bad to pull up.

that's the rotten, spoiled meat that has been stinking up my confidence.
.......it was that simple.

LMAO! .....that's exactly how it felt too.

hahahaha!

*glomps sandy*

Yeah, babe, YOU CAN WRITE! Your descriptions are so vivid that they're impossible to look away, you know? They may be beautiful, like a gorgeous little kid, or a six pack on a guy that you really feel sort of twisted for staring, but gee, WHAT a six pack that is! Or they're a twisted pile of wreckage on the freeway so ugly and bloody that you slam into the car in front of you before you realize that you didn't want to look in the first place. Brilliant. VIVID. You go, Grrrrrrrrrrrrlllllll. Go teach. You'll scare the bejeezers out of your students and the faculty. Maybe they'll learn something about art in the process, like, art isn't always pretty... :D

http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s206/tlr823/Artisnever.jpg

look, I'm a successful, relatively well-known illustrator. I do not 'pump out the product'. I am not a machine- but I know those bastards. I know them. I feel that their values and skillset and work are so different from mine that we almost aren't in the same field.


if you have ability, use it and don't let those people bother you. they'll swallow your soul. all they end up doing is...slick,repetitive,commercial crap. eye poison. there are a few who are inspired, it's true...but those ambitious types ain't it. they're just the guys who make the visual clutter, the disracting garbage. the real genius lies in a different place, the eyes feed the soul and if you have talent you can bake it some bread. but it takes time.

just my encouraging words. don't know if this helps, but I do understand. I never did speed, though. I just started drinking ;)

thank you

I am no artist but I know those clowns too. I am not built for speed, I am built for quality. Work has constantly complained about how slow I am, and not complimented me about how good my work is.

I just went to a job counselor yesterday, who understood completely my problems, as right now I have no idea where to turn for work.

It totally sucks when 15 years of one's life go shooting by thinking you are in the right career, when you find out you blew it by picking the wrong career.

Argh!

I SO understand... *hugs*

Wow Suzanne... your post really hits the nail... thank you.

Awesome post Suz

Beautiful post, thank you for sharing this experience with us. I understand so completely, your words really resonate with me. I also think you're a wonderful writer! Very clever and vividly expressive. I especially liked this part:

I felt like my talent was retarded.
.....litterally.

like I was born healthy....
....but my talent was like a dud....


......or sold cheap at marshall's because there was a mistake in the making of it .

irregular ......only $2.00......clearence.

LOL! thank you, it was very painful when I wrote it, but some of it's funny now!

dyinginside, you have felt this too?

" I felt like I was chasing a ferrarri, riding a big wheel." How painfully true. Don't forget the big yellow helmet with your name written on the front of it...

Suz may I ask how you are supporting yourself now? I just finished a shift at the hardware store and I am too tired to skim through your other posts... :)

I'm not...
....my parents are....nice, huh?

I'll echo Minicooper's thoughts, Suzie, you are a fabulous writer. You've got a nice cadence and your word choices are outstanding. My favorite was the big wheel, too.

Retro. is also an outstanding writer. Dang it makes me sad to see wonderful folks like you being beaten down and underutilized. If nothing else, what FABULOUS teachers you'd both be with your wit and resilience.

Oh. Such a waste. Suzie, I got a call in to my friends with the frame shop, and Retro., I emailed a former classmate of mine who is the head of admissions at my college. We'll see what we see. I'll PM you both with whatever I find out.

Hugs to both of you. I so want you to be able to use your considerable talents to your financial advantage. If I've lost the ability to do that anymore at least I had a good go of it (14 years). I hope I haven't lost it, but having tasted it it will be very hard to let it go.

Sandy

Thanks Sandy. It's hopeful that others can see SuzX, me and the others. There is a saying that started out in the South African struggle that has been picked up by the disability rights movement: "Nothing about us, without us". We are as much the ADD story as the glossy success stories that are routinely trotted forward.

Mmmmmm, agreed, Retro. I'd say more so, actually. The glossy success stories are meant to inspire, of course, but I hear you about the REAL story.

Nothing about us, without us". We are as much the ADD story as the glossy success stories that are routinely trotted forward.


Hmm the glossy success stories - perhaps the part of those success stories that make them appear glossy is that only the glorious highlights are seen. Successful people appear to us as they are today and we assume they have always been this way.

What isn't seen by many is the dusty dirty road that lead them there.

The notion of "glossy success stories" being posted here - makes me smile at one time writing glossy success stories about being ADD was met by a myriad of post reminding the author of such just how impaired and dysfunctional we all are.

This (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22590) is a very mild discussion on the subject - noting the two sides were already drawing lines - camp "disorder" (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=234459&postcount=27) and camp evolution (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=234512&postcount=29) and none of us really had any idea of our direction but the result in my opinion is a more balanced community presentation of what it is to be ADD - both a disorder and a difference = it didn't come easy

How do you to instill the right attitude in kids with ADHD? (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27485) and attitude (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=280599&postcount=20)I have plenty of.


When success stories are read here or the positive points of ADD are highlighted - I remember when a member claiming ADD was a possible gift (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=229086&postcount=9) was reffered to as a Pollyanna (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=229102&postcount=11) I see a community today that is more balanced in it's approach and more tolerant of different perspective.

A few of us oldies remember the dusty road of debates arguments and changes that lead to the ADDF community we have now.

A month or so ago I had to defend some one's right to see ADD as a disorder - I was floored

Those days were not easy for me I felt hard pressed on all sides. My views were changing and I was a new moderator not part of the ADDF scenery time has been kind enough to allow.

Any time we head for progress we are going to be met with resistance - just llike Chain did in my example Resistance is there to make us stronger - to teach us what we need for the day we do reach our destination

Suzanne - you are good enough but you have to have a cause, a direction and a little faith in your own gift. When it comes time to exercise that gift in the fullness for which you are designed you have to believe in it and in you - and hold on long enough to that vision of success long enough to over come the obstacles, You must keep pushing past you own doubts and fears -

There will be competition - who wants to go where no one else what to be

Critics -it seems to be some freaking rule every one has to have critics - poo.

You are going to have fear - it is part of going where you have never been before

There will be times of doubt - is comes with the darn critics


Part of your pain is you belong in art girl friend not behind a cash register - time to hit that dusty trail of personal growth and change {IMHO}

Well holy crap, you are an awesome writer Suz! It was riveting, your words, the imagery, very impressive writing. Makes me wish you wrote novels.

I also related to SO MUCH of what you wrote. I'm not an artist, not even close but growing up, people always told me what I should be when I grew up. Said I was gifted. Then, like you, I felt once in school, my talents paled in comparison to my peers. But I also know now that my ADD played a huge role in my struggles as a student. I had to work twice as hard to be half as good. At least I felt half as good. I did manage to make decent grades but my field experience, the actual application of my skills in the real world, did not come as easy as people assumed it would be for me.

Anyway, not trying to make this about me, just wanted you to know that I can sooo relate to what you wrote. And if your as talented an artist as you are a writer you have nothing to worry about.

Outstanding post by the way, kept my attention till the end, and that's the best complement I can give.

The more I read here, and the more I look at my own life, the more I think that the education system is just not made for people like us to succeed. It does not value our abilities and brings to the forefront our biggest weaknesses.

The way they judge whether or not we would be good at something does not accurately assess our skills at all. When we fail these assessments, we feel incompetent. It is so hard to hold inside yourself the belief that even though all the "objective" evidence points to the contrary, you are a shining star, and you have talent worth pursuing.

I know this pain so well. It has been so hard to keep pursuing my dream, sometimes the only thing keeping me going is the student loans I have amassed and thus must pay off somehow. God, it's so hard to keep going sometimes.

And I have scars too, from all these years of feeling like a fraud. I have anxiety about performance and doubt in my abilities, frustration and anger about the injustice of it all.

I don't really have any advice here (for once). I just came to say that I can relate to you. The educational system has really beat me up, and I'm sure countless others. I'm sure a lot of great talent has been stifled by bad grades. You are not alone in this struggle.

WOW!
.....thanks you guys! ........I did write a book, but, since they have'nt made a schoolhouse rock song for publishing yet......ya know........BIG BEGININGS!!
..............creativity a blaze....only to fizzle out, like wet a bottle rocket fuse.
and sits on a shelf, and participates in clutter activity....
......because I go on screen saver, when someone says the word "copyright"

Jackers, it is about US...give us strength.

OMG! .....
....attention is all I ever wanted space! thank you!!!

we are in it together... thank Gawd for technology.

..the cosmic consciencness of inattentive flying toasters....

I think it's the dots....
........that are ADHD friendly.
people that don't have it, ask me not to "space out"
.....so far because they can't follow.



The more creative non ADDers...say....

they read me...
.................like KIRK.
James T. kirk.......
...........COMMANDER...
of the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE
......................RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIFE.......of one crewman.



I myself, have to copy, paste, and bust up blocks of text,
...............or I read the same line over and over.




BTW jackers...
....how'd you get your avatar to yell ...."HOLY CRAP!" ??

neat trick..

........hmmmmmm.

meadd ...
... there's lil mines in all yer posts.
you gotta be cool around heather mills,
.............paul mcartneys ex wife? .....if she steps on one...

dude! ....she'll raise h3lll!

LOL!

jus playin.
....I'll remember this....

There will be competition - who wants to go where no one else what to be

( hate that, everything is beautiful, even what's in my trash if I stare at it.)
Critics -it seems to be some freaking rule every one has to have critics - poo.

(the after birth of the artist, screw them)

You are going to have fear - it is part of going where you have never been before

(biologically the same as excitement, different mindset)

There will be times of doubt - is comes with the darn critics

(I'm my worst critic - screw me! LOL!)

ya know, that same class I took.
....the teacher said, when they train telephone sales people..

They tell em to remove themselves, and count the rejections to 40.
.....by the 40th phone call, or maybe before..

someone will buy.

Retromancer~
...That lil dog does'nt wanna wear the big yellow helmet I don't think....
LOL!
.....neither do we!

the reason we gotta wear em is they don't want a billion thoughts on the streets.

Hmm, didn't the Ramones have a song that went " I don't wanna wear the big yellow helmet... " ?

Retromancer~
...That lil dog does'nt wanna wear the big yellow helmet I don't think....
LOL!
.....neither do we!

BTW jackers...
....how'd you get your avatar to yell ...."HOLY CRAP!" ??

neat trick.

It does?!?! I didn't know...it doesn't make a sound on my computer. Now I'm a little embarrassed ...does it just keep yelling or only when you click on it or what? If it's obnoxious, I'll change it. Just let me know folks, I had no idea that it did that.

just when I read it..LOL!
................maybe it was just for me.

it was coming from inside my head......it said, "make me turkey pot pie biach!!" too.

...retromancer...is sounds like a ramones song.
but joey might have fallen over with one.

meadd ...
... there's lil mines in all yer posts.

Oh man do ya think flea stuff will kill them - I just spent the last of my pay on Advantage for my cats. . . . .

lol!
.... oil that is, black gold, texas tea!
well the fist thang ya know ol' meadds a millionaire!
..............inattentive ADDers said, move away from there!



I don't know where we should load up the truck and move too..but there's no resources
in cali...

...OH YEAH!

free meds in canada!

I'm a ghoul roo!

.......guru??? LOL!

It does?!?! I didn't know...it doesn't make a sound on my computer. Now I'm a little embarrassed


.......LMAO!....ya'll are fun ta play with! *cuddle puddle*

Why is it we judge ourselves on whether we fail or suceed on financial success? ie that we have to sell what we produce to succeed.

I have a pad, I draw, I ink, I think what I do is amazing, I show nobody,
I keep a pad untill it is full and then I throw it away and start again. I have a job that gives me time to draw and I draw what I want.

Am I an Artist? yes. Am I successful? I get more from it then I put in, and I draw what I want, so yes.

It is the sole raw act of creation and the feeling I get from it is the reason I do it.

Cheers

why do you throw em away?
...I wanna see!

I throw them away as I am a minimalist, its a 'coping mechanism' to control my messyness and disorganisation by having as little 'stuff' as possible to pile up.

Though I could scan them in to the PC if and upload them.

I notice your in Florida, I lived there for 10 years , coulda showed you then.

Keep creating SuzzanneX

I agree with Suzie... please share. ... if you uploaded them you could save them to disc ;) .... thereby saving space.

I agree with Suzie... please share. ... if you uploaded them you could save them to disc ;) .... thereby saving space.

Absolutly I will start today,

They are incredebly 'graphic' and sexually explicit.

That was a joke by the way, :)

They are all 'PG',


but I remember once asking to see someones while simultaniusly leaning over his shoulder to have a look at his protfolio ( to the embaressment of both of us ).

Whew... I'm glad you clarified. LMBO

I can't wait to see your work. :) I wish I could draw. My oldest got that ability.

THanks, I will post a link to my flicker site in the art section.

Suzzanne, I love your stuff, my favourite is the ( from behind ) the bar shot where you see all sink, well, trash can etc etc.

Must be a service industry thing.

you're welcome...and thank you. :)

I have porno galore if you wanna see it!
.....LOL! .....I like to draw people doing everything they do.

I have porno galore if you wanna see it!
.....LOL! .....I like to draw people doing everything they do.



Cool, art should evoke emotions and be edgy. I had some real bizaar warped stuff in my troubled youth, but now it tends to be very mellow.

meee too!

dyinginside, you have felt this too?

Yes, I have talked myself out of so many opportunities and experiences in life. I gave up on many things I was good at because I wasn't as fast to the finish line as other people. Fear of success and fear of failure... procrastination... feeling inferior to others who turn things in on time and follow the directions properly, those are all major deja-vus to me.

and we know the rules...
...the world takes a cue from us....it's frustrating!

the education system is just not made for people like us to succeed. It does not value our abilities and brings to the forefront our biggest weaknesses.

This is so true, I wanted to go into Pyschology, by the way top ten in HS class. But all the Gen Ed Requirements were so horrifying for me I could never complete my degree (All of the World History and Government courses were really boring to me)

I was failing those courses, but at the same time I Had Straight A's in the Pyshology courses. It is so dissappointing!!

you are a really good writer. why dont you crank that p ART out of the art machine part of our carreers (im a studio artist and pretty bad sentence composer u see) so thats my worst obstical as a professional artist. i dont write like i got a masters. but im gonna change that now. adult tutoring how fun.
ps this my firt post where's the spell check?

I am a student studying Art right now. I want to be an Industrial Designer. Your words are so familiar to me. Thanks.

John,

I so totally agree about art in general and Suzie's in particular. Because art is worldy, it shouldn't be "too pretty," imo. What I love about Suzie's art is that it is pretty without being too much so. Some of it is sexy, but it has a...... mmmmmmm.... you say edgy, I want to say just "not pretty" aspect to it. I've seen a little of Suzie's sexy-ish art and, to me, what's great about it is that edge. Yes, it's sexy, but it's also just a tiny bit disturbing (sorry, Suzie, is that not what you're going for? LOL!) It reminds me of an artist who did a piece of art that was really something of a peep show once. You had to walk up to this wooden door and peek through this tiny peep hole (otherwise all you saw in the museum was just the door and you thought that it was nothing at all), and at first you thought that you were looking at just a naked woman (ok, clever, but not special). Then when you moved your eye around to look at the rest of the scene, which was really just a box set against the door, you realized that you were looking at what was supposed to be a corpse. It was totally disturbing! I loved how it had layers of.... mmmmmmmm.... discovery to it. And I loved how much it pulled your emotions around that way. That, to me, is art! Suzie's got that stuff going on in spades in her work, don't you think?

Sandy

P.S. Ok, total ADDish aside here, but I'm reminded of something that an art history professor wrote once at a student exhibit at my college. There was a book to sign, and one of the visitors had written "Bravo! Bravissmo!" The art history professor wrote underneath "Ditto! Dittismo!" So of what you say, John, I say "Ditto! Dittismo!"