So, I heard from a friend the other day. She is doing better, but, has had a rough few months. She is somewhere safe now and came out of a depressive episode with the help of an angel.

So, I was thrilled to hear from her and glad she is doing so well. The problem is that this interaction has thrown me into a funk. I knew I was feeling overwhelmed, but, was surprised by how hard and long I cried over this. It has been over a year since I felt this bad.

My friend has been quite self-destructive in the past. There have been times when I was afraid that the next time I saw her would be at her funeral.

So, maybe I was crying out of a sense of relief. Maybe its fear that her "angel" has a hidden agenda (as has been the case in the past). I want to believe that this time she *will* start to heal. Maybe it was something more.... Maybe I was crying out all the pain I know she has been through. Maybe it was my sadness at how hurt she has been even though she deserves love. Maybe it is the confusion I feel about how her mother treated her when she was growing up. Maybe it was guilt over me not stepping in and reporting her abuse (note: we were 10! -- i was naive and really didn't know she was being abused until i could look back at her situation with adult perspective. but never mind that, i still feel guilty about not protecting her, somehow. and anger at her mother not protecting her. and anger at her father for abusing her ...)

I am glad I can identify that this has triggered a lot of negative energy in me. I don't know what to do next.

I don't know why I am writing this here either. I hesitate to post it because I don't want to burden any of you and I feel so unable to cope with any of the posts dealing with abuse. I avoid them like the plague! I guess I just feel the pain to keenly and I just can't handle it! obviously ....

it's so sad how the pain of abuse ripples outward ... like throwing a rock in the water ...

Do not feel bad about sharing. As you can see or read I do it on a regular basis. The people here are very supportive and give great info. I do not have much info to share, but you have my support and goood thoughts.
Jim

OMG wheezie you do not know how badly I just want to hug and you and tell you it's going to be all right.

Perhap's you are not only crying for your friend but for the little 10 year old girl who knew her friend needed help but had no were to run and no one to ask freely? I feel compelled to tell you that your friend was truly lucky to have you in her life. You see I was abused and had no one I could go too. You stood by your friend at such a tender age in a situation most adult's will run from.

That to me not only show's great empathy and bravery but an understanding far beyond the normal 10 year old's range. You should be very proud of yourself.

While your friend's "angel" may well be a blessing. I think your friend needs to face the fact that no one can heal her. This is something that only she can accomplish and I hear your frustration in your words. The only advice I have for you is be supportive and ready to catch her should she fall. It has taken me many year's to heal myself and I'm still working on some area's but without the support of my family and friend's I never would have made it this far.

I also beg you to show yourself a little mercy and forgiveness you did the best you could in an impossible situation. I say if you need to cry for the 10 year old girl who is afraid and lost and confused and feeling useless (you) then let it out. Do not let your pain eat you alive.

The goal of mankind should be to step it up a notch. Meaning learning from past mistakes and moving forward. Take what you have learned from this incident and apply it to your everyday life. Never hurt another on purpose and show true remorse when you do. Yes I was abused as a child and yes it still bother's me BUT I have also learned from my life lesson's and would like to think I am a better mother, friend and wife because of it.

I think your amazing and would have been honored to have had you as a friend.
Cherity

thank you jim and cherity,

it's always nice to know that i am not alone.
it helps to not have the thoughts just running around inside my head.

i need to clarify, cherity, that i didn't know my friend was being abused when i was ten. it was happening when i was ten, i was her friend when we were 10. but, she didn't tell me anything about it until we were 18. it was just that, with the perspective of 20/20 hindsight, i now feel like i *should have* known that something was wrong. very illogical....

this is a big struggle for me. i *know* that the 10-year-old me could not have known any better. i just wish that the 33-year-old me could go back in time and kick some butt. i have this illusion that *if only* i had known. *if only* i had known to tell someone. *if only* someone could have intervened. reality is, even if i had known someone i could tell, nothing probably would have changed, who'd believe a kid? .... ugh, no wonder this depresses me!!!

i believe that all experiences help us grow. i have to drop the "everything happens for a reason" philosophy though. it is making me crazy. i have learned a lot about abuse and the signs of abuse. but, i was/am afraid that the "reason" i know this is to prevent it happening to my own daughter.... so, she can just *forget* about sleepovers with friends anytime soon ... i just can't handle the thought of sending her into a stranger's home.

i don't ever want my daughter to have to deal with this kind of hurt.

i am trying very hard to leave the pain behind. i just don't know how to let go of the fear that everyone is a possible threat to *my* daughter....

p.s. i've got an appointment with my counselor, so, if you need to let this go, don't worry about me. i am feeling much better now and i have a great support system. i just need to let them know when i need them (and i am getting better at that too).

AWWW wheezie I would never just drop you. Not after the incredible support you have shown to another.

I too have trouble letting my daughter go to friends' houses but find it unfair of me. I just make absolutly sure she realizes sign's of abuse and that I will come and get her anytime she is uncomfortable. And sadly I have had a few calls. You have to do what is right for you in this instance.

Do you think maybe this bother's you so much because you are afraid you will not see the sign's in the future?

It sounds like there is nothing you could have done. Stop beating yourself up. I think those things all the time. It is easier to say stop beating yourself up then doing it. I know that for myself, but I also know that my life will not get better wishing I could change what has already happened. The key is to learn what has happened and how I can do it differently next time. Be sure to ask for help when you need it. That is an area I have failed miserably at up until recently.

Be careful about being over protective of your daughter. I know you love her and care deeply for her, but remember she will have to learn some things on her own. I am not referring to abuse here. I guess I have become your dad now huh? Telling you what to do. If I over steped my bounds let me know.

thanks so much cherity!

i am *terrified* that i may miss the signs in the future! you just hit the nail on the head.

i also want to protect her from some of the cruel realities of life. not forever, but, just until she doesn't believe in santa claus anymore....

i am reassured somewhat by a conversation i had with her teacher. he said that she had some of the most insightful answers and was able to verbalize really well when they covered "safe touch", etc. at school. she was even able to translate adult-speak into 7-yr-old speak so that the other kids in her class got the message clearly as well. i was so relieved to hear that my message got through to her. i had to fight back the tears at that parent-teacher conference.

it's a really complex issue. kids are so trusting, so willing to believe the best in people. how do we explain that some people will exploit that? how can we protect our kids *and* allow our children to remain beuatifully innocent??? (rhetorical question alert... :*)

thanks for "listening"

jim,

i do tend to be somewhat overprotective. i depend on my husband to provide balance. i've told him too, so, he knows that is part of his job :*)

part of my problem is that i know *what* i need to do, i just don't know *how* to do it. i know i need to forgive myself. after all, what is there to forgive? i *didn't* know! i was only 10! then there is the how....

but, this is a good start. instead of spiralling downward, i am here, on this forum, getting some great advice! :*)

thank you.

Dont feel bad about the forgiveness thing I struggle with that all the time. I sometimes accept fault for something that had nothing to do with me. If I could apply my advice I would be doing better. Learning how to do it is the hard part. Glad you are here and keep us posted!

As the victim of verbal, mental, physical and sexual abuse I find myself wanting to smother my daughter I too count on my husband for a balance. I have found comfort in not only be openly frank with my daughter about safe touch areas and anything that makes you uncomfortable I have also shared my experiance of rape with her so she knows sometimes the ones that hurt us the most are our friends or friends of other family members. I have taught her and reinforced time and again if anyone and I mean anyone makes her uncomfortable she can tell us. I have also found some measure of comfort in her taking self defense classes while she may not be able to fend off a full grown assailant she may be able to buy sometime until someone who can arrives to help her.

I should also add I have this same conversation with my son as boy's also are victimized at such young ages. Sad truth is WE are the ones who have to kill Santa to protect our kids and I hate it with all my heart.

Forgiveness and healing are only acheived thru baby steps show yourself some consideration and do not expect to feel better over night. Healing takes time even if you were not the one directly being abused it still makes a large impact on your life.

Ditto, ditto ditto of everything Cherity has said!!
You are your friends angel to care so much.
I kno we can't be with our kids24/7 of their life. But I try.
Lucky for me my son doesn't want to spend the night at his friends houses. But he has had them over here.
Since I homeschool. I feel secure about how hes being treated.

thanks again! my friend may be coming for a visit this week. i am looking forward to it, but, at the same time, am apprehensive. but, i'll wait to start worrying until i find out if she is coming for sure or not....

i'd like to work some of this out before she comes so that i can be a good support person for her. if she knows that i am hurting because of the abuse that happened to her, she pulls away. i'd like to talk this over with her, but, don't want her to know the full impact this whole mess has had on me. i know she'd feel guilty and feel she was the one causing me the pain. how much more complicated can life be? i just want her to be a bit stronger before i share this with her....

thanks again. i'll check in again later this week. you've helped me more than you'll ever know!!!

thanks janine. i don't feel much like an angel, more like a wrung wash cloth....

it isn't hard to care about her. it's just hard to stop hurting for her, and me....

but, i am starting to feel better. thank you.

wheezie perhaps you should tell your friend that guilt is eating at you...I think deep down she probably knows it already and I think you would be genuinly surprised at her replies. I myself would never want my friend to hurt and never would have placed any blame at all on them. Truth is she didn't tell you maybe she will be able to tell you why,,,I bet it has a lot to do with the fact she didn't even realize how bad it was herself until she was older. I alway's thought kid's were treated the sameway I was I didn't know any different.

p.s. I'm subsribing to your thread so post anytime you need an ear or support. I'm here for you. While I may not be able to answer right away I will get back to you A.S.A.P.